Random Thoughts Of Sideburns, Vol. 4 (2770 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.85 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2005-11-25 21:48:42 EST
This Thanksgiving wasn't that bad. I had to squeeze three Thanksgiving dinners into a small period of time, so I had my fair share of food. Hell, it beat last year when I was sitting alone in a single-wide trailer with a Hungry Man dinner and a beer watching the Macy's parade.
Things have improved for me drastically. My job still sucks, but I'm delving into becoming a city police officer. I'm already looking up the addresses of everyone I hated in highschool so I can hang outside their house and catch them speeding down their road.
My job involves making monetary deliveries to banks. Last month, an elderly man standing in line at one of the banks stopped me and started talking to me as I delivered the currency to the branch.
"Hey... y'all got some of them niggers on that truck?"
"Excuse me?"
"Some of 'dem niggers."
"Um.."
"Them new buffalo niggers."
"Oh! Buffalo nickels!"
The house I just bought used to be inhabited by two lesbians. The master bedroom was painted hot pink and has little gay pride rainbows painted in random spots along the wall. In another room, "Heather <3's Teresa" is spray painted onto the wall.
When I'm driving and someone pulls out in front of me or does something that would cause anyone else to flip a finger or blow the horn, I just give them a thumbs up while muttering the words "good job!". They don't know how to react.
I live out in B.F.E. The next town over is one of the hickest towns in this state. This Saturday is the town's annual Christmas parade. I've been told that the parade features 4-Wheelers and dirt bikes draped in Christmas decorations. Last year, there was a 30 minute gap in the parade because a girl fell off a horse and broke her leg. I'm not sure if this next one is true, but apparently one of the floats features 'coon dogs barking at a raccoon in a tree. THAT'S the theme of the float. I'll take pictures this weekend and post them if anything interesting arises from the parade.
Ubercon Greenville is coming up January 6, 7, and 8th. Just keeping you posted.
A fat girl that I see in my everyday life is interested in me. I told her I'm not interested and currently in a relationship. She translates that as "I'm playing hard to get. Try harder." I don't get it.
My grandfather just got a new hearing aid, so he's making sure to crack the same joke with everyone he comes across.
"I just got this brand new hearing aid. It's top of the line."
"What kind is it?"
"Oh, it's 5 o'clock."
You remember that 14 year old girl that lost her arm in one of those Florida shark attacks a while back? She's all over billboards, with the message being something about perserverance. Congratulations, before you had your arm ripped off, you were a mediocre surfer. Now, you're that armless mediocre surfer. Damn, at least before you lost your arm you were kind of hot.
Reading the shampoo and conditioner bottles while sitting on the toilet got old, so I borrowed some of my girlfriend's Cosmo magazines. After reading every advice column about guys, let me offer my advice. Cosmo is wrong.
That dress does make you look fat. You are annoying. I only pretend to listen to you. You asked me why I haven't said a word in weeks? I just didn't want to interrupt you. I'm tired of trying to sweep you off your feet. Next time, I'm just going to swiffer you off your feet. If it doesn't work, at least I collected some dust along the way.
Have you ever watched a movie and afterward, just thought "Wow, that was amazing."? I mean, a movie so amazing that you could relate to it in every way? A movie that makes you want to change the way you look at life?
Yeah, me neither.
Please note: If one of your male co-workers is known to bitch about everything, putting tampons in his work mailbox is not funny.
Can someone please teach me how to cook something besides Spaghettios and Poptarts? There are only so many meal combinations I can come up with.
Once again, Ubercon Greenville, SC is coming up January 6, 7, and 8th. If you would like to attend, please let me know. If you're planning on staying at my house, I have 2 extra bedrooms and a living room for you to occupy. My email is justinfromeasley.at.wmconnect.com. My aim is JustinFromEasley.
Well, goodnight folks. Have a nice weekend and don't forget to brush your teeth.
-Sideburns
User Reviews
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2005-12-01 05:12:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Apple sincere under lactoid tinsile.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-11-30 18:04:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Somewhere like me for instance.
<Cough>
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2005-11-30 09:07:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-11-28 18:43:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
because i like sideburns.
in a non-bumfun way
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i like him in a bum fun kinda way. (tee hee)
just kidding. its really a bum-not-so-fun-but-i-do-it-so-he-wont-go-somewhere-else-for-it kinda way.
What?
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-11-28 18:43:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
because i like sideburns.
in a non-bumfun way
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-28 18:25:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The house I just bought used to be inhabited by two lesbians. The master bedroom was painted hot pink and has little gay pride rainbows painted in random spots along the wall. In another room, "Heather <3's Teresa" is spray painted onto the wall.
I'm guessing the carpet was pretty chewed up, too
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-28 07:57:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I need to carry around a notebook to write thoughts like this down.
However, if I posted them, it would probably be teh stinky aXXhole.
I'm in the middle of moving right now, and I don't know when I will get a new comp, but I will let you know about the Ubercon via text message of something.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-11-28 07:33:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Damn, at least before you lost your arm you were kind of hot.
Dude, she's 14 you sick bastard.
Submitted by nate (user info) at 2005-11-26 16:13:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
should have been secret thoughts of a gay man
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-11-26 14:38:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i feel moderatlly enlightened
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-11-26 13:52:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Aww, I thought this was gonna be ABOUT sideburns...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-26 09:02:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You need to do some more thinking.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-11-26 04:15:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can someone please teach me how to cook something besides Spaghettios and Poptarts? There are only so many meal combinations I can come up with.
dude-- i read the whole thing now and = awesome
i can teach you how to cook teh good shit-- it's easy-- uberleilani.at.gmail.com
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-11-26 04:13:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Things have improved for me drastically. My job still sucks, but I'm delving into becoming a city police officer. I'm already looking up the addresses of everyone I hated in highschool so I can hang outside their house and catch them speeding down their road.
my friends all get dui's for this reason
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-11-26 03:34:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The New Jamie Oliver cookbook is good. It's called 'I'm a fat tongued mockney' or something. He has a website. Cook something off that.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-11-26 01:52:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
obligatory smoke 1
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-11-26 01:24:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Obligitory cop -1
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-11-26 00:55:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This part about buffalo niggers reminded me of "Cabin Fever," that cheesy horror flick with the guy from Boy Meets World.
*Beginning of movie*
Kid: "What's the fox urine for?"
Storekeep: "Foxes."
Kid: "What's the rifle for?"
Storekeep: "The niggers."
*80 minutes later - Black people walk into store, storekeep picks up rifle*
Storekeep: "There be my niggers! I cleaned your rifle for ya, all spic and spiffy!"
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-11-26 00:53:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A fat girl that I see in my everyday life is interested in me. I told her I'm not interested and currently in a relationship. She translates that as "I'm playing hard to get. Try harder." I don't get it.
The fatter and uglier a girl is the larger her sex drive.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-11-25 23:25:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
wait
are you a cop or a bank guard?
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-11-25 23:00:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can someone please teach me how to cook something besides Spaghettios and Poptarts? There are only so many meal combinations I can come up with
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-11-25 22:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh good, I get to not show up and realize that I would detest you people in person on January 6th, 7th and 8th.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-11-25 22:25:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Have you ever watched a movie and afterward, just thought "Wow, that was amazing."? I mean, a movie so amazing that you could relate to it in every way? A movie that makes you want to change the way you look at life?
Yeah, me neither.
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fight club.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-11-25 22:17:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ha.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2005-11-25 22:12:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
...sum
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2005-11-25 22:06:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Or to some this up, Ubercon Greenville, SC is coming up January 6, 7, and 8th.