What It Is to Burn (678 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.66 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Weber (View user info) at 2006-06-30 12:32:17 EDT
Continued from: http://www.ubersite.com/m/89810
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Johnny couldn't help but notice every single eye in that room. He wasn't exactly the type of person you'd find in this sort of place but it was the nearest bar to what awaited him in a little less than an hour.
"Hells Lobby" he mused quietly to himself, "What a fitting name."
He made his way past the less-than-appealing bouncer, spotted a lonely table past the haze of smoke and sought the seclusion the corner granted.
The feeling hadn't really sat in until this point, he wasn't sure if he was anxious or afraid but knew it didn't really matter. Identifying the problem would do nothing to quell this cocktail of emotion. Regardless, he knew he needed some liquid courage to get him through the rest of the night, or at least the next few hours. You see, Johnny didn't plan much of anything after that; most people who go and meet the Devil find it hard to come back.
"You deaf boy?"
Johnny glanced up to find the broken shell of what he assumed was a woman of her late forties. He wasn't sure why, but one look at her screamed rape, the type of rape where one look was all he needed to know that this woman's existence was worse than the hell he was going to.
"Huh?" he managed between his thoughts.
"I said, what'll'ya have?"
"Shot of whiskey and whatever you got on tap."
The waitress gave him long glance then decided it wasn't worth it and made her way back to the bar. Johnny pulled out a cigarette and took a long drag while he let his attention drift with the smoke to different points in the bar. He couldn't think of a more fitting enviroment, surrounded by the unthinkable. As the waitress made her way back, he put out his cigarette and hearing the familiar "pfft", could only laugh to himself with the realization that he would finally be quitting, futile as it was at this point.
Johnny looked at his watch a few drinks later and began to feel a little more anxious. "Almost time," he muttered, slurring the words just a bit. He left a twenty and headed for the door. He was caught off guard with the fresh and cool night air, a light mist sticking to his face and clothes. He could smell fried food coming from somewhere down the street but decided against getting any as his minute hand crept up on the "2". He knew Darren would be leaving the strip club any second and he'd be waiting, what he didn't know, however, was what to expect.
He made his way up the street past the shady buildings and after-hours clubs that were getting ready to open up. He found a spot across the street from the neon lights and X-rated signs. He pulled out his last cigarette and found himself thinking about her and the way she would talk to him about the night. This night was perfect, just the way she would've wanted it. If she were here now.. . His thoughts were interrupted by a loud crack when the door to the club closed behind Darren. Immediately Johnny was filled with rage at the sight of that filth and started toward him as he stumbled down the sidewalk. Any thought or feeling he had up to this point was swallowed whole as the hate in his eyes burned through him. Johnny could no longer think, only act. He lost all control and could only watch as he brought his fists up and Darren turned. Within an instant Johnny was on top of him, driving his fury into the face of fear. His savage blows in rythmn with his pumping heart, he was putting every ounce of his being into every swing.
He no longer knew himself, he shed any trace of humanity and found himself staring down the devil himself.
A group of onlookers started yelling and several of them pulled out their cell phones. Johnny came back to himself in a rush and couldn't comprehend what was happening. He stared at what was left of Darren's face and the blood covering everything. He jumped to his feet and started sprinting. He hadn't planned this, he wasn't going to run but every single cell in his body was gripped in the hands of fear. From that moment on, Johnny would never doubt what a man is capable of. He did not fear death or jail, hell didn't concern him either, but he was terrified of the place in his mind where he just came from, and almost didn't leave.
He could hear the sirens as his heart pumped acid through his whole body. He came to stop in a small alley some distance from the flashing lights and started to lose focus on the world around him.
User Reviews
Submitted by Webered (user info) at 2006-07-11 17:01:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Rate this shit.
Submitted by Webered (user info) at 2006-07-07 21:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks dude. Exactly what I was hoping for.
Submitted by copsucker (user info) at 2006-07-07 19:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Both this and "A Candle's Flame" are full of good psychological substance. You gradually drag in clues that keep the reader anticipating the full picture.
The title "A Candle's Flame, Extinguished by Wildfire" is an EXCELLENT metaphor in and of itself, notwithstanding being very appropriate for this story.
Your desire, determination, and drive to express what it in your mind and heart are apparent. However, the style is rough and rote, almost cliched, lacking sophistication of expression, as though you're trying to capture every detail instead of painting with a broader brush.
Sorry this is brutal, but you wanted criticism.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-06-30 13:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This has a third person Max Payne feel to it. I like it alot.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-30 12:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
JEFF....
LORBER....
FUSION....