I Guess You'll Do (4286 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.85 on 100 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike00295 (View user info) at 2006-02-27 14:55:04 EST
Hey, you, Some Guy. It's me, Some Girl. I guess we might as well have a life together. We're on a schedule here. I'm in my mid to late twenties; you're two years older than me. We're at about the same level of attractiveness. We have comparable educations. I need to mate, and you'll probably do as well as anyone else. Let's begin this typical courtship process, shall we?
You want sex? Fine. Roll around on me for a while. Whatever gets this moving. Are you done? Good. Now go tell your friends about it. And have a good time, you won't be seeing much of them any more.
I guess we should go to some movies and maybe a concert or two. That was nice. Now let's get in a fight and then make up. Good. Now let's go camping. While camping, let's take some pictures of us camping that we can hang up in our cubicles to remind us of the time we went camping. That will be a cherished memory.
Okay, I guess it's time to move into an apartment together that's about ten miles away from my parents' house. Let's live in this apartment for a year. Let's go to a Memorial Day barbecue at my parents' house. Good. Okay, time to get married.
When you propose, don't try to do anything cute like putting the ring in my wine glass or having a sports mascot bring it to me at a ball game. It's all been done before, and you are not a very creative person. It would probably just come off as cheesy and forced. Just get down on a knee and get it over with. New Year's Eve works fine for me.
Our wedding will take place a year-and-a-half from your proposal. It doesn't really take that long to set up a wedding; I just want to relish the fact that we are getting married for as long as I possibly can. During that time, I will be the center of attention. Sadly, this will be the highlight of my life. I have no aspirations to write a great book that will change the way people think, I don't want to travel the world and witness the majesty and diversity of foreign lands, I don't want to dedicate my life to intellectual or philosophical pursuits in an attempt to take my mind places that no one has ever gone- I just want to look skinnier in my dress than my bridesmaids. Okay, that's done.
After the wedding, I will take a year to reflect upon the wedding. I will send thank-you notes, watch the wedding video countless times with whomever will sit through it with me, and show people pictures from the wedding that they have no interest in seeing.
Soon, everyone will tire of my wedding talk and I will no longer be the center of attention. It is time for us to buy a house, so that I have something else to talk about. It will be a three-bedroom ranch home with a semifinished basement.
You will turn the basement into a rec room with a bar. This will be pointless, as you will rarely see your friends any more, and when you do, they will have neither the desire nor the time to go down and drink in our basement because they'll have mated too. Your masculine rec room will soon be cluttered with children's toys and my infrequently-used exercise equipment.
When people stop talking to me about our house, I will decide that we should have kids. I will take the fun out of sex by incorporating science and scheduling our intimacy around my ovulation cycle. We will conceive.
When I am pregnant, I will have something to talk to people about again, and everyone will pay attention to me. I will act as if I am the first pregnant person ever. Eventually, I will give birth, just as billions have done before me.
Our children will be adequate, but not spectacular. You will want them to be athletes, but they will lack the size and skill. I will want them to be creative but they will lack the talent and drive. Despite this, they will eventually mate, too.
We will move into a larger house to accommodate our growing family. You will build a deck off the back of the house that we will use twice a summer. We will briefly contemplate an above-ground pool but in the end will decide against it, citing cost and practicality.
There will be several dogs.
We will vacation. Myrtle Beach will be our destination of choice, though we will be no strangers to Orlando.
Our kids will leave and we will move into a condo, citing cost and practicality. We will retire. Now the waiting truly begins.
Our children will provide us with unremarkable grandchildren. We will photograph them and discuss them at length.
You will die of heart complications. Your funeral will be relatively well-attended and will last for just over an hour. Following it, some of us will go back to the condo where there will be a tray of cold cuts for sandwiches.
I will remain for eight more years, watching television and slipping away into dementia. I will die. Doctors will call it natural causes, but in reality, I will have semiconsciously willed myself to stop breathing out of boredom and defeat. It will be done.
You can pick me up at eight.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-06-11 18:13:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I usually don't even bother to READ posts from insignificant posters that I don't know- and the more I think about it, I don't even read the posts of people I actually LIKE- but this was good...and true.
Nicely done, Mr. Uber Nobody.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-06-11 17:57:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
still fabulous
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-06-11 17:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmph, I didn't realize that Pentameter's spiel on this was a parody of this post. Well-done.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-18 13:04:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, that's messed up. You scare me mike09342875
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-03-05 00:53:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2006-03-05 00:30:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2006-03-03 07:16:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah i see the point and i feel your pain ... He he +1
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-03 06:49:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good read and all but well... fuck you. If you want to lead a 'special' existence then piss off and join the army or the peace corp or the Shaolin monks. You want to change the way people think? You can't, because they already think like you. They've just learned to accept that a nice, cool glass of apple juice on a warm summers morning is not immoral.
Submitted by angel_2k01 (user info) at 2006-03-03 06:24:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the first post that I have read from beginning to end. All the others so far are just shit and boring! More more more!
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2006-03-02 21:37:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fucking excellent.
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-03-02 20:55:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well-worn topic, but put together brilliantly.
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-03-02 19:40:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How frighteningly true.
Loved it.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2006-03-02 19:26:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good. The "truth is stranger than fiction" thing.
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2006-03-02 10:50:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2006-03-02 09:39:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is without a doubt, the best post on uber i've ever read. It speaks volumes on our culture it's just amazing...
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-03-01 14:38:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, that certainly cheered me up.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-03-01 14:26:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-02-28 08:48:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like last Friday, just without the relationship.
-----
that i approve of
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-03-01 14:17:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Smashing. I always thought this was a bit of an obvious thing, though. Thank you, however, for putting words to thought. This piece also really "riled me up", when I consider how calculating women are. Grrr. Then again, being the weaker sex, they've had to adopt other methods to get what they want. Which works for them. Sadly, men seem to have lost all the killer instinct that placed them at the top of the food chain in the first place. Now I'm surrounded by gutless fucking wonders. It's my theory that mankind peaked sometime in the Stone Age, and everything afterward has been a slow decline. We men still have hope though. Or you guys do. I'm fine. But when all of the chinless, shoe-gazing worms out there find themselves in a dilemna, ask yourselves.....What Would Chuck Norris Do ?
Bottom line: Men- if you get taken in by these insidious feminine wiles, you deserve everything you get, including the beer gut, lack of sex, and heart attack at 40.
Submitted by JoeAverage (user info) at 2006-03-01 14:03:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Every once in a while there is a gem on this site and this is one of those times. I just hope this isn't stolen from somewhere else, because it's that good.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-03-01 03:01:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that scares me in a "wow, i knew it all along" sorta way.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-03-01 01:10:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's wonderful, it's magical. Oh boy, here it comes. Another mouth.
-- Homer Simpson
And Maggie Makes Three
P.S. Where the fuck were you when I was proposing? GYP! I'll take my do-over now.
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-02-28 21:44:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Could this be the best day of my life?
-- Homer Simpson
Homer the Heretic
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2006-02-28 16:46:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-02-28 10:50:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My favorite poster. Easily.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2006-02-28 09:35:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best post ever. I'm going to print this out and put it on my fridge as a reminder of what to avoid.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-28 09:07:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-02-28 09:01:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The cynicism in this was bloody spectacular.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-02-28 08:48:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-02-27 20:07:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
fabulous ending.
i have a theory that where i live, people look at eachother one day and say, 'hey, youre not disfigured. im not disfigured. i need ass, and my personality is only a minor turnoff.'
'really? me too! want to get drunk so we can prentend we didnt really want to have sex?'
'sounds good! see you saturday!'
and thus ignobly begin a two-year relationship.
-------------------------------------------------
Sounds like last Friday, just without the relationship.
Submitted by BrittInToledo (user info) at 2006-02-28 07:47:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-28 07:38:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2006-02-28 07:21:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent post.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-28 06:24:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Couldn't read it. Didn't like the style one little bit.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2006-02-28 06:24:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
very good but too cynical. what about falling in love with the most wonderful person in the world and waking up next to that person every morning? what about exploring each other sexually and mentally? there's alot more to life than the standard cliches and it is up to the individual to ensure their life is exciting.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-02-28 04:57:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucken hell. I'm going to adopt this post as my life's mission statment. I've tried a few times to write something like this, and it just hasn't worked.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-02-28 03:59:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you weren't named Mike, I'd want a date.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-02-28 03:43:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Profound.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-02-28 03:08:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
frighteningly good.
Submitted by kybernetikum (user info) at 2006-02-28 02:51:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-02-28 02:23:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
STOP IT! THE GLASS IS HALF FULL, OKAY?! IT'S HALF FULL!
Submitted by GreenRiver (user info) at 2006-02-28 02:07:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-02-27 22:44:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-02-27 22:28:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just RUSHING out to get married after these two posts, lemme tell ya!
Submitted by Orla (user info) at 2006-02-27 21:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-02-27 20:07:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fabulous ending.
i have a theory that where i live, people look at eachother one day and say, 'hey, youre not disfigured. im not disfigured. i need ass, and my personality is only a minor turnoff.'
'really? me too! want to get drunk so we can prentend we didnt really want to have sex?'
'sounds good! see you saturday!'
and thus ignobly begin a two-year relationship.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-02-27 20:04:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well deserving of 2
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-02-27 20:00:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mike,
Spectacular.
Fucking amazing.
Submitted by turkishblend (user info) at 2006-02-27 19:58:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-02-27 19:00:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-02-27 18:41:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliance
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2006-02-27 18:06:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was depressing as a dead puppy...and equally arousing!
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2006-02-27 17:52:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesomeness
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-02-27 17:47:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is good.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-02-27 17:38:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How many posts have you written for the phat phree? This was awesome.
Submitted by Leodus (user info) at 2006-02-27 17:35:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Argh, sodding thing. That was meant to be +2. It's too early to do more than read.
Submitted by Leodus (user info) at 2006-02-27 17:34:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Bravo!
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-02-27 17:34:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to close to reality for most people.....
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2006-02-27 17:10:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2006-02-27 17:03:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by no_one (user info) at 2006-02-27 16:52:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So many people do live this way. I am anti-this person. I met my husband when I was 14. we just got married last summer, and went to Germany for our honeymoon. I both want to travel the world and write a book that will change it, and I don't want children. I try to really do something with and enjoy my life everyday. I'm like a nike commercial or something. Play hard. Live strong....
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-02-27 16:47:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nicely done.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-27 16:33:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
shit sorry about the last rating man.
stupid stupid scourge
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-02-27 16:15:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So true.
I sure am glad that I'm AWESOME, and not average like the rest of you cunts.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-02-27 16:14:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit...
I'm terrified.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2006-02-27 16:03:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff.
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:50:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:23:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:22:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
so very sad...yet true
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:50:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
plus fucking two.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:49:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The no open bar no present rule should be written in to law somewhere.
Forcing people to wear a tuxedo and dance with ugly fat chicks means you funnel booze down their throats. PERIOD. No room for bargaining
katy- there were never any presents bought. We had discussed getting married, but nothing formal. The idea of the wedding....shudders... My wife and I had been together for a long time already when we got married, nobody really expected it to happen, we just did it. When I think of all the potential cash that we missed out on though I kick myself.
I'll dance with ugly, fat, and old people a lot for a few grand in cash and a bunch of new appliances.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:47:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for the inspiration!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/84617
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:41:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:29:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
why get married at all??
if i've said it once i've said it a million times. DO NOT GET MARRIED. Just don't do it.
and for the love of GOD, do NOT have any children.
Just remember - I told you so.
--
eek, sounds like you are speaking from harsh experience ;)
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:40:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're gonna give me nightmares for a month you damn Hick.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:39:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:36:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:29:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
well shit, i eloped and called home the day of the wedding to say so. i got the presents later. you can always get the presents later.
-------------
you can get the presents later? hell, i'm in... eloping it is!
----------------------
If someone eloped, I wouldn't give presents. In fact unless there is an open bar, no presents. Unless I get blind drunk and hear the chicken dance nobody gets anything.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:36:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:29:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
well shit, i eloped and called home the day of the wedding to say so. i got the presents later. you can always get the presents later.
-------------
you can get the presents later? hell, i'm in... eloping it is!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:35:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The last line is great.
This is exactly how I NOT want to live my life.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:29:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
why get married at all??
if i've said it once i've said it a million times. DO NOT GET MARRIED. Just don't do it.
and for the love of GOD, do NOT have any children.
Just remember - I told you so.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:29:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well shit, i eloped and called home the day of the wedding to say so. i got the presents later. you can always get the presents later.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:27:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:26:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I got married for real but never told my family. I posted about it not to long ago. Anyway - that's the way to go people. You don't have to mess with the family AT ALL.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:24:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:23:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
another
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:23:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:22:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
so very sad...yet true
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:23:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Way off, I am three years older, and already have a house.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/83434
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:22:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so very sad...yet true
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:21:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
we actually did the whole big wedding thing because my parents wanted to give us a huge wedding
but i would have been just as happy running off to vegas or some island or wherever and gittin r done
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:21:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you MUST live around here. and you make it sound so simple.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:14:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:08:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:06:23 (#)
Ranking: 1
This post is the reason if I ever do get married, I'll probably run off, do it, and send post-cards.
--
i highly suggest this method
====
My wife and I waited until both her mother and my parents were out of town, went and handed over the $25 fee and got hitched at the County courthouse. We handed out cards the next day. Many people misunderstood and thought the were being invited to a wedding. Many feminine tempers were lost upon explanation. When I pointed out the fact that the tempers being lost were a fine supporting example of the reason we made the decision we made, tempers were lost anew.
Her mother didn't speak to us for a month.
Good times, good times.
My only regret is the presents/cash I missed out on, all the shiny new presents...
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:12:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ye-es
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:09:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure gold, this post.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:08:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was fuckin excellent, dude - I'm just jealous that I didn't write it.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:08:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:06:23 (#)
Ranking: 1
This post is the reason if I ever do get married, I'll probably run off, do it, and send post-cards.
--
i highly suggest this method
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:07:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was fucking funny man.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:06:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This post is the reason if I ever do get married, I'll probably run off, do it, and send post-cards. People spend too much time planning out every second of their lives.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh dear god. That's all already happened to me twice. I'm so fucked. Anybody have a gun handy?
Submitted by RamenNoodle (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:03:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So true
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:03:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ok, but the prose was tough.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:01:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck, I laughed.
I was at a wedding last weekend and accidentally got married when me and a bridesmaid tested the unity candle by lighting it together. She was good enough for my purposes.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-02-27 14:59:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-02-27 14:59:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmm
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-02-27 14:58:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
pathetic as it sounds, that much interaction with a member of the opposite sex would be heaven. plus I don't have any friends to lose anyway, so there's no downside either!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-27 14:58:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*Hands over engagement ring*
"You win."
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-02-27 14:56:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My friend is getting married in April. I guess it inspired me.
Here first - http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=2187&SectionID=11&LayoutType=1