A Babe in The Jungle Conclusion: I Spy With My Godly Eye (1271 hits)
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Submitted by The Caes (View user info) at 2006-06-05 23:42:33 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/87396 -- Zee Plane, Zee Plane
http://www.ubersite.com/m/87547 -- Land of Loafers, Ugly Cows, and Coconuts
http://www.ubersite.com/m/87732 -- Caesar vs The Ocean
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88490 -- Let's Learn About Rum
Two days after our little tour through Puerto Plata, we boarded the plane and went home. Well, most of us did. Dylan and Jamie stayed to enjoy another week of tropical marital bliss. I think Jamie amused herself plenty, mostly by concentrating her efforts on getting enough sun to be drafted by the Taliban, but I have the feeling that without his beloved non-Spanish TV, his movies, and his friends, Dylan went quite insane.
Overall, the trip was tons o' fun. People ask if I would do it again, and I say, "But of course, you silly-talking person." Though to be honest, I'd rather go somewhere different and set myself up for a bunch of new experiences. I think most people agree with me on that one: a great time was had, but it would be nice to see what else the world has to offer. Except for my friend Fernando, who claims he'd go right back to the exact same place. But Fern is a Person Most Ridiculous, and his opinions should not be trusted.
I tease. Some of my fondest memories of the Dominican involve Fern. To be more specific for those of you who like to picture these horrific things, they involve Fern but NOT a night of drunken homoerotic passion. Though they may involve drunken Fern.
One of these nights of drunken Fern bereft of homoerotic passion came in the middle of our week. A few of us went out to party at the resort's disco bar (basically they call just about any type of non-domestic music or dancing 'disco' - but mostly they just played shitty hip hop at ear-bleeding volume). I didn't dig it, so I stayed went to bed. About three in the morning, Fern stumbles in and wakes me up.
"Hey Caesar. I got a few people coming over, is that okay?"
I mumbled something unintelligible, even to me.
"I picked up a couple of British birds," Fern grinned. Well, I assume he grinned. It sounded like he grinned. I've never heard him use British slang before, and it sounded incredibly odd.
So Fern was bringing British women into our room, eh? I thought that at the very least, this would be interesting. Unfortunately, Fern is a conscientious host, and we did not have enough booze in our room to accommodate guests. So he went out to get some.
See, each room comes stocked with a bottle of water, a bottle of coke/pepsi, and two beers. If you use any of these up, the maid replaces them while you're out. It's like a bottomless fridge tended to by invisible brown leprechauns. If you're on drugs. Otherwise, it's just the maid.
Anyway, Fern needed more booze so he could keep the party going! Otherwise, his guests would arrive, scoff at his poor hospitality, spit in his face and kick him in the junk. But what was he to do? Everything on the resort was closed. Then Fern hit on an idea. He decided to go to everyone's room that he knew and raid their fridge for libations (and invite them along, of course). So he left.
He knocked on a few doors. A few people woke up, a few people didn't. All who did, I think were quite put out. He let himself in to one girl's room - she had not locked the door because her roommate did not have a key. Fern tried to announce his presence but the girl didn't wake up. So he just rummaged through the fridge and went on his merry way. Unfortunately, the girl DID wake up, but not enough so she knew what was happening, except for the fact that someone just walked into her room and went through her fridge. So I think she was fairly terrified by the whole thing.
Imagine waking up in the dead of night and realizing that someone just broke into your room and stole your beer.
Anyway, our guests showed up. They included Michael, the bride's brother, two British girls, and Sandy, the roommate of the aforementioned terrified girl (no I don't know why Fern didn't ask her to get the beers. Oh yes, I do. Fern was drunk). Actually, the girls weren't strictly British. One of them (Judy) was Irish but lived in Manchester, and the other one (Chamaine) had an Irish mother, a Greek father, was born in Germany, and then eventually moved to Manchester.
Anyway. We all sat and chatted for a little while. Then Michael and Sandy left for bed, leaving Fern and I with two British ladies. And of course, an orgy ensued.
No, no, wait. That's not right. We continued to talk, that's what happened. Sorry, I got confused there. I always get 'talking' and 'orgy' confused. It's led to some pretty embarrassing situations, let me tell you. Like that Thanksgiving dinner where the whole family was over and my Aunt Gertrude decided we should all 'talk.' I had an uncle and three cousins stripped naked and covered with gravy before someone corrected my mistake.
So not long after that, Chamaine left to go to bed. This rather surprised me. Actually, it quite shocked me. Do you know any women who would hang out at a complete stranger's abode and then just casually decide they were done for the night, and leave their friend alone? I was stunned. I was even MORE stunned that the other girl stayed by herself.
And of course, THAT'S when the orgy ensued.
No, no, I got it wrong again! We just talked some more. I actually was very interested in speaking to this girl. I find British culture very interesting, and the English accent even more so. I was very content to chat with Judy and listen to her talk. This went on for some time, until she decided it was time to go to sleep.
Fern, being the gentleman he is, offered to walk her home. This is usually a perfectly acceptable and gracious offer for a gentleman to make - in fact, in this country, it's sometimes expected. But Judy didn't react like I thought she would.
She laughed as if he were making a joke.
Fern asserted that he was of course, serious.
"Whot? Reelly?" She said in her adorable accent. Once she realized he meant it, her reaction got even more bizarre.
"Fuck off, yer NOT wokin' me 'ome." She was laughing when she said it, but was very serious.
"Yes I am," Fern responded. Fern gets stubborn when it comes to matters of drunken chivalry.
And so a debate commenced. Fern couldn't fathom why this girl didn't want a walk home, and understandably so, since that's what he's used to. Judy in return, couldn't fathom why he was even offering in the first place. The debate began to get a bit heated.
"You try an' woke me 'ome, and I'll punch you straight in your face."
"Better listen to her, Fern." I was only smirking a little bit.
"Just let me walk you home."
"NO! Absolutely fucking not!"
"Why not?"
She seemed to struggle with the response for a second, and then said: "Well...because...it's fucking GAY."
I immediately fell over laughing.
"But your room is like, fifty feet away!" Fern protested.
"Right, well, that makes it even MORE gay, doesn't it?" She retorted.
It was right then that I decided that British women are awesome.
Anyway, the discussion continued for a little while with very little headway being made. My suggestion that we were at a cultural impasse went mostly ignored. I think Fern actually got a little insulted at the whole thing, but in the end, our Englishwoman walked home without an escort. It ended up okay. At one point, when Judy couldn't find one of her shoes, she jokingly accused us of stealing it so we could sniff it later. At which point I stealthily took it from under my pillow and tossed it on the floor when she wasn't looking. "Oh hey, there it is."
We ended up hanging out with those two girls off and on for the rest of the week, and they even spent some time with Jamie and Dylan in the week following. They were pretty cool, uh, "birds." And FEARLESS!! I am still a little stunned that they did not seem the least bit concerned that they were in any kind of danger. I mean, they weren't - we're both quite harmless -- but coming from a place where the general public seems to think there's a rapist dwelling in every hedge, it was a bit jarring.
Anyway, on the Sunday we got back on the plane and flew home. The ride home was a lot smoother, with practically no turbulence (booooo!). The takeoff and landing were still pretty fuckin' cool. Fern took some awesome shots from way high up.
So that's it. We got off the plane and through customs (even though I absentmindedly smuggled a Dominican banana and ham sandwich into the country. So if our ecosystem collapses due to introduction of foreign elements, that's probably my fault. But I did eat them immediately after we left the airport, so we'll probably be okay. Oh, except for the briefcase of exotic Dominican viruses I brought with me - I accidentally left that on a school bus).
In closing, I'd like to leave you with a few random thoughts and observations that wouldn't fit anywhere else. Thanks for reading.
· Dominicans seem naturally musical. They were frequently singing to themselves. It was quite pleasant. I quite enjoyed it when we'd walk into a room and there would be a keyboardist and a saxophonist playing live music over the speakers. In one of the restaurants there was a mariachi-like band. They were amazing.
· I was very happy to return to Canada. The first song that came on the radio in Myles' car was by the Arctic Monkeys, and though I'm not a huge fan, after a week of repetitive Latin dance crap, it sounded like the sweetest thing I had ever heard.
· The resort I stayed at, Bahia Principe, has its own theme song. IT IS BY FAR THE MOST ANNOYINGLY ADDICTIVE THING I HAVE EVER HEARD. I can't even say "Bahia Principe" without that song starting up in my brain.
· The Dominican is not one of those places where it is okay for me to go around saying things like, "Damn, nigga!!" No matter how flippant and playful my tone.
· The resort was mostly made up of Canadian and British people.\
· British people love mini-golf. When we played a round, five separate groups of Brits followed us.
· I love sexy British girls who play mini-golf in lacy pink bras.
· Dominican men seem to be more attractive than Dominican women, on average.
· Less resort staff speak usable English than I expected. I took a terribly useless Spanish 'class' while at the resort. I knew more Spanish than my teacher knew English.
· Looking at hot girls in bikinis can actually make you sad after a while.
· Looking at topless overweight elderly women makes you sad right away.
· Dominicans like to carve images of people doin' it on their knick-knacks. And not just one position. I came across a selection of pipes that had a kama-sutra selection of sex being performed on them. You'd think by looking at all nudity and coitus happening on gift shop items that you'd see rutting in the streets. But we didn't.
· Dominicans love baseball.
· There were fifteen different kinds of banana growing in the area we were in.
· Their staple foods are chicken, eggs, pasta, rice, and tropical fruits (bananas, coconuts, melons, pineapple, etc). The food at our free buffets was all right, but not spectacular.
· There was less drunken retardedness than I expected. I think I see more sloppy-drunk idiots in one night in a Canadian bar than I did the whole week I was in the Dominican...and curiously, I was surrounded by Canadians. Interesting. Only one person I know of puked in the ocean, and she was with us.
· If you walk anywhere on the resort, BRING SANDALS. I walked back to my room once barefoot, and I had to hop and skip most of the way there, because the ground was so hot it was SIZZLING my poor wee feets. "I'm not making THAT mistake again," I moaned once the cool tile of my room floor was beneath my tortured tootsies. I repeated that exact phrase the next five times I did it, too.
· Airports sell weird things at stupid prices. A box of Pringles was $5 US. A Twix bar was $1.75. A 1L bottle of Martini & Rossi vermouth was $9. And curiously, a 4.5L bottle of Johnnie Walker Red was $120. Yes, a four and a half litre bottle. That's what...a 149 ouncer? Over a gallon of booze? I don't think they should sell alcohol in amounts that could fatally poison a gorilla.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:58:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-13 16:59:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.sobolaward.com/
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-07-26 12:45:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-07-26 12:24:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's back!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90948
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-07-19 02:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll tell you what happened on my European adventures, then you can translate it into awesome for me.
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2006-06-15 23:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Liked this series.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-08 08:18:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nintendo Pro Wrestling
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-07 21:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-06-07 20:12:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 21:25:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
I think water pounding relentlessly on land until it becomes sand should be beach enough for any woman.
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Nope, still not a real beach unless the ocean touches it.
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YOU'RE a real beach.
ZING!!
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-06-07 20:12:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 21:25:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-06-06 20:23:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and I don't consider the shores of lakes to be real beaches.
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Not even a GREAT one?? Lake, I mean. What about bays?
I think water pounding relentlessly on land until it becomes sand should be beach enough for any woman.
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Nope, still not a real beach unless the ocean touches it.
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-06-06 22:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're that crazy guy from Braveheart who said Ireland was his island, aren't you. Admit it.
FREEEEEDOOOMMMMM!!
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I AM WILLIAM WALLACE!!!!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 21:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-06-06 21:15:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 06:55:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
What country is it that you own, anyway?
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Ireland, sorry, thought that was obvious :)
I'm renting the Philippines for awhile tho, thats quite cool also :D
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You're that crazy guy from Braveheart who said Ireland was his island, aren't you. Admit it.
FREEEEEDOOOMMMMM!!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 21:25:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-06-06 20:23:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and I don't consider the shores of lakes to be real beaches.
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Not even a GREAT one?? Lake, I mean. What about bays?
I think water pounding relentlessly on land until it becomes sand should be beach enough for any woman.
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-06-06 21:15:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 06:55:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:38:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
imperialism is right, 800 years!! 800 years they were in my country, and it is mine by the way..
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What country is it that you own, anyway?
----------------
Ireland, sorry, thought that was obvious :)
I'm renting the Philippines for awhile tho, thats quite cool also :D
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-06-06 20:23:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and I don't consider the shores of lakes to be real beaches.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-06-06 20:09:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Believe me, it's not going to be fun. A bunch of people from work are going to be there and I hate most of my coworkers.
I'm mostly just pissed off because I wanted to go samba dancing instead and the party's way out in Riverside. It's hot, smelly, and dirty out there.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 19:51:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've seen a real beach, you fairy! I grew up near a lake! I had even seen the ocean. Just never been in it.
Enjoy your party. It will be more fun if you don't hate it before you get there. :)
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-06-06 19:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still find it funny that you'd never seen a real beach or been in the ocean until now. Oh how I wish I was there(or anywhere else for that matter) now but noooooo, I've got to dress up like a stupid fairy and go to a costume party that I don't want to go to.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 18:03:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:15:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
No pasty Canadian camwhore?
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Ha, sorry, not this time.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:09:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love sexy British girls who play mini-golf in lacy pink bras.
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+2 for that sentiment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-06-06 15:15:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No pasty Canadian camwhore?
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-06-06 10:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2006-06-06 09:09:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice post and pics. British men aren't renowned for their manners (apart from in period dramas) and most women are quite used to making their own way home, especially if they stayed in the same resort, they wouldn't feel uneasy about being alone. I think. As a Brit.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-06-06 08:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"But your room is like, fifty feet away!" Fern protested.
"Right, well, that makes it even MORE gay, doesn't it?" She retorted.
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hahahahahahahaha
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 06:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:38:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
imperialism is right, 800 years!! 800 years they were in my country, and it is mine by the way..
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What country is it that you own, anyway?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-06 04:45:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Marvelous
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-06-06 03:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-06-06 01:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's scary when you can look thru a camera lens that's looking thru a little window that's looking at something 6 miles away and still be able to see how man has fucked everything up.
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:38:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:27:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:19:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
ok you were gona get a 2 but the fact that you said the girl judy was british then corrected yourself and said actually she was from Ireland, then poceeded to refer to her as being british really pissed me off, Irish people are not british, they are Irish! unless shes from northern Ireland, then shes kinda british, but really northern Irish.
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Those girls kept referring to themselves as British. I was under the impression that Britain includes England, Northern Ireland and Scotland, and that England specifically refers to the part of Britain that is not Ireland OR Scotland. I am reasonably certain of this because a British -- sorry, ENGLISH -- person told me. But they're Imperialists and think they should own the world.
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you forgot wales, no biggie :) they were prob from northern Ireland so
imperialism is right, 800 years!! 800 years they were in my country, and it is mine by the way..
ok plus two cos it was funny once i got over the indignation that those references caused me
800 YEARS!!!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:27:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:19:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
ok you were gona get a 2 but the fact that you said the girl judy was british then corrected yourself and said actually she was from Ireland, then poceeded to refer to her as being british really pissed me off, Irish people are not british, they are Irish! unless shes from northern Ireland, then shes kinda british, but really northern Irish.
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Those girls kept referring to themselves as British. I was under the impression that Britain includes England, Northern Ireland and Scotland, and that England specifically refers to the part of Britain that is not Ireland OR Scotland. I am reasonably certain of this because a British -- sorry, ENGLISH -- person told me. But they're Imperialists and think they should own the world.
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:19:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ok you were gona get a 2 but the fact that you said the girl judy was british then corrected yourself and said actually she was from Ireland, then poceeded to refer to her as being british really pissed me off, Irish people are not british, they are Irish! unless shes from northern Ireland, then shes kinda british, but really northern Irish. now stop, expand your world some more, visit the philippines, its feckin amazing!!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:11:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:07:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
"To be more specific for those of you who like to picture these horrific things, they involve Fern but NOT a night of drunken homoerotic passion."
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And 'twas you I was thinking of, too. But it looks like you had your fill of homoerotic tomfoolery in your UFC adventure. And trust me, no one wants to see my pasty, jiggly body flounder around the ground with another man. Or woman. Or moderately attractive ape.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"To be more specific for those of you who like to picture these horrific things, they involve Fern but NOT a night of drunken homoerotic passion."
Bastard.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-06-06 00:07:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Purdy.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-06-05 23:56:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
or not
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-06-05 23:53:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
needs more goats on roofs.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-05 23:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life.
-- Homer Simpson
Burns, Baby Burns