Philly Morris and the Cigarette Factory (811 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 2 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (View user info) at 2006-08-16 05:56:44 EDT
Disclaimers:
1) My apologies to the legacy of Roald Dahl.
2) This is long. I have separated it into three parts, denoted by some asterisks, so you can Ctr-F for that if you want to read it in parts.
3) I paralleled the movie script, go here for reference if you wish: http://home.att.net/~tom.brodhead/wonka.txt .
4) For only a reference to the song parodies (which are in ALL CAPS for a quick scroll), go here: http://www.roalddahlfans.com/movies/willlyrics.php .
*****
PART ONE
*****
Fresh out of school, a group of kids run directly to Bill's Cigarette Outlet.
KIDS: (yelling) Parliament. We want Parliaments!
BILL: All right, what's it going to be? Low nicotine, low tar for Christopher...
KIDS: (yelling) Some clove cigarettes!
BILL: Sampoerna Xtra for Otis...
ONE KID: I wanted Sampoerna Xtra's-
BILL: Some vanilla menthols for June Marie...
ANOTHER KID: C'mon, give me a flavored menthol-
BILL: And, listen! Morris has a new one today.
KIDS: What is it?
BILL: This is called a Chokerific Pack.
THIRD KID: (mispronouncing) Chokelicious Pack? How does he do it?
BILL: My dear boy, do you ask a fish how it floats belly up when it dies from mercury poisoning?
THIRD KID: No...
BILL: Or a bird how it flaps oil off of its wings after a spill?
THIRD KID: No...
BILL: No siree, you don't! They do it because they were born to be poisoned. Just like Philly Morris was born to be a cigarette man. You look like you were born to be a Morriser.
WHO CAN TAKE A CLEAN LUNG
SPRINKLE IT WITH TAR
COVER IT IN BLACK SOOT AND A CANCER CELL OR TWO
THE MARLB'RO MAN
THE MARLB'RO MAN CAN
THE MARLB'RO MAN CAN 'CAUSE HE MIXES POISON IN
- AND MAKES THE WORLD SMELL BAD
WHO CAN TAKE A LARYNX
WRAP IT UP IN SMOKE
ONE AFTER ANOTHER 'TIL YOU COUGH AND GAG AND CHOKE
KIDS: THE MARLB'RO MAN?
BILL:
THE MARLB'RO MAN
THE MARLB'RO MAN CAN
THE MARLB'RO MAN CAN CAUSE HE MIXES TOXIN IN
- AND MAKES THE WORLD WORSE OFF
KIDS: Me! Me!
BILL:
PHILLY MORRIS HOLDS
EVERY CIG HE ROLLS
UP TO LOWEST STANDARDS OF HEALTH
TO SLOWLY GROW HIS INSANE WEALTH
AND ALL THE WHILE HE KEEPS IT STEALTH
WHO CAN TAKE ADDICTION
COVER IT IN LIES
TELL THE KIDS 'YOU'LL LOOK COOL', NOT 'BEWARE YOUR OWN DEMISE'
THE MARLB'RO MAN
KIDS: PHILLY MORRIS CAN
BILL:
THE MARLB'RO MAN CAN
THE MARLB'RO MAN CAN 'CAUSE HE MIXES POISON IN
- AND THE WORLD SMELLS BAD
'CAUSE THE MARLB'RO MAN THINKS IT SHOULD...
Charlie has been watching through the window. Swallowing the saliva that his eyes just made his mouth produce, he walks away with his head hung low. After picking up his paycheck, he buys a loaf of bread and returns home. One loaf of bread, and you would think it was Thanksgiving dinner.
CHARLIE'S MOM: Charlie, where'd you get that?
GRANDPA JOE: What difference does it make where he got it? Point is: he didn't bring my cigarettes.
CHARLIE: It's my first payday.
CHARLIE'S MOM: Good for you, Charlie. We'll have a banquet, but then what will we light up afterwards?
CHARLIE: Mom... ? Here's the money I have left. You keep it. Except for this. From now on, I'm going to pay for all of our tobacco.
GRANDPA JOE: No one's going to pay for mine, Charlie. I'm giving it up.
There's a collective gasp.
CHARLIE'S MOM: Come on, Dad, it's only one pack a day.
GRANDPA JOE: When a loaf of bread looks like a banquet, I've no right buying tobacco.
CHARLIE: Come on, Grandpa. Smoking is an appetite suppressant. Please let me.
Later that night, Charlie sits down with Grandpa Joe.
CHARLIE: After I finished my paper route, I was in front of Morris'. There was this strange man there. I think he was a drinker. He was standing right behind me, looking up at the factory. Just after saying something about wishing he had something to enhance his buzz, he said, "Nobody ever goes in, and nobody ever goes out."
GRANDPA JOE: And right he was, Charlie, on both counts. Not since the tragic day that Philly Morris locked it.
CHARLIE: Why'd he lock it?
GRANDPA JOE: Because all the other cigarette makers in the world were sending in spies--dressed as workers!--to steal Mr. Morris' secret recipes. Especially Reynolds...oh, that Reynolds, he was the worst! Finally Mr. Morris shouted, "I shall be ruined! Close the factory!" And that's just what he did. He locked the gates, the smoke stacks stopped, and he vanished completely. And then suddenly, about three years later, the most amazing thing happened. The smoke stacks started again, full blast! And more delicious tobaccos were coming out than ever before. But the gates stayed locked so that no one, not even Mr. Reynolds, could steal them.
CHARLIE: But Grandpa, someone must be helping Mr. Morris work the factory.
GRANDPA JOE: Thousands must be helping him.
CHARLIE: But who? Who are they?
GRANDPA JOE: That is the biggest mystery of them all.
The next day, after school, Charlie comes running home and turns on the TV.
TV NEWSMAN: And now, details on the sudden announcement that has captured the attention of the entire world. Hidden among the countless billions of Chokerific Packs are five golden cigarettes. And to the five people who find them will come the most fabulous prize one could wish for: a lifetime supply of tobacco.
TV NEWSMAN (continuing): And as if this were not enough, each winner before he receives his prize will be personally escorted through the top secret cigarette factory...
GRANDMA JOSEPHINE (in a puff of smoke): They're all crazy!
GRANDPA JOE: Sshh! The man's a genius! He'll sell millions of packs.
TV NEWSMAN (continuing): ... by the mythical Philly Morris himself. The amount of tobacco involved in this competition has relighted cigarette smokers and all citizens around the world.
CHARLIE (on "smokers"): Grandpa, do you think I'm old enough to start smoking yet? So I can have a chance to find one?
GRANDPA JOE: Old enough? You're twelve Charlie, and none of us wanted to say anything, but you should've started smoking last year. I'm counting on you to find all five!
CHARLIE: One's enough for me.
TV NEWSMAN (continuing): Already we have reports coming in that the response is phenomenal. Chokerific Packs are beginning to disappear from gas stations at a rate to boggle the mind. Truly it is incredible the way that Morrismania has descended upon the globe. While the world searches, we watch and wait, wondering where the pursuit will lead and how long the lungs of man will hold up under the strain.
Several days later, after hearing the news that the fifth cigarette had been found, Charlie finds a $10 dollar bill in a sewer grate, and walks into Bill's Cigarette Outlet.
CHARLIE: I'd like a pack of smokes please.
BILL: Yeah, sure. What kind? A Reynolds Light? A Morris Chokerific?
CHARLIE: Whichever's the strongest.
BILL: Try the Chokerific. Now that all the cigarettes have been found, I don't have to hide them anymore. (Charlie pays) Hey, hey, hey, take it easy. You'll get a headache if you hot box it like that.
CHARLIE: Bye.
BILL: Bye now.
CHARLIE: I think I'll buy one more Chokerific, for my Grandpa Joe.
There is commotion on the street. The newspaper man is alerting everyone to read about the scandal of the fifth cigarette. It is a phony. Charlie realizes there is still one golden cigarette out there.
He opens up the second pack; there is the Golden Cigarette!
WOMAN: Hey, you've got it! You've got the last Golden Cigarette! The kid's found the last Golden Cigarette! Hold it up, sonny, so we can see!
MAN: Hey, let me see it! It really is gold.
NEWSPAPER MAN: Stand back there. Leave the boy alone! Run kid, run straight home and don't stop.
Charlie starts running and cuts down an alley, where he bumps into Reynolds who steps into his path.
REYNOLDS: I congratulate you, little boy. Well done. You found the fifth Golden Cigarette. May I introduce myself. R.J. Reynolds, President of Reynolds Tobacco Company. Now listen carefully because I'm going to make you very rich indeed. Mr. Morris is at this moment working on a fantastic invention: the Smokeless Cigastick. You can inhale it but you never have to light it. If he succeeds, he'll ruin me! All I want you to do is get me one Smokeless Cigastick so I can find the secret formula. Your reward will be ten million dollars. A new house for your family, and good food and comfort for the rest of their lives. Think it over, will you.
Charlie runs off and finally makes it home.
CHARLIE: Look, everyone, look, I've got it! The fifth Golden Cigarette is mine!
GRANDPA JOE: You're pulling our legs, Charlie! There aren't any more Golden Cigarettes.
CHARLIE: No, Grandpa, the last one was a fake; it said so in the papers. I found some money in the street, and I bought a Chokerific Pack, and the cigarette was in it.
MRS. BUCKET: Charlie!
CHARLIE: Look at it, Grandpa, read the lining for yourself!
GRANDPA JOE: "Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this Golden Cigarette, from Mr. Philly Morris. Present this cigarette at the factory gates at 10:00 AM, October 1st, and do not be late. You may bring with you one member of your family but no one else. In your wildest dreams you could not imagine the marvelous surprises that await you!" Charlie, you've done it!
CHARLIE'S MOM: I can't believe it!
CHARLIE: Grandpa? It says I can take somebody with me. I wish you could go.
Grandpa Joe starts to get up. His wife shrieks, he stumbles. Charlie's mom tells him to take it easy.
GRANDPA JOE: Look at me! Up and about... I haven't done this in twenty years.
CHARLIE: Grandpa!
GRANDPA JOE:
I NEVER THOUGHT MY TEETH COULD BE
ANYTHING BUT BLACK AND GREEN
BUT SUDDENLY I BEGIN TO SEE
A BIT OF YELLOW FOR ME
'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN CIG'RETTE
I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TWINKLE IN MY TEETH
THEY NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO SHINE
NEVER A PLEASANT SMILE TO SHOW
BUT SUDDENLY MY TEETH HAVE A RIND
WHAT AN AMAZING GROWTH
'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN CIG'RETTE
(It's ours, Charlie!)
I'VE GOT A GOLDEN MOUTH UP IN MY HEAD
(Slippers, Charlie!)
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY
WHEN I WOULD FACE THE SUN AND SAY
CHARLIE AND GRANDPA JOE:
"GOOD MORNING! MY MOUTH SHINES LIKE YOU!"
GRANDPA JOE:
I NEVER THOUGHT MY FINGERS TOO
COULD TURN AND BE A YELLOW HUE
'CAUSE I'D HAVE SAID
CHARLIE:
"IT COULDN'T BE DONE"
GRANDPA JOE:
BUT IT CAN BE DONE
(Ooh! The cane, Charlie! Ah, here I go! Watch my speed!)
I NEVER DREAMED THAT I COULD GET
WINDED AFTER SINGING LIKE THIS
OR AFTER TAKING JUST ONE STEP
SHORT OF... BREATH IS... WHEW... ME
They both pause for a half-minute, breathing heavily. Everyone is waiting for them to continue.
CHARLIE AND GRANDPA JOE (with less stamina):
'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN CIG'RETTE
I'VE GOT A NICOTINE STAIN EVERYWHERE
AND WITH A GOLDEN CIG'RETTE, I CAN BUY HEALTH CARE
AND I'D HAVE SAID, "IT COULDN'T BE DONE"
GRANDPA JOE:
BUT IT CAN BE DONE
I NEVER DREAMED THAT I COULD GET
WINDED AFTER SINGING LIKE THIS
OR AFTER TAKING JUST ONE STEP
SHORT OF... BREATH IS... WHEW... ME
'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN CIG'RETTE
CHARLIE AND GRANDPA JOE:
I'VE GOT A GOLDEN CIG'RETTE
I'VE GOT A NICOTINE STAIN EVERYWHERE
AND WITH A GOLDEN CIG'RETTE, I'MMA NEED HEALTH CARE
CHARLIE'S MOM: Stop! It says October 1st; that's tomorrow!
*****
PART TWO
*****
The next day, a large crowd is gathered, including reporters and a band, outside of Philly Morris' factory gates. The other four winners are there with Charlie, milking camera time from the reporters, telling their parents what they expect. There's Veruca Salt, a very demanding young lady who has never smoked, she gets whatever she wants. There's Augustus Gloop, a young boy who, since he quit smoking, eats everything in sight and is now fat. There's Violet Beaugregarde, a young girl who holds the record for consecutive time with chewing tobacco in her mouth. She is overheard telling a reporter, "I got my technique down and everything, I don't be spittin or nothin". Lastly, there's Mike Teevee, a young boy who absolutely loves television, but is disappointed that cigarette ads are no longer allowed. His life's ambition is to get them back on the air.
The clock strikes ten. Philly Morris emerges; the crowd cheers and the band plays until they see he is wheeling an oxygen tank next to him. At the end of the red carpet, he takes off his oxygen mask to speak, and starts coughing violently. The cough turns slowly and purposefully into a hearty laugh, and the crowd applauds.
PHILLY MORRIS: Thank you. Welcome. This is an exciting day. (to the winners) And now would you please come forward with your golden cigarettes.
The children come forward with their guest and exchange introductions. As they enter the factory, they stop in the entrance hallway.
VIOLET: When do I get my tobacco?
PHILLY MORRIS: First hang up your coat, Violet.
MIKE: Boy, what weird looking coat hangers.
The coat hangers are bent pipes hanging out of what seam to be ceramic faces.
PHILLY MORRIS: Yes, they're called calabashes. We must always be about education at Philly Morris.
When the children hang up their coats, the eyes on the ceramic face open, startling the entire group.
PHILLY MORRIS: Surprises around every corner. Don't be alarmed. Now if the children would kindly step up here.
He pulls back a curtain revealing a large Surgeon General's Warning, and gives them a matter of seconds to read all the fine print.
PHILLY MORRIS: Follow me, hurry, we have so much time and so little to smoke. Wait a minute! Strike that. Reverse it.
After going down a dead end hallway, and back the other way, Philly assures them that the door they just came through is in fact a different door.
PHILLY MORRIS: My dear friends, you are now about to enter the center of the entire Morris Factory. Inside this room, all of my dreams become realities. And some of my realities become dreams. You could say I'm on a high when I'm in here. And almost everything in this room is smokeable. Or chewable. I mean you can get a fix off of almost everything.
MIKE: Let me in, I need some nicotine!
PHILLY MORRIS: Calm down, don't get overexcited. This is a musical lock if I remember the combination correctly.
He plays the opening of the third movement of Chopin's Piano Sonata No. 2 in B-flat Minor, and the door opens into the Tobacco Room. The room is clouded with smoke, and everyone loves it.
PHILLY MORRIS: Breathe deeply. Make a wish. Count to three.
SMOKE WITH ME
AND YOU'LL BE
IN A STATE OF PURE EUPHORIA
TAKE A PUFF
(whips long cigarette holder around)
AND YOU'LL SEE
INTO THAT EUPHORIA
WE'LL INHALE
(whips long cigarette holder around)
WITHOUT FAIL
BURN TO ASHES LIKE IN CREMATORIA
WHAT WE'LL DO
SURELY PROVES
(whips long cigarette holder around)
SIC TRANSIT GLORIA
(whips long cigarette holder around)
TO VIEW TOBACCO PARADISE
MIGHT BE TOO CLOUDY TO VIEW IT
IF YOU WANT TO QUIT, DON'T DO IT
WANT TO GET YOUR FIX
(puts a lit menthol in Augustus' mouth)
THERE'S NOTHING
TO IT
AUGUSTUS: But I quit smoking 4 months ago.
GRANDPA JOE: Nonsense!
PHILLY MORRIS:
THERE'S NO FIX I KNOW
TO COMPARE WITH PURE EUPHORIA
FEELING IT
YOU'LL BE FED
IF YOU'RE TRULY ADDICT-ED
TO VIEW TOBACCO PARADISE
MIGHT BE TOO CLOUDY TO VIEW IT
IF YOU WANT TO QUIT, DON'T DO IT
WANT TO GET YOUR FIX
(takes a long drag)
THERE'S NOTHING
TO IT
THERE'S NO FIX I KNOW
TO COMPARE WITH PURE EUPHORIA
FEELING IT
YOU'LL BE FED
IF YOU'RE TRULY
ADDICT-ED
MRS. GLOOP: What a disgusting, dirty river.
PHILLY MORRIS: It's tobacco.
VERUCA: That's tobacco?
CHARLIE: That's tobacco.
VIOLET: A tobacco river.
GRANDPA JOE: That's the most fantastic thing I've ever seen.
CHARLIE: Grandpa, look over there across the river! They're little men!
GRANDPA JOE: Now we know who makes the tobacco.
MRS. TEEVEE: I never saw anybody with a nicotine-stained face before. What are they doing?
PHILLY MORRIS: It must be arsenic and formaldehyde time.
VIOLET: Well they can't be real people.
PHILLY MORRIS: Of course they're real people. Fungo Lungoes.
THE GROUP: Fungo Lungoes?
PHILLY MORRIS: From Lungoland. And a terrible country that is. It exists entirely in and around Mt. Laryngitis. Funny thing is, with all that smoke inhalation, they've never had one case of Ca-... the "C" word. I mean, sure, I could pay the local bums in cartons to work here, but they'd just die. Not the Fungo Lungoes. So, in secrecy, I transported the entire population to work in my factory.
MR. SALT (through a puff of cigar smoke): Pshh, there's no Mt. Laryngitis.
VERUCA: Hey, Daddy, I want a Fungo Lungo. I want one now!
By the river, Augustus reaches in and grabs some tobacco, and shoves a dip into both sides of his lip.
PHILLY MORRIS: Augustus, don't do that. My tobacco river must never be touched by human hands. You're contaminating my contaminants! Please, I beg you.
Augustus falls in.
PHILLY MORRIS: My tobacco! My beautiful tobacco!
AUGUSTUS: Help!
CHARLIE: Quick, Augustus, grab this.
Charlie offers him a hose from a large hookah, but Augustus sinks below the surface.
PHILLY MORRIS: The suction's got him now.
Just then Augustus appears in the pipe, but is stuck because of his girth.
AUGUSTUS (from the pipe): Heeeelp!
After intense pressure builds up behind him, he shoots the rest of the way through the pipe.
MRS. GLOOP: You've killed him, I know it.
PHILLY MORRIS: Nihil desperandum, my dear lady. Have a smoke, relax. This Fungo Lungo will take you to him.
FUNGO LUNGOES:
FUNGO LUNGO DUNGODEE DOO
I'VE GOT A LONGER FILTER FOR YOU
FUNGO LUNGO DUNGODAH DEE
IF YOU ARE WISE YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU QUIT NICOTINE
SNACKING AS IF YOU HAVE GOT THE MUNCHIES
BECAUSE OF THAT YOU GET TERRIBLY FAT
WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL COME OF THAT
(one Lungo steps out with a cancer kazoo)
STAY AWAY FROM NICORETTE
PHILLY MORRIS (whispering to the group): Oh, he had his larynx removed for other reasons.
FUNGO LUNGOES:
FUNGO LUNGO DUNGODEE DAH
DON'T USE THE PATCH AND YOU WILL GO FAR
YOU WILL INHALE HAPPINESS TOO
LIKE THE FUNGO LUNGO DUNGODEE DO
DUNGODEE DOO
The Morristania floats down the river. After a skeptical look from Mr. Salt and Mrs. Teevee, everyone gets on board, and the boats begins to sail.
MRS. TEEVEE: I think I'm gonna be seasick.
PHILLY MORRIS: Here, try one of these Rainbow Pouches. You can put in a dip and spit in seven different colors.
VIOLET (picking her nose): Spitting is for lightweights.
The Morristania heads into a tunnel. Darkness. Commotion. Disgusting images of happy non-smokers flash on the wall.
PHILLY MORRIS: Faster!
VERUCA: I don't like this ride, Daddy.
PHILLY MORRIS: Faster!
VIOLET: We're gonna sink, I know it!
PHILLY MORRIS: Faster!
Charlie sees Mr. Reynolds' face flash on the wall. Mike Teevee is having a blast. His mom is extremely nauseous. Veruca screams.
PHILLY MORRIS:
THERE'S NO CERTAIN WAY OF KNOWING
SCIENTIFIC WAY OF SHOWING
THAT THOSE CANCER CELLS ARE GROWING
FROM THE PLANTS THAT I AM SOWING
IS IT CHEWING
IS IT SMOKING
IS A GUST OF LIES A-BLOWING
Bleh!
Even truth.org's not showing
That the lies continue flowing
Just that past mistakes were glowing
But not for us to start owning
No! The smoke must keep billowing
While the rowers keep on rowing
And with signs no longer showing
That tobacco sales are slowing!
Morris screams. Flashing lights. Chaos.
MR. SALT: Morris, this has gone far enough!
PHILLY MORRIS: Quite right, sir. Stop the boat!
*****
PART THREE
*****
The group steps off and follows Philly while he talks.
PHILLY MORRIS: We are now entering the Inventing Room. No touching, no tasting, no telling.
GRANDPA JOE: No telling what?
PHILLY MORRIS: You see, Old Reynolds would give his rotting gums to get inside this room for just five minutes. Who wants a Smokeless Cigastick?
VIOLET: Did you say "Smokeless Cigastick"?
PHILLY MORRIS: That's right. For children with very little pocket money. You can puff 'em forever.
THE CHILDREN: I want one!
PHILLY MORRIS: Fantastic invention. Revolutionize the industry. You can puff 'em and puff 'em and they'll never get any smaller. Never. At least I don't think they do. A few more tests. It'll hurt sales in the long run, surely. But it will cripple Reynolds and the others. They'll go under for sure. So, you have to keep them for yourselves and never show them to anyone until they I release them, if ever. Agreed?
THE CHILDREN (with Veruca crossing her fingers): Agreed.
PHILLY MORRIS: Now, onto another of my special inventions. (pushing a button on a rather odd-looking contraption) Watch this.
VERUCA: That's it? What is it.
VIOLET (sneezing): Atchoo, it's chew!
PHILLY MORRIS: Wrong! It's the most amazing, fabulous, sensational chew in the whole world.
VIOLET: What's so fab about it?
PHILLY MORRIS: This hunk of chewing tobacco is a three course dinner. Don't look at me like that, Mr. Salt. Here, have a Parliament or three. It really is wonderful, roast beef and the like, but I haven't got it quite right yet.
VIOLET (grabbing and putting the chew in her mouth): I don't care.
PHILLY MORRIS: I wish you wouldn't've done that.
VIOLET (tasting): Mmm, it's tomato soup! It's hot and creamy. I can feel it sliding down my throat. Oh, now there's roast beef and a baked potato! Yummy. (ignoring Philly's request to spit it out) Ah, what's this? Blueberry pie and cream! It's marvelous. Now I really won't have to eat as long as I have chew.
CHARLIE: Look at her face! It's turning blue!
PHILLY MORRIS: It always goes wrong when we come to the dessert. Always.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Violet, what's happening? You're blowing up.
PHILLY MORRIS: Like a blueberry.
VIOLET: I feel funny. Help!
Philly blows his whistle, and a Fungo Lungo comes and rolls her away.
PHILLY MORRIS: Take her to the blueberry flavored menthol room and squeeze that out of her. She'll be fine. I think.
FUNGO LUNGOES:
FUNGO LUNGO DUNGODEE DOO
I'VE GOT A SMOKELESS TIDBIT FOR YOU
FUNGO LUNGO DUNGODAH DEE
IF YOU ARE WISE YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME
SMOKING IS GREAT BUT IT ISN'T ENOUGH
THE EMPTY SPACE IN YOUR MOUTH CAN HOLD SNUFF
IT'S NOT REPULSIVE, REVOLTING, OR WRONG
CHEWING AND CHEWING ALL DAY LONG
(one Lungo steps out with a cancer kazoo)
THE INFAMOUS "DOUBLE DIP"
FUNGO LUNGO DUNGODEE DAH
FORGET GOOD HYGIENE YOU WILL GO FAR
YOU WILL INHALE HAPPINESS TOO
LIKE THE FUNGO LUNGO DUNGODEE DO
PHILLY MORRIS: Well, two children gone. Three left. Let's run along. Something unusual up here. Bubbles everywhere, but not a cig to smoke. Yet.
CHARLIE: What's it making Mr. Morris?
PHILLY MORRIS: Helium Cigarettes. Each puff fills you with a bit of helium, and it is so terrifically lifting, that it lifts you right off the ground. But I daren't sell it yet. It's still too powerful. Don't touch, you're really going to love the next room.
Charlie and Grandpa Joe stay behind, give each other a shrug, and start smoking a couple of the cigarettes. After a minute they start to float, and are having a blast. Charlie does a somersault. Grandpa Joe pretends he's Superman. They realize they're getting closer to the top, where a fan is waiting to chop them up with the bubbles.
CHARLIE: What do we do?
GRANDPA JOE: Mr. Morris, please. Turn off the fan. (The cigarettes cause some build-up in his throat, so he hocks a loogie.) Ooh, I'm going down. Quick Charlie, if you don't spit loogies, you'll be chopped to ribbons!
Charlie hocks a loogie. It works. They both start going down. Hocking loogies all the way.
GRANDPA JOE: I don't care if there's no loogies left, you better find 'em.
They spit back and forth. One last loogie from each and they're back on the ground.
GRANDPA JOE: Well done, boy. Let's catch up to the others.
When they catch up to the others, Veruca is already in the geese room, despite Philly Morris' pleas for her to get out immediately. Just as they arrive, Veruca is asking if the geese lay tobacco eggs.
PHILLY MORRIS: Golden tobacco eggs. That's a great delicacy. But leave now before the Eggdicator rejects you.
Just as he says, "rejects" Veruca falls through a trap door, rejected for being a non-smoker (a bad egg).
GRANDPA JOE (as if they were with the group the whole time): It's an educated Eggdicator.
MR. SALT: Where's she gone?
PHILLY MORRIS: Where all the bad-egg/non-smokers go, down the garbage chute, to the furnace. But that furnace is only on every other day, so she has a sporting chance.
MR. SALT (jumping down the chute to get her): Hold on Veruca, Daddy's coming.
Philly Morris signals to a Fungo Lungo to investigate.
FUNGO LUNGOES:
FUNGO LUNGO DUNGODEE DOO
I'VE GOT A FILTERLESS GEM FOR YOU
FUNGO LUNGO DUNGODAH DEE
IF YOU ARE WISE YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME
WHO DO YOU BLAME WHEN YOUR CHILD DOES NOT SMOKE
HOITY AND TOITY LIKE THEY'RE TOO GOOD TO CHOKE
BLAMING THE DAD IS A LIE AND A SHAME
YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO'S TO BLAME
(one Lungo steps out with a cancer kazoo)
NO PRESSURE FROM THE COOL KIDS
FUNGO LUNGO DUNGODEE DAH
IF YOU'RE A NON-SMOKER YOU WON'T GO FAR
BUT IF YOU INHALE HAPPINESS TOO
LIKE THE FUNGO LUNGO DUNGODEE DO
PHILLY MORRIS: I don't understand that either. Two children left, shall we press on?
MRS. TEEVEE: Mr. Morris, can't we sit for a minute. (smoking a cigarette) I have emphysema. The pace is killing me.
PHILLY MORRIS: My dear lady, transportation has already been arranged. Better grab a seat.
The Morrismobile pulls up and some Fungo Lungoes fill it with clove tobaccos.
GRANDPA JOE: Mr. Morris, what're they filling it with.
PHILLY MORRIS: Clove cigarettes and beedies. You know, full-flavor, 50-percenters, three-quarters, all the crazy eugenol stuff that numbs the throat. Few people realize the tremendous power of it. Dentists used to use it.
GRANDPA JOE: Sorry I asked.
PHILLY MORRIS: Now hold on tight. I'm gonna really open her up and see what she can do.
Bits of clove and tobacco and tendu leaf spray everywhere, all over everyone.
PHILLY MORRIS: Must not be rolled tight enough. No worries, we're coming through the Hsawsirrom now.
MRS. TEEVEE: I'm dry cleaned!
PHILLY MORRIS: Yeah, that's the power of the Hsawsirrom.
MRS. TEEVEE: Is that Japanese?
PHILLY MORRIS: No, that's "Morriswash" spelled backwards. That's it, the journey is over.
GRANDPA JOE: Finest particles I've had in twenty years. And I finally smell good too.
PHILLY MORRIS: Why do you think we went through it Grandpa Joe? Now put these on. (He hands them white coats and goggles.) We're going into the Morrisvision room.
MIKE: It's television.
PHILLY MORRIS: Uh, it's Morrisvision. I send tobacco in a million pieces and it ends up in your living room, just smaller. But still with the same flavor.
MIKE: It's the perfect delivery. Can you send other things, not just tobacco?
PHILLY MORRIS: Anything you like.
MIKE: What about people? Look at me; I'm gonna be the first person in the world to be sent by television! Lights, camera, action!
Mike ends up in the television set, tiny.
MIKE: Check it out. This is how I'm going to get cigarette advertising back on the air. I'll deliver it personally. I'm a TV star.
Mrs. Teevee picks him up, and looks at Philly. Her child is tiny. Philly Morris signals to a Fungo Lungo to take them away.
PHILLY MORRIS: To the tobacco stretching room. It'll be okay, we've taken microscopic shreds of used tobacco from the street and pulled them back to normal size for re-sale. He'll be fine.
FUNGO LUNGOES:
FUNGO LUNGO DUNGODEE DOO
I'VE GOT A TV SECRET FOR YOU
FUNGO LUNGO DUNGODAH DEE
IF YOU ARE WISE YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME
WHAT DO YOU GET FROM AN OBVIOUS AD
MANY LESS PROFITS THAN YOU COULD'VE HAD
BUT IF YOU USE SUBLIMINAL APPROACH
YOU MAKE MORE LOOT AND STAY ABOVE REPROACH
LIKE EV'RY
LIKE EV'RY
LIKE EV'RY
LIKE EV'RY
(one Lungo steps out with a cancer kazoo)
LIKE EV'RY MOVIE EVER MADE
FUNGO LUNGO DUNGODEE DAH
DON'T USE TV ADS AND YOU WILL GO FAR
YOU WILL INHALE HAPPINESS TOO
LIKE THE
FUNGO LUNGO
DUNGODEE DO
PHILLY MORRIS: Well, that's the last of 'em, I must get to my office.
CHARLIE: What's going to happen to the other kids?
PHILLY MORRIS: My dear boy, they'll be quite alright. Restored to their normal, terrible selves. Maybe they'll be wiser for the wear? Anyway, excuse me for not showing you out. Straight up the stairs, you'll find your way. It seems I've lost the whole day. (He enters his office. Documents are shredded everywhere.)
GRANDPA JOE: I just wanted to ask about the lifetime supply of tobacco, for Charlie. When does he get it?
PHILLY MORRIS: He doesn't.
GRANDPA JOE: Why not?
PHILLY MORRIS: Because he broke the rules. You read the Surgeon General's Warning. It was also a Philly Morris Warning, if you read the fine print. And you both consumed Helium Cigarettes. You spat on the ceiling which now needs to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose, good day sir!
GRANDPA JOE: You're a crook. A liar and a cheat. How could you do a thing like this? Build up a family's hopes for a lifetime supply and then smash all our dreams! You're an inhuman monster. C'mon Charlie, we'll get even with him. If R.J. Reynolds wants a Cigastick, he'll get one.
Charlie pauses for a long while, then leaves the Cigastick on Philly Morris' desk.
PHILLY MORRIS: So shines a loyal deed in an disloyal world. Charlie, my boy, you've won! I knew you would! Forgive me for putting you through this. Please, come in Mr. Wilkinson. Charlie, meet Mr. Wilkinson.
CHARLIE: Reynolds!
PHILLY MORRIS: No, no, that's not Reynolds, Mr. Wilkinson works for me. I had to test you Charlie, and you won!
GRANDPA JOE: Won what?
PHILLY MORRIS: The jackpot, my dear sir, the grand and glorious jackpot.
CHARLIE: The tobacco?
PHILLY MORRIS: The tobacco, yes, the tobacco, but that's just the beginning. We have to get on. We have so much to smoke, and so little to do. Strike that. Reverse it. This way, to the Morrislift. Push that button Charlie. (Charlie pushes the button.)
PHILLY MORRIS: There it goes, we're going where smoke goes. Up and out, we'll pollute the entire world, Charlie. How did you like the cigarette factory?
CHARLIE: It's the most wonderful place in the world.
PHILLY MORRIS: I'm so pleased to hear you say that, because I'm giving it to you. That's alright isn't it? I can't smoke forever, I'm not a Fungo Lungo. So, who can I trust to run the factory when I leave, and you only just started smoking. You're not a grownup, you still have my corrupted version of your innocence. That's why I decided long ago that I had to find a child. A very loyal, loving child to whom I can tell all my most precarious tobacco making secrets.
CHARLIE: And that's why you sent out the Golden Cigarettes?
PHILLY MORRIS: That's right. So the factory's yours, Charlie; yours and your family's. (Charlie hugs him.) But Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got to smoke everything and sell smoke to everyone like he always wanted.
CHARLIE: What happened?
PHILLY MORRIS: He lived unhealthily and happily ever after. (Philly Morris sings the last advice to Charlie.)
TO VIEW TOBACCO PARADISE
MIGHT BE TOO CLOUDY TO VIEW IT
IF YOU WANT TO QUIT, DON'T DO IT
WANT TO GIVE THE WORLD A FIX
THERE'S NOTHING TO IT
THERE'S NO FIX I KNOW
TO COMPARE WITH PURE EUPHORIA
FEELING IT
THEY'LL BE FED
IF THEY'RE TRULY
ADDICT-ED
*****
THE END
*****
User Reviews
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-11-17 15:53:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Late +2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
um... holy fucking crap.
This = Golden.
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-08-17 10:41:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn. this was incredibly well done.
you sir, have no life
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-16 23:59:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Continued congrats.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-08-16 20:12:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(one Lungo steps out with a cancer kazoo)
STAY AWAY FROM NICORETTE
Good gank, coleslaw guy.
Submitted by DirtyDoubleEntendre (user info) at 2006-08-16 19:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-08-16 17:09:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-16 16:59:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great title.
Also, Shlongy is a huge fan of cigarettes.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-16 16:51:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAPPY UBERVERSARY
This smoke won't hurt you.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/89475
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-16 16:06:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
filename
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-08-16 14:38:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Baaaaa
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-08-16 12:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hypatia86 (user info) at 2006-08-16 12:29:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
this must have taken awhile. Great job with the boat ride, Glad you kept with the "choas" of the first willy wonka. Not that shit version with Johnny Depp, that pissed me off...
__________________
Yeah, when I first heard about the plans for "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" I thought, "It would be cool if it was the story of what happened AFTER Charlie took over for Wonka.
But no... it was just another effing remake!
Submitted by Hypatia86 (user info) at 2006-08-16 12:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this must have taken awhile. Great job with the boat ride, Glad you kept with the "choas" of the first willy wonka. Not that shit version with Johnny Depp, that pissed me off...
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-08-16 12:16:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
neat
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-16 11:43:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A mighty +2 for effort
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-08-16 09:15:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha!!!
You must have even less work to do than me, and I dont do jack shit in this place.
I figure I've made over £50 so far today, just by reading uber posts and playing minesweeper.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-16 09:15:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And happy uberversary.
19 posts in a year? Such restraint you have.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-16 09:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You'd get a +2 for effort and content anyway, but you certainly get one for "cig'rette."
FUCK SYLLABLES. FUCK THEM, SAYS I. FUCK THEM IN THEIR BIG STUPID ASSES.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-16 09:09:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*chokes on liquid diamond that I'm drinking*
Wow. I say.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-08-16 06:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
lame
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-08-16 05:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My Uberversary Post...