Talk to your kids, and they'll talk to you. Sort of. (2887 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.5 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom (View user info) at 2006-04-23 23:20:51 EDT
It's the future!
Oh boy, for so long I was waiting for it to be the future, and now it is. I'm so excited I think I'm going to puke. Seriously. But what's this mean? What's this mean for you? Now that it's the future, I shall tell you!
All through history, humanity has fallen short of the proverbial target. Sure, Napoleon ruled Europe, but he was short. Yeah, Abe Lincoln abolished slavery, but dude, have you seen that guy's mole? Imperfections everywhere! Well, now it's the future! And an unfortunate quality of humanity just so happens to be never to change, ever. We're imperfect as hell, but why aren't we all festering in piles of our own filth like some of our ape cousins? Because so far, every generation, outliving the last, also outdoes the last in nearly all areas of life. But there's an unfortunate exception to this rule.
Generation X!
As if you couldn't tell we were fucked already by the name we gave ourselves, Generation X. What does the X stand for, Xistential or something? Morons, existential has that E before the X. Man we are so fucked.
On top of being the dumbest, and probably the most fucked generation of humanity, we are probably the hardest to raise and communicate with. I mean, for fuck's sake, there was a girl who got raped by a guy online, and the parents read all their conversations. Their secret? Online acronyms. Shit like IWYTFMSH! It stands for "I Want You To Fuck Me So Hard" but it can be seen as "I Will Yoyo Triangles For My Science-class and History-class!" It's so damn clever, even though the girl using them was dumb enough to get raped intentionally by a guy who had to get all his information about her from her.
So, parents, how do you compete with us? Our retardation is so elaborate, Einstein couldn't keep up if his fucking career depended on it. I'll tell you how to keep up with us: be us. That's right, lower your own IQs a little bit and start paraphrasing everything you need to communicate to us in chat-like acronyms. It's easy, I'll help.
Every parent needs to talk to their kids about smoking. But kids won't listen if you say "Smoking will give you acne." Acne is curable, and luckily it's the only bad part about smoking. This is how you say it:
HDSYF
"Hey, Don't Smoke You Fag(s)"
Now that's a language that my hormone-shocked mind can understand!
A small extension of this acronym also covers drugs:
HDSWYF
"Hey, Don't Smoke Weed You Fag(s)"
Then of course, there's sex and pregnancy. People much older than me, and that generally don't understand me individually, have assumed pregnancy happens to everyone, even to men. Also, that sex happens to everyone, even to nerds. Everyone knows this isn't true, so of course we have to discredit you fucking a-dolts every time you bring up the subject. Wanna know a great way to get the point across? Of course you do!
DMAIYFYNYWGTEVAD
"Don't Masturbate And If You Fuck Your Neighbor You Will Get The Ebola Virus And Die"
If you're religious, you might want to try this one:
NMCTGWOTYYAFAWUMTDIOYGTEVAD
"Never Masturbate Cause That's God's Way Of Telling You You're A Fag And Wait Until Marriage To Do It Otherwise You'll Get The Ebola Virus And Die"
Wow, I had no idea.
Uh oh! Little Timmy came home with a black eye! What do you do? Do you go comfort him? Do you tell him to buck the fuck up? Start with a simple question:
WTFHTYFEF?
"What The Fuck Happened To Your Fuckin' Eye, Fag?"
Advice you could give poor little Timmy to prevent this from happening again could be:
NTTFWYSTITIWAF
"Next Time They Fuck With You, Stab Them In The Intestines With A Fork"
Now that's advice I'd give President...uhhh...Ford? Who's our president again? That doesn't matter. What matters most to kids is politics, according to Fox News, which has put itself in charge of being the number one provider of true information about every subject on the entire planet AND our one known moon. I've been devising a theory that the government has been hiding 2 other moons behind gigantic blankets. Sshhh, I'm about to report my findings to MTV News.
So it's election time! Your fresh 18 year olds are ready to hit the polls and vote for whomever the TV told them to vote for. How do you guide them to understanding the right decision that must be made on their own? Easy. Acronym it!
HFWYGTVBSYNAFMAVFTRP
"Hey Fag, When You Go To Vote Be Sure You're Not A Fucking Moron And Vote For The Right Person."
Is your family anarchist scum? Try this one:
VIFFSHAGHWU
"Voting Is For Fags. Stay Home And Get High With Us."
Oh those Anarchists, expressing their views in totally professional ways, like spray painting gigantic A's on train cars and dressing in ultra-tight pants. I know when I think of a political revolution, I think of being able to see my revolutionary's balls through his pants. Viva La Revolucion or some shit like that!
One last example before I let you parents get to talking with your kids! One of the most difficult and sensitive things to kids these days is their sexuality. Parents often fall short in understanding the sexuality of their children, whether it be based on old-timey ignorance or that God damn God we're always asking to damn things. Either way, if you're child comes out to you, you really should reassure him/her that you still love him/her. A good way to present this is:
WYMBAFBWSLY
"Well, You May Be a Fag But We Still Love You"
That would put my restless, queer little heart at ease, I know that much!
So you see, Maury Povich might like to make you feel like it's impossible to talk to yo outta controw chidren, but it really isn't. All you have to do is put it into words that we, the people putting you into nursing homes later in life, will understand and embrace.
User Reviews
Submitted by _God (user info) at 2006-12-03 15:10:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
WTFBRBBQ
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2006-05-14 17:02:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2006-04-24 10:47:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
OMGTPS!
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-04-24 10:09:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:25:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
apparently you haven't raised a child yet.
DO YOURSELF A H U G E FAVOR: DO NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN. tell all your friends not to have any either. let's see if you can start a popular trend.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:17:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*combusts*
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-04-24 08:07:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-04-24 04:47:54 (#)
Ranking: 1
i think youre off base directing this at generation x.
this should really be pointed at generation y.
arent labels fun! it makes it easier to sell stuff to us!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-24 07:37:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TWAF
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-04-24 07:06:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
camera pans back and rests on General Boutros Boutros Ghali and Cliff Clavin in Cheers bar..
Secretary-General Boutros Boutros Ghali: [peering soulfully into near empty glass] Things would've been a lot better if it wasn't for the Aricans..
Cliff: stoopid Aricans..
Secretary General Boutros Boutros Ghali: yep..
Cliff: Hey, Sammy! You used to date an Arican, didn't you?
Sam: yeah, sure Cliff, boy could she tango..
Cliff: The Secretary-General here says that if it wasn't for the Aricans things would be a lot better..
Sam: [leaning on bar opposite Cliff and Secretary-General Boutros Boutros Ghali] Well that's a matter of perspective, Cliff, climbing into bed with them makes all the difference..
Norm: hehehe.. good one Sammy, maybe you should've been the Secretary-General.
Sam: Well, I HAVE 'known' some secretaries.. 'generally'..
[canned laughter]
Secretary General Boutros Boutros Ghali: The problem with the Aricans is they have no real identity, no 'sense of being'..
Cliff: yeah, yeah, yeah.. you don't see the Aricans in the World Cup, do you Sammy?
Sam: You're asking me? I'm an old ball player, Cliff..
Cliff: Nonsense, Sam, you've got plenty of hair. HEY! WOODY! Another round for me and the Secretary-General! You get your mail on time, Boutros?
Secretary General Boutros Boutros Ghali: [throws back dregs of glass] I wouldn't know, the mail room is full of Aricans, they don't know my inbox from my outbox..
Woody: You know, I went to school with an Arican, she was twisted sister.. [does loopy hand gesture]
Secretary General Boutros Boutros Ghali: My mother was Arican..
Cliff: You don't say? Wow...
Secretary General Boutros Boutros Ghali: yep, hence the name - like I said, they don't know if they're coming or going, and they love to rhyme..
Sam: [cleaning glass] figures.. that Arican girl I was seeing loved to yell, "Sam! Sam!" and that rhymes. [conspiratorial wink at Woody followed by much guffawing from Cliff and Norm]
Secretary General Boutros Boutros Ghali: The whole Arican continent is a hotbed of confusion..
Sam: Oh, she was hot alright... IN THE BED!!
[much sniggering]
Frasier: [approaching cast of slapstick review] You know, Secretary-General, once sidetracked and encouraged by our host these purile ignorants somehow lose the finger-tipped grasp they had on the plight of the Aricans, I, on the other hand, would take great pleasure in engaging such a learned fellow as your esteemed self in the sociological aspect of the Arican tribes..
Woody: hehehe 'pleasure'..
Frasier: See what you've done to this boy, Sam? His idyllic simple mindedness has been reduced to nothing more than schoolyard leerings! Now, Secretary-General, I would like to ask your perspective on the Arican culture, the have and have nots, the do's and don'ts, the Arthurs and Martha's.. what a fascinating race..
Secretary General Boutros Boutros Ghali: It's a mixed up topsy turvy world in which they live, the political climate is neither here nor there, and the economy is up and down..
Frasier: And In Through the Out Door?
Secretary General Boutros Boutros Ghali: Seminal. And Arican in every aspect.
Woody: wow... and I just thought that Jimmy Page took lots of drugs.. and was confused....
Cliff: Led Zeppelin were Aricans??
Secretary General Boutros Boutros Ghali: On their Daddys' sides, yes. The rhyming is no accident..
Norm: Been a long time since i rock and rolled...
Cliff: Been a long time since I did teh stroll..
Woody: are the Scottish Aricans, Secretary-General?
Secretary General Boutros Boutros Ghali: No, just mike..
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 05:53:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad at all
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-04-24 05:47:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2006-04-24 03:46:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, if you put all the anger in this into automatic weapon format, you could overpower a small Arican dictatorship.
---------------------
stupid Aricans..
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-04-24 04:47:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i think youre off base directing this at generation x.
this should really be pointed at generation y.
arent labels fun! it makes it easier to sell stuff to us!
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2006-04-24 03:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, if you put all the anger in this into automatic weapon format, you could overpower a small Arican dictatorship.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2006-04-24 03:14:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry I've been unavailable on AIM recently; I've just been having a shitload of work to do. Hit me up sometime. I feel bad that I've been virtually ignoring you.
Submitted by soccer (user info) at 2006-04-24 01:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-04-24 00:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMGWTFBBQ
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-04-24 00:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2006-04-23 23:38:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 die
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-04-23 23:38:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Although now that I think about it, I'm pissed you came back tonight because this is going to overshadow my post. Bitch. I hate you. <weeeeeeeeeps>
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-23 23:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-04-23 23:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The first time you've posted in forvever, good to see you again.