Why You Shouldn't Allow Me To Attend Church (4855 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.75 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2005-12-11 21:46:40 EST
More of my "Why You Shouldn't" series:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/45279 Why You Shouldn't Light Yourself On Fire
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61171 Why You Shouldn't Let Me Watch Your Kids
http://www.ubersite.com/m/64309 Why You Shouldn't Let Old People Own Cell Phones
http://www.ubersite.com/m/52167 Why You Shouldn't Make Fun Of Your Chemistry Teacher's Legless Husband
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Earlier today, my fiance Courtney asked me to attend her parents' church tonight for a Christmas choir session and a play. I'm on the fence when it comes to religion, so I'm not the first person in church Sunday morning-- or any day for that matter. Not really being a religious person, I wasn't that interested.
"There'll be food there", she remarked.
"Okay, let's do it."
As we walked in and had a seat, Courtney's parents were on stage in their respective positions, all ready to perform for the Jesus lovers everywhere. The preacher took the stage and said a prayer, thanked all of us for being there, and then prayed again.
The choir director then spoke up, making us pray once again. Stop with all the praying. Once is enough. Even God was thinking "Shutup already, I heard you."
During the short sermon, I was elbowed several times by Courtney because of my smart ass comments. I'm not one to sit quiet when I'm thinking something funny to myself. I have to say whatever comment it is to the person next to me. Just be happy I wasn't seated next to the preacher's wife.
Preacher: "...And Jesus saves..."
Me: (To Courtney) "At Walmart."
Courtney elbows me.
Preacher: "...God will save you! God saves sinners!"
Me: "Then trades them in for valuable cash and prizes."
Courtney elbows me.
Preacher: "...If you're ever in a position where you may question yourself, just ask "What would Jesus do?"
Me: "For a Klondike bar."
Courtney snickers to herself, then elbows me.
I don't think the last elbow was fair. You can't laugh at something, then scold me because it wasn't funny.
Courtney's mother was one of the narrators of the story, and was very afraid that she wouldn't do a good job during her part. After she finished her narration, I gave her a thumbs up from the audience. She busted up laughing.
Courtney elbows me.
I also laugh at the most childish things. While the choir was singing, I snickered whenever certain verses were sang. The sexual connotations are so obvious, that I'm surprised the choir didn't giggle as they sang it.
"O Come Emanual, O Come, Come."
Not only are you asking Emanual to come, you're asking him to come more than once. A little much if you're asking me. Whenever the chorus was sang, I'd lean on Courtney and hide my laughter. I couldn't hide it well enough, because an elderly lady beside me noticed.
I couldn't help it, I was a little giggly Gertrude.
To top it off, they tortured me with more songs of the same. O Come All Ye Faithful, O Come Little Children, and many more hymnals encouraging biblical characters to splooge all over the place.
When the offering plates were being passed around, Courtney wouldn't let me place a Burger King coupon inside it.
Let me ask you a question. Whether you're a church goer or not, wouldn't you want another Whopper for free if you buy one?
I THOUGHT SO!
When it was discovered that I was a new-comer to the church, I was given a piece of paper to fill out. They basically wanted my address and phone number, so they could send me pamphlets, encouraging me to come to their church and give them money.
I didnt think there was any harm in filling it out with false information, so I wrote in 123 ABC Street in New York. I think they might have caught on when they tried to call the phone number (696) 969-6969.
Now, I have to pretend I know about New York when I run into the pastor. He always asks Courtney how I'm doing in New York.
I'm still trying to get into the Air Force. Things are going as well as expected at this point. I'll keep you posted. Have a good work week.
-Sideburns
User Reviews
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-09 20:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CrazyHorse (user info) at 2006-03-01 22:19:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Preacher: "...God will save you! God saves sinners!"
Me: "Then trades them in for valuable cash and prizes."
Fucking Awesome...I mean... Chuck Norris caliber of awesome
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-01 22:04:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hymnals encouraging biblical characters to splooge all over the place.
_________________________
Haha! It's funny, because hymnals are the books, and hymns are the songs!
Submitted by kclovebliss (user info) at 2006-03-01 21:56:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know if it is just because i have been at my shitty ass job all night or what but this made me laugh till i cried thanks a burger king coupon? that is too much ~bliss
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:57:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart: Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his
conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
-- Homer Simpson
Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily
Submitted by twentyseventy (user info) at 2006-01-07 05:39:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
yeah man, so you're still getting married to this girl b/c you didnt want a speeding ticket?
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2005-12-20 18:39:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow! You're number 7 now, huh? Seems like it's been forever since I've been around...probably 'cause it has been. Anyway, just wanted to say howdy.
:)
Phoenix
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-12 22:50:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny story. Fuck nate with a small n. Just like his brain.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2005-12-12 22:35:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is the sort of thing that 13 year olds who sit in the back of the church do to show how much cooler they are than everybody else there.
You don't want to be there, don't go, but don't go and then be an ass.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-12 21:57:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-12-12 21:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
123 Fake Street
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-12-12 13:13:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:00:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always wanted to have premarital sex in a church. You know, so I could sin and be forgiven all in one sweaty, lust filled session.
I actually did that once. Turned out to be an Arby's. Still, I'll take curly fries over forgiveness anyday.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:52:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:20:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:00:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always wanted to have premarital sex in a church. You know, so I could sin and be forgiven all in one sweaty, lust filled session.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:37:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ha ha. Church is for sheeple.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:34:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
jesus laughed.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:19:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I try to avoid churches. I'm lucky I don't burst into flames when I walk through the door.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-12 07:29:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I love you say "jesus lover" with the same disdain rednecks say 'nigger lover'
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-12-12 07:19:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha.
That's some funny shit right there. I wish we had churches over here.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-12-12 06:32:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-12-12 05:47:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80831 -- i'm part jesus.
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2005-12-12 05:45:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-11 22:15:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Preacher: "...If you're ever in a position where you may question yourself, just ask "What would Jesus do?"
Me: "For a Klondike bar."
**********
hahaha!
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-12-12 05:23:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"...God will save you! God saves sinners!"
Good luck to him.
Submitted by nate (user info) at 2005-12-12 04:04:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
cash is valuable? nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur
i hate loudmouth cunts that say stupid lame shit when they should be putting in more effort in trying to shut the fuck up
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2005-12-12 01:02:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So funny, my baby smiled for the first time.
No, really.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-12-11 23:59:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
packers win in overtime. hooray for me.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-11 23:47:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh fuck... I just posted something that involved the humor in people saying thiings like "and the angel of the lord came unto Mary". Shit. I promise I didn't read this before I posted. If I had, I wouldn't have posted. Because now I feel like an absolute idiot.
Ah well. My apologies.
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2005-12-11 23:38:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
can i touch you. just once.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-11 23:23:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I once faked an encounter with the "holy spirit."
I went to the alter, fell on my knees and began to run my fingers through my hair.
Add a bit of chanting, trembling- and everyone bought it.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2005-12-11 22:42:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Be THOU My Vision"
Fuck my joke and fuck all of you too.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2005-12-11 22:38:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I feel sort of the same way. I don't know what it is about churches (whether it be Mass or weddings), but every time I'm in one I make a joke out of everything.
Oh, except the "Come...." jokes. Too simple-minded and easy for me. I try for slightly less humorous ones such as "Be Though My Vision" which I was edited from the full version of "Be Though My Vision (For 'Tis Blurry)"
Submitted by JapanFour (user info) at 2005-12-11 22:31:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JapanFour (user info) at 2005-12-11 22:26:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
speaking of church....
http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=3372&p=2
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oh yeah, by the way probably NSFW
Submitted by JapanFour (user info) at 2005-12-11 22:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
speaking of church....
http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=3372&p=2
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-12-11 22:19:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
when i was younger, about 10 i think, i remember bringing my gameboy to church with me. during one of the pastor's sermins (sp?), i thought i'd be sneaky and play a quick game of donkey kong land 3. so, i turned the game boy's volume all the way down, looked around to see if anybody was looking (my aunt and i often sat in the way back), and flipped the ON switch. at this point i realized that to turn the audio down on a game boy, one must turn the dial to the top, not the bottom. so, long story horribly short, everyone turned thier heads when they heard that annoying nintendo music, and saw me with my gameboy in hand.
didnt stop me from playing it though.
Submitted by JapanFour (user info) at 2005-12-11 22:18:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Preacher: "...God will save you! God saves sinners!"
Me: "Then trades them in for valuable cash and prizes."
-------------------------------
priceless
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-12-11 22:18:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by Lucylou (user info) at 2005-12-11 22:16:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got the giggles during a silent prayer once during my first and last trip to the local youth group. Not just silent, sweat-breaking-out-on-your-forehead-because-you're-trying-so-hard-not-to-laugh giggles, but full on snorting, huffing, teary giggles. I'm not sure why.
I never went back, then a few weeks later one of them came to my house to check I was ok as I hadn't attended youth group again. I told her I chose now to worship ducks.
I love their paddley little feet.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-11 22:15:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Preacher: "...If you're ever in a position where you may question yourself, just ask "What would Jesus do?"
Me: "For a Klondike bar."
**********
hahaha!
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-12-11 22:06:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' A!
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2005-12-11 22:04:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
lol
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-11 22:03:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think we all knew already not to allow you into a church. I can't go cause well....I'm a satanic worshiping blasphemer. But thats another story.
Submitted by Dolson (user info) at 2005-12-11 21:51:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
JESUS SAVES AT WALMART!!!
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-12-11 21:51:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Why you shouldn't allow me to post.