This Movie Is Uber Shit (923 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.17 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GoldPlatedOrange <jimmyd274.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-04-27 11:34:11 EDT
What started as a simple get together with a couple of friends on a cool summer/spring night, ended up to be a life-scaring experience too horrible to behold! Which is why I must share it with you. So what happened? I hear you ask. Did we get arrested? Were we mugged? Did we just find out that our Uncle Bob (twice removed) killed our cat? No. It's kinda like that....only worse. You guessed it, we saw M. Night Shyamlan's "The Village" (OK so I'm a little late on seeing some movies but I've been busy...). This is how the movie was presented to me.
So this little kid dies of natural causes (big deal, I'm scared already) supposedly in like the year 1800. This quiet (brave or insane) guy, Lucius Hunt gets a brilliant idea, "Gee, I'm gonna go to the towns (oooh, mysterious name) and get medicine so no one else croaks!" The Council of Old Egomaniacs says that there are these things in the woods that are dangerous. Named appropriately, "those whom we do not speak of". Then these kids find this dog that was skinned. Getting better. Then they skip to this scene with this psycho-chick who is in love with Lucius guy, telling her dad that she loves him and that she wants to marry him and wants his blessing. You figure that this poor dude is clueless and probably is like "WTF?" So there he is minding his own business when she comes into the room saying "Ohhh I love you, and love is such a gift and we should shout it from the highest hill saying thank you! Thank you!" He just stares at her and later we see that she is bawling in her room making it obvious that she belongs in the happy hotel.
Now there is this creepy blind-chick who is the sister of the psycho-chick. Wow! It's a small world after all! So this blind-chick can apparently run across fields with rocks and trees without running into one. So then she flirts with Lucius, meanwhile, this mentally disabled guy named Noah, who giggles uncontrollably at inappropriate times. The best dude! Anyway, so he gives her these red berries. They both freak out because it is the "bad colour". Does that make Elmo evil? Anyhoo, so psycho-chick gets over Lucius in like two seconds and gets married to a psycho-dude who is obsessed with making sure his shirt won't get wrinkled...... a match made in heaven. So they come home to all of these animals dead and skinned. The explanation from the council is a mad coyote. Are you kidding me?
Then the creatures attack the village and there is chaos. They leave these blood smears on the door. Then the funny crazy dude, Noah, stabs Lucius. It occurred to me later that they were rivalling for the blind-chick's affections.
So now the blind-chick decides that she wants to go through the woods, to the towns and get medicine to save Lucius. They tell her that the monsters are just them dressed in costumes to scare their children into staying in the village. So they let her travel through the woods to find medicine. At this point in the movie, my friend blurts out "EXCUSE ME?" I mean come on; you let a blind girl wander through the WOODS?!
So she and two dudes are wondering through the woods, soon enough the guys ditch her because they are wusses. Suddenly ........she falls into a hole. This was basically the only scary part because you didn't see that coming! Wow what a twist in the twist less plot. That Shyamlan! Always shocking you and serving up the surprises! I'd rather not have seconds. So she gets out of the hole and finds herself face to face with one of the creature thingies. She dodges it and the fucked up porcupine falls into the hole. It turns out that it was Noah, the giggling guy, who got his hand on one of the costumes. He is dead because he fell on the costume which has spikes in the back. How come the best dude in the entire movie, being the only entertaining thing is the whole two hour period, DIES?! What's wrong with the world?
The blind-chick's walking stick is broken in half. Now, normally, she would be toast, but since she is the heroine on heroin, she obviously is gonna cheat the death that we hope awaits her. Now she is running and tripping over thousands of sticks and branches. (Pick one up you stupid waste of flesh!) Finally, she climbs over a walls and lands on the other side where the rest of us on this little place we like to call Earth is living in 2004 (Remember its 2 years old...). All of the sudden a guy in a park ranger uniform in a truck pulls up. Hold the phone! Are you trying to tell me that these people are a bunch of hippies living in a wildlife preserve?! You have got to be kidding me... So she explains to this stupid ranger what they need and he goes back to his office where his boss is and attempts to discreetly steal some medicine from the many first aid kits in the office. He doesn't do a very good job, yet the boss doesn't ask questions. He gives her the medicine and helps her get back over the wall and stands there, scratching his head, trying to take this into his feeble and incompetent mind. Meanwhile in the Village, they reveal how the village got started. The Council members all were part of this support group thing to get over their sad, depressing, lives so they ran away and started new lives in this national park. Psychopaths in the woods is even worse than hippies! So she gets back and they get the medicine, realize that Noah is dead. They say "He saved our village". My friend pipes up "Yes, with his retarded ness!" The movie ends. Dude! I thought this was a horror movie? Isn't there some sort of rule that everyone dies in the end?!
Correct me if I'm wrong but this has got to be one of the shittest, most enthralling 'horror' movies I've ever seen. The cast and crew should be raped, mugged or shot depending on their involvement in bringing this terrible movie to our plant.
User Reviews
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-28 09:07:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-04-28 08:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This really really REALLY pissed me of. TEXT ARGHHHHHHH!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-27 23:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't read it because of the way it is formatted.
Try formatting is better so that it doesn't look like you puked some
letters onto the screen and try again.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-27 20:43:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-04-27 19:57:33 (#)
Ranking: -1
Miss... If you post like this again, I will have Cyst rape you. And god help anyone whose been touched by THAT diesesed peener. <shudder>
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I'm available for birthday parties too!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-27 20:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Is that ONE sentence?
Can we meet up sometime? I have this urge to stick a hatchet in your skull.
Submitted by tarnation (user info) at 2006-04-27 20:05:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-04-27 13:23:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-04-27 13:09:28 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-04-27 11:55:56 (#)
Ranking: -2
Enter key meet goldplatedoranges, goldplatedoranges meet enter key.
Enter Key: Hey goldplatedoranges, how are you?
GPO: Hey enter key, you must be new here. Never saw you before.
EK: Oh no, I've been here since all of my other friends were invented.
GPO: Oh, really?
EK: Yes, i'm right next to the "quote" and 'apostrophe' key, above the SHIFT key and below the \backlash\ and this unnamed ||key, and on my top corner lives the }]close content}] key.
GPO: Silly me, I see you after all.
_________________
Best. Review. Ever.
_____________________
EVER!!!
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-04-27 20:00:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It's like there's a party in my eyes and everyone is having their balls tattoo'd.
Never do this again
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-04-27 19:57:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Miss... If you post like this again, I will have Cyst rape you. And god help anyone whose been touched by THAT diesesed peener. <shudder>
Submitted by eppliks (user info) at 2006-04-27 19:47:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-04-27 16:39:53 (#)
Ranking: -2
...obviously, you're not a golfer....
__________
Ah, shut the fuck up, Donnie.
Submitted by eppliks (user info) at 2006-04-27 19:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck you.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-04-27 16:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
...obviously, you're not a golfer....
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-04-27 16:36:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh dear god...So much. Put this in a readable order and I might read it.
Have a 0 because I didn't read it.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-04-27 16:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Large Ugly
Block of Text
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-04-27 15:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-04-27 15:15:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is pretty bad, but I personally want to see ubersite fall off the face of the internet so I'll +2 in the hopes that you come back at least ten times daily to post equally as pertinent material.
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Submitted by southernmiss (user info) at 2006-04-27 15:22:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Holly F**KING Paragraphs batman
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-27 13:45:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
yes sir.
the checks in the mail.
Submitted by GoldPlatedOrange (user info) at 2006-04-27 13:43:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll let myself out...
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-04-27 13:23:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-04-27 13:09:28 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-04-27 11:55:56 (#)
Ranking: -2
Enter key meet goldplatedoranges, goldplatedoranges meet enter key.
Enter Key: Hey goldplatedoranges, how are you?
GPO: Hey enter key, you must be new here. Never saw you before.
EK: Oh no, I've been here since all of my other friends were invented.
GPO: Oh, really?
EK: Yes, i'm right next to the "quote" and 'apostrophe' key, above the SHIFT key and below the \backlash\ and this unnamed ||key, and on my top corner lives the }]close content}] key.
GPO: Silly me, I see you after all.
_________________
Best. Review. Ever.
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-04-27 13:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is not your first post, not the first time you have read a proper formatted post. Why would you do this? There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity.
You sir, are stupid.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-27 13:14:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
god damnit.
needs less cut and paste huge block of text.
repost before i kill you.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-04-27 13:09:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-04-27 11:55:56 (#)
Ranking: -2
Enter key meet goldplatedoranges, goldplatedoranges meet enter key.
Enter Key: Hey goldplatedoranges, how are you?
GPO: Hey enter key, you must be new here. Never saw you before.
EK: Oh no, I've been here since all of my other friends were invented.
GPO: Oh, really?
EK: Yes, i'm right next to the "quote" and 'apostrophe' key, above the SHIFT key and below the \backlash\ and this unnamed ||key, and on my top corner lives the }]close content}] key.
GPO: Silly me, I see you after all.
_________________
Best. Review. Ever.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-04-27 11:55:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Enter key meet goldplatedoranges, goldplatedoranges meet enter key.
Enter Key: Hey goldplatedoranges, how are you?
GPO: Hey enter key, you must be new here. Never saw you before.
EK: Oh no, I've been here since all of my other friends were invented.
GPO: Oh, really?
EK: Yes, i'm right next to the "quote" and 'apostrophe' key, above the SHIFT key and below the \backlash\ and this unnamed ||key, and on my top corner lives the }]close content}] key.
GPO: Silly me, I see you after all.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-04-27 11:46:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2006-04-27 11:43:06 (#)
Ranking: -2
one...huge...mass...of text...
~~~~
my eyes MY EYES
I couldn't read it but I'll try if you re-write it.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-04-27 11:46:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I concur with some of the other replies.
The movie was horrible, but your post is worse.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-04-27 11:46:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ARGHGHGHGHGHG!!!!!! text.
wow paragraphs
Submitted by fuzzy_buzz (user info) at 2006-04-27 11:43:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It wasn't meant to be a horror movie you idiot. Your detailed analysis and retarded comments contradict your overall message as well.
If you hate the move that much, turn it off. Don't bother psychoanalyzing it.
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2006-04-27 11:43:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
one...huge...mass...of text...
I can't be fucked to read it, my eyes feel dirty just looking at the shit awful structure
sorry to be a cunt but i'm a cunt
Now feck off you uninteresting shit biscuit
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-27 11:42:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Go and watch Scanners instead
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-04-27 11:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"The Village" was terrible. But not as terrible as this piece of shit. Speaking of bowel movements, you might consider chopping this fiber-logged brown baby into smaller installments, typically called paragraphs.
Submitted by GoldPlatedOrange (user info) at 2006-04-27 11:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmmm made an ass of myself. Forgot to write at the top that my friend told me it was the most enthralling horror movie he had ever saw.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-04-27 11:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I didn't actually read this properly the first time, but then I noticed this gem,
'shittest, most enthralling 'horror' movies'
You don't know what 'enthralling' means, do you?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-27 11:38:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I like that movie.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-04-27 11:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
That movie is what, 2 years old? About the same age as your writing ability.