Hadley Tobedone Presents: Brushes With Mediocrity (1289 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.15 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hadley Tobedone (View user info) at 2005-12-13 11:32:08 EST
January 8, 1989. The living room floor is cleared of all obstacles as kickoff approaches. Everyone there knows to stay on the sides of the room when it happens. 1:58 remains in the first quarter. It was strange to see the orange and black warriors break the huddle - it hadn't happened all season. But when they did, the result was glorious. A ten year-old boy leaped to his feet, screaming "TOUCHDOWN!"
And that glorious dance began....
December 4, 2005. The floor is cluttered this time around. 9:05 left in the third quarter. "Fuck. Touchdown. Why can't they cover that -HOLY FUCK! You see that Mom? You know what that was? No, that was intentional. That's unnecessary. We don't go prancing around like a fucking gay pony every time we run for 3 yards like Bettis does, why the fuck does he do that shit?"
Anger. Red anger, blinding an otherwise rational man. "Someone needs to take that motherfucker out for a stunt like that. Man, Owens got smeared in Dallas for shit like that...I guess we have to show them by kicking their fucking asses. That should seal the division for us."
December 11, 2005. Fuck it's cold at the game. I don't get to go into the Pro Shop. I get relegated to hot chocolate duty. That's what I get for remembering to hit the ATM. Jesus, this line is long. And why the hell are people getting the guy in the booth to sign hats and shirts? Damn, he must be somebody. Then it happens.
Two to the left. Two to the right. Two to the left. Three hops. Spike. Twirl the finger overhead. "Woo! Woo! Woo!"
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
Suddenly I'm ten again, celebrating in my living room. Before I know it, I'm at the front of the line, wide eyed, staring in awe. "I'll take 3, straight up." Twenty bucks change hands. "Hey, can you --?"
"You want the hat or the mug, man? All I ask is a donation to my foundation."
"I have ten bucks. Would that work for three signatures? Man, I feel like a little kid again. I used to dance along with you after every touchdown. This is really the coolest thing I can remember. Hey, how did you feel when Hines Ward stole your act last week?"
"At first I was mad. Not only because he did it, but because he did against the Bengals. But then I saw myself on SportsCenter and I thought, hey. He got my name back in the news. I call that a good trade-off."
"Yeah, it was good to have people talking about you again. Looking good, best of luck with the foundation, man."
That was it. That was the highlight of my day. It beat the shit out of having some drunk asshole spilling beer down the back of my jacket while the melting snow dripped all over me. That is my most recent brush with mediocrity and to me, it was awesome.
Name: Elbert "Ickey" Woods
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Career: Only 37 games, 332 carries, 1525 yards (4.7 yds/carry average), and 27 touchdowns before two blown-out knees ended his career.
Claim to fame: Rookie fullback on the 1988 Bengals Super Bowl team. 1066 rushing yards on 203 carries (5.3 avg). Led the NFL in yards/carry. 15 touchdowns. And 2 more words: Ickey. Shuffle.
Life since fame: After his short career, he was forced to sell meat out of the back of a car to support his wife and six kids. Since that time he has also owned a flooring business in Sharonville - Their motto? You can shuffle on these floors. He still lives in the Cincinnati area and is now co-owner and head coach for the Cincinnati Sizzle (National Women's Football Association).
Long live the shuffle. Two the left. Two to the right. Two to the left.
User Reviews
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-05-03 10:53:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/87243#1962145
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-07 21:33:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
OHS NOES I ALSO WROTE A REVIEW ABOUT VEGAS ON A POST I REVIEW ON 5-6 TIMES OUT OF DAY FOR FUN!
OHS DA SHAME AND DA HORROR AND THE... get over it, people. Seriously. It's not like it's going to drive me away or anything anytime soon.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-03-06 23:46:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/44213#1869652
Figured you'd get a kick out of this...
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:20:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
1988 Superbowl team?
Keep bitching about your poor poor Bengals.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:20:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ickey Woods eh?
Quite a legacy indeed.
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2006-01-19 13:21:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No comment
Submitted by The_Last_Prophet (user info) at 2006-01-12 00:21:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
C:\>DEL *.*
Y
Submitted by The_Last_Prophet (user info) at 2006-01-10 22:34:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Get a life.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-12-13 23:49:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff, bud....
But the Bungles are only better than Minnesota by rank. Give 'em a couple years, they'll finally win a bowl.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:10:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I will never understand American football but this was a feel good story Hadley.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-13 15:27:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
San Francisco was just unstoppable that year, though.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-13 15:24:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, this story was perfectly conveyed... whatever that means.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2005-12-13 13:54:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Only a +2 because I am guilty of wearing a similar headband back in the day.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-13 13:16:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Watching an almost 40 year old man do the Ickey Shuffle ain't pretty, but it was worth the price of admission.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-12-13 12:40:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-13 12:04:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Viva la Ickey.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-13 12:36:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Ickey Shuffle.
Not to be confused with the Truffle Shuffle.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-13 12:20:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The Ickey Shuffle. Bringing about the original no endzone celebrations rule.
Top that off with Marv Levy crying like a bitch to he league about the no-huddle offense, and the late-80s Bengals (under Wyche) were truly trendsetters.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-13 12:04:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Viva la Ickey.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:55:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Agreed. Tommy Maddox sucks ass, but Charlie Batch wasn't that bad.
All I know is that I wanted to see Bettis get a ring before he retired, although who knows - he might decide to stick around for another year after this.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:50:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, Pent, having to start Charlie Batch once and Tommy Maddox twice didn't help you guys this year....
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:50:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As a lifelong Steelers fan, let me just say that I am preparing to cry emo tears.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:49:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good title.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:49:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:39:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Logged in just to rate this. Ickey Woods is bigger than Christianity in Southwest Ohio.
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http://www.makecincinnatiweird.com/images/stories/touchdownjesus.jpg
God is on our side.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:46:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I know Pentameter. I was actually pissed about that, at first.
If Ickey's there selling hot chocolate for the Christmas Eve game, I might have to buy a replica Ickey jersey to have him sign it.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:46:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha...I suck...that's what I get for skimming the first few lines and the last little paragraph you have there.
Don't I feel like a fucking asshole!
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:45:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was expecting a link to ETS' user info.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:44:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:40:15 (#)
Ranking: 1
Yes but do you also remember 11/20.
When the Colts beat your asses?
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One touchdown isn't an ass beating, sweetcheeks. Especially when the "much improved" defense gives up over 30 points.
But yes, you won. Yes, I remember it. It really doesn't have any relevance to this story though, so fuck off.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:43:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hines Ward did the Ickey Shuffle a few weeks ago when he scored a TD.
It has not been forgotten.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:41:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was supposed to be a sympathy +2 for having to be a Bengal's fan.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:41:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude! I'm gettting flamed cause you didn't proofread my shit for me at 1AM.
*sobs emo tears*
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:40:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yes but do you also remember 11/20.
When the Colts beat your asses?
13-0
Hope to see you in the Dome in Jan. so we can do it again.
Then maybe Chad J. will shut the fuck up. Wait, no he won't.
13-0
That is all.
13-0
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:39:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Logged in just to rate this. Ickey Woods is bigger than Christianity in Southwest Ohio.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:37:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cincinatti has a football team?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:37:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahaha
whatever