Tuesday will grab you by the buttocks and rip you apart (788 hits)
Category: NewsLabels: comedy
Rating: 1.44 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Maltese (View user info) at 2006-08-10 11:43:09 EDT
Tuesdays suck ass. You KNOW they do. Know why? Because there's NOTHING to do on Tuesdays!
On Monday, you have something to do: you can waste your time loathing the fact that it's a fresh new week at your shit-ass job, trying to make enough money everyday to support your wife/cocaine habit/wife's cocaine habit.
On Wednesday, it's the middle of the week. It's all downhill from here, and the rest of the week rolls like a fat man down a windy hot dog stand.
On Thursday, Uber is at its peak, shit posts galore, and it's almost the end of the 40 hours per week you spend in that cubicle next to the sweaty Bulgarian guy with that horrid mustache and whose armpits smell like a toilet seat.
On Friday, it's almost the end of the week and you're the king of the world. No more are you doomed to a life of entering shit-ass data into a shit-ass computer in a shit-ass cubical in a shit-ass building. For the next two days, the world is your oyster and your bitch. Or both, if you're into that kind of thing.
But Tuesday? Is there any fucking thing to do on Tuesday? NO! You sit around that cubical making some other guy rich so that he can name his kids Biff and videotape them having sex with each other. Tuesdays drag ON and ON and ON (which is, I believe, where tuesdaydelay got his name from).
Now, I'm only sixteen, so I don't have to work in said shit-ass cubical. However, in the long California summer, anything bad can happen on a Tuesday. And well, it happened this week.
On said Tuesday, I went down to the market to get something for my wife (yes, I know, I'm sixteen and married, but I'm from Alabama, what the fuck do you expect?).
When I was growing up, we never had enough money to buy a bike, so to this day I don't know how to ride one. Instead, I ride a scooter. No, fuck YOU.
Anyways, when going down a slope, I tend to put my foot on the ground to maintain a steady speed, which is what I did this Tuesday, while I hurtled down a steep sidewalk.
However, at the bottom of the slope was a large fucking rock, right in the path of my foot.
The foot I was using to brake hit the rock and I tripped, while hauling ass on a scooter at twenty miles an hour (32 km/h).
I fell and my body dragged a few feet. I screamed like a seven-year-old girl with gonorrhea for the next few seconds before I stood up and examined myself.
I had two large groups of bleeding scratches, one on each leg. I also had three deep gashes in my left wrist, which resembled Goatse so well I thought I had just plunged into a man's expanding rectum. I also had a gash on my left shoulder as well.
I stumbled over to a bank and sat down. This is where Tuesday started to rape my ass and eat my parents.
The particular owner of this bank loved cats. She had four black cats that walked around the bank. One of the cats jumped up on my legs, its paws slamming into my gashes.
"AAAAAAAH!" I shouted.
The lady looked at me while the cat rested on my legs.
"Aww, that's just JubJub. Don't worry, he wouldn't hurt a fly!"
She offered me some napkins to clean up my blood with.
After about fifteen minutes of wiping blood from my body, the cat jumped off my legs.
Then I looked down.
What I saw was enough to make Chuck Norris turn emo.
There was cat hair in my wounds. CAT HAIR!
And not just a little bit. I'm talking an assload, hell, there was enough hair in them that they could have shaved a cat with a cheese grater over my legs.
Also, it is hard as hell to get cat hair out of wounds.
I walked down the street, determined to get Autumn (my wife) the stuff she needed from the market.
Now, I know that Los Angeles has its fair share of ass-gluing, eye-gouging, anthrax-spreading weirdos, but apparently they had never seen a teenager walking down crowded streets while picking cat hair out of his wounds. I continued to do this into the market, where I bought some honey, grenadine, Sprite, peanut butter, Fritos, lemonade, and Oreos (it's true what they say about how pregnant women eat weird stuff).
While I bent down to pick more hair out of the gashes, my head slammed into a huge fucking pile of wooden crates that was being carted across the store. I fell over again, writhing in pain. The motherfucker didn't even bother to ask if I was alright.
A few people jumped back from me, as I'm sure you would if you saw a guy with a bloody shirt appearing to breakdance inside a market.
I gathered up all of the items, and approached the check-out counter.
She scanned the items.
"That'll be $25, please."
No. NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!
This was all the money I had left for the week. Fuck it, it's for my wife, she's pregnant for fuck's sake, I'll do this for her.
I go back through the streets, my favorite shirt ruined, covered in blood. Cars zipped by the curb as I waited to cross the street.
As I waited, I checked my $30 watch. It was broken. FUCK!
I also saw liquid pooling in my hand. The lemonade was leaking.
Then, as if some law had been passed to make Tuesday a living hell for me, the lemonade poured onto the three Goatse-gashes on my wrist.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGH!!! IT BUUUURRRRRNNNNNSSSSSSSS!!!"
In shock, I dropped the bag of groceries, my already-bumped head smacked into a brick wall behind me, and I fell onto the grocerie bag, ruining the food and smashing my wounds again.
Now it's Thursday, and I'm broke, my wife is screaming at me, I have seven wounds oozing pus all over the place, the groceries got ruined, and I'm STILL picking cat hair out of my legs!
I will get you, Tuesday. If it's the last thing I ever DOoOoOoOoOoOoO!!!!!!!
And now, a collage of cliché "OWNED" images, which is exactly how I feel right now.
Good night, bitches.
User Reviews
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-02-06 19:04:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I wish I could see from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-12 18:06:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was exceptional
Submitted by Gunslinger (user info) at 2006-08-11 11:30:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I like your stuff :D
Married at 16 = auto LOL
methinks you are gonna have a looooooong, boring life.
gl hf
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-08-10 22:18:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU ARE SO RIGHT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/64141
Submitted by eppliks (user info) at 2006-08-10 21:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Now, I'm only sixteen, so I-"
Stop right there, you just admitted that you don't know jack shit.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-10 20:42:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SHAMONE... AGEEN
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-10 17:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mini_plum (user info) at 2006-08-10 15:53:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.maltese.justgotowned.com
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Dude. You SERIOUSLY have WAY too much time on your hands 0_o
Submitted by mini_plum (user info) at 2006-08-10 15:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
www.maltese.justgotowned.com
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-10 14:51:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2006-08-10 14:47:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty funny for a 16 year old who rides a scooter.
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WEEEPS.
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2006-08-10 14:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty funny for a 16 year old who rides a scooter.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-10 14:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DAMMIT SOMEONE RATE DIS
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:40:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
For the complete and utter WTF factor...
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Especially for me; I literally said "WTF" out loud when I got home, which made me feel like a nerd.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:40:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the complete and utter WTF factor...
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:34:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:44:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a good rant.
I'm also amused by the fact that you happen to be 16, married, and a expecting a child, and none of those things are the focus of your rant.
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Naw, actually, I like being married (I know that sounds weird, but it's true).
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"...and the rest of the week rolls like a fat man down a windy hot dog stand." uh... OK
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Roadrash sucks. Poor kid, have a +2.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:32:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
All right you little cousin-screwing clusterfuck, I'm gonna rate this fairly.
<<<This was a fun rant, and I have had days like that.>>>
There, see? No smart-ass bullshit, nailing a post because of the poster, just a straight-forward honest review and rating.
Try it some time.
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Sorry about that... I'll do that from now on.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a good rant.
I'm also amused by the fact that you happen to be 16, married, and a expecting a child, and none of those things are the focus of your rant.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I lived in Richmond, Tiki Bob's had 10 cent(s) tacos and quarter Miller Lites. Well they claimed that they were Miller, but after going there for a year straight (and I'm not bullshitting, a year and some change without ever missing a Tuesday night) one of the waitresses finally cracked and told me the truth. It was Beast light or some other shitty beer that gave me the shits.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:32:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All right you little cousin-screwing clusterfuck, I'm gonna rate this fairly.
<<<This was a fun rant, and I have had days like that.>>>
There, see? No smart-ass bullshit, nailing a post because of the poster, just a straight-forward honest review and rating.
Try it some time.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:24:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
amusing
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:04:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should do a post on how you managed to knock up a 16 year old girl, and marry her.
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Contrary to what you might think, it was actually one of the best things that ever happened to me - it allowed me to get away from Alabama/
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:04:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should do a post on how you managed to knock up a 16 year old girl, and marry her.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
I have rehearsal on Tuesday night, which means my Tuesdays are always busy. What I have found is that there are always fun things to do on Tuesdays. Last week, on of my favorite local bands did an accoustic set at one of my favorite local bars. This week there was some movie in the park I wanted to go to. Etc. Wednesday are generally my worst days.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-10 11:57:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-10 11:55:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for being a married, pregnant, 16 year old.
This post reminds me how much I love condoms. You should try them sometime.
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I just KNOW someone is going to quote Wazza on this. I just know it.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-10 11:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for being a married, pregnant, 16 year old.
This post reminds me how much I love condoms. You should try them sometime.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-08-10 11:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You got fucked...
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-10 11:49:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAW HAW you're 16 with a knocked up wife HAAAA that's what's funniest here.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-08-10 11:49:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So funny that a few people have written posts saying how bad Tuesdays are. Jeannieee did one too I think. Sorry to linkwhore but THIS was a Tuesday too.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66015
Submitted by DoubleDong (user info) at 2006-08-10 11:48:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hmmm ...
+1 for effort
-1 for being from Alabama
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-08-10 11:48:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. Well written.