Heaven Scares Me (404 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.75 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nerdyjock (View user info) at 2006-04-24 11:23:29 EDT
Heaven Scares Me
I was in my psych class when my teacher started talking about fears and phobias. Well, I'm not afraid of anything. I just don't see any point in it.
Anyways, my teacher wanted everyone to pick their biggest fear to share with the class. There were the usual responses: Bugs, Flying, Dogs... idiots.
My turn: "I'm not afraid of anything."
Apparently, my teacher can't comprehend such a possibility. "Everyone's afraid of something."
"Not me."
Then he starts suggesting stuff I should be afraid of.
"Heights?"
"I love climbing."
"Reptiles?"
"I've had pet snakes for as long as I can remember."
"Spiders?"
"There's a big spider web two feet above my bed that's been there for a month because I'm just too lazy to do anything about it."
"What about death?"
By now, my classmates have come to think that I'm hiding some huge secret.
"Death?" I respond, "What's the point in being afraid of death? There's nothing I can do about it anyways." Then I start thinking - "Well... Heaven kinda scares me."
He gave me this stupid stare. Like the stare you give when you're not quite sure if the person you're talking to is being serious.
Then the dumb bitch in my class (is there anywhere she isn't?) bursts out: "Did you just say you're afraid of Heaven?"
No, bitch, I said I was afraid of a possible stupidity infection from retards like you.
"I just think the whole idea of Heaven is pretty scary."
Then my teacher went onto the next student without letting me properly explain myself.
Whether you care or not, I was raised Lutheran. There's a Heaven if you believe in Jesus, a Hell if you don't, and there's no such thing as limbo or purgatory or whatever you want to call it. As everyone knows, Hell is the land of fire and eternal suffering and warm soda with the ice melted so it tastes all watery and gross.
As far as I've been told, Heaven doesn't have the same Fire theme. Instead, you spend eternity praising God. There's two things I find wrong with that concept of perfection. The first is "eternity." Do you realize how long that is? This is not the waiting in line for three hours to see Revenge of the Sith, this is not the 101 freeway during rush hour. This is forever people, neverending (longer than the Story), there is never ever going to be an end!
Now, if you can imagine this eternity like I do, try and picture spending all your infinite amount of centuries doing what? Singing praises to God. I don't know about your idea of fun, but this is certainly not mine.
"But wait," says the Bible, "it's okay because you're going to be happy. In fact, you'll love praising God forever and ever and ever."
Does this mean I'm gonna be brainwashed?
I don't want to be brainwashed. I can just picture myself like one of those preppy girls.
"Let's all Praise God!" I giggle as my perfect golden hair bounces with my happy squeaks. "I'm so glad that I'm here to praise God for all eternity!"
Then everyone else joins in, "Yes, let's all praise Jesus. Who wants to sing 'Awesome God?'"
"I do!"
And the eternal church service continues.
So next time you shy away from that creepy- looking spider, think: Which is really scarier: eight legs or Heaven?
User Reviews
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-04-24 14:53:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This isn't as bad as the rating would indicate. It's just a bit juvenile.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-24 14:49:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Yeah, +0 No Comment, how d'you like that? Aw yeah...wait...damn....
...balls.
Submitted by EntityErased (user info) at 2006-04-24 12:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-24 12:27:35 (#)
Ranking: 1
Ubersite Scares Me
I was in my psych class when my teacher started talking about fears and phobias. Well, I'm not afraid of anything. Because I'm a bad ass mother fucker. Just like Samuel Jackson. Only white. I just don't see any point being scared. It seems analogous to reveiwing shitty posts.
Anyways, my teacher wanted everyone to pick their biggest fear to share with the class. There were the usual responses: Bugs, Flying, Dogs, Goatse, Monkeys, the Monkeys, TTOM posts, Shlongy's reviews... idiots.
My turn: "I'm not afraid of anything. Bitches."
Apparently, my teacher can't comprehend such a possibility. Possibly because my teacher is too busy fondling his desk. "Everyone's afraid of something."
"Not me."
Then he starts suggesting stuff I should be afraid of.
"Heights?"
"I love climbing. And jumping out of airplanes. And pot."
"Reptiles?"
"I've had pet snakes for as long as I can remember. I keep it in my trousers. If you'd leave your desk alone for five minutes i'd show you."
"Spiders?"
"There's a big spider web two feet above my bed that's been there for a month because I'm just too lazy to do anything about it. I call the spider 'El Diablo'. We foxtrot together."
"What about death?"
By now, my classmates have come to think that I'm hiding some huge secret. Like the fact that I like sexing up dead goats. Which I am, but that's not the point.
"Death?" I respond, "What's the point in being afraid of death? There's nothing I can do about it anyways." Then I start thinking - "Well... Ubersite kinda scares me."
He gave me this stupid stare. Like the stare you give when you're not quite sure if the person you're talking to is being serious. Probally because I had eggplant parmesean smeared across my forehead.
Then the dumb bitch in my class (is there anywhere she isn't? I once traveled to Jupiter and suprise, the bitch was there. I couldn't even fathom how she figured out to work the Arkelian jump ship she used to get there.) bursts out: "Did you just say you're afraid of Ubersite?"
No, bitch, I said I was afraid of a possible stupidity infection from retards like you. If I wasn't, I'd do you. In the pooper.
"I just think the whole idea of Ubersite is pretty scary."
Then my teacher went onto the next student without letting me properly explain myself.
Whether you care or not, I was raised in a cage. (Like Bane, the guy who killed Batman) There's a Ubersite if you believe in Bart, a life if you don't, and there's no such thing as limbo or pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey or whatever game you want to play for your birthday. Yes, this includes musical chairs. As everyone knows, 'life' is the land of jobs and eternal suffering and warm soda with the ice melted so it tastes all watery and gross.
As far as I've been told, Ubersite doesn't have the same lame theme. Instead, you spend eternity praising Bart. There's two things I find wrong with that concept of perfection. The first is "eternity." Do you realize how long that is? This is not the waiting in line for three hours to see Revenge of the Sith, this is not the 101 freeway during rush hour. This is forever people, neverending (longer than the Story), there is never ever going to be an end! Like this review.
Now, if you can imagine this eternity like I do, try and picture spending all your infinite amount of centuries doing what? Singing praises to Bart. I don't know about your idea of fun, but this is certainly not mine.
"But wait," says Method, "it's okay because you're going to be happy. In fact, you'll love praising Bart forever and ever and ever."
Does this mean I'm gonna be brainwashed?
I don't want to be brainwashed. I can just picture myself like one of those preppy girls. You know, the ones that drown you in a pool of ghey aids when you tell them you won't buy they're fundraising tickets.
"Let's all Praise Bart!" I giggle as my perfect ripe oversized breasts bounce with my happy squeaks. "I'm so glad that I'm here to praise Bart for all eternity!"
Then everyone else joins in, "Yes, let's all praise Bart. Who wants to sing 'Turning Japanese?'"
"I do!"
And the eternal masturbatory service continues.
So next time you shy away from that creepy- looking spider, think: Which is really scarier: eight legs or shitty posts?
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BEST....REVIEW....EVAR!
Submitted by EntityErased (user info) at 2006-04-24 12:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for this:
"Hell is the land of fire and eternal suffering and warm soda with the ice melted so it tastes all watery and gross."
Because I, too, hate ice when it makes the soda all watery.
Now to read the rest.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-04-24 12:35:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I read it, it didn't cause me pain.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-24 12:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ubersite Scares Me
I was in my psych class when my teacher started talking about fears and phobias. Well, I'm not afraid of anything. Because I'm a bad ass mother fucker. Just like Samuel Jackson. Only white. I just don't see any point being scared. It seems analogous to reveiwing shitty posts.
Anyways, my teacher wanted everyone to pick their biggest fear to share with the class. There were the usual responses: Bugs, Flying, Dogs, Goatse, Monkeys, the Monkeys, TTOM posts, Shlongy's reviews... idiots.
My turn: "I'm not afraid of anything. Bitches."
Apparently, my teacher can't comprehend such a possibility. Possibly because my teacher is too busy fondling his desk. "Everyone's afraid of something."
"Not me."
Then he starts suggesting stuff I should be afraid of.
"Heights?"
"I love climbing. And jumping out of airplanes. And pot."
"Reptiles?"
"I've had pet snakes for as long as I can remember. I keep it in my trousers. If you'd leave your desk alone for five minutes i'd show you."
"Spiders?"
"There's a big spider web two feet above my bed that's been there for a month because I'm just too lazy to do anything about it. I call the spider 'El Diablo'. We foxtrot together."
"What about death?"
By now, my classmates have come to think that I'm hiding some huge secret. Like the fact that I like sexing up dead goats. Which I am, but that's not the point.
"Death?" I respond, "What's the point in being afraid of death? There's nothing I can do about it anyways." Then I start thinking - "Well... Ubersite kinda scares me."
He gave me this stupid stare. Like the stare you give when you're not quite sure if the person you're talking to is being serious. Probally because I had eggplant parmesean smeared across my forehead.
Then the dumb bitch in my class (is there anywhere she isn't? I once traveled to Jupiter and suprise, the bitch was there. I couldn't even fathom how she figured out to work the Arkelian jump ship she used to get there.) bursts out: "Did you just say you're afraid of Ubersite?"
No, bitch, I said I was afraid of a possible stupidity infection from retards like you. If I wasn't, I'd do you. In the pooper.
"I just think the whole idea of Ubersite is pretty scary."
Then my teacher went onto the next student without letting me properly explain myself.
Whether you care or not, I was raised in a cage. (Like Bane, the guy who killed Batman) There's a Ubersite if you believe in Bart, a life if you don't, and there's no such thing as limbo or pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey or whatever game you want to play for your birthday. Yes, this includes musical chairs. As everyone knows, 'life' is the land of jobs and eternal suffering and warm soda with the ice melted so it tastes all watery and gross.
As far as I've been told, Ubersite doesn't have the same lame theme. Instead, you spend eternity praising Bart. There's two things I find wrong with that concept of perfection. The first is "eternity." Do you realize how long that is? This is not the waiting in line for three hours to see Revenge of the Sith, this is not the 101 freeway during rush hour. This is forever people, neverending (longer than the Story), there is never ever going to be an end! Like this review.
Now, if you can imagine this eternity like I do, try and picture spending all your infinite amount of centuries doing what? Singing praises to Bart. I don't know about your idea of fun, but this is certainly not mine.
"But wait," says Method, "it's okay because you're going to be happy. In fact, you'll love praising Bart forever and ever and ever."
Does this mean I'm gonna be brainwashed?
I don't want to be brainwashed. I can just picture myself like one of those preppy girls. You know, the ones that drown you in a pool of ghey aids when you tell them you won't buy they're fundraising tickets.
"Let's all Praise Bart!" I giggle as my perfect ripe oversized breasts bounce with my happy squeaks. "I'm so glad that I'm here to praise Bart for all eternity!"
Then everyone else joins in, "Yes, let's all praise Bart. Who wants to sing 'Turning Japanese?'"
"I do!"
And the eternal masturbatory service continues.
So next time you shy away from that creepy- looking spider, think: Which is really scarier: eight legs or shitty posts?
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-04-24 11:51:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fucking scroll bar.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-04-24 11:51:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by myexstaintstain (user info) at 2006-04-24 11:44:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting post. Makes you think. I've never looked at it that way.
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I seriously hope your joking. Am i the only one who finds this review shocking?!?!
BTW im giving the plus 1 for the amount of fun i have had reviewing on this post. Any one else who is reading this, please stop giving us these religious posts. I have seen hundreds maybe thousands of these types of posts over the years (Its like an MSN name heaven). Evertime i read them i think Dan Brown you Cunt. Come on Holy Blood Holy Grail!
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-04-24 11:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought about that when I was about 8, and thinking about for a couple of years led me to realize that heaven, and religion, is all bullshit. I felt relieved to say the least.
Submitted by myexstaintstain (user info) at 2006-04-24 11:44:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting post. Makes you think. I've never looked at it that way.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-24 11:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-04-24 11:30:14 (#)
Ranking: -2
Ah realisation is a wonderful. Welcome to the realisation that religion is shit. Woo! Go crusades! No wait erm...shit. I guess religion lost its point after the medival ages...or maybe when God fought beside Britain in WW2. Or maybe its all just a pile of over discussed pointless bullshit. When you die, welcome to dustville, population, you.
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He's right you know.
The recent raft of new users are woefully unfunny.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-04-24 11:37:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
to make it -1.5 becuase it wasnt by far the worst religious post i ever read.
Submitted by Brendon (user info) at 2006-04-24 11:36:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being afraid of things is bullshit, and luckily so is the christian idea of heaven. Never mind praising god, imagine spending eternity surrounded by those all those preachy wankers. And another thing- if christians think they have to avoid the sins of pleasure to get into heaven, then wtf do they they think they're going to be doing in heaven? More of the same I bet.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-04-24 11:30:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Ah realisation is a wonderful. Welcome to the realisation that religion is shit. Woo! Go crusades! No wait erm...shit. I guess religion lost its point after the medival ages...or maybe when God fought beside Britain in WW2. Or maybe its all just a pile of over discussed pointless bullshit. When you die, welcome to dustville, population, you.