Zombie Cats Kept Me Awake (462 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nerdyjock (View user info) at 2006-05-10 11:36:16 EDT
I was in bed talking to my boyfriend on the phone last night. As I talked, a strange sound reached my ears. "Mmmmrrrrrrrrrreeeeoooooooooeeeeeeeooooooowwwwwwww!"
I told my boyfriend to shut up so I could listen.
"Mmmmrrrrrrrrrreeeeoooooooooeeeeeeeooooooowwwwwwww!" Again. There were two - no, wait - three of them outside my house, wailing. I tried to think of what ungodly creature could be making that sound. It was something like a cat getting fucked. I could have accepted that excuse if there were only one or two, but there were three, and I knew one simple fact: cats don't gang- bang.
Then, the only possible explanation dawned on me.
I picked up the phone, "Nick, there are zombie cats outside my house."
"What?" He sounded sleepy.
"I swear to God, there are zombie cats outside my house. I have to go," I said with an attempted heroic tone.
"Whatever. I'm going to sleep. Goodnight." Hanging up the phone, I swung out of bed and descended the ladder to the floor (I sleep in what's technically the attic). I already had in mind my plan. I grabbed my Bowie knife and pulled on some jeans and sneakers. If I was going to be fighting zombie cats, I didn't want to be doing it in my nightie.
Finally, I grabbed my tape recorder. I knew Nick would turn me in to a looney bin if I didn't get proof of the undead felines.
Knife in one hand, tape recorder in the other, I headed towards the living room. I saw that I had accidentally left the light on and that my cat, Sooty, was there. Staring at me. For all her life, Sooty has been an attention whore. Walk into a room, and she demands that you pet her. But tonight was different. She lay crouched, her paws and tail hidden as her steely yellow eyes sat fixed on me.
I stood, unmoving. Had Sooty joined the undead? Slowly, I put down my tape recorder and approached her, my knife at the ready, should she strike. My outstretched left hand came closer and closer to her face. Her eyes never moved from mine. Meanwhile, my mind was racing. How would I explain to my mom why I had stabbed the family cat?
Then, finally, my hand less than an inch from her face, she stood up to be pet. I let out a breath, relieved to see no gaping hole in her flesh or any other sign of zombie-ism.
Now sure she was still a member of the living, I told her the situation.
"As you may or may not know, Sooty, there are zombie cats outside the house. Since I can't match your hearing, I'll need your help." As if she understood me, she solemnly walked to the front door, staring as if she could see through it.
I followed her and put my ear to the door, listening for the now silent zombies.
Preparing for the oncoming attack, I opened the door. Nothing. The zombie cats had gone, probably off to my neighbors. Hopefully, I thought afterwards, to eat that fucking dog that's always barking
Shutting the door, I decided there was nothing left to do but go to bed.
"Sooty," I gave her my last command of the night, "hold down the fort. Good luck, Cat." With that, I went to bed.
And, just in case the zombie cats returned, I placed my tape recorder and bowie knife on my nightstand and slept that night with my other knife folded in my hand. They never did return.
User Reviews
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-05-10 22:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i bet your pussy stinks
get it?
cat=pussy
ahhh forget it.
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-05-10 21:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
awesome
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-05-10 21:45:02 (#)
Ranking: -2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by nerdyjock (user info) at 2006-05-10 21:11:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Inion, I know I'm not nath, thank you. I wasn't trying to be nath, however, this was a true event, and my mind may have been warped by the writings of nath. Please don't assume I'm trying to copy him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2006-05-10 18:33:09 (#)
Ranking: -1
Gadzooks, I already HAD a headache before I came here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:46:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-05-10 11:54:14 (#)
Ranking: -2
cats blow
=====================
knods in agreement....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-05-10 14:52:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
WHOO HOO MOTHER FUCKERS! I JUST GOT A RAISE!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2006-05-10 14:09:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
Cats suck
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-05-10 13:20:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
nice kitty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by StanleyBostitch (user info) at 2006-05-10 12:34:19 (#)
Ranking: -1
would have been better with the slaughter of the cats.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 12:04:19 (#)
Ranking: -2
Shitty Posts Keep Me Away
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-05-10 12:03:04 (#)
Ranking: -2
I hate cats. I hate no spaces. I hate boring stories :( sorry m8 :(
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-05-10 11:57:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
Zombie cats saved it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-10 11:57:04 (#)
Ranking: -2
you are not nath!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-05-10 11:54:14 (#)
Ranking: -2
cats blow
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-05-10 11:53:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
I just laughed at the nightie line
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-10 11:41:49 (#)
Ranking: -2
Not very good.
Even spacing your paragraphs wouldn't have saved this.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smithers:
Next. There's a problem with the reactor -- what do you do?
Homer: There's a problem with the reactor?? We're all going to die!!
I Married Marge
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-05-10 21:45:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by nerdyjock (user info) at 2006-05-10 21:11:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Inion, I know I'm not nath, thank you. I wasn't trying to be nath, however, this was a true event, and my mind may have been warped by the writings of nath. Please don't assume I'm trying to copy him.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2006-05-10 18:33:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Gadzooks, I already HAD a headache before I came here.
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:46:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-05-10 11:54:14 (#)
Ranking: -2
cats blow
=====================
knods in agreement....
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-05-10 14:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHOO HOO MOTHER FUCKERS! I JUST GOT A RAISE!
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2006-05-10 14:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Cats suck
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-05-10 13:20:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice kitty
Submitted by StanleyBostitch (user info) at 2006-05-10 12:34:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
would have been better with the slaughter of the cats.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 12:04:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shitty Posts Keep Me Away
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-05-10 12:03:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I hate cats. I hate no spaces. I hate boring stories :( sorry m8 :(
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-05-10 11:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Zombie cats saved it.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-10 11:57:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you are not nath!!!
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-05-10 11:54:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
cats blow
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-05-10 11:53:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just laughed at the nightie line
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-10 11:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Not very good.
Even spacing your paragraphs wouldn't have saved this.