My ass got me fired from my new job. No, seriously. (3693 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.72 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2006-07-02 22:28:10 EDT
I now think I know why I haven't posted regularly on Ubersite since being a bachelor. When I was single, I was doing stupid things every weekend that were all story-worthy. Now being married, my wife won't let me do stupid things. We'll just be standing around in the middle of a store and I'm looking around whistling to myself, and she'll say "Justin, don't even think about it." Right about that time, I notice a midget and a fat lady in line in front of us. She knows when I'm about to do or say something outloud to embarass myself and her and she stops me before a thought even enters my head.
But unfortunately, my own shenanigans aren't the reason I'm writing this. Something completely beyond my control caused havoc in my normal, seemingly soon-to-be lavish life.
I had been working as an ATM software tech for a few years, virtually headed nowhere within the company. I decided that I needed to switch my focus over to a company that was more career oriented. I put in a few resumes to some pretty big companies, not really expecting to hear anything back.
About a month ago, I received a call from the biggest foreign automaker in the southeast and they were looking for employees. My jaw dropped as the person on the other line explained to me the perks. Great pay, great benefits, 4 day work week. Sounds great. I'm in. I went through the treacherous 12 step employment process which included several interviews, 2 drug tests, 2 physicals, strength tests, psych tests, written, oral, and stamina tests. After passing them, I was in the door.
As a temp to hire employee.
Oy.
For 90 days, one screwup, one mishap-- and I'm out of there. They don't need an excuse for dropping a temp because you're just that-- a temp. Okay, I'll just walk a fine line for the first three months and get hired on. Easy enough.
I left my current job and started a new venture. This job was REALLY hard work. After two weeks, I was still waiting for my body to adapt to standing for ten to twelve hours straight. I was sore, tired and exhausted.
In the middle of the day this past week, I had the urge to pass a poopie. I excused myself from the work at hand and sat on the only seat that had made contact with my butt all day. "Hmmm... I have to poop. I'm not pooping. This is weird." I pushed. Harder and harder. It started hurting beyong any ass-hurting I've ever had. (Insert your own joke here.) Without going into descriptive detail, nothing happened except bleeding.
For those of you that've had this experience before, you got it. HEMORRHOID! I've never had one, so I didn't think anything of it. I walked out of the bathroom and noticed that I couldn't walk without limping. I was hurting. Not good. I couldn't do this strenuous work while hurting this bad. I notified the supervisor and was sent home with advice to see a doctor. I did just that and the diagnose was official.
I loaded up with stool softener and laxatives and went home. My benefits hadn't kicked in yet, so I told the doctor to bill me and I'd try to get workers' compensation. After all, this job was the reason I was in this predicament. The next few days were very painful, especially when the urge came about. Still, nothing happened each time. I stopped eating for three days, lost a little weight, and kept taking the laxative and stool softener.
I called the temp company to report my absence for the next day. Thank God it was at the end of the week. Unfortunately, nobody ever answers the phone so I left a detailed message and told them that they NEEDED to report my absence to the supervisor and noted that I had a doctor's note. I called the next day to confirm, but once again nobody answered.
The pain eventually subsided enough for me to return to work. I gave the doctor bill to my supervisor, who wasn't very happy when she saw me.
"Where were you the other day?! You didn't even call us!"
I explained what I did.
"Well, you're supposed to report to us too."
"I know, but I don't have your direct extension and couldn't remember your name. When I called the direct office, they couldn't help me."
"Well, you've already been blacklisted as 'quit'."
"I didn't quit. I'm still here."
After a long lecture, I returned to my strenuous duties. Heh, strenuous duties. Guess what? That's when Mr. Laxative decided he wanted to kick in. I excused myself to the bathroom more times than I could remember that day. Everyone took notice about the new temp that was slowing up production.
The regular employees already don't respect temps, but none of them knew my circumstance and I wasn't about to make it clear-- for obvious reasons. They just saw me as the temp that got to go home early, takes way too many breaks, and got another chance after quitting.
Eventually, I was pulled to the side and was told that my services would no longer be needed. I saw it coming, so I didn't fight it. The company is going to pay the bill, but that's the only perk in the situation. Fuck butt bumps. They got me fired.
So for now, it's back to the old job. You never really appreciate your job until you leave it. Then you realize how easy you have it compared to some folks. I'll never take it for granted again. At least not until another "too good to be true" opportunity comes along.
-Sideburns
User Reviews
Submitted by cascade (user info) at 2006-07-03 22:12:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
strenuous duties
heehee. you said duties.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-07-03 20:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
har har married life sux
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-07-03 16:28:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
more
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-03 16:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CAMWHORE FOR ME RICO SUAVE AND ALL WILL BE FORGIVEN
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-07-03 14:50:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Strange. Just last week my job got me axed from my new ass.
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2006-07-03 13:53:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+1 for doing stupid things.
-2 for wife not letting _________________ insert thing that you want to do there
-2 for " pass a poopie"
+2 for ass bleeding
+1 because I actully like you (because you are stupid and got married SO FUCKING YOUNG)
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2006-07-03 13:12:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha you hemmroid have bastard. thats what you get for getting married.
long time no post bad for us.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-07-03 10:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BMW, had to be BMW.
Submitted by no_one (user info) at 2006-07-03 10:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nissan maybe?
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-07-03 10:12:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-07-03 09:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I may be reading this wrong, but did you just say that being married gave you hemorrhoids?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-07-03 08:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate hemmorrhoids. I have one right now that is being a real pain in the ass.
*rim shot*
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-07-03 08:27:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haemorrhoids are a sign that God hates you
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-07-03 08:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, you got yourself canned from the BMW plant, eh?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-07-03 05:54:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You really didn't want to work for those cocksuckers anyhow, did you?
You didn't!!!
*sob*
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-03 04:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah bit come on, would you really want to hire a 20 something guy who suffers haemeroids? I mean for fucks sake, how many more old person diseases are you going to get? Hey, perhaps when you get Parkinsons you'll be able to land a job in a paint factory.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-07-03 03:53:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's funny, my ass got me my new job
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-07-03 03:52:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thought I rated...
Hmmmm......... The gnomes are out to get me...
Submitted by Paul_Monroe (user info) at 2006-07-03 03:16:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I feel for ya sideburns, but its ony a plus because my little brother has a story like that for every day of his life, he has butt pirates that have caused many a problem.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-07-03 03:00:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-07-03 00:44:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-07-02 22:35:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
There's a reason your ratings don't work, son.
***
bam!
losing ranking privileges on a free site in the Intraweb world takes special people skills
--------------
Using that as the best insult you can come up with takes far more... erm... speciality?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-07-03 02:58:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-07-03 00:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-07-02 22:35:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
There's a reason your ratings don't work, son.
***
bam!
losing ranking privileges on a free site in the Intraweb world takes special people skills
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-07-02 23:55:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You didn't really want to work for those Nazis anyway.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-07-02 23:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, Jack. Yeah, they were welcome to take me back especially with my experience and their short-handedness.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-07-02 23:05:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for posting some thing to actually read instead of the utter shit of the last few days.
So, you actually got your old job back?
If so, that's a hell of a lucky break, man.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-07-02 22:59:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah well I wasn't looking for an argument, your posts are just fucking chalk and every chalk post you write I'm going to comment on its shittiness, I'm not looking for witty repartee
Submitted by Dolson (user info) at 2006-07-02 22:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I wonder what it takes to be a professor of fucking face?
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-07-02 22:56:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry buddy. I can't argue with you. I don't dislike you anymore. It's been too long.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-07-02 22:54:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah but your analogy doesn't really apply, because the guys who can make the calls at those events actually affect how the game is run, go ahead and -2 every single post of mine, you might lower my overall score by 1 or 2%, that's a pretty amazing power you're wielding there boy.
Submitted by Sockster (user info) at 2006-07-02 22:49:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh.
It was interesting...
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-07-02 22:35:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know why they don't let the audience make the calls during a sporting event? Because they're useless morons whose opinions don't count.
There's a reason your ratings don't work, son.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-07-02 22:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
another boring bullshit story