old man with the plan (640 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.63 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nahnoneofit (View user info) at 2006-01-20 07:55:15 EST
Last year year during the summer, I worked at a small print shop two blocks away from my house. Every morning I would run to work, I figured maybe if I get some regular cardiovascular excersize it might counteract the pack of cigarettes a day. On the way I would go by this apartment complex, where this old man would be sitting in his underwear on a stoop, in a lawn chair. Everyday the old man was there. he would wave, I would wave back, but I never actcually started a conversation with him, for I was usually late to work by the time I woke up. One morning I had a pretty gnarly hangover, but went in to work anyway. When I got there I damn near barfed on my boss's shoes and he told me to go home. so I'm walking home, and again I pass the old man, who happens to be dressed for a change.
old guy: Hey, you don't look so good.
me: yea I'm pretty hungover, got sent home from work.
old guy: thats rough, when I'm hungover I usually smoke some pot.
me: I fuckin' wish I had some.
We get into a generic conversation about good weed and bad weed, this and that, 'till I had to take a shit. I ask if I could use his bathroom. He says okay, and to my suprise doesnt follow me up the stairs into his house. So I do my business, come out of the bathroom and the guys in his living room. "wanna smoke a bowl?". "Sure, thats awfully nice of you" I say. I sit down in a lazy boy across the room from him. Theres a poker game on tv. He leans across the room and hands me the coolest fucking bowl I've ever laid eyes upon, It's a small peice of a deer antler that hit so smooth it wasnt funny. I hit it and go to pass it back to him and he says "ohh you dont want me to smoke that, it makes me horny. taken aback, I slowly start to realize the reality of the situation.
this old queer is trying to seduce me with drugs.
old guy: So you want a beer?
me: No, I'm hungover, remember? (youre not getting me fucking drunk and stoned and fucking me, queerbag.)
As i finish the contents of the bowl,I try to think of a polite way to leave, I'm a dumbass when it comes to that shit. No matter what I can't ever spit in the face of hospitality. On the other hand I'm not about to sit here and get hit on by an old gay man.
old guy: so you wanna watch a movie?
me: Im actually enjoying this poker game.
we get into a gay-free conversation about poker, and watch the game for a bit. After a few more bowls I decide it's time to go. He must've sensed my nearing departure, because he got up without saying a word, went into some room, came out in his underwear, video tape in hand. I sit up, put my hands on the arms of the couch and sigh, you know, that "well, time to get goin" posture.
me: well, I'm gonna get goin, thanks for the smoke.
old guy in his underwear: wait, c'mon watch the movie with me.
he puts the tape in the vcr, its a porno.
me: nah man this really ain't my thing, thanks for the weed though, cya.
as I start for the door: WAIT, want a blowjob?
...
I'm fucking high as hell, in a strange apartment and this old guy in his underwear just asked me if I want a blowjob. the worst part is for a split second, I scratched my chin and was like "hmmmm, I do enjoy blowjo-NO FUCK THAT HES A GUY, AN OLD GUY.the whole situation dawned on me and I just burst out laughing, and go out the door. as Im opening the lobby door he yells from the top of the stairs "goddamnit you dont understand, I NEED IT. I NEED IT." I had to stop and catch my breath a few times on the walk home, just from laughing so hard.
I've since lost that job, but occasionally I still see him out there. One time as I was jogging by he yelled to me, I looked over and he threw me a pack of cigarettes. without skipping a beat I just nodded and kept jogging. In a way I feel bad for people like that, must be lonley. But honestly, if he didnt ask me for sexual favors I would make it a point to go chill with him, just to keep my karma up. oh well.
At any rate, here's me on my seventeenth birthday:
User Reviews
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:38:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Should have told him you would take him up on the blowjob offer, but only if he took his teeth out for you.
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2006-01-20 11:26:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There comes a time in every young lad's life where an old man propositions him for sex.
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2006-01-20 09:45:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-01-20 09:04:08 (#)
Ranking: 1
HAHAHAHA that's funny. How long did it take to get that shit off your face?
----------
I woke up at six am to the host of the party rushing everyone out the door, with a wicked hangover.
I was walking downtown back to my house with no shirt when I realized I was all written on. I had to walk into a dunkin donuts (which was packed because it was six in the morning) and clean myself up in the bathroom. then I bought a sausage egg and cheese sandwhich, soaking wet and shirtless. Took about half an hour to get it all off.
I rule.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-20 09:42:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You should've taken his bag and ran.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-20 09:31:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bwahahahaha!
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-20 09:22:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cool story
EXERCISE that's the way to spell it.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-20 09:17:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha
good one..
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-01-20 09:04:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
HAHAHAHA that's funny. How long did it take to get that shit off your face?
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2006-01-20 08:57:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-01-20 08:34:51 (#)
Ranking: 1
It's funny, you clearly act like you're not gay in the post yet on your face in the picture it says "Dick is Yummy". What are we to make of that? By the way, how was the BJ?
======================
I didn't have much say on what was written on my as I lay passed out on the couch after funneling a twelve pack....
And I'm not even going to validate the latter question with a response.
all I'm gonna say is teeth are a funny thing, you dont really realize whats its like without them 'till theyre not there.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-01-20 08:34:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It's funny, you clearly act like you're not gay in the post yet on your face in the picture it says "Dick is Yummy". What are we to make of that? By the way, how was the BJ?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-20 08:32:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-20 08:25:42 (#)
Ranking: 1
Hah, can't believe you thought about it.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-20 08:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hah, can't believe you thought about it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-20 08:14:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Sounds gay.
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2006-01-20 08:07:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
btw, yes, I'm that guy.
Submitted by Stuch (user info) at 2006-01-20 07:58:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmm...