The Female Shopper (1369 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.42 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ENV3NOM (View user info) at 2006-01-24 15:50:00 EST
Females are an illogical species. Anyone who disagrees with that statement could only be female. You know how I deduced that? Logic, that's right. It's not simply because they refuse to acknowledge facts during the course of an argument. (Just yesterday I got in an argument with a female about which location of a particular restaurant chain was closer to our job, and despite that one location is significantly closer in terms of actual miles and additionally is in an area with little to no traffic while the other location is in a high traffic area she continued to insist that it was closer) It's because they can turn ANYTHING into shopping.
Have you ever heard a woman say something like "Can we stop at the drug store real quick? I need to pick up some deodorant, it will only take a sec."
The experienced male knows better. The experienced male knows to pull out his female-to-reality translation table and can calculate that the female equivalent for "a sec" is somewhere between thirty minutes and an hour. The inexperienced male (aka "sucka") however will get a harsh dose of reality as he proceeds to watch said female examine each and every one of the five hundred brands of deodorant on the shelf, pausing to remove the cap and take in the fragrance, mull over it's significance briefly and then return it to the rack before proceeding on to the next. Eventually she will settle on one, momentarily giving false hope that it might soon be time to leave, only to discover that she must now search for the accompanying body wash, soap and lotion in that same fragrance. If any of these items are not available, you might as well set up camp for the evening because the search is about to begin anew.
I wish I could say it stops there, but on the contrary it gets worse. I have actually seen women shop for a PARKING SPACE! (?!#$#$@%) That's right, I've seen a woman drive back and forth through an empty parking lot, carefully scrutinizing each space, trying to decide which of these spaces is better than the other. I've got news for you, THEY'RE ALL THE SAME! Of course it isn't your place to bring that to their attention, for that would be signing your own death certificate, so unfortunately you'll just have to choke back that urge to offer her a tape measure so she can more carefully examine the spaces at hand.
I'm the first to admit, I am an impatient person, and like most males I have the habit of determining what it is that I want before I get to the store, heading straight for that item, purchasing it and heading to the exit. It is the only way I can function, for if I were to stop every two feet to examine the shiny new item in front of me I'd end up killing more people than Hitler on a vacation to Boca Raton. Occasionally however due to some apparent lapse of sanity I am duped into believing that a female could be capable of this same feat.
A few weeks ago a girl at my job asked me if I could give her a ride to the mall. Begrudgingly I said yes, only after her insistence that she just needed to run into one store and see if they had a sweater she wanted, and if so she'd get it and leave. I knew better. I KNEW better, and yet something within me compelled me to give her an ok, so off to the mall we went.
We arrive and she immediately walks into the first store she sees. Could it be possible that by some coincidence the store she was referring to was conveniently located just inside the entrance? A sense of dread immediately crept over me - I'm not that lucky.
Within minutes I remembered how much I hate shopping. It's bad enough when you're doing it with someone you care about, a sacrifice that you undoubtedly have to make at some point in a relationship, (after all, there is always the hope that after displaying hours of patience and looking truly pathetic throughout that the venture will ultimately yield some a$$, out of pity if nothing else - hey, I ain't proud) but to have to suffer through such an experience with someone you have no interest in should be deemed cruel and unusual punishment.
I manage to pull her out of the first store in a reasonable amount of time, but she quickly enters another, and then another. As we enter the third store I immediately see an omen, a man sitting in a chair bearing a look on his face indicating that he'd been there so long the store may very well have been built *around* him. As I pass him I can only shake my head and mutter "you poor bastard." Little did I know I would soon be bearing that same expression.
It is now several stores later and my will has been broken. "What's that? You want me to help you? Sure, anything that will get me out of this hell forsaken rat maze with a shred of sanity in tact." She asks me to choose between two of the ugliest sweaters I've ever seen. It's like asking me to choose between death by electrocution or the gas chamber. Six one way, half a dozen the other - I could ask which one will get me out of her quicker, but that would only add time to my sentence. There is no right answer. I give a vague gesture, being careful to not really indicate one over the other, letting her interpret the signals on her own. "The orange one?" I nod and smile, success!
She asks me to hold a scarf while she heads to the dressing room to try each of the sweaters on, and grabs three more. It's obvious that my opinion had no bearing on her decision, but it would be pointless to inquire why she asked, as that would require a logical response. She proceeds to try on the same sweater in the same size in five different colors. Logic tells me that a sweater in the same size fits the same regardless of the color, but hey, who am I to argue?
One of the store's employees notices me standing in the middle of the store like a mannequin for a good thirty minutes or so and ventures over to confirm that I don't need any assistance. He recognizes the look on my face and I can tell that he feels my pain. He pats me on the shoulder, "hang in there, it will be ok."
She emerges from the dressing room only to have come to the conclusion that the medium sweater didn't fit in *any * of the colors. (Gasp!) She notices that I am holding the scarf a few feet away from my body in an attempt to clarify to anyone who was uncertain that the item was not for me.
"You're holding that scarf like it's a disease," she exclaims.
"It's the ugliest fucking thing I've ever seen" I mutter.
"What's that?"
"Uh...I was just commenting on how it accentuates your high cheekbones."
Whew, that was a close one.
She then proceeds to the register with several items. In a curious move, one which I will never completely understand, she takes five items to the register but only purchases three. Most people only take items to the register which they plan to purchase, but as I have come to find out through my years of observation this ritual is commonplace among the female breed.
As we are exiting the mall (finally!) she sees a young girl who has her jacket draped over her shoulders. She sees the armless sleeves swaying in the breeze and exclaims "oh my god, that little girl has no arms," confirming my suspicion that shopping kills brain cells. After all, I'd only been shopping for a few hours and I already had a headache that could only be rivaled by an acid hangover.
A week later I am again at the mall, this time with my ex. We've had our ups and downs, but I still love her and while I hate shopping with her as much as anyone else I'm slightly more tolerant. We soon enter Victoria's Secret and she notices that I am shadowing her. "Stop following me, go over there and look for some bras" she exclaims. Now I've been to Victoria's by myself before, and I have no problem going in there with a specific purpose, getting in and getting out, but yes, I am a little bit self conscious about appearing like I'm there alone. After all, there is just something creepy about a guy standing in Victoria's for an hour or so rifling through women's underwear. Besides, none of that would be necessary if they would simply put the 36 D's in the bin marked "36 D," but that would be too logical.
After an hour or so she sees the pitiful look on my face and acknowledges how patient I've been. "You've been really good today, I just might have to give you some." Finally, things are looking up, but my joy was short lived. We head to the next store, and then the next, one right after another, but despite our repeated efforts she can't find anything to wear!
Gentleman, let me tell you, if I only accomplish one thing in this post, I hope to convey the following:
1) Never go shopping with a woman. Avoid it at all costs.
and
2) If you are somehow caught in extenuating circumstances and are forced to accompany a female while shopping, MAKE SURE SHE BUYS SOMETHING!
There is nothing like the manic depressive nature of a woman who has spent four-plus hours in the mall and comes away with nothing!
On the way home I make one last desperate plea for some ass, even though I know it to be futile.
"So, did you still wanna have some fun when we get home?"
"..." (As she stares at me with a look that would burn a hole through steel...Superman, eat your heart out)
"Oh god...You know what, you can just drop me off here, it's ok, I'll walk..."
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-25 10:40:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry but I would have to agree that the shopping bit is about spot on. I always think of the beer commercial where the guys are out shopping with thier wives and have the tv bar room all set up under one the clothing racks. What surprises me is that stores don't create some sort of lounge, some nice cushy chairs, tv, magazines, swedish masseuse, for the guys, they could serve beer and make money.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-25 09:32:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sure did call this one.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-25 06:59:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:21:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Rut-ro, Raggy. You just pushed loki's man-hate button.
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I loved the scooby doo impression.
The post, however, was uninspired.
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-01-25 01:59:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had the same experience...at least you got to go from shop to shop...i was in one fucking giant ass store for 5 hours...i actually felt like i was about to die when i was leaving...i could barely consentrate or stand up.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:58:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-01-24 21:50:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done. About time you posted again
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-01-24 21:07:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Pick an interesting subject and your smooth verse will shine.
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2006-01-24 19:59:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-24 17:04:28 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:21:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Rut-ro, Raggy. You just pushed loki's man-hate button.
-----------------
Now isn't that typical. My not caring for the obvious low hanging fruit that is a bash on some stereotypical female versus male trait and the instant assumption is that I am a man hater.
Is that a rational or logical conclusion?
1. Person A writes some lame crap about womenz and shopping
2. Person B reads lame crap and calls it lame crap
3. Person B must be a man hating, hairy legged, lesbo bitch
QED
----------------------------------------------------
Guy C laughes because Loki is right, but I still think she's a hater too.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-01-24 19:10:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you are absolutely correct sir. don't even try to understand.
1. that's right. you should never go shopping with a woman. really, we don't want you there. just give us money. go and do some boy things like play video games, watch sports, smoke cigars, fuck our best friends (that's right, times have changed - we don't care anymore). we'll be home later, and we'll bring you home a nice present.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2006-01-24 19:07:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Even better is the response "in two shakes of a lambs tail."
Apparently it takes upwards of 90 minutes for a lamb to shake it's tail twice.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2006-01-24 19:00:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll agree that a males are just as likely if not more likely to shop for a *good* parking space. (i.e. when most of the spots are full and a close one isn't available) I can't say that I've ever seen a man drive through an empty parking lot however and still have a difficult time deciding where to park. Perhaps it was an isolated incident, who knows?
As far a sweeping generalizations are concerned, I think they're hysterical. Dave Chappelle sure makes (made?) a killing off them. And as someone noted, stereotypes usually become stereotypes for a reason. Let's take the following for example:
"The experienced male knows to pull out his female-to-reality translation table and can calculate that the female equivalent for "a sec" is somewhere between thirty minutes and an hour."
Fellas, does the phrase "I'll be ready in a minute?" ring a bell?
+2's, -2's whatever. What's gratifying to me is to know that in today's Uber I can still get anyone to *read* a post this long. That is a statement in and of itself. Or it just means there are a lot of really, really bored people out there. For the sake of self-placation I'll stick with the former.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-01-24 18:58:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This is why I go shopping alone. Shopping bores the hubby and my female friends take for-fucking-ever.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-24 18:57:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Besides, none of that would be necessary if they would simply put the 36 D's in the bin marked "36 D," but that would be too logical.
------------------------------
I think you just admitted to something right there.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-24 18:05:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dude, haven't you learned?
If you cut one of Loki's heads off, TWO grow back in its place!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2006-01-24 17:41:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oops, that was supposed to read *female* population of ubersite
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2006-01-24 17:39:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was just messing with you loki, I don't care, you can -2 my posts all you want. If I had any adverse reaction, it was only because I did put some time into this post instead of my usual slop something together in 10 mins and throw it up there, mainly because I haven't posted anything in awhile. Whether you agree with my statements or not, I honestly don't feel that it's crap, but everyone is entitled to their opinon and their -2's.
logical explanation?
Shall we start from the beginning: "Females are an illogical species. Anyone who disagrees with that statement could only be female."
I figured that statement would probably inhibit me from receiving any +2's from the population of ubersite, but I also anticipated that most would realize it's a joke and the ensuing +1's I received from the laides below were about what I expected. No biggie.
Anyway, thanks for the explanation
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-24 17:28:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
logical explanation?
Shall we start from the beginning: "Females are an illogical species. Anyone who disagrees with that statement could only be female."
That alone merited an automatic -2 and if this had been posted by someone I didn't recognize I would have hit it with one and moved on. I kept reading because you usually post funny stuff.
Then there was a lot of blah blah blah about the perceptual difference between something being close due to physical proximity and close due to temporal proximity.
Some crap about a drug store that leads me to believe that you adhere to a Parisian attitude towards personal hygiene. By that I mean picking up deodorant and soap is not "shopping" picking up deodorant and soap is something you do on the way home from work.
We move on to a rather tangential discourse on shopping for a parking space that I completely did not understand. Based on personal experience, I would say that men tend to do more of this hunting for a good space than women. I may be biased in this regard because I drive a fully paid off 2000 Jeep Cherokee. My concern when parking is whether the cars on either side have left enough space for me to park and get out without dinging anyone. Sam has one of those silly Porsche SUV things and he insists on parking it out in the middle of BFE so no one dings him. Oh but not too far away because then someone might hit it cutting through the parking lot. Is there a space way out in BFE near a curb or something so it isn't a cut through - good then that's where he will park.
Then I more or less lost interest and started skimming.
I did wonder how you knew exactly where to go on your hunter gatherer shopping trips, but not enough to actually comment on it.
More general slams on half the population of the planet
and there you go: 0 rating: attn ghey menz
get it now?
Here if you feel like retaliating, I did a male vs. female post once myself: http://www.ubersite.com/m/25265
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-01-24 17:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This really is so true. I also remember why I hate shopping within minutes of entering a store. I wish someone would invent human-style blinders you could put on people who meander through stores. When my boyfriend and I go shopping, I'm the one who has to stay focused so we may have hopes of leaving the store in under 30 minutes.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2006-01-24 17:11:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
God damn loki, I must have really hit a nerve. You didn't quit smoking, did you? There must be some LOGICAL explanation, after all I wouldn't want to insinuate that it's that time of the month or anything.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-24 17:10:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2006-01-24 17:10:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-24 17:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
maybe you just need a good cry
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-24 17:09:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
feel better now
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-24 17:08:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pussy
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2006-01-24 17:07:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dang, -2ing me for someone else's comments, that's foul. HA!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-24 17:04:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:21:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Rut-ro, Raggy. You just pushed loki's man-hate button.
-----------------
Now isn't that typical. My not caring for the obvious low hanging fruit that is a bash on some stereotypical female versus male trait and the instant assumption is that I am a man hater.
Is that a rational or logical conclusion?
1. Person A writes some lame crap about womenz and shopping
2. Person B reads lame crap and calls it lame crap
3. Person B must be a man hating, hairy legged, lesbo bitch
QED
Submitted by SadClown (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:57:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:53:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*write... DOH!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:47:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh come on loki, this is your opportunity to right a scathing post about males and channel flipping!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:26:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
there was a blonde and she wasn't feeling so good in the mornings, hungry for weird food, generally achy and crampy so she went to the doctor's. well he runs a test on her and bingo she's pregnant and he tells her and she starts crying and crying. he told her not to worry, and she just goes, "are you sure it's mine?"
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:23:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a often discussed topic but it's so fucking true i have to give it a 2.
Submitted by DrRobertHand (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:23:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I won't even go to the grocery store with my girlfriend. I call it the Grocery Extravaganza.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:21:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rut-ro, Raggy. You just pushed loki's man-hate button.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:18:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
would have been better had you focused more on different situations where wo men are illogical, and not just on shopping.
there is little i hate more in the world than the absense of reason and logic.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:18:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
now do some pregnancy jokes or maybe a few pms one liners
oh I know a blond joke, we haven't had any good blond jokes in a while
here I'll get you started, "my wife is so blond that even though she's pregnant, she still gets pms."
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:16:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
True enough, but part of every wannabe standup's 15 minutes on airplanes, women, and cats vs dogs.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:13:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well true.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:12:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
After all, there is just something creepy about a guy standing in Victoria's for an hour or so rifling through women's underwear.
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What? What are you looking at me for?
You want to get out of there? Go try some bras on, it's remarkable how quick you'll be out of there.
(of course, in my case, they already have my size ready, but hey, that's just me.)
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:09:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
attn ghey menz
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:08:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
idiot women shop like that, just like idiot men in the tool section of sears. unfortunatley sweeping generalizations are there because there were enough people to make it mostly true.
my mom shops like that. my brother actually dropped to his knees and said praise jesus when i got her out of the grocery store in under 20 minutes. i guess i shop like a guy.
Submitted by Broken_Bird (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:07:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amen!!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:06:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Truth.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:02:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh how I love sweeping generalizations.
*sigh*
Well written, though.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:00:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Besides, none of that would be necessary if they would simply put the 36 D's in the bin marked "36 D," but that would be too logical.
+1 for that... i was just there this weekend and WTF?? nothing is EVAR in the right bin. fuckers.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:59:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, what can I say, it's something that everyone can relate to...like anything else, why is it amusing? Because it's true!!! It may be beating a dead horse but dammit something needs to be said!
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:57:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What jeeannaee said.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:55:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:55:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:54:29 (#)
Ranking: 1
Cute, but not super-original subject matter.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:55:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate shopping.
And I tend to see males shopping for parking spaces more often than females.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:54:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Cute, but not super-original subject matter.