Old Home Movies: A Look Back At My Childhood Shenanigans And How An Adult Board Game Got Me In The Worst Trouble I'd Ever Been In (6491 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.96 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2006-07-09 14:02:07 EDT
For those of you who aren't familiar with these posts I've been writing off and on for the past few years, these are stories from my childhood about my family and my screwed up up-bringing.
Other stories from my Old Home Movies Series.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/25125 Old Home Movies: Dad The Porno Guy
http://www.ubersite.com/m/25164 Old Home Movies: Porno Guy, Continued
http://www.ubersite.com/m/25239 Old Home Movies: Meet Aunt Tammie
http://www.ubersite.com/m/25316 Old Home Movies: Meet Drunk Mom
http://www.ubersite.com/m/25637 Old Home Movies: Pimpin' At 3 Years Old
http://www.ubersite.com/m/25996 Another Reason My Family Is More Fucked Up Than Yours
http://www.ubersite.com/m/26772 "Ew, What Is It?"
http://www.ubersite.com/m/26821 Kids Say The Darndest, Most Fucked Up Things
http://www.ubersite.com/m/27234 Old Home Movies: Behind The Camera
http://www.ubersite.com/m/27492 To Grandmother's Trailer We Go
http://www.ubersite.com/m/27582 Driving Uncle Gary
http://www.ubersite.com/m/29623 Let's Talk About Sex
http://www.ubersite.com/m/39041 Sideburns' Family Reunion
http://www.ubersite.com/m/44558 Kindergarten Sluts And Bullies
http://www.ubersite.com/m/45279 Why You Shouldn't Light Yourself On Fire
http://www.ubersite.com/m/47916 Underage Sluts Will Have Sex If You Have A Sweet Ride
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51221 The Rollerskate Challenge
http://www.ubersite.com/m/59954 Tales Of The Ass Master
http://www.ubersite.com/m/79753 I Saw Auntie Fucking Santa Claus
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When I was younger and the month of December came upon me, I knew that it was time to do some snooping. My parents kept my Christmas presents somewhere and it was my job to find out where. I always found things that I knew I probably shouldn't have, but you have to dig through the bad/nasty to get to the gold mine.
I was caught the year before when I found what I thought was my mom's vibrating back massager. As a child, life was tense, so I decided to steal it a couple times and use it on my back. My mom never freaked out more than she did that day when she walked into the house and found a 9 year old boy with her dildo on his bare back moaning out "Ohhhhh yeahhhh.....that's....ittttt....". Now I think I know why my dad questioned my sexuality for years.
Then there was the time I had a fascination with clowns, so I locked myself in the bathroom and used my mother's makeup to look like Bozo. Of course, I ended up looking like Tammie Fay Baker, but oh well. Mom's makeup wasn't worth a shit anyway. The mascara ran when my dad gave me my whooping.
So, back to the story, I was ten years old and snooping for my Christmas presents when my parents weren't home. I climbed my way to the top shelf of the closet and noticed a red box that looked to be some sort of game. I hopped up and pulled at it a few times until it finally fell into my grasp. The name of the game didn't sound familiar.
"Seduction: A Game For Swinging Couples."
Swinging?! I LOVE SWINGS! Sometimes, I can get so high that I almost swing full-circle around the top bar. I like jumping off when I get really high on the swing. This will be a sweet game.
We lived in Biloxi, MS, so my parents were heavily into being gone for 12 hours at a time--especially with all the new casinos that were being built. It was almost dark out so I had to get my friends together to play this awesome new board game I found.
The cover of the game was of a man and a woman looking at eachother with a look in their eyes. I now know that that's the "fuck me" look. When I was ten, it was the "I'm having fun playing this game" look. I carried the game in my arm as I trotted down the block to Joe's house. Joe was my best friend. I told him about the game and he sounded game. We then went to the homes of Karen and Christina. It was on.
We all met on my back porch as I dumped the game contents onto the patio table. Weird. It looks like Monopoly. The game pieces looked a little odd.
"I wanna be the tower!", Joseph shouted.
It was a replica of a penis. But sure.
"What's this? It looks like an ant hill. I'm this one", Karen said.
It was a boobie game piece. Tehe. Boobie.
"I'm the butt! I get the butt piece!". Christina snatched it.
Okay we were 1 for 3 in identifying the game pieces. It was indeed an ass.
None of us could figure out the game piece that I got. It looked like a cave, but whatever.
I read the rules aloud. As soon as we all had an understanding, we began the game. The basic premise is to roll the dice and move your game pieces accordingly. Everytime, you had to draw a card. There were four different colors of cards, so whatever color you landed on, you'd draw that color card and do what the card said. If you didn't do it, you'd have to take the penalty of moving back to where you previously were.
The two girls sat beside eachother with Joseph and I sitting together on the opposite end. Christina rolled first and drew her card. She looked at it puzzled, trying to figure out its meaning.
"Read it out loud!", I said.
"Um... Slowly rub the shaft of the player to your left."
Christina looked at Karen. Karen looked back with a confused glare.
"What's a shaft?"
"Haha! You don't even know what your shaft is!", Joe exclaimed.
"Then what is it, smarty pants?", Christina belted.
Looking back, there's something sadistically comical about two ten year old girls trying to figure out where their shaft is.
"I think it's my arm."
"Sounds good to me."
Christina rubbed Karen's arm for a bit, then we continued the game.
The rest were a bit juvenile and we understood them.
"Tie a cherry stem with your tongue."
"Eat a strawberry with the person next to you".
It was my turn. I rolled and chose my card.
"Lick whipped cream from the navel of th person to your right."
I looked to my right. Joseph looked back.
Looking back, Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" would have been the perfect/awkward soundtrack for this moment.
I handed the card to Joseph. He read it. "No! No! No way dude!"
"I'm not doing that! That's gay!"
I didn't know what a shaft was, but by golly, I knew what was gay. That was gay. I wasn't gay. Straight kids don't do gay things. It just doesn't make sense.
"You have to!! I ate a stawberry out of Christina's mouth!"
"That's different!", I said.
"How?"
"You're girls."
"YOU GUYS ARE DOING IT!"
The girls grabbed me and dragged me into my house as Joseph followed. WHY THE FUCK DID HE FOLLOW ME? DOES HE REALIZE THAT IF HE ISN'T AROUND, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO LICK WHIPPED TOPPING FROM HIS BELLY BUTTON?!
Fag.
Christina rummaged through my fridge and could only find sour cream.
"This'll do."
They both tossed Joseph on the couch and lifted his shirt up. Christina dumped the entire fucking contents of the container onto Joseph.
"AHHHHHHH IT'S COLD, IT'S COLD!!"
"It just came outta the fridge!", Karen said as she held him down.
"Do it, Justin. Hurry. He's too strong!".
I gulped and slowly walked over toward them. I was going to take one for the team. I was going to continue the game, because I wasn't one to quit or even lose. I'm a winner!
BUT WHY SOUR CREAM?! THAT'S A FUCKING TACO TOPPING!
This was one taco that I really wasn't too interested in eating.
I got down on my knees and looked at Christina, then Karen, in one last ditch "Do I really have to?".
At that moment, the front door swung open. I turned my head and saw my saviors standing right there. Well, for that moment they were my saviors until they figured out what was going on.
"Justin!!!!!!!! Get your ass to your room now!! Joe, clean that up and go home!!!! You two girls go home to your parents! They'll be hearing from me!"
The two girls started crying as they ran out the front door, followed by Joseph who didn't even bother to clean himself up. I wonder what the neighbors were thinking that day to see a young boy running from my house with no shirt and sour cream on his chest and stomach.
I scampered to my room and did what I knew best. Preparing for a whooping that only the big black monster could give me. No, not my dad. I'm talking about the weapon he'd be yielding. It was a meter stick that he'd used on me so many times that it eventually broke on my ass. He taped it up with black electrical tape and dubbed it the assmaster.
I threw on as many pairs of pants as I could and then my dad entered my room. He didn't say a word as he yanked down every pair of pants I'd just put on. Damnit. Every time. I don't even know why I bother with the pants. All he does is yank all of them down so he can spank my bare ass. It only makes it that much harder to walk over to my bed and lay down to cry.
WAM!
SCREAM.
"What have you learned, Justin?!?!?!", he was pissed.
"Don't wear lots of pants while you're spanking me!!!", I screamed. I was hysterical. These whippings hurt.
WAM! WAM! WAM!
Pain surged through my body.
"This hurts me more than it hurts you!!"
"Then why can't I hit you with it????", I said between sobs.
Idiot. Shutup.
WAM WAM WAM WAM WAM WAM WAM WAM WAM WAM WAM WAM WAM WAM.
My dad had a lot of explaining to do the next day to some parents. He stayed pissed at me for weeks after that. He could never be as pissed as he was then....
....until I did something even more stupid the next time......
-Sideburns
User Reviews
Submitted by fluffy_love (user info) at 2006-08-10 01:32:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Swinging?! I LOVE SWINGS!
AAAAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by pastacheese (user info) at 2006-08-08 01:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're back!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-07-26 20:08:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Since when is Lechuga back???
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V
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2006-07-19 17:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So when all was said and done, did you go back over to his house and rub his shaft?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-07-19 09:24:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
mildly amusing
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-07-13 22:31:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-07-12 14:10:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MisterDevious (user info) at 2006-07-12 11:19:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2006-07-11 15:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This feels so like my own childhood that it gives me a warm rush.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-07-11 10:31:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another classic.
Post more.
Submitted by Aeneas (user info) at 2006-07-10 17:17:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always enjoyed reading your posts. Please keep them coming, you're my favourite author on the site!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-10 17:15:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for assmaster
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-07-10 15:55:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear I discovered the game "Who Would You Do?" Christmas 1995.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-07-10 15:37:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I originally read the beginning as: "When I was younger and the month of December came upon me, I knew that it was time to do some spooning"
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-07-10 15:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very, very funny. I laughed so loud I was forced to link several people at work to your post.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-07-10 09:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"This hurts me more than it hurts you!!"
"Then why can't I hit you with it????", I said between sobs.
=======================================
HAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-07-10 09:07:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope you told wifey about your spanking fetish.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-07-10 08:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fag.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-07-10 05:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Does your wife know youn licked sour cream of a kids belly?
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-07-10 04:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-07-09 23:15:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha..
Brilliant!
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-07-09 23:05:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So...does your new bride know about this little semi-bi-sexual childhood you had?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-09 18:26:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GAH!
The multiple pants trick has never worked on any parent. The frying pan down the pants, however, got me out of one because my mom laughed so hard when she swung and heard, "Gongggggggg".
That's the best onimonapea I have ever written.
Thank you Burns.
Ass.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-07-09 18:13:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally back in fighting form, I see. And for my usual reply...
Werd.
My nigga.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2006-07-09 18:06:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed.
pretty soon, we'll be looking for:
New Home Movies: Life as a Newlywed
Submitted by Dolson (user info) at 2006-07-09 17:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Laugh out loud funny.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-07-09 17:21:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-09 16:11:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Marvin Gaye
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-07-09 15:38:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I rubbed MY shaft the entire time I was reading... and it was a good shaft rubbing, I tell you.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-07-09 15:38:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe
Submitted by PerkMan (user info) at 2006-07-09 15:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahah getting whooped sucks ass.
But you sure do remember them eh? haha I have some stories to tell....
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2006-07-09 15:08:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just remember that you will be picking his nursing home... ;)
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-07-09 14:27:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just too perfect.