I love what you do for me (862 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.16 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dino Lamino <minimumdino.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-01-10 19:48:39 EST
Don't funnel and drive.
Trust me on this one, I know there are so many people out there, "oh, I handle my booze! YAH IM SO BADASS! I CAN DRIVE WHENEVER I WANT!.." I know cause I am one of those.... Before MADD floods my email, let me tell you: ever since this happened, I never got drunk and drove again. Just really, really, buzzed, but.. this was bad. I was drunk. No doubt.
Flash back to November... and you live in a house. Four guys. Me and my friend get the whole back of the house. The setup kinda sucks cause to get to my bedroom u gotta go through my friends room, but I'd rather have it that way then have him walk through my room (guess why... no naked friend please) At this time of our lives, we got laid. All.. the fucking.. time. Alcohol really smoothes things over when you have to walk through ur buddies room and watch his nuts slap against some of that asssss... well I didn't watch but I guess it livens the mood for myself and whoever stayed over that nite... sometimes we would swap (hehe I miss the single life...)
We hadn't had the sky shit four feet of white that early in the winter yet, so summer kinda just lost its warmth and turned to a chilly fall... it got colder, but the weather was pretty much nice. Not too cold to go out... especially after a good ol funnel or two of some Bud.
Or more.
Let's just say , you get out of work at five, its November, and you live on a man made island called Cape Cod. What is there to do, my friends? What else other than... pick up a 30 rack.. roll a blunt.. and start dialing for d cups. Well around 7 oclock this evening, I am starting to feel right because all the oxygenated liquor is flying through my system like an asian tsunami. I must've funnelled about 7 or 8 beers, not sure cause when you start drinking before people come over, there's no one to keep track... but I wanted to go to the fucking bar. Why? Because.. no good reason.
Fast forward to TGI fridays. Fast forward cause theres some holes in my memory at this point... but let's just say a long island and a couple MORE beers later, I float over to my car and follow my buddy out to.. I can't even fucking remember. I just bought my car with the stick, and I thought i was sooo cool cause my grandpa mobile has the Scion TC motor with the five speed, that I shoudl DEFINITELY race a turbo GTI. I mean, my car is heavier, so it will go faster once it gets up to speed right? Obviously that makes no sense but i was shittttttted...
The Fridays parking lot turns into Sears, and then ends up behind a liquor store that gives me shit every time i try to buy booze with people in the car. Connecting the Sears lot to the liquor store is a small section of pavement, about three feet long but at a near 45 degree angle...
Well back to leaving Fridays, we spin through a couple gears into the Sears lot and right around that liquor store.. cause I am oh so smart.... my buddy goes straight around the JUMP and i go straight ON... so 3500 pounds in the air later, my front end touches down. Mind you, there are five people in this car. Three chicks, a dude, an a drunk. Not everyone had drinks at fridays, so we had a nice big 30 pack (another one, not the same one at the house.) We all have a beer to sip on, and sip we did, cause when your fucking car flies in the air, so does all the objects in it. Including the contents within. Fuck.
Yeah so I have no idea where my racing buddy went. My lap is splashed on, not soaked, but i definitely have a new scent on my pants. Yeast yummmy... my buddy in the car drops down like a mexican crossing the border and searches for his half ounce, rolling around under of the seats. Rolling cause i took off. I cut out the liquor store parking lot, chirp second, bang a right, and bang an immediate left, right in front of a car coming my way (stupid mistake #2). At this point, I am driving pretty regularly.. just much faster than usual. I was voted worst driver in my class for the wrong reasons... its not that im bad, i just take.. a lot.. of chances.
Well my cell phone rings, but I ignore it. I gotta get back to the house before the other kid does! Turns out I shouldve answered... cause right around 55 in a 30 I look in the rear view.. are those crown vic lights? no way. they cant be cause im so sure... oh wait im drunk. Yes.. they are cop lights... yes, those are blue lights.. yes, im fucked.
Oh yeah, the girls can go to war and die for their country, but they cant buy a beer at the store. Yep, underage. "At least I won't get a statuatory rape charge.." i mumble in my drunkedness. Makes no sense but it did at the time. Of course, I stop. But not before <a.> the 30 pack somehow gets stuffed under a 100 pound chick <b.> i stick my beer first in the center console (brilliant), then the floor under my right leg <c.> weed gets stuffed in the shoe, everyone shuts the fuck up.
At this point I'm not ready, but willing to receive an OUI. I figure yep, all these years of fuckin around, driving around trippin sack, its caught up with me. Up walks Mr. Law.... thank god, he looks like he was in my school. Maybe a few grades below me.. rookie yaah. (im 23 btw).
"Do you know why I stopped you?"
I was driving stupid (honesty ,with a little lack of dignity, goes a long way)
"Yeah well.. I saw your front tires come off the ground... you didn't stop at the liquor store.. you almost ran a car head on.. then it took me two miles to catch up with you." (FUCK WHY DIDNT I ANSWER MY PHONE- MY RACIN BUDDY WAS TRYING TO WARN ME. I could've been soo gone if I'd known he was following...i guess he flew around my buddy to catch me. fuckin rookie.)
....and I think.. ok.. He didnt see the beers.. he didnt ID anyone... I gave him my license... registration.. oh shit.. what now? He comes back..
"Have you had anything to drink today?"
(Uh im COCKED COCKED COCKED) I had a beer after work and now I'm going home.
"Where do you live?"
Right off of Gosnold Street, first right from Sea Street. ( fuck i slurred)
"Be right back.. ur license checks clean.."
He took too long this time. Fuck, he's calling another cruiser. He knows I'm cocked (Yeah this might not go this way with a real OUI but unlike some of you I'm a virgin to the OUI. I dunno how they check ur shit.) He comes back with a ticket.. for reckless driving .. thank goooood..
Uhh sir, I said I live OFF gosnold, not ON gosnold (I read off the ticket)
"I FUCKING ASKED YOU WHERE YOU LIVED, WHERE DO YOU LIVE? THIS ADDRESS BETTER CHECK OUT!"
(Retard.. I tell him. Not that hes retarded, but the real address.)
I get a ticket for reckless driving. I thank .. I don't know who to thank.. no one should help anyone get off an OUI. I desrved to get FUCKED! Funniest part is... the cop wrote over the ticket he first issued, and scratched out the address with the real one. So i get a phone call to go to the station and get a new ticket... HAHAHAHAHAH oh my fucking god.
Mail me one.
User Reviews
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2006-03-26 22:19:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
L-L-LAZER B-B-BEAM
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-19 14:08:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-01-13 12:06:38 (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-11 19:52:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:03:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:38:50 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:24:42 (#)
Ranking: -2
Go spam my posts bitch.
=-=-==-
when you get this kind of response, it should tell you something.
namely, you suck.
Submitted by podium (user info) at 2006-01-14 23:47:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-01-13 12:06:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-11 19:52:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:03:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:38:50 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:24:42 (#)
Ranking: -2
Go spam my posts bitch.
=-=-==-
when you get this kind of response, it should tell you something.
namely, you suck.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-12 09:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 19:46:48 (#)
Ranking: -2
what kind of sledgehammer should I use?
------------------
I've got a twenty pound number that should do the job nicely. Stop by, I'll give you some pointers.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-01-12 07:46:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
So, what have we learned here? Don't spam people's posts, because it just betrays you as a petty, childish Internet troll with too much time on their hands.
Also, go fuck yourself.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-11 20:54:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a very courteous alter, you leave a seperate comment with each -2.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-11 19:52:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:03:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:38:50 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:24:42 (#)
Ranking: -2
Go spam my posts bitch.
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 19:46:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2006-01-11 19:02:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually... it was a 1.07 after the first time, too. You did nothing except help me out. And once you get banned, you jackass, the ratings will go right back to how they were. Go find some new way to get your revenge, since you've already failed once.
****
Funny #1- Dino doesn't care.
Funny #2- My boredom to you is revenge... ok. I did get revenge.
Your pissed. Hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Thanks, till next time...
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2006-01-11 19:02:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually... it was a 1.07 after the first time, too. You did nothing except help me out. And once you get banned, you jackass, the ratings will go right back to how they were. Go find some new way to get your revenge, since you've already failed once.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-11 18:21:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Please release your brain from your head with a sledgehammer. That's all. Thanks.
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 17:48:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! Puberty had zero effect on your penis size. Splendid toddler dick!
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:36:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
HAHA! Your last round of spam had zero effect on my rating. I love it.
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:31:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Spam my posts, too, you insecure faggot.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:28:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I love you.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:12:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I hear someone has a sandy vagina in these parts.
Is it you? Are they your parts?
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:03:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:38:50 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:24:42 (#)
Ranking: -2
Go spam my posts bitch.
--------
Oh, wait, you already did. Fucker.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:38:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:24:42 (#)
Ranking: -2
Go spam my posts bitch.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:38:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
why have you posted this shit 5 times?
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:24:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Go spam my posts bitch.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:22:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck you, HomoNerdDipshit.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:15:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...Once you spam once, the ratings don't count. So thanks for the hits once again!
Submitted by zerosx (user info) at 2006-01-11 06:09:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Class act, well worth a good read. Made me chuckle and remimded me of the golden days when my licence was all fucked up and the feds still didn't have clue; ohh those were the days......
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-11 05:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
These stories never have enough pathos.
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2006-01-10 23:07:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hard to follow and lots of intentionall spelling mistakes, but a good story
make it easier to read next time
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-10 23:06:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Dino Lamino is the dickshine du jour
He's the fresh new disease, and I know not of a cure,
There is one thing I know, and of this I am sure:
Dino Lamino really needs to get curbed.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2006-01-10 22:50:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Shut The Fuck Up.
Any questions? See above.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2006-01-10 20:17:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You already spammed me; how're ya gonna get back at me for this one?