The Introduction Of Captain Faggot And The Jewbird Brigade (1148 hits)
Category: Politics -> RepublicansRating: 1.93 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2006-03-14 10:05:44 EST
HEY! HEY! YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE!!!
The captain is in the middle of a press conference for god's sake! I just can't let you barge in and start waving a plastic baby around claiming negligence! If you don't have a press pass I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to......you look familiar.......yeah, I know I'm just a bar stool, but do you see the badge? I am law, and therefore unquestionable. You......no..NO. Don't sit drrrmph.........RRRRRRRRRRMMPHHH.......RRRRRRR.......(gasps for air)......for fuck's sake! See this mouth? See this? On my "face"? Where you just sat? How would you like it if I RRRRRRMMPH! FFFFFPHPH!!!!
OKAY! Alright! I'll take a rain check on another ass sandwich, thanks. Just go, but I don't want any trouble from you in the pressroom, understood?
........
Well? You going or not? Are you autistic? That's kind of like retarded, right? What? I'm not a racist. I don't think you know what that word.......whatever, okay, just go ahead and leave while I'm talking. Real polite. God, I hate people.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
Captain Faggot:.....and that's why I think we should blow up the entire Panama Canal. Next question.
Reporter: Captain, Ronald H. Hurthburger VIII from that magazine for elitist with a big vocabulary. It's known fairly well that you made a half-hearted attempt to eliminate video game violence with your supposed "ray of sunshine" in 2004. It turned out that all you did was point a flashlight at the television when your child was playing Grand Theft Auto, then claimed that it confused the main character into thinking a miracle just occurred and that god is the only true path. Do you realize how stupid in retrospect that idea was? What makes you think that people are going to believe that this latest scheme of yours to merge the earth and the moon into some sort of super planet you are calling "Morth" is going to work?
Captain Faggot: First of all, I hate the tone of your voice. You talk too slow and it sounds like you've got a mouthful of pudding that you refuse to swallow. Secondly, never bring my child into this again or I will rip your car keys out of your pocket and swallow them. How are you getting home now, genius? I don't know if you've noticed, but video game violence went down by 12% over the past two years. Coincidence? Yes, but that doesn't matter. Next Question.
Hurthburger: I believe you didn't answer my....
Reporter: Leave him alone Hurth, he's gorgeous. Hi, Stormy Tatas from Entertainment Weekly. The rumor mill is churning out some nasty rumors that you have been seen sauntering about town with Burt Reynolds. He's totally old! You're gay, aren't you? That's the only explanation as to why you aren't hitting on me.
Captain Faggot: Just because I enjoy the camaraderie of older men makes me a homosexual?
Stormy:.....Well, that and your name is Captain Faggot. Yeah......
Captain Faggot: You think Penelope Cruz is a luxury boat that carries unappreciative rich people around the Caribbean? I can't help it that I'm from the Philippines and the translation of my last name got screwed up when my parents immigrated here years ago. NEXT.
Reporter: John Grisham from The Client, I'd like to ask about...
Captain Faggot: Wait, what? John Grisham? Really?...wasn't The Client one of your books.....that.......you're an author, not a journalist?
Grisham:..........right.
Reporter: CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN! Joe Vagina, I have a blog about stuff like this. Anyways, this "Morth" idea you've been talking about.....wouldn't trying to move the moon throw the earth off it's orbit and send us spiraling into the unknowns of space? I mean, this is going against everything that science tells us. We need the moon for it's magnetic pull, for lunar hotels in the future, and werewolves. Where will the werewolves go without a moon? Do you hate animals, captain? Do you hate PETA?
Captain Faggot: Kind of. Listen, the moon is worthless by itself. It's a follower, not a leader. By merging our beautiful planet with that useless piece of floating rock, we will become a powerhouse of the solar system. Overpopulation? Solved. Where do we send illegal immigrants? Solved. Sure, there is a big chance that it won't work and I'll end up destroying the planet in the process, but MORTH, man, don't deny the allure. What a badass fucking name. There's another problem solved. Aliens? They're high-tailing it home because they just found out they were going to try messing around with a planet called Morth, and that just ain't happening.
Reporter: Excuse me, Catpain Faglover? Yeah, you remember me. It's your mortal enemy and former spades partner, Al Sharpton. I don't have the time to make up a simple rhyme to describe the blasphemy that is the Jewbird Brigade, do I? Okay, that wasn't planned. My question is, these birds that cling to your every word.......are they really Jews cause that seems absurd?
Captain Faggot: The Jewbird Brigade is.......uh.....it's classified information, and.....that....information.......it's at the bottom of the sea in this house, you see, and it's guarded by medusa and that Trix rabbit guy, and who wants to fuck with him? He's been denied a simple bowl of cereal by a bunch of bratty kids for close to 15 years. I wouldn't worry over it.
Sharpton: Oh really? Says here in this Captain Faggot "Guide to Reconstructing My Lies Into Tangible Truth", that the Jewbird Brigade is, and I quote, "an organization of close to 5,000 Jewish meth addicts who have been genetically altered into bird/human freaks with the sole purpose of FLYING TO THE MOON AND SIMULTANEOUSLY PUSHING IT TOWARDS THE EARTH." You can't breathe in space, son, and neither can your alleged brigade of mutated junkie birds. I'm going to go on record and say that your momma raised you a fool twice over and then some! OH SNAP!
Captain Faggot: Look, if this is going to turn into you calling me names for an hour, then I want no part of it. I've played nice, Sharpton, but you continually cross the line and question my motives. That guide was printed yesterday, which makes it irrelevant.
Sharpton: I'm not saying anything that shouldn't be said, Captain. Your ideas are plain ludicrous, and I will see to it that you are stopped, dropped, and locked up before this is all over.
Captain Faggot: Go for it man, you've been on my case ever since I killed your daughter in that drunk driving accident. ACCIDENT. It's called "moving on" Al, maybe you should look into some yoga classes or something...
Sharpton: DENISE WAS MY BABY GIRL, YOU CRETIN! But that is only added incentive to see you fail miserably at whatever you do. You are a disease upon this planet, and I will see to it that I am the vaccination that is injected to destroy you.
Captain Faggot: If it's the cure for AIDS it might be awhile. I mean, they have it readily available, you know, for famous/rich heterosexuals.
Sharpton: What?
Captain Faggot: This press conference is over. I'd like to thank everyone for being a royal pain in the ass, especially that fat ugly baby known as Al Sharpton over in the corner. If you think up of any other questions, feel free to disregard them after Morth is kicking the shit out of the Milky Way Galaxy and beyond. Right now I'm going to go back to getting the ball rolling on this grandiose project of mine, so if you'll excuse me I have other important matters to attend to...
"CAPTAIN FAGGOT! CAPTAIN FAGGOT! IS IT TRUE THAT YOU LIVE IN A GLASS OF ORANGE JUICE?!?!?!! CAPTAIN FAGGOT! CAPTAIN FAGGOT! CAPTAIN FAGGOT! CAPTAIN FAGGOT! CAPTAIN FAGGOT! WHERE HAVE ALL THE COWBOYS GONE!?!?!? CAPTAIN FAGGOT! CAPTAIN FAGGOT! CAPTAIN FAGGOT! AM I REALLY YOUR SON!??!?!?!? CAPTAIN FAGGOT! ARE YOU DATING LARA FLYNN BOYLE?!?!?!?!?!? YOU KNOW SHE'S UGLY, RIGHT?!?!!?!? CAPTAIN FAGGOT! CAPTAIN FAGGOT! CAN YOU HELP ME OPEN THIS JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!? CAPTAIN FAGGOT! CAPTAIN FAGGOT! I CAN'T FIND MY KEYES?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!? WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS?!?!?!?!?!?!?? CAPTAIN FAGGOT! CAPTAIN FAGGOT!!! DO YOU PREFER A CAPITALIST OR SOCIALIST FORM OF GOVERNMENT AND I ALSO NEED THREE MAIN POINTS AS TO WHY?!?!!?!!??!?!?! CAPTAIN FAGGOT!!!! CAPTAIN FAGGOT!!! CAPTAIN PLANET!! NO WAIT, WRONG CAPTAIN!!!!! CAPTAIN FAGGOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAPTAIN FAGGOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Deputy Bar Stool: He's been gone for five minutes, you idiots! Go home already. Don't make me start locking people up for MMRRMPRMRRPPPHHPHPH........MMMMMRPRH!!!!!!!!!..........you guys... MMMMRRPRHPHPHPH!!!!........No one respects the badge anymore. :(
Next Week: Captain Faggot begins work on turning "Morth" from mere fantasy into a reality.........maybe.
User Reviews
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-10-17 01:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"CAPTAIN FAGGOT! CAPTAIN FAGGOT!!! DO YOU PREFER A CAPITALIST OR SOCIALIST FORM OF GOVERNMENT AND I ALSO NEED THREE MAIN POINTS AS TO WHY?!?!!?!!??!?!?!"
Loser, come up to Chicago again so we can party and light stuff on fire. If you start walking now you can be here in six weeks.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-08-29 18:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope you get hit by a bus.
Due to the injuries you'll have to sit around and smoke pot while looking at your computer thinking "hey, I might as well right this down in the computer instead of marking crayon all over my walls".
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-05-17 22:24:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-05-17 16:01:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
She looks like she drinks the penis cream cheese from your friends. I'd dump her and conserve my energy for that apocalypse thing that will never happen with the balls of fiery locust-frog hybrids and so forth.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-04-29 10:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<sigh> I really miss his surreal mutterings.
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2006-03-16 19:48:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I will rip your car keys out of your pocket and swallow them"
I swallowed a nail once.
It never came out and now I get chest pains whenever I'm near a construction site.
Nails are biodegradable right?
+2 in retaliation for your crazy Jew rating on my last post.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-15 19:48:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-03-15 16:36:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
jay. JAY. jay. Talk to me. Where in Colorado do you live? Is it the Denver area? I'm thinking mid-summer that i'm going to be relocating close to that area, and i wanted to talk to you about a few things, if possible. Do you get on AIM anymore?
----------------
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-15 19:47:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Not often, but I am right now.
E-mail me, though. mister.jay.peg.at.gmail.com
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-15 15:14:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You've smoked yourself retarded.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-14 23:22:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
now go fuck yourself, asshole.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-03-14 13:28:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:53:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothin' like inviting yourself over, faggot.
If you come for the 25th you can be around for the GHOST HUNTERS!
In other news, the heat in this fucking store isn't working and how am I supposed to FUNCTION!? I guess I'll just drink coffee all day, in a valliant effort to conserve energy!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:53:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to have a party and invite all you guys to hang out with me and my brother. Everyone lives within fifteen minutes of my house, correct? We'll get high, maybe go get even more drugs, rent the first season of the shield on dvd. I just described heaven to myself.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:48:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe this way it'll be easier for the cow to jump over the moon?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:48:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Boned
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't understand any of this
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:35:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
WHERE HAVE ALL THE COWBOYS GONE!?!?!?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:15:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't you worry about it Sisky, i'm what you would call an "entrepreneur", so I'm highly skilled in the art of bullshitting and thinking of ways to uh, think up stuff like, uh, it rains gumballs and nickels? That should be a good addition to the next chapter. OOOH, I just thought about making the Captain lactose intolerant, but I won't, OR WILL I!?!?!??! I had to do that so I can use it for the next chapter, keeps you guessing like "Well is he or isn't he deathly afraid of yogurt?" Who knows as of now? Maybe I go with him being a father instead? I am a fucking bag and a half of tricks!
On the other hand, I truly am worried about corn_de_nuggz. Hey. You need help. Is your house really haunted? I like bowling as much as the next guy, but leagues on wednesdays? That's "Lost" night, freaks. HEY. I'm coming to your house in 2-3 weeks. BE READY.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:03:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oops. sorry about revealing the upcoming episodes.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-03-14 10:54:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In other news, I'm tired of being a wanna-be league bowler, I wanna be a league bowler!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-03-14 10:42:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHEM! I admit that CAPTAIN FAGGOT has a pretty good plan going Sisky, and I'm suprised that you kind of just wrote the next eight chapters in a single comment, but the werewolves cannot be underestimated. They know of Faggot's plan and trust me, they aren't happy about it, the government's not happy about it, the media, my parents, Pizza Hut, the list continues. Point is, when Morth is formed and everyone sees the benefit, the expulsions of werewolves and vampires, any other nocturnal animals for that matter, Captain Faggot will go down as the greatest non-presidential hero of all-time (in the story and real life)
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-03-14 10:34:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It wouldn't be detrimental to me after all, GLALL.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-03-14 10:31:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THis plan would really be detrimental to me on a personal level, GLALL. I mean, if you combine the Earth and the Moon, then there would be no Moon. And as you stated, in a moment of brilliant foresight, what would the werewolves be with no Moon?....
With no Werewolves, or Lycans to the familiar people, then the war between Vampires and Lycans would end. The question then becomes would we be worshipped or at least spared by the Vampires because we developed and implemented a plan to defeat the Lycans for them.
If the Vampires spare us, then what would be there purpose? No Lycans to fight with, OR people to feed on and expand their race.
Hey! Keep this plan a secret and we can implement it soon. Hear me out on this one.......
The Vampires would die off through attrition because we killed the Lycans and they couldn't kill us, that would be ungrateful. Without feeding on us, they would die off slowly through starvation with no new members to the Vampire nation coming in due to A LACK OF FEEDING.
I see your plan and it is brilliant! GLALL is putting humans atop the food chain again!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-14 10:18:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You think Penelope Cruz is a luxury boat that carries unappreciative rich people around the Caribbean?
FUCKING GOLD!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-03-14 10:16:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this is going to be an ongoing series, I hope everyone enjoys it and responds with praise and jubilation, because i deserve it just as much as you like giving it out to me. By the way, I hate series and just wanted you to know that I am liable to drag this out or end it tomorrow because I found out that, yes, i am bi-polar. Guess which side of my brain is awake?!?!?!?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-14 10:13:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a sick and twisted individual who shouldn't be allowed outside.
...I like that in a person.