Exit Only: The Trials and Tribulations of my Butt (1818 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.46 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bill (View user info) at 2006-05-12 09:51:56 EDT
Before reading on, please understand that I'm going to speak very frankly about my bunghole and the various things that have been coming out of it recently. If reading about intestinal yoga and its effect on the environment shocks you, offends you, or might make you change your opinion of me, then please stop reading now.
Now that we have that out of the way, let me begin my saying that my poor donut is ON FIRE. I think my butt must have gone out and eaten some 5-alarm chili last night or something. Either that or somebody has been sanding down my sphincter in preparation for a new coat of paint. Regardless, it hurts.
I have been smuggling some really bad shit into the various available toilets in and around the Denver metro area for about two weeks now. I have to visit a different bathroom each time because people are calling the police on me. Nobody uses the bathroom here on the sixth floor at Oracle anymore because of my tireless efforts at casting out my intestinal demons.
You're probably wondering why I'm having such terrible plumbing problems, along with questions relating to why the hell I'm even talking about this at all. An even more disturbing question you should ask yourself is, "Why am I still reading this?" If you're along for the ride, let's keep moving on.
I'm thinking that my problems relate to stress. Yep, simple stress. Plus drinking. But mostly stress. The drinking doesn't help, though. Plus diet. But mostly drinking. My diet's not too good, but it's probably stress. More likely to be diet than anything else though. No matter what it is, it makes my stomach sound like a continuous earthquake... the kind of stomach rumbles that people around you feel and mistake for their own. Yes, it's that bad. When your tummy is that rumbly, only bad things can come of it. My case is no exception.
I know we've all gone to the public toilet for a normal session, taking the time to wipe down the seat and completely cover it so your flesh does not interact with the certainly disease-ridden throne. You calmly sit and probably pull out your cell phone or PocketPC to play a game or surf the net. Suddenly, you hear the bathroom door fly open followed by a frantic stomping that ends in the stall next yours. The stall door snaps shut as your neighbor fumbles with the lock, but gives up after about 1/2 second. You hear a belt/button/zipper sound occuring at the same time only microseconds before a pair of pants drops to the floor and an ass slaps the toilet seat. That's when you hear it... not just one sound, but an orchestra of rectal music. Combine the loudest fart you've ever heard with the sound of large rocks splashing into water. That merges into what a high-pressure water hose sounds like when it's spraying into a bucket. The coupe de grace is the orgasmic groan of a person so utterly relieved to be where they are that you almost get caught up in the moment. Almost, because you're probably wanting to vomit at this point. Not from what you've heard, but what you now smell. If the noises were the flash of a nuclear weapon, the stench is the blast front. The smell is a conglomeration of everything terrible that ever wafted across your nose. A smell so putrid and evil that you cannot remember what it was like to be happy. If you were using the bathroom on the sixth floor of building three of the Oracle campus in Denver, these things are what you might have experienced in the last two weeks.
I was the guy in the next stall.
User Reviews
Submitted by shrike2000 (user info) at 2006-05-12 18:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the tip, Brdn_Nkd, I have submitted it there as well.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-05-12 14:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i figure this is a good post to reveal to the world that i tuck my t-shirts into my asshole.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-05-12 13:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
submit to poopreport.com
Submitted by the_thorne (user info) at 2006-05-12 13:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
from the bowels of hell...I expelled you!
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-05-12 12:26:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A smell so putrid and evil that you cannot remember what it was like to be happy.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-05-12 12:03:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shrike? Do you play Tribes per chance?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-12 11:45:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-05-12 10:27:59 (#)
Ranking: 1
An even more disturbing question you should ask yourself is, "Why am I still reading this?"
==================
I kept asking myself this question...
yet I was compelled to keep reading!!
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Given your name, how couldn't you?
Submitted by nerdyjock (user info) at 2006-05-12 11:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Descriptive!
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-05-12 10:49:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
shit posts are cool
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-05-12 10:27:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
An even more disturbing question you should ask yourself is, "Why am I still reading this?"
==================
I kept asking myself this question...
yet I was compelled to keep reading!!
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-05-12 10:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What is with all the arse/shitting posts lately?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-12 09:59:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fiber.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-05-12 09:57:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
haha poop
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-05-12 09:57:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very descriptive. I laughed. You asshole.