If Stupidity Were Fatal, You'd Be Dead-- The Late Night Delivery, Part 7 (2637 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2006-02-26 15:08:35 EST
http://www.ubersite.com/m/45183 Part 1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/49806 Part 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61087 Part 3
http://www.ubersite.com/m/69323 Part 4
http://www.ubersite.com/m/84048 Part 5
http://www.ubersite.com/m/84109 Part 6
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If Stupidity Were Fatal, You'd Be Dead-- The Late Night Delivery, Part 7
I lifted my tired eyes and tried to concentrate on the road. It was almost 9 AM according to the car's clock. I was hoping it was right. I never wear a watch. Even when I did wear one every now and then, I'd forget that I had it on and would always ask someone else for the time.
It had been several hours since I had pretty much held a diner hostage. My father saved my life, but that cost another man his life. I scared an elderly couple out of their minds, and I know they have my picture in their head to describe to the police.
I know we shouldn't be on the road in a stolen car, but we really couldn't stop off in the middle of the night and buy a new one. The same goes for getting a new change of clothes.
"So, what kind of haircut should I get?", I turned to my dad, trying to lighten the mood of the serious situation I had gotten us into.
"Whatever you decide on, you'd better not cut it yourself. You remember what happened when you were ten."
"That time I tried to trim my bangs and ended up giving myself a full-on haircut?"
"Hair CUT? That was a hair massacre, son".
"Yeah, I hated that the barber had to give me such an awful haircut to fix it."
"Didn't he shave the sides and leave the top and back?"
"Yeah. All I could do to make it look halfway decent was to slick it straight back."
"I remember! You looked like you worked for the mafia."
I got silent for a moment.
"I'm... I'm sorry dad."
"For what, son?"
"For everything I've gotten you into. You'd be sitting at home right now in peace if I hadn't come and screwed with your life."
"Son, before all of this, I didn't have a life. At least we're spending time together. Although running from the mafia and police wasn't my idea of spending quality time with my only son, but hey. I'll take what I can get."
He smiled.
I smiled.
We just shared a father-son moment. It was weird.
I never want that to happen again.
"So.. uh.. what should we do first?"
I noticed a Wal Mart sign about a half mile down the street.
"Haircuts and change of clothes."
Wal Mart was the best place to get both.
"So whaddya want today?", said the lady as she threw the tarp over my body.
"All of it off."
"Do you want me to leave some stubble or do you want it all the way gone?"
"I don't care. Do what would look best."
My dad was buying a new outfit as I was getting my locks shaved off.
"Do you want to keep the sideburns?"
I gulped. "No. Shave those off too."
I cringed as the razor sheered off my remaining personal trait.
After the haircut, I didn't look at myself in the mirror. I've always had a high hair-line and big ears. I didn't want to worry about my personal appearance too. I have more important things to worry about.
You know, like being killed and all.
"How's this look, son?", my dad said as he stepped out of the dressing room.
He was wearing dark blue jeans and a red and white striped collared shirt.
"Um... dad?"
"What? Too much?"
"Well..."
"What?"
"You came in here with jeans and almost the exact same shirt you're wearing now."
"Oh yeah, the point is to look different, isn't it?"
"Now you're getting it. If stupidity were fatal, you'd be dead."
"Look who's talking. You look like a damned skinhead. With big ears, I might add."
"Hey.. I got my looks from you.", I quipped.
He smiled as he went back to the rack.
After exiting Wal Mart with haircuts and bags of clothes, we tossed them into the backseat of the stolen Cadillac and headed for our next mission.
I'm surprised the police haven't spotted this car by now. I know by now that this car has been reported stolen.
I turned onto a series of back roads before finally coming across a used car lot.
"Fat Sammy's Used Cars"
We parked the Cadillac.
"Grab the bags", I said to my dad. "As soon as we get this car, we're out of here."
"Hey there fellas! Nice day, isn't it?"
A large man wobbled toward us, his fat pasty arms swinging with every step. He smelled a sell. He smelled money.
"What can I do for you two today? How 'bout a nice pickup."
"No thanks", I said. "I need a car. Something small. Something fast."
"Right this way".
He led us to the second row of cars and stood in front of a small Mazda Miata. "She has great pickup. Low mileage."
"This is a chick car.", I said.
"Well... um... you asked for.."
"Do we look like chicks to you? We're not some fag sissy boys. Give me a fucking car with speed, damnit!"
"Son! Are you okay?", my dad remarked.
The pressure was obviously getting to me.
"I'm sorry. It's just been a long few days."
"I understand, buddy. What's in your price range?"
"Did I ask for a price range?"
"I'm just trying to help.."
"I asked for something fast. Now take me to your fastest car."
"Well, I've got something but it might be a little out of your price range. I'll only take cash for it and I..."
"Come on dad, let's go."
I turned and started walking. This clown wants to fucking play with us? I asked for his fastest car.
"Wait! Wait!", the man hobbled toward us.
I turned back around. "Sammy, is it?"
"Yes sir."
"I'm going to try this one more time. If you don't take us to your smallest car, I'm not going to just walk off this time."
Beads of sweat rolled down his face. He pulled a red car rag out of his pocket and patted it against his forehead.
"This way, fellas."
He led us around the back of the run down building and to a car covered with a blue tarp. He yanked the tarp off of it.
"It's a 1993 Porsche 911. It's the fastest thing I've got."
"Now this is what the fuck I'm talking about", I said as I circled the car, running my fingers along the beautiful blue paint job.
"Where's your dad?", asked Sammy.
"Probably around front. How much do you want for it?"
"Make an offer.", he smiled.
I pulled out a stack of hundreds and tossed it in his direction. His fat hands struggled to catch it. "Don't tell me how much is in there. Just tell me if that's enough."
His small beady eyes glazed over as he licked his finger and counted through the stack.
"Um... yes sir. This is enough."
"Great. Where are the papers? We've got to hit the road."
He walked inside the back entrance as I glanced around for my father. Still no sign of him. Sammy came back outside with a clipboard. "Just sign here... here.. here..."
I signed everything and handed Sammy back the clipboard. "This car? She's legally mine?"
"All yours, bud. The dealer tag is good for 45 days. Your state tag should be here in.."
"I probably won't be back", I said as I hopped into the blue beauty.
"Here's the key. Nice doing business, fella."
I cranked it, revved the engine a few times and drove toward the front of the lot to pick up my dad.
Do I hear sirens?
As I pulled around to the front of the building, all of the doors of the stolen cadillac were open. The trunk was popped. A search dog was going through it. Two police cars sat out front. My dad was on the ground, handcuffed.
Then he noticed me.
He tossed his head to the right, silently telling me to get the hell out of here. My heart raced as I mouthed the words "I'll get you out".
I stepped lightly on the gas, hoping the officers wouldn't notice me and crept out of the parking lot and further away from my father.
I stayed over 100 miles per hour as I flew down the highway for an hour or more, then pulled off the exit ramp and into a gas station.
While filling up, I decided to walk over to the pay phone to make a call.
I dropped two quarters into the slot and dialed the long distance number.
"Hey Lenny....."
To be continued.
-Sideburns
User Reviews
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-03-05 10:13:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read every single part of this series for the first time. Damn good.
Submitted by Rookie (user info) at 2006-03-04 12:44:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love mafia stories.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2006-03-03 04:46:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-02-26 23:43:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Bout goddamn time. Excellent.
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A couple of weeks as opposed to almost a year, my how impatient we get when it comes to a great story.
Banga
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2006-02-28 19:30:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
burnsie, you've still got it.. get at me on aim. name is kon.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-27 12:08:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
More more more
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-27 04:43:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-02-26 23:43:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bout goddamn time. Excellent.
Submitted by PoTtY (user info) at 2006-02-26 22:31:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where'd you go? I miss you so.
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2006-02-26 22:20:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-02-26 19:43:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-02-26 19:13:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
since when does a sideburns post get 200 hits and 5 reviews?
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That's what Sunday afternoons will do to you.
As always, great job Sideburns.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-02-26 19:13:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
since when does a sideburns post get 200 hits and 5 reviews?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-02-26 17:06:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was really good.
i'll have to take the time to read back through the others.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-02-26 16:55:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gah! Not the sideburns! *sobs*
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-02-26 15:54:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-02-26 15:28:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
phenominal. good to have you writing again.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-02-26 15:28:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Been awhile, Burnsy.