High School Special Education Soccer vs. My Ten-Year-Old Team (2548 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.93 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TimeCop (View user info) at 2005-12-14 23:45:42 EST
A foreword: I have had premarital sex, I don't believe in Jesus, I use drugs and I only recycle cans because I get money for them. I already know I'm most likely going to Hell. So please, this isn't even the icing on the cake. It's more like the apostrophe made of icing in "Congratulations, you're going to Hell!"
It was a fateful day, back in November of 1994, when our most excellent headcoach, Mr. Spalding, took us aside after a Thursday soccer practice and gave us the fateful news.
"Guys," he said, "we're going to have to train in a new way these next couple weeks. We're going to be playing a very, uhm, 'special' game in December. The high-schools special education class is taking part in the Special Olympics next spring, and the school , and my boss, thought it would be nice if they had a team they could scrimmage against to learn the game."
Nothing compares to the insane, maniacal laughter of 15 kids who think their coach has just made some hilarious, very un-P.C. joke. It turns out, he was serious. For some reason, it was decided that the 10-year-old county champs for coed soccer were the perfect training match-up for a group of mentally-challenged high-school athletes. For some reason, it was also decided that I was to be the one to go with the coach and meet the coach of the other team tomorrow.
The next day, my mom dropped me off at the high school during 3rd period lunch. I made my way through the halls to the special education room. It was the first high-school classroom I had ever seen, and I thought they would all be the same. This place had couches, a full kitchen, and "The Land Before Time" just finishing up on the big screen TV. "Dude, high school is going to kick bottom," I thought in my overly-cute elementary school thinking voice.
The coach introduced me to everyone and we went over the revised rules. All the normal rules of soccer (or football if you're from anywhere other than America) applied, but with a few changes. Since most of the special ed kids weren't very coordinated, there would be kick-ins instead of throw-ins. The field would be smaller to allow for the fact that most of them had short attention-spans and might not be able to dribble all the way upfield before losing interest. Physical contact was to be kept to a minimum, so slide tackling and our usual tactics were right out.
The head teacher took me aside after the talk and had a favor to ask. "The kids have been working on a project this week. They've been trying to come up with a team name and logo for their soccer team, and I told them I'd get a soccer player from the other team to judge which one was best." But she had a look in her eye that suggested something more.
I sussed it out correctly. "Let me guess. You want me to tell you which name sounds the least retarded, so we can't make fun of them?"
"Yeah, that's basically why you were brought here. Here are their projects." She then handed me a stack of about 30 pieces of paper with drawings of team mascots on them, with the team name written underneath. I pulled the out the immediate rejects.
"Ok, I'm gonna have to rule out The Wheelers, though I guess I appreciate the sense of humor. Same goes for the Spedsters. Well, that's a picture of a Lambourghini, so I'm going to guess they meant 'Speedsters.' But good drawing, though."
I easily worked my way through nearly every paper. I thought I had a winner with The Doors, thinking it was a tribute to Jim Morrison, until I realized the picture was of three doors, one a sliding patio door and the other a garage door. The leader, in a kind of bizarre, Optimus Prime way, was a fire door.
I finally settled on The Dueling Dragons. It was a pretty kick-ass picture of two dragons fighting with blood flying everywhere. "This is great, and this picture will give them some 'field' cred. I mean, I'd want to be on a team with a logo like this."
She thanked me for my help and gave me a copy to give to my dad, who had volunteered to get their uniform t-shirts printed at his distributor's shop.
It was days later, after I saw the T-shirts, that I realized my mistake.
My dad showed me the shirts which, due to cost-cutting, had been printed in black and white. Including the blood. It now looked like two dragons flailing about, with drool everywhere. "Holy crap," I thought, "they're screwed."
And thus, the Drooling Dragons Special Olympics soccer team was born.
Fast forward to a couple weeks later, the day of the first, yet soon to be only scrimmage game.
We were all warmed up on our side of the field, taking quick shots at our goalie before the game started. We were sizing up our opponents on the other side. They were actually doing way better than we expected. They were running some footwork drills up and down their side of the field when the ref called for captains.
2 minutes later, our captain, an Ecuadorian 9-year-old we called Pabs, came running back. If you're from Cherokee, you'll recognize the name. 6 years later, he became semi-famous in our county when he kicked a practice shot so hard that when the offensive coaching tried to block it, he got hit in the head and had to be taken off the field in an ambulance. It was only a concussion, but we told the other team "Yeah, looks like Pabs killed another one..." They were freaked out, but we withheld this info from the special olympics team.
"Guys!" Pabs was clearly excited. "Their name is the Dueling Dragons!"
Daniel, our goalie yelled back "More like the Drooling Dragons if you ask me!"
Damnit, I thought, I fucked that one up.
But the game must go on, and we lined up for kickoff. They had won the toss and chose to have the ball first. The game was slow at first. We'd let them get halfway or so down the field, take a shot, then we'd take it up to their side and taking an easy shot at their goal. We didn't want to humiliate them or anything. Until they brought out their "secret weapon."
This kid had Attention Deficit Disorder, and quite frankly, didn't belong in the special olympics. He was twice our size and fast as hell. He was good, and he intended to humiliate us. And his first move? Attempting to take out Jessica, the only girl on our team.
Jessica and I played fullback together, the final defensive line before the goalie. The ADD kid sped down the field, dodging us left and right. Then he headed straight for Jessica.
Never will I hear a sound that even remotely resembles a collision between a 10-year-old girl and a 6-foot, 160 pound special olympics athelete. I guess it sounds kindof like a training bra being unsnapped while a wheelchair gets hit by a car, with Good Charlotte playing in the background. Everything seemed fine until the ADD kid helped her up, and then grabbed her chest from behind and started rubbing. This was followed by our goalie dashing across the field, head-butting him in the stomach, and kicking him in the balls when he hit the ground.
Imagine a whole crowd on their feet, with no clue who to cheer and who to yell at. On the one hand, you've got a 160-pound pedophile groping a ten-year-old girl. On the other hand, you've got a kid who just beat up a special olympics athlete. Everyone was watching each other, seeing what was going to happen. Some 80-year-old WW2 veteran wearing Depends adult diapers woke from his nap and yelled "NICE PLAY! YOU DA MAN!"
For some reason, all tension dissolved in laughter and we played on. It stopped being about special olympics kids versus ten-year-olds and started being about soccer. Yeah, there were more mishaps. Two of our kids ran into each other going for the ball and ended up with bloody noses, prompting a Drooling Dragons forward to yell "NOW WHO'S DA RETARDS?" In the end, we let them win. Yes, we let them win. We could've handed them their asses, honestly, but that's no accomplishment.
For all that training though, they lost in the first round. We still cheered them on at their game, though.
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-05-12 16:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Some_Type_Of_Super (user info) at 2006-03-19 03:27:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick ass.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-19 02:39:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
where did this come from?
Submitted by ILL34GL3 (user info) at 2006-03-19 02:17:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-12-16 09:49:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Never will I hear a sound that even remotely resembles a collision between a 10-year-old girl and a 6-foot, 160 pound special olympics athelete. I guess it sounds kindof like a training bra being unsnapped while a wheelchair gets hit by a car, with Good Charlotte playing in the background."
Holy Awesome that was funny.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-15 19:35:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm listening to Eminem right now
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-12-15 17:51:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
too good for SPT
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-12-15 16:18:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a goddamn fucking liar and you probably ARE going to hell!
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-15 11:22:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Speds love the titties. I'm in trouble come fall, when I'll be teaching them.
Submitted by KillerCowz (user info) at 2005-12-15 09:09:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YES that is fucking great ahahaha
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2005-12-15 08:55:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a very pretty Chinese/ Irish friend who teaches adults with learning difficulties. She gets kicked, butted, beaten, groped and bitten every day.
Hows that for an image.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-15 08:50:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They should film children's soccer and loop it on VH1 or something so I could watch it whenever I want. Hilarity and juice boxes are always guaranteed.
Submitted by Stuch (user info) at 2005-12-15 08:47:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You came good in the end, like a buddy-cop movie.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-15 08:33:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure the girl enjoyed walking away from this, knowing she got groped by a special ed guy.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2005-12-15 08:21:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What's better than winning the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-12-15 08:19:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty is not an I-ron.
(Family Guy reference... I've not lost my mind).
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-15 07:46:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not saying it's a bad thing, and I hope you're not offended, for you add plenty to this site and I enjoy reading most of it. But this is just an observation I've made, that's all.
I'll shut up now.
-------------------
Nothing could be worse than the nightmarish horror that is The Truth About Berty's Real Life.
When I tell stories like that it's with a whimsical tone as opposed to mental, frantic, 'searching for the answers', tone.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-15 07:36:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
From now on there will always be a hierarchy among doors.
My office is full of Decepticons.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-15 06:44:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHA! your reply illustrated my point beautifully. However, I'm sure you were just being ironic (as usual). Ironic humour is the best kind.
The best way I can describe my impression of you (well, of your Uber persona) is this:
There is a scene in the movie Good Will Hunting where Matt Damon's character is at a job interview. It's for some government spy agency (or something like that), and when asked why he's turning down the job, he goes into a long winded dialogue about how one decision he makes could in turn start a devestating chain of events. Kill an innocent janitor, sink an oil tanker and a bunch of other stuff.
The point is he over-thought that particular job offer, when all he really needed to take into account was that he didn't want the responsibilities which the job entailed.
Granted I know nothing about you personally, but alot of the time when I see one of your reviews, I'm reminded of that scene.
Not saying it's a bad thing, and I hope you're not offended, for you add plenty to this site and I enjoy reading most of it. But this is just an observation I've made, that's all.
I'll shut up now.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-15 05:41:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty, you think too much!
------------
I've never understood that statement. I mean you think all the time, even when you're asleep. If you ever stop thinking then it's usually a sign for you're parents to turn off the life support machine.
I reckon that the sub-consious is a lie, an imaginary friend that people blame sordid and uncomfortable thoughts on. I mean come on, seroiously, all sorts of weird shit goes through you're head in a given day but most of the time if you're staring out the window and you think 'I wonder if that time I saw my dad walking down the stairs naked is what caused me to feel ashamed of my body?' but the thought makes you sad and a bit grossed out so you push it aside and forget about it.
BUT Here's the thing, you don't forget the choice to feel ashamed of your body, the choice you made when you saw you're saggy daddy shambling down the stairs, covered in hair and you thought 'I don't want people to look at me and see that, they'll hurt me. I must never allow it to happen'.
If you get my meaning? So we bury the memory and go through life unwilling to fuck with the lights on or get nekkid on teh beach or in gym class or at the swimming baths. Later on when we're engaging in pillow talk or watching a hippopotomous fall over at the zoo the memory flairs up and we think THAT's why I'm that way, I made a sub-consious choice to feel that way in these situations.
Then we sue our parents for mind rape.
Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. It was a consious choice and a consious thought. Then again, I didn't want my parents to put that thought into my head and Lojope didn't want that nasty man to put his winky in her hoo hoo so maybe it's the same thing?
What a legal conundrum that could be. Perhaps I could sue a nice looking girl on the train because she reminded me of my sister and gave me uncomfortable thoughts. It'd never hold up in court though, my sister is far too butch for any but the most Christian of men to find attractive.
Seriously though, I've probably just forgotten a load of stuff about Freud's theories and talking rubbish. So I won't post it. Yeah, I think I'll blame all this on my subconsious or the bogey man or something.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-15 04:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty, you think too much!
This story was good for so many reasons.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-15 04:56:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I loved the bit about The Doors and Optimus Prime, that gag was comedy gold. The giant player and the sexual attack was rather poorly rendered though. Belivable of course. Is it cerebal palsy when they get mega horney? If it is then I want a cerebal palsy girl for a night, imagine what a night that would be?
As the gag stood though it felt flat, rather unfunny. Maybe even a little rushed? I dunno.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-15 04:37:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A foreword: I have had premarital sex, I don't believe in Jesus, I use drugs and I only recycle cans because I get money for them. I already know I'm most likely going to Hell. So please, this isn't even the icing on the cake. It's more like the apostrophe made of icing in "Congratulations, you're going to Hell!"
-----------------
I've not read this yet but I am curious as to why I see this sort of disclaimer on so many posts. Are people really terrified that we're going to shout "LEIK OMG I IS GONNA SIC MA BIG BRUDDA JEEEBUS ON JOOO, JOO PRICK!" or something?
Also there's always the self admonishment of "I'm going to hell", despite the previous statement that you're not a religious person. Isn't that a double negative or someother intellectual phrase?
Am I reading too much into this? Is it just some American saying like Scousers saying "Howdy doo do domdy dom?" or when people say "bless you" when you sneeze? That's equally fascinating when you think about it, that American's have an ingrained saying of "I'm going to hell", that they accept damnation before they attempt any act.
Just struck me as an interesting observation.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-12-15 03:00:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YAY! TimeCop's back!!!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-12-15 01:37:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Umm... spedmonkey. I wasn't on that team, I swear.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2005-12-15 01:11:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:23:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Bonus story: Why I've Been Gone
I was training for the RAAM, a 3,055 mile ultracycle Race Across AMerica. I've been working on getting through enough qualifiers to earn myself a place on the list and an invite to the RAAM.
Then, two weeks ago, during a qualifier, I ran over a rabbit at 20 miles per hour and wrecked.
What happens next? The race official for that section runs out into the road, then PAST ME TO CHECK ON THE RABBIT! I later find out he's a head dickhead for the local ASPCA. Now, most ASPCA members are probably nice and care about animals, but honestly, it's A FUCKING RABBIT! I'm a human being and I just got thrown off a bike!
So I lost the qualifier, and my knee is fucked up where I landed on it. So now I have free time again.
-------------
But was the bunny ok?
This post was fucking awesome and don't feel bad, I'm going to hell for many many reasons too.
Submitted by Donnefan (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:52:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes this post was brilliantly written
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:50:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha holy shit, theres a UBER name i havnt seen in a while.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:49:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rating Confirmed.
-Dave
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:48:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Retards make me uncomfortable.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:47:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The field would be smaller to allow for the fact that most of them had short attention-spans and might not be able to dribble all the way upfield before losing interest."
-----------
Am I the only one who envisages the teams "dribbling" ( http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=dribble ) the length of the pitch.
Now to finish reading.
-Dave
Submitted by Bushy (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:30:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't usually do the picking quotes thing, but some of the lines in this were fan-bloody-tastic:
'A foreword: I have had premarital sex, I don't believe in Jesus, I use drugs and I only recycle cans because I get money for them. I already know I'm most likely going to Hell. So please, this isn't even the icing on the cake. It's more like the apostrophe made of icing in "Congratulations, you're going to Hell!"'
'I thought I had a winner with The Doors, thinking it was a tribute to Jim Morrison, until I realized the picture was of three doors, one a sliding patio door and the other a garage door. The leader, in a kind of bizarre, Optimus Prime way, was a fire door. ' - especiialy the optimus prime bit
and this bit is a monumental moment in soccer, education, peadophilia, mental illness, pubnescence, fighting and just about everything. A moment i tell ya.
Never will I hear a sound that even remotely resembles a collision between a 10-year-old girl and a 6-foot, 160 pound special olympics athelete. I guess it sounds kindof like a training bra being unsnapped while a wheelchair gets hit by a car, with Good Charlotte playing in the background. Everything seemed fine until the ADD kid helped her up, and then grabbed her chest from behind and started rubbing. This was followed by our goalie dashing across the field, head-butting him in the stomach, and kicking him in the balls when he hit the ground.
Gold jerry, gold
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:29:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that
girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and
foxy boxing and such and such.
-- Homer Simpson
Lisa on Ice
Incidentally, we've missed you. That rabbit was actually an undercover Ubersite operativewhose sole purpose was to fuck you over. And so, I must say, HA HA RABBIT.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:27:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There were so many awesome lines in this post, it's hard to decide which one made me laugh the most. I think it was this one, though-
Never will I hear a sound that even remotely resembles a collision between a 10-year-old girl and a 6-foot, 160 pound special olympics athelete. I guess it sounds kindof like a training bra being unsnapped while a wheelchair gets hit by a car, with Good Charlotte playing in the background.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:23:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bonus story: Why I've Been Gone
I was training for the RAAM, a 3,055 mile ultracycle Race Across AMerica. I've been working on getting through enough qualifiers to earn myself a place on the list and an invite to the RAAM.
Then, two weeks ago, during a qualifier, I ran over a rabbit at 20 miles per hour and wrecked.
What happens next? The race official for that section runs out into the road, then PAST ME TO CHECK ON THE RABBIT! I later find out he's a head dickhead for the local ASPCA. Now, most ASPCA members are probably nice and care about animals, but honestly, it's A FUCKING RABBIT! I'm a human being and I just got thrown off a bike!
So I lost the qualifier, and my knee is fucked up where I landed on it. So now I have free time again.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:14:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed my TimeCop.
Submitted by lizzard (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:14:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:13:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
whatever happened with http://www.ubersite.com/m/57819 ?
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:10:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
About time you came back. First non-UberMadness post in over half a year.
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:03:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
woo. you kept me amused for 5 minutes
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:01:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
TIMECOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-12-14 23:58:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2005-12-14 23:55:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
How touching. Feels a bit like a less-than-PC Disney movie.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-12-14 23:51:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment