New Years resolutioin (Top 10) (554 hits)
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Submitted by Xcuses (View user info) at 2006-01-02 09:49:46 EST
We need another assholes new years resolution like we need another reality tv show. With that in mind, I bring you...ta da- My New Years resolutions!
DO MORE DRUGS
2005 was an off year for me. None of the usual: cocaine, ectasy, or roofies entered my body, but it's a whole new year and a whole new me. What, with all the problems in the world today, I'm much more likey to die from a Tsunami or shall I say, terrorist attack in my local mall, then from a drug overdose. I hate to say it but... needs more drugs!
KILL A MAN
Nothing shouts, "I'm a tough guy" more than actually going out and killing a guy. Sure I could easily peg off a child or two but really, where's the challange in that. Nope, I want to kill me a nice big scary looking dude (don't worry Badass, you're still safe). At least then I could say we have one less scary looking guy in this world. I'm doing it for you ladies, you can thank me later.
RAPE A HOTTIE
I'm not talking date rape, that's too easy........err, I've heard. I'm really going to be smart about it, very thourough. There will be sufficient stalking, possibly some verbal communication that might just come across as flirting. Just know this, at the end of the day, your ass is getting rapped. I don't mean literally your ass, although it depends on my mood, but rest assured it's gonna happen. I'd say, 'take it like a man' but that just comes across sounding gey.
KNOCK A BITCH UP
This is much different than getting a lady friend preg-o. I'm doing this for an entirely more legitimate reason, I want to make sure my boys can swim. I'm starting to think I have african american sperm...and I don't like it one bit. I'm on a mission and no better time like the present!
DATE AN UBERWOMENZ
I'm longing for someone to post something on my behalf entitled, "I don't love you anymore, and I never did"
WRITE AN ACTUAL B@W POST
On second thought, too much pressure. People would start expecting every piece of shit I post to smell like roses. Oh noes, I'm not falling into that trap. Nope, from here on out it's shit piece after shit piece...just like you've come to expect.
POST MORE POETRY
Need I say more?
REVEAL MY TRUE IDENTITY
OK, so here is the truth. I'm actually five foot two, three hundred and sixty pounds, and I've never kissed a girl before in my life. Oh, and I have a major acne problem. What can I say, I'm an internet geek, just like you!
DONATE TO MY FAVORITE CHARITY
-Displaced New Orleans Strippers Union Fund-
seems like a worthy cause to me
EMAIL ALL MY EX'S MORE
This is a good idea, isn't it :)
I'm sure all the woman I used to date, fuck, and care about (what? I cared about some of them) would love to hear from me. I mean, who wouldn't? Nothing says, 'Welcome in New Year' like an email from an ex saying, "I miss smacking your ass"
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Well that wraps it up for me. Hope everyone has an equally productive list as I have made. Here's some good news to sheer. I got laid last night. Well.....it was only one of those silly Hawaiian flowery necklaces, but you gotta start somewhere.
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