A Real Tall Tale (rewrite) (966 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by guiness (View user info) at 2006-07-18 15:47:49 EDT
Taken from: http://www.ubersite.com/m/90601
***
One day I was sitting on my front porch eating a big bowl of beans and some Doritos because I'm an idiot who made the utterly sublime decision to buy beer and an iPod in lieu of fucking food. Oh well, at least it was a big bowl.
In retrospect, that big bowl probably saved my life. You see, I have been a victim. A victim of a horrible habit. A victim of an addict.
*****
While I was eating my beans, a figure caught my attention out of the corner of my eye towards the driveway. So I looked over expecting my next door neighbor Jack or maybe the mailman. But low and fucking behold, what did I see? I saw a 5' tall, black, ugly, hairy monkey walking in my driveway coming towards me! Of course I freaked out. I mean, who wouldn't with this damn beast coming at them? I immediately assumed that he was just an escapee from the local zoo. But the clincher was when I heard him say "dirty son of a bitch" under his breath. At that, my brain promptly turned 3.5 somersaults, cracked open a beer and proceeded to take a dump in my head.
"What the hell?! Did you just speak?"
"Of course I spoke asshole. Now bring me all your fucking bananas!!"
"I don't have any bananas!"
"You dirty humans ALWAYS have bananas! Taunting me with them, giving me small, metered doses of them to get me hooked! Well, I'll show you now!"
With that, he lunged at me, knocked me to the ground and and grabbed me around the neck. As he tightened his hold I could see the unmistakable gleam of a junkie in his eyes. Somehow I mustered up the strength to break his grip and roll away from him. I grabbed the closest possible weapon I saw, whch happened to be an old broom handle, and swung it at him as hard as I could. He lithely ducked and threw his arm up to catch the blow, breaking the broom handle.
"You pussy! I'm gonna kill you now!!"
He lunged at me again, this time tackling me and pinning me to the ground where he got another hold on my throat.
"Fusion, fusion, fusion!", he cried.
"What?!", I gurgled.
"I don't know!! I'm insane and allowed to say nonsense like that!!!"
I knew at this point that this was the end for me. I've always been a nervous individual and the whole situation just drove my stomach into convulsions. On top of that, my previously unfinished meal of beans, Doritos and beer, wasn't encouraging things.
As he looked down on me tightening his grip around my throat and laughing maniacally, he made his first and last mistake. When his knee pushed into my stomach, my ass unleashed all the fury contained in the first 10 levels of Hell and then some. As the blue flames shot out of my poop hole and hit his nose, I could feel his grip loosening and could see the horror as it crept into his face. I decided now was my chance to defeat this outrageous enemy.
"Have at you!!, I Monty Python'd as I threw him off of me.
While he was busy trying not to continue frothing at the mouth, I picked up a weapon a little more suitable for using against a crazed addict monkey, my trusty crowbar. After three blows, the fight was over. I learned three things that day. One: Monkey blood can be removed from clothing easily with non-bleach alternative. Two: Lines from British comedy can be useful when fighting primates. Three: Beans are not only good for the heart, they are especially good for saving ones life from junkie monkeys.
User Reviews
Submitted by kybernetikum (user info) at 2006-10-06 00:46:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by lossy (user info) at 2006-07-19 10:15:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You see - not to bad now
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-07-18 20:41:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Alright then.
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2006-07-18 20:26:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My +2 streak is ruined!! Oh Noes!!!
Submitted by tonylachacha (user info) at 2006-07-18 20:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well you know how to reach this crowd better than I do. Just be glad I gave you something to boost your ratings with.
Submitted by Samo (user info) at 2006-07-18 18:50:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2006-07-18 17:09:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow..this doing better than any of my other posts..too bad it's not fucking original. Damn!
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-07-18 16:41:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-07-18 16:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
Submitted by Defect (user info) at 2006-07-18 16:21:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 Funny +1 Fusion
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2006-07-18 15:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess that's a compliment :)
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-18 15:54:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well, I guess I'm duty-bound to +2 this - I guess you did improve it - in a fucked up, retarded way