New Years Resolution (Top Ten) (1397 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.95 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Xcuses (View user info) at 2006-01-02 09:50:43 EST
We need another assholes new years resolution like we need another reality tv show. With that in mind, I bring you...ta da- My New Years resolutions!
DO MORE DRUGS
2005 was an off year for me. None of the usual: cocaine, ectasy, or roofies entered my body, but it's a whole new year and a whole new me. What, with all the problems in the world today, I'm much more likey to die from a Tsunami or shall I say, terrorist attack in my local mall, then from a drug overdose. I hate to say it but... needs more drugs!
KILL A MAN
Nothing shouts, "I'm a tough guy" more than actually going out and killing a guy. Sure I could easily peg off a child or two but really, where's the challange in that. Nope, I want to kill me a nice big scary looking dude (don't worry Badass, you're still safe). At least then I could say we have one less scary looking guy in this world. I'm doing it for you ladies, you can thank me later.
RAPE A HOTTIE
I'm not talking date rape, that's too easy........err, I've heard. I'm really going to be smart about it, very thourough. There will be sufficient stalking, possibly some verbal communication that might just come across as flirting. Just know this, at the end of the day, your ass is getting rapped. I don't mean literally your ass, although it depends on my mood, but rest assured it's gonna happen. I'd say, 'take it like a man' but that just comes across sounding gey.
KNOCK A BITCH UP
This is much different than getting a lady friend preg-o. I'm doing this for an entirely more legitimate reason, I want to make sure my boys can swim. I'm starting to think I have african american sperm...and I don't like it one bit. I'm on a mission and no better time like the present!
DATE AN UBERWOMENZ
I'm longing for someone to post something on my behalf entitled, "I don't love you anymore, and I never did"
WRITE AN ACTUAL B@W POST
On second thought, too much pressure. People would start expecting every piece of shit I post to smell like roses. Oh noes, I'm not falling into that trap. Nope, from here on out it's shit piece after shit piece...just like you've come to expect.
POST MORE POETRY
Need I say more?
REVEAL MY TRUE IDENTITY
OK, so here is the truth. I'm actually five foot two, three hundred and sixty pounds, and I've never kissed a girl before in my life. Oh, and I have a major acne problem. What can I say, I'm an internet geek, just like you!
DONATE TO MY FAVORITE CHARITY
-Displaced New Orleans Strippers Union Fund-
seems like a worthy cause to me
EMAIL ALL MY EX'S MORE
This is a good idea, isn't it :)
I'm sure all the woman I used to date, fuck, and care about (what? I cared about some of them) would love to hear from me. I mean, who wouldn't? Nothing says, 'Welcome in New Year' like an email from an ex saying, "I miss smacking your ass"
__________________________________________________
Well that wraps it up for me. Hope everyone has an equally productive list as I have made. Here's some good news to sheer. I got laid last night. Well.....it was only one of those silly Hawaiian flowery necklaces, but you gotta start somewhere.
User Reviews
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2007-02-09 18:58:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do less drugs
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-01-20 21:57:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's important to have a healthy appreciation for one's self.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2007-01-20 21:15:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Still one of my favorites.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-05-21 14:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still think this is one of my better posts. Well, I laugh anyway.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-03-03 18:15:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
New Year is treating me quite well
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:46:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-01-22 19:50:35 (#)
Ranking: 10
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I did buddy ol pal!
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Thanks for the ranking
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-01-22 19:50:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-22 19:25:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-03 18:25:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
None of my internet friends read my posts anymore
*throws helmet at computer screen*
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I did buddy ol pal!
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-01-22 19:48:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-22 19:42:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's good to have goals. Never lose sight of them, especially when they involve drugs and debauchery.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-22 19:25:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-03 18:25:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
None of my internet friends read my posts anymore
*throws helmet at computer screen*
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-07 12:22:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Football season begins...
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2006-01-07 00:04:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i got to DO MORE DRUGS and decided this was quality shit.
+10 if i could
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-03 18:25:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
None of my internet friends read my posts anymore
*throws helmet at computer screen*
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-01-03 02:08:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DONATE TO MY FAVORITE CHARITY
-Displaced New Orleans Strippers Union Fund-
seems like a worthy cause to me
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2006-01-03 01:42:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhh, self depreciating humor, still funny when done right. Tastes like chicken.
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2006-01-03 01:15:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-02 16:06:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2006-01-02 16:02:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
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MY UBER CAREER HAS BEGUN!
no comment :(
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dude... It's like you've just been christened with holy water.
No, wait, that would probably scald your skin.
Submitted by evolved (user info) at 2006-01-03 01:05:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like a plan..
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-02 18:53:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shmee51 (user info) at 2006-01-02 18:50:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahahaha... and hey, you could mix three or four of those all in one night.
Step 1: Hit up on some E
Step 2: Kill a man to steal his woman
Step 3: Rape the bitch
Step 4: Knock her up
Step 5: Take her cash and give it to your charity
shit that's half your resolutions in one fucking night!
-------------------
sounds like a good night to me
whatcha doin' next thur?
Submitted by Shmee51 (user info) at 2006-01-02 18:50:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahahaha... and hey, you could mix three or four of those all in one night.
Step 1: Hit up on some E
Step 2: Kill a man to steal his woman
Step 3: Rape the bitch
Step 4: Knock her up
Step 5: Take her cash and give it to your charity
shit that's half your resolutions in one fucking night!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-02 18:47:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
needs more rape?
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-02 16:23:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
party time for ghola
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-02 16:19:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-02 14:40:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-02 11:56:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Anyone actually at work today?
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and i'm miserable.
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home for the day
fell asleep on couch and the let me leave.
o yes.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-02 16:06:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2006-01-02 16:02:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
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MY UBER CAREER HAS BEGUN!
no comment :(
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2006-01-02 16:02:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2006-01-02 15:59:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-02 11:56:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Anyone actually at work today?
---------------
not yet.
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2006-01-02 15:53:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-02 14:40:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-02 11:56:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Anyone actually at work today?
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and i'm miserable.
+++++++++++++++++++++
HAHAHAHAHA! I thought I did have to work today and woke up 3 hours late. I immediately called, and the boss was there, but he said it was a holiday anyway. Fuckin lucked out on that one.
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2006-01-02 15:50:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well! Probably won't be as much neon, plastic, and debauchery, but it should still be fun. Have a good time. And post pics here.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-02 15:48:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry kenny, not this time. Going to Isreal later in the year that will eat up most of my vacation time.
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2006-01-02 15:46:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hells yes! All you forgot was DRINK AND DIAL MORE. You are coming to Vegas, right? I'd like to help you fulfill some of these noble aspirations.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-02 15:25:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry ghola, that sucks. I don't think I would have been productive today
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-02 14:40:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-02 11:56:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Anyone actually at work today?
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and i'm miserable.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-01-02 12:36:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha good luck excuses!
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-01-02 12:24:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That's the spirit! Aim low and you won't be disappointed.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-01-02 12:18:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am and it sucks hoss balls.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-02 11:56:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Anyone actually at work today?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-02 11:00:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
best list o resolutions ever.
EVER
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-02 10:43:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mine is to spend less time acrewing around on the internet, which is kind of ironic really.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-02 10:37:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like some good plans! I'm going with the traditional "to lose weight" New Year's motif. My job is having a sort of Biggest Loser competition. The prize is $500! Woo hoo! I NEED to win that.
Submitted by Zol (user info) at 2006-01-02 10:28:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-01-02 09:58:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I aspire to be like you.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-02 09:55:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sheer = share in some languages
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-02 09:55:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh for the love...
That review was missing something, something that rhymes with shrinkdoor.
Let's try that again:
I've got $7 taken care of already: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81773
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-02 09:53:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got #7 taken care of already.
And I'm pretty sure if I play my cards right that I could satisfy 3, 4, 5 and 10 in the span of a few weeks.
Happy New Year, meatgazer.