We're All Gonna Die (809 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.22 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GoldPlatedOrange <jimmyd274.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-04-25 16:37:21 EDT
According to most reputable news sources (you know... those with websites ending in .com rather than .org), the threat of sharks, terrorists, SARS and David Gest has been replaced by the white haired menace that is elderly drivers. Not content with watching 'Midsomer Murders' or 'Tagart' and crapping their pants, old people have taken to mowing down innocent bystanders after allegedly confusing their accelerator for their brakes. Did Ford and/or Volvo start switching shit around and not tell anybody or something? Because my brothers 2005 Renault is set up just like my dads 1977 Volkswagen was: Accelerator on the right - brake on the left. I'm also going to go out on a limb and figure pretty much every automobile ever produced in the World has the same exact layout.
Anyway, the phenomena is not limited to farmer's markets, either. Old people are plowing into all kinds of shit: Hairdressers, bars, schools, lakes, other out of control old people. If the people responsible were fifty years younger and there was some sort of endorsement from Red Bull or Mountain Dew, I'd swear that this was some sort of retarded new extreme sport. So what, if anything, can be done? Seniors are ignoring our repeated requests for them to hand over their keys. Well, either that or they can't hear us. The government has so far refused to require re-testing elderly drivers. Probably because they're afraid of them driving straight through the DVLA/DMV. So what do we do? Live our lives in fear... rolling from place to place in giant, steel hamster balls? Actually, that sounds kinda fun...
Any other time the government's dropped the ball, it was the smarmy entrepreneur who picked it up and ran with it. Smarmy entrepreneurs like me and my new business venture, Give Me Your Fucking Money, Pussy, Industries. Here are some ideas of new products I've thought up. They're all patent pending, so back up off my shit.
The first one is what I call the spike. What I thought of is to take a regular car accelerator and outfit it with a number of large spikes. Put one of these in your favourite old shits car and every time they try to accelerate, they'll get a little surprise. What's great about this idea is, the faster you try to go, the more the giant spikes will penetrate your foot. Try accidentally putting the pedal to the floor now you blue haired freak. Also available in "rusty".
The next one is pretty sweet. By moving the accelerator further away from the brake... to the outside of the car... onto the side view mirror, it'll make it that much harder for someone to hit by mistake since you'll have to stick your right arm (left for the rest of the world cause us dumb shits in the UK HAVE to be different...) out of the window in order to operate it. Also, as an added bonus, since the act of working your accelerator will be so physically draining, it'll keep more old people indoors, patiently awaiting death's sweet embrace.
This is a good one. This "car" is actually a bunch of cardboard boxes made up to look like a car. Old people are stupid because they're old and they'll never know the difference. If they start to catch on, just hide their heart medicine. It's really gonna be hard to go to the market when you're dead.
I call the last one "the cage." Instead of cars, we just lock old people in giant, suspended cages and wait for them to die.
User Reviews
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-27 04:39:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hmmm
Submitted by GoldPlatedOrange (user info) at 2006-04-26 17:14:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How about haha, up yours and your a fucking fag, CEOMBC is my Smoosh account fuck face. Check out how my other stuff is on Smoosh too idiot. Get your facts right before you go making an ass of yourself.
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2006-04-26 07:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Also plagiarized (http://www.smosh.com/kbase/articleview.php?recid=28)
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2006-04-26 07:24:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent, another hater of the elderly! I can't stand them wrinkly bastards. They shouldn't all be put in the "cage"
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-04-26 07:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I live in Florida. They invented the geezer derby here. I look at numerous cars that crashed due to a "stuck open throttle" or "I was pressing on the brakes as hard as I could but it kept accelerating". Listen, pops. The engine in your four-door econobox ain't manly enough to overpower the brakes if you have fully engaged them. Think 0-60 in 900 feet, 60-0 in 150 feet, El Pelo de Azul.
Many cars have data recorders that I can read (http://www.vetronix.com/diagnostics/cdr/index.html), and some have information on throttle position, vehicle speed, engine speed, and brake switch position for five or more seconds prior to a crash. Doesn't take long to discount a lot of those "wouldn't stop when I mashed the brakes" claims.
I'm for motorcycle-style controls in cars, like the have for paraplegics. You don't hear of a biker accidently hitting the gas when he meant to apply the brakes too very often.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-04-26 03:19:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wasn't impressed until the line about old people awaiting death's embrace.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2006-04-25 19:48:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by GoldPlatedOrange (user info) at 2006-04-25 17:31:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Myself cause I hardly get any reviews *cries*
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-04-25 16:56:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel sorry for old people. I often wonder if the old people who crash into people/things like that just say "fuck it, if I'm going to die soon anyway, I may as well take some of you bastards out with me!"
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-04-25 16:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-04-25 16:44:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The first one is what I call the spike. What I thought of is to take a regular car accelerator and outfit it with a number of large spikes. Put one of these in your favourite old shits car and every time they try to accelerate, they'll get a little surprise. What's great about this idea is, the faster you try to go, the more the giant spikes will penetrate your foot. Try accidentally putting the pedal to the floor now you blue haired freak. Also available in "rusty".
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I hate old people almost as much as I hate babies (they're pretty much the same thing,) and applaud your willingness to capitalize on their injury and misfortune.