They said it changes when the sun goes down. (694 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.06 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nobb (View user info) at 2006-07-06 07:20:18 EDT
I have a lot of stories from walking this path. They told me it changes when the sun goes down.Tales of walking down this dark alley, my first days in this strange city. What a place to choose for my first destination. The East End of London.
Tales from a young man, walking frightened, eyes diverted, pointing at the ground.
But rather I'd tell you about when I had grown accustomed to it. A usual evening in the months I lived there.
I worked in a pub, about a miles walk from the flat I lived in for the time being. A dirty shithole. Well compared to the humble New Zealand bars I was used to, where the average patron was an 18 year old, with a pocket full of cash, looking to score.
Instead what I found was something quite different. I worked in a pub, and a relatively rough one at that. I'm a rather big guy, so I'm not surprised it was this kind of place I ended up. It wasn't that rough, but it was full of the underbelly of East London. The owner didn't care for the most part, most of them kept quiet as they chatted at tables about something fucked. And for myself, I didn't know, and when I did, I preferred not to think about what they were conversing, they tipped well, and were polite enough.
When the shift ended, 3am, I'd head out the back door and into the dark streets. They were reasonably well lit in parts, but for plenty of others, only partial light was provided. I had to walk through plenty of these places, the places mother warned you about. I remember being frightened, walking past those fucking crackheads. Their crooked teeth smiling behind worn gums as they saw you walk past. Some of them dealing, some of them looking for an easy nick. After a while they grew to recognize me. At least the ones with more sense, or those that were tougher, the ones which held the lighter spots. I was determined to avoid that shit, but I raised both eye brows and quickly nodded each time I passed the man, his semi gloved shaking hands. Maybe he was planning to shank me, but I felt he recognized my empathy for recognizing him as a human being, as pathetic as his teeth and outstretched hands represented otherwise.
As I walked past the addicts, there would be the ladies of the night. Those poor unfortunate girls who'd chosen wrong, somewhere or another, and ended up here. In these dark, forgotten streets. For a while they'd look at me expecentently, a young girl would approach, fucked teeth, dilated eyes, desperate, I'd politely turn her down. I may have grown accustomed to this shit hole, but this still wasn't my thing.
Head down, pulling my coat over my shoulders, neck turned up, fuck it was cold, those poor bastards. Past beggars, dealers and hookers, head down, hands in pockets freezing, a British winter. I'd usually come across at least one girl, dilated eyes, desperate, I'd politely turn her down. I may have grown accustomed to this shit hole, but this still wasn't my thing.
Head down, pulling my coat over my shoulders, neck turned up, fuck it was cold, those poor bastards. Past beggars, dealers and hookers, head down, hands in pockets freezing, a British winter. I'd usually have my tips in my pockets, if I was doing alright I'd throw what I had to the beggars, god knows those poor buggers could use it more than I. But for most nights it was head down, ignore what you can.
They said it changes when the sun goes down.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-06-29 14:37:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"expecentently"?
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2006-07-06 20:57:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
+1 for the story...
but sorry, you get a -2 for mentioning the All Blacks in the comments section, please dont make us all look like rugby-heads.
I hate rugby, and almost punched this silly kiwi bitch I met on a snowboarding trip in Canada who said to me "Omg, you didn't bring an All Blacks jersey with you? EVERY kiwi should bring one when they go overseas" I told her rugby sucked and that I had brought my Rally of New Zealand shirt and a copy of Salmonella Dub with me instead.
LOTS of Canadians asked me where they could get a copy of the Salmonella Dub CD.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-06 19:44:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
repreprepreprepreprepreprepetition sux
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-07-06 11:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm so torn right now.
Okay, so you observe things. That's good. People who write have to be keen on what's going on around them in order to tell an interesting story.
ADVICE:
Figure out what you want the story to be about. A rough idea. A begining/middle/end.
For example: http://www.ubersite.com/m/44771
Before I wrote it I thought of the ending. "I want to write a story about kids who dig a hole to china".
The middle is there to develop charecters, add discriptions and typically just make the story interseting and readable. For that story I added bits to show how trashy and stupid the mom was. Her charecter is the only one I bothered developing, so I focused everything around showing the reader who she was.
Then I thought about how I'd begin it... what would pull people in and make it interesting? If the story FEELS REAL most people will start to read it. (You do good at this) For that particular story I thought, "I'll write from the standpoint of a stupid white trash lady, get everyone to think this is a stupid white trash lady story, and then SHOCK them with the end!"
Okay, so I think in terms of "End/middle/begining". I know what I want to do at the end, I know how I want to get there, then I figure out how I want to start it out.
SO
You have got the middle somewhat under control. You have set the scene and made us see what the main charecter is like. This whole post is "the middle". Now you should just figure out what you want the guy to DO.
Just brainstorm:
Rob a bank?
Kill someone?
Turn gay on a bum?
Take over the bar?
Find a puppy in the alley and serve it as steaks at the bar in order to fuck with the patrons?
Turn into a bum/criminal since he understands and accepts them so well?
Okay now I have to go eat lunch.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-07-06 10:48:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, okay you want advice?
1. Have a plot.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-07-06 10:46:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What the fuck is this?
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2006-07-06 09:52:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, an American wearing an Aussie rugby shirt is better than an Aussie eh? You need to get an All Blacks shirt though. Might as well wear the best. I'm moving to America later this year, gonna have to grab one before I go and show you yanks what it's all about. You and your shoulder pads and tights, pffbt.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-07-06 09:43:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope this doesn't piss in your cheerios but I'm a redneck american who digs the aussie team.
I do, however, think your story here could stand a revision, but is a very solid descriptive piece.
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2006-07-06 08:27:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Most of my positive comments are by rad? You bastard, i'd written you off as a cunt. Now you're some Jolly skinny bastard...
Dunno what I can say to Darko. Being a self admitted 'nobb' deserves a -2? /cry.
I don't mind getting told my shit sucks by people who joined a long, long time, after I did. Almost all people who ever glance at this post joined after I did. And many of those that will, are better writers than am I. But hey, a pre 1000 number counts for something right? Long time listener, relatively short time poster?
Swedish. Well I was referring to the drug deals i'd often hear occuring at tables i'd deliver pints to. I could tell some were drug deals, most used language I had no fucking idea what they were talking about, but I knew it was fucked. So I refered to all of it as fucked. It was a pub filled with mostly dirty fucking bastards. But as you said, London, especially the dirty east side, has something quaint about it I won't forget.
Something we don't certainly have in Auckland. Us clean little bastards.
Submitted by swedish_pump (user info) at 2006-07-06 08:06:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hello
Rarely write anything as the comment section as it's usually reserved for various regular users to insult each other, using hyperbolic references to homosexuality.
I liked what you started, as a Londoner I could relate to the cynicism and dirtiness inherent in our despicable but likable city, but the following sentence kind of lost me though what were you trying to express?
"The owner didn't care for the most part, most of them kept quiet as they chatted at tables about something fucked".
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-07-06 07:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fair enough
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-07-06 07:51:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I quite liked this, could have used a little more detail, but some pretty good descriptive bits in there.
-Dave
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-07-06 07:46:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't make me come over there Brian!
http://www.ubersite.com/u/bickerstaff then.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-07-06 07:43:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-07-06 07:35:37 (#)
Ranking: -2
I'd recommend you have a look at some of Ghola's prose http://www.ubersite.com/u/ghola to see how you might want to structure your work to give a better flow.
Otherwise, welcome to Uber.
===============================================
don't ever listen to a thing this dude says.
He's just trying to whore out his clique's circle jerk.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-07-06 07:42:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-06 07:39:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for getting a "welcome to uber" from someone who joined two and a half years after you did.
---
Yeah. Sorry about that. It was all that ginger bastard Jason's fault though. He was named after a calendar you know.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-06 07:39:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for getting a "welcome to uber" from someone who joined two and a half years after you did.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-07-06 07:36:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't know if it is supposed to be true, but a couple points that bothered me.
Shitty "rough" bars normally don't tip well.
People you have to worry about in bad neighborhoods normally don't hang out under the lights.
And I didn't really get the point, if you were just talking about how the street turns bad at night you seemed to spend a lot of time talking about how tough you are.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-07-06 07:36:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Little bit of repetition too 'politely turn her down.'
Perhaps draft your work in Word or whatever - walk away and come back and re-read it after a day or so.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-07-06 07:35:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Right - this was pretty damn poor.
I think you have your story in your head, but your delivery and expression is letting you down. You drop in observations which don't really work with the story. You say you were frightened, but nothing beyond that.
What you have here was a thumbnail sketch of a scene - and that could have been quite refreshing and interesting.
I'd recommend you have a look at some of Ghola's prose http://www.ubersite.com/u/ghola to see how you might want to structure your work to give a better flow.
Otherwise, welcome to Uber.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-07-06 07:35:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good try at it. I'm going to give it a re-read when I'm not so tired, it might make better sense then.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-06 07:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2006-07-06 07:22:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry this is pretty poor. Just looking for constructive criticism. First time really writing something, and i'm a bit pissed.
Sure i'll get a bit of shit, but hey at least i'm not a 'noob' right?
------------------------
You're a nobb, and that's close enough for me.
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2006-07-06 07:22:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry this is pretty poor. Just looking for constructive criticism. First time really writing something, and i'm a bit pissed.
Sure i'll get a bit of shit, but hey at least i'm not a 'noob' right?
Rate what you want, but give me advice if you're willing. Been here a long long time, longer than most of you I assume, but haven't really tried writing, looking for advice, thanks a lot.
Credits to the Artic Monkeys for the title, and for a bit of inspiration on how fucked up London can be.