Mother fucking stupid-ass advertising (A low-budget, wildly rantastic, Chroniclysmic production) (1502 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Chronic (View user info) at 2006-01-13 04:01:48 EST
I'm completely sick and tired of advertising in the United States. 90% of the bullshit marketing I see enacted on TV is some combination of inane, thoughtless, closed-minded, bland, horseshit. What the hell has happened to originality? Did it ever exist? I would like to think it didn't because its demise would be unjustifiable, but the lack of its existence could be written off as poor choices by old white ignorant fat fuck ups.
In one night, stoned, by myself, I could come up with a profoundly more interesting and attention-grabbing marketing campaign for virtually any company that uses television commercials. I need the name of the product, its function, its history, the target demographic, some paper, and a goddamn pencil. I guaran-fucking-tee it. Let me bring in a few of my friends with a case of beer, and I assure that we'll win the Commercial Campaign of the Year award, if it even exists. I would assume it exists, but if it doesn't, maybe that would be a good place to start. AWARD PEOPLE THAT DON'T SUCK! Make marketing a freelance profession instead of have 3 million dollars of salary earmarked for the brain-dead assholes in a marketing department that sit in their cubicles jerking off to Internet porn until the clock strikes 5. If marketing was freelance, companies would be approached with creative ideas instead of listening to the same assholes spew out just enough crap to keep their jobs.
Example:
Marketing Analyst: "Oh noes, our competitor came out with a razor with 3 blades and a grip that the hip youngins think is "cool"."
Marketing Manager: "Up the R&D funding! Man the battle stations! Get the engineers! What do we do???"
Some idiot: "Uh...how about a fourth blade and a cooler grip and some fancy sounds on the commercial?"
Marketing Manager: "Brilliant! Launch it!"
Me: "Uhh, maybe there's a better way to go."
Marketing Manager: "FIRED! FOUR BLADES DAMMIT!"
Seriously, what in the goddamn hell? Think outside the fucking box for 3 fucking seconds. And for Christ's sake, don't just put lightning on the box and call it XTREME. The next fucking time I see something marketed as XTREME, I'm gonna strangle a small woodland creature. Corporate America, be on notice. I WILL STRANGLE A SMALL WOODLAND CREATURE! Everything's XTREME these days! XTREME Doritos! XTREME shampoo! XTREME batteries! XTREME Colostomy bags! Enough of this shit. It's not edgy, you fucktards. It sucks. It was edgy one goddamn time, 10 goddamn years ago.
BLERRRAAAAGGGHHHH!
*breathes*
Okay, let's finally talk about what fueled this rage. Virtually everyone has seen the new Nike campaign featuring "The Lebrons." It depicts 4 different characters, all played by Lebron James, who represent the different psychological sides of the current superstar (and eventual legend). In all honesty, it's a clever campaign. It's not mind-blowing, but it's so much exceptionally better than the rest of the shit on TV that it comes off as funny, unique, and pretty cool.
What did Adidas do after seeing this? They went out, hired Kevin Garnett, and used the SAME EXACT FUCKING IDEA, except there's 5 KGs. Are you fucking kidding me? You're a multi-billion dollar company. All Day I Dream About Sports, huh? Maybe, just maybe, all day someone should be dreaming about MARKETING or if you want to keep closer to the original acronym, maybe someone should dream all day about $, the MOTHERFUCKING DOLLAR! What braindead schmuck even suggested this campaign? More importantly, who the hell decided to fund it? I don't want to know for any reason other than I would push a shopping cart full of retarded toddlers off a fucking cliff for a job where I could get paid out my ass to suggest random superstars and then use the same exact fucking campaign as our biggest competitor. Hell, I can do that job in my underwear, from my computer at home, while telling people to suck a fat one on Ubersite.
I don't know a single damn person who doesn't see this "campaign" and say, "Didn't Nike do that with King James?" Yes, yes they certainly did. Is it somehow better because there's 5 now instead of just a measly insignificant 4? Or maybe it's just better because it's XTREME!!!
FUCK YOU, ADIDAS!
User Reviews
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-01-14 17:05:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"new and improved" is always a nice phrase to see stamped on something, also, because how can it be improved if it is new? what is there to improve upon if it has not existed before?
And, Chroniclysm, here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/41008
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-14 03:33:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck Xtreme.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-01-13 19:41:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I can't stand the Xtreme bullshit either. Is it so fucking had to write the e at the beginning of extreme? And it's not extreme anyway! It's usually the exact same product with a different package.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-13 15:12:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I resent the assumption.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-01-13 11:39:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I think you need to get laid.
No, really. That kind of frustration will cause you to go blind or implode. Or both.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-13 11:29:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Consider this an Xtreme +2.
Why Xtreme? Because I've got a 12 gauge stud in my cock right now and I'm shitting berries onto the Mona Lisa AS WE SPEAK.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:12:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Chrontastic!
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-01-13 09:00:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The 18-30 year old morons that make up the majority of this site are to blame for this shit. Turn off your big screen idiot box and shut your tongue hole.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-01-13 07:33:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Adidas stopped being cool when RUN-DMC did the "Walk This Way" video with Aerosmith. It was that exact moment.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-01-13 07:13:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-01-13 06:35:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck advertising. It's the most worthless profession next to saftey personel.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2006-01-13 05:18:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hear hear
Submitted by Placid (user info) at 2006-01-13 05:07:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-13 04:26:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Then again maybe KG does consider himself a gladiator and a comedian and a hero, in which case the ad concept is the same and I am giving him way too much credit. But the closing of "Impossible is nothing" makes me infer that the commercial is about possibilities, implying that with adidas there is no telling what you might be able to do.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-13 04:23:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I think they are different. Lebron's ad is supposed to advertise all the different aspect of his personality. KG's is purely all of the other things he could do, and that nothing is impossible.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-13 04:13:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I did a post when I was slightly intoxicated called Action Man Suicide which was about a mint ad from Capcom. It had loads of old toys, like barbie and action man, ending themselves to really haunting music.
You don't know what's going on till then end where Action Man is staring into a mirror with a gun to his head. He pulls the trigger and with a bang everything goes black, then the logo just comes up "Capcom". It never got aired, unfortunatly, but I swear to God I'll never forget that brand after seeing that.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-01-13 04:08:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i wanna be black so i can pay $175.00 for a pair of shoes that cost $3.00 'landed' @ Long Beach