Uncle's 'Roommate' Doubted (1029 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.52 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike00295 (View user info) at 2005-12-28 15:05:57 EST
I'm reaching way back into my vault of shit for this one. I was inspired to post this here because of all of the family I was forced to spend time with last week for the holidays. I wrote it a while ago as a joke for a friend. But after this past weekend...I think it may hit a little closer to home. I think my uncle may have switched teams. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Oh well.
Happy New Year's you limey bastards. I'm off work for the next 5 days. GO IRISH.
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Teenage brothers Nick and Justin Slogar of North Royalton recently announced that they no longer accept the claim that their Uncle Matt's omnipresent friend Steven is merely his roommate.
"I have to admit, I did buy into the whole "friend" thing for a while, 14 year old Nick revealed, "I mean when you're a kid, you don't question that kind of shit. But I'm at the point now where it's like, all right, let's all just drop the act and accept that Uncle Matt's a pole-smoker."
Slogar's uncle, personal trainer Matthew Klein, has been sharing a condominium with "friend" Steven Bragalone for over five years. Bragalone, a manager of the Great Northern Mall "Structure" store, has attended nearly every Slogar family function held over the past five years including holidays, funerals, and graduations.
"Steven's a nice enough dude", said 13-year-old Justin, "He always gets me something for my birthday, which is pretty cool of him. But it's always something weird and kind of fruity. Last year he got me a globe."
The brothers first became suspicious of their Uncle's sexuality in July of 2004 when the entire family went on vacation to Myrtle Beach. Steven accompanied them on the trip. Nick recalled the events vividly: "Steven and Uncle Matt shared a hide-a-bed in the basement of the beach house we rented, even though there was a perfectly good sofa bed in the living room. That's when we were like, whoa...who sleeps with another dude if you have the option not too? I guess that's what really sealed the deal for us and proved that Uncle Matt was as queer as a dog sweater."
It seems that the only family member who has not come to terms with Klein's blatant lifestyle choice is his sister, Nick's mother Joan.
"I think it's nice that Matt has a roommate", the delusional Joan said, "I just wish he'd find a nice girl and settle down. He's going to make a great catch for someone because he's a wonderful cook and he's very artistic." she cluelessly continued. "I can only imagine what that apartment of theirs' is like on the weekends with those two swinging bachelors cavorting around. If those walls could talk!"
"Mom's still in denial", Justin said, "It's kind of sad, because none of us could give less of a shit that Uncle Matt digs cock, but I guess she's got some issues with it."
"I don't know what more evidence she needs", added Nick, "I mean, last year they sent out Christmas cards with a picture of the two of them barefoot next to the fireplace. Its just time to deal with the fact that Uncle Matt likes the hog. And if that's his thing, more power to him."
User Reviews
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-03-28 18:31:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2005-12-29 08:03:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"...as queer as a dog sweater"
Classic.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-29 04:23:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Onion boy
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2005-12-29 03:41:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Stolen Post! http://www.ubersite.com/m/81177
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-29 01:18:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
drunk +2
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-12-28 20:09:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
woot!
north royalton
Submitted by Clark_Kent (user info) at 2005-12-28 18:51:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I totally agree. Same thing happened here http://www.ubersite.com/m/81643
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-12-28 17:01:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-28 16:38:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Last year he got me a globe.
_________________
Haha
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-12-28 16:22:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"as queer as a dog sweater"
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-28 15:54:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very cool
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-28 15:54:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This post is kicking ass.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-28 15:54:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I sometimes submit random articles/posts. I have a friend who does a lot of layout work for them.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-28 15:43:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, that clears that up
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-28 15:42:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-28 15:41:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Do you work for the Onion or something?
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-28 15:12:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-28 15:11:20 (#)
Ranking: 1
Reminds me of an article from the Onion
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Because that is where I posted this back in like May or something.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-28 15:11:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Reminds me of an article from the Onion
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-28 15:10:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i have the worst gay-dar ever.
EVER.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-28 15:07:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
queer.