Redemption Road (1) (1469 hits)
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Rating: 1.67 on 57 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2005-11-15 18:34:25 EST
Redemption Road
1 - Addison on the Shoulder
Addison opened his eyes and saw blue sky.
Open sky. Big sky.
He turned his head left and right, slow... slow... muscles protesting as grit shifted under his head. More sky. No buildings. No mountains. No telephone poles.
Face forward again. Eyes moving, taking in that big blue sky. In his prone position he was looking straight up. The sun was a yellow-orange ball to the east... or the west, in the corner of his eye. Late morning? Early evening? Who knew?
Addison looked up and frowned. There was something screwy up there. He raised an arm that felt as if it were wrapped in lead and rubbed his eyes. Nothing.
The air was warm, refreshed by a breeze that ruffled his hair. The soft breeze was the only sound he could hear aside from his beating heart and, as he sat up, his creaking limbs.
No birds. No bugs.
He opened his dry mouth. "Well," he said.
Addison was sitting on brown dirt. Sandy soil mixed with stones of various sizes was pretty much all he saw. There were a few pathetic shrubs and weeds struggling out of the ground, but they looked desiccated and nearly dead.
The land was flat and nearly featureless. Flat and brown. Addison thought this is what Kansas would look like if stripped down to the bone.
There was one feature that stood out. It couldn't be missed. Addison was close. On the shoulder.
It was a road.
The road was two lanes of blacktop, the asphalt now gray, pitted and cracked with age. Lines of faded yellow paint divided the lanes.
The road stretched from horizon to horizon. In the distance heat haze shimmered over the asphalt.
Addison got to his feet. It took him longer than he thought it would. His knees popped and his back crackled like the piece of shredded wheat he had stepped on in his kitchen this morning.
"This sure as shit isn't Canton," he said.
Upper New York State had hills. And rivers. And trees. And towns. And people. Addison looked around. There was fuck all here but the road.
He gave himself a once-over. He was wearing khakis, a blue cotton shirt, and his Timberland shoes. He could remember making a list, getting ready to run down to the corner store. He had needed a few things and needed a break from the march of words on his computer screen. He couldn't remember much else.
A sound in his head, like distant hammers hammering whatever the hell distant hammers hammered. His vision fluttering like there was a surge in the power making the kitchen lights flicker.
He'd stuffed the list in his pocket as he had walked into the kitchen to see what shape his iced tea supply was in. Ever since he'd followed the advice of his cold-heated Jew bastard doctor and sworn off beer and coffee, he'd been addicted to iced tea. Lipton's. He just mixed the powder in a big jug. Cheap, and refreshing. He'd stepped on a piece of shredded wheat.
"That's the way to go, Addison," he said aloud. "Start thinking about iced tea when you are standing alone under a desert sun."
Maybe I had a heart attack, he thought. Roth had warned him that it was coming. Maybe I'm in the hospital right now, dreaming up all of this.
"You drink too much beer and coffee," Roth had said. "And spend too much time in front of your computer, nursing that gut. You need to get out more, even if it's a walk around the block."
Well, I'm out now, he thought, remembering how he tried to blow the warnings off by laughing and calling Roth an evil Jew bastard.
"Yes, I am, Addy," Roth had replied grimly. "But I'm also your doctor, and your friend. I want to keep on being both for a long time to come."
Addison picked up a stone and threw it.
"Option one," he said, "I blacked out, and got on a plane, and flew out to the desert, and then drove, and then walked, and then passed out, right here. Option two. Someone is playing one fuck of a prank."
He ran a hand through his hair, feeling grains of sand under his fingertips. If this was a dream, it was topping out the realism scale. If this was a dream, why empty desert? If this was a dream, why not a cute little blonde, naked and willing to please?
Because you never had a groupie in your life, Addison. But your life is as empty as this desert, so suck up the blatant symbolism. You sure as shit seem to get off on it when you write.
"Option three..."
He took off his glasses and blew a thin layer of dust from the lenses.
Addison stepped onto the road. He bent at the waist and laid a palm on the asphalt. It was dry and warm. He stood up and slipped his hands into his pants pockets.
Keys and Zippo, pocket watch and coins and Swiss Army knife. He pulled the list out of one pocket and looked at it, squinting.
He hadn't added iced tea to the list. He crumpled up the list and threw it away.
He took his pocket watch out and looked at it. It had stopped at 4:12. AM, PM, who knew? He slipped it back into his pocket, the thick silver chain jingling merrily.
"Shit," he said, slapping one hand against his shirt pocket on the verge of panic. He felt his glasses case and was relieved.
Contacts had never worked for him, and bifocals drove him fucking nuts, so he always carried his reading glasses with him.
Not that there was much to read out here. He got the case, opened it, and took out the thin dark lenses that magnetically clipped onto both his regular glasses and his readers. He put the shades on and slipped the case into a deep pants pocket.
He took another long look, his feet stirring pebbles and dust as he did a full turn, looking for anything that wasn't desert, scrub brush, or sky.
"Fucking hell," Addison said.
He had crossed the country at least a dozen times by car and once on a bike, in his youth. He'd followed old Route 66 and taken secondary roads in the lonely spaces of Nevada and Arizona. He'd seen desert before, but nothing like this. There were no mile markers, no signage of any kind. He saw the list he had tossed away and realized something else was missing. There was no trash anywhere. Not a scrap of paper, not one faded, crumpled soda can.
That last detail spooked him, filling his gut with ice.
Fighting down his fear, and struggling against the animal part of his brain that was loosening his bladder, Addison walked away from the road, unzipped, and started to piss.
The stream coming out of him uncovered something white and smooth.
Christ, he thought. Is that a skull?
Working around the fast-drying puddle of piss, Addison brushed at the ground, uncovering more of the white object.
There was no doubt it was bone. It looked smooth, but there was a subtle roughness to the porous surface. It was pitted and crazed and looked very old.
When Addison was two feet away from where his piss had hit the earth he realized the object was not a skull. He was still uncovering it. He stood and began kicking at gravel and dirt, uncovering more of whatever was down there.
He took five paces to the left of the white surface he had exposed and dug down. Bone. He waked fifteen paces to the right and scraped at the ground with the heel of one shoe. Bone.
He trotted to the edge of the road, found a flat stone, and scraped at the earth. He hit an edge of white that continued deeper into the stony soil than he cared to dig.
He stood and ran a hand through his hair, wondering what in hell could leave behind a plate of bone that size.
He looked left, then right, and that's when he saw something coming down the road.
By the time Addison could see that the vehicle was big and yellow, he realized that it was too late to hide... in case whoever was coming was dangerous. Not that there was anywhere to hide, out here.
"Fuck it," he said. "Things can't get much weirder than this."
Addison stood on the shoulder of the road and stuck out one thumb as the vehicle drew near.
It was an old yellow school bus.
Along the side were words that looked as if they had been painted by hand and not stenciled onto the aluminum surface: Fox River Grove.
Addison sensed a flicker of recollection in the back of his mind, but it eluded him. He had never been to a town called Fox River Grove, and he was pretty sure no one he knew was from there. He wondered briefly if he had read about the place or saw something on TV, and then he was stepping back as the bus pulled onto the shoulder and rolled to a stop, grit popping under the worn tires.
The door clattered as it opened. There was a kid behind the wheel, maybe fifteen years old, one hand on the lever that opened the doors. The kid was blond and pale, and his clothes were stiff and dark brown.
That's blood, Addison thought. Caked-on blood, dried into a hard crust by the sun.
"Hey, Mister," the kid said with a grin, "You need a ride?"
User Reviews
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2008-05-09 13:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-11-06 20:00:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what would be sweet?
Before you post something like this again http://www.ubersite.com/m/112977
Stop and post another part to this series instead.
That'd be great.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-30 19:53:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i like the way you write
very good movement
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-30 16:02:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pretty sure "prone" means face down.
yup.
it does.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:11:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-11-17 10:14:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, I'm listening
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-17 10:06:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-16 20:26:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-16 20:08:36 (#)
Ranking: -2
Bubba needs to stop being Jack's doggie.
stfu now.
______________________________________________
Now? NOW?!?!??? You are telling ME what to do?
Fuck you, you ignorant fuck. Why don't you write
some more of your "Anglais" so we can all have a good laugh?
Suckboy.
===
Calm down doggy, you're gonna sprain something. I had pretty good ratings with my "Anglais", I even made B@W. Not that it matters. Countering retarded arguments with retarded arguments.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-17 10:04:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So you're coming off as a bit of hypocrite here. """
I'm a minority. It's my right. :-)
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-11-16 21:20:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-16 20:23:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, I find it funny that you can't seem to decide what to hate more about Jack: his American heritage or his Ontarian heritage. :)
--
JESUS, that was funny.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-16 20:26:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-16 20:08:36 (#)
Ranking: -2
Bubba needs to stop being Jack's doggie.
stfu now.
______________________________________________
Now? NOW?!?!??? You are telling ME what to do?
Fuck you, you ignorant fuck. Why don't you write
some more of your "Anglais" so we can all have a good laugh?
Suckboy.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-16 20:23:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Caul, I don't really want to get into a debate with you, but I think the accusation of 'racism' carries a lot less weight when it's you that's making it. I don't necessarily think you're a racist, but there are a LOT of reviews (and posts) by you going on about Americans (and to a lesser extent, Ontarians). You say America is stupid, fat, lazy, ugly, a blight upon humanity, and so forth. In fact, I think I recall you saying something about exterminating Americans.
So you're coming off as a bit of hypocrite here.
Also, you're both provoking a knee-jerk reaction. If someone insults your culture, the first thing that pops into most peoples' heads is to insult theirs. I think that's kind of what happened here.
Also, I find it funny that you can't seem to decide what to hate more about Jack: his American heritage or his Ontarian heritage. :)
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-16 20:08:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Bubba needs to stop being Jack's doggie.
stfu now.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-16 20:07:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
From ETS:
Never read 'The Scarlet Letter'. Actually I think I read parts of it just enough to keep up in class, but could never become engrossed by it...
Never read 'Moby Dick'. I'd kinda like to give this one a shot sometime...
Never read 'Hamlet'. Why read it when you can watch it? But I've never seen it performed either, so that shoots that argument straight down. ;)
Never read 'Tale of Two Cities' or one single Dickens novel all the way through. I thought Dickens was rubbish. His stories suffered because he went into FAR too much useless detail...
Never read 'The Diary of Anne Frank'. Here is another one I guess I was too cool for back in school. I might end up revisiting it at some point.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Moby Dick will make your eyes fall out.
Hamlet is great.
Tale of two cities is fantastic.
Caul needs to take a doggie downer.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-16 19:55:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Man, you've really pissed Caul off. Lookit him go."""
Wouldn't you be? You see, Jack is the classic Ontarian (no offense to you). He says we're inferior by nature, that we should be written off while at the same time he hates us for not wanting to stay in the country. That's like me punching you in the face and punching you more because you don't kiss me back.
If he had use the same rhetoric with Jews people would be jumping at him left and right, but I suppose it's right for us, eh? Douchebags.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-16 19:48:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know if it's just me, but I totally read the character as much younger, despite OBVIOUS clues that he was older (heart problems, bifocals, etc etc). Either you wrote him young in his mannerisms, or I just see what I want to see.
Man, you've really pissed Caul off. Lookit him go.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-16 19:39:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
is that David Addison?
~~~Some walk by night...~~~
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-16 18:23:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
There you go Goebbels: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1131484578217132628#1696767
I'm glad you finally came out of the closet and exposed yourself for what you are: a hatred fill bag.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-11-16 17:17:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-11-16 13:37:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
1) FCH
2) Allahtown
3) Redemption Road
4) Cherries
bastard.
on an unrelated note, I assume you've read the straw men series by michael marshall? or written it, under a pseudonymn.
--
As they say in the TV biz, Cherries is 'on hiatus.'
I'm still boned though.
I'm working on three stories as Xmas prezzies for 2 nephews and my little ORATCTINKU* niece since I'm such a cheap bastard, I'm playing with ideas for Uber next month... and I'm finalizing another Pandemic-style free for all just to fuck with TheCaes. I have two ideas for the last one, can't decide which one will be more appealing. No more undead shit, though.
*Officially Recognized As The Cutest Thing In The Known Universe.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-11-16 16:49:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-11-16 13:37:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1) FCH
2) Allahtown
3) Redemption Road
4) Cherries
bastard.
on an unrelated note, I assume you've read the straw men series by michael marshall? or written it, under a pseudonymn.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-11-16 12:23:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jessu?
Wtf?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-11-16 12:23:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-16 08:03:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought the same thing as ETS did about the autobiographical elements...
--
Jessu Christ, this guy is in his 50's.
Creaking joints, need for bifocals, living in heart attack country.
Shit.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-11-16 11:14:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2005-11-15 20:22:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Aren't you supposed to be finishing Allah town and four corners Jack? I mean what the fuck man it never stops! You just keep sucking us in over and over... I hate you. Have a +2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-16 10:55:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-11-16 04:22:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Many good points there, ETS.
"They call him Electrictoothsyndrome. fastest blue pencil around these parts. You'd do best to steer clear of him."
If there's one thing I can always use it's an editor. I don't spend a lot of time proofing. I do a quick read-through for typos and inconsistant bits and then put it up. I've got so many stories in my head that I'll lose them if I don't write them out fast. They don't have much of a shelf life inside my head. The stock boy up there is a bastard, always rotating stock and tossing out the old stuff for the new.
Literature ain't my thing. Story is.
...see what I mean?
Anyhow, thanks for the critique.
----------------------
You're welcome. I figured you've been writing around here too long for me not to have given you at least one proper critique. I'll try and keep up an eye on this series and see where you end up taking it. I'm usually not a series reader because I always end up forgetting to read installments and I fall so far behind it barely seems worth it. At that point I might as well read some of those classic novels I skipped out on in high school because I was reading something else at the time.
Never read 'The Scarlet Letter'. Actually I think I read parts of it just enough to keep up in class, but could never become engrossed by it...
Never read 'Moby Dick'. I'd kinda like to give this one a shot sometime...
Never read 'Hamlet'. Why read it when you can watch it? But I've never seen it performed either, so that shoots that argument straight down. ;)
Never read 'Tale of Two Cities' or one single Dickens novel all the way through. I thought Dickens was rubbish. His stories suffered because he went into FAR too much useless detail...
Never read 'The Diary of Anne Frank'. Here is another one I guess I was too cool for back in school. I might end up revisiting it at some point.
You see where I'm going with this.
I don't think you're a bad writer. I know you must be very imaginitive to weave these 20 or 30 part stories. It's like inventing your own little world in which to immerse yourself. I guess it's sorta like D&D in a way. Geeks love D&D because it allows them to enter a world of their imagination, where their thoughts carry enormous weight, and they can at least pretend they're not covered in acne and never get laid. (Not that this applies to you. I don't know where I'm going with that.)
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I appreciate your art. While I don't have enough minutes in the day to consume it all and digest it, I recognize your abilities. I would like to see you develop a little more of a distinctive voice. Less dry and strictly descriptive and more conversational and fluid. I think that would suit you. I do realize that each piece is different. Some call for different styles to properly tell the tale. We'll see where this one goes.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-11-16 10:26:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-16 08:03:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought the same thing as ETS did about the autobiographical elements...
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-16 05:19:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-11-16 04:22:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Many good points there, ETS.
"They call him Electrictoothsyndrome. fastest blue pencil around these parts. You'd do best to steer clear of him."
If there's one thing I can always use it's an editor. I don't spend a lot of time proofing. I do a quick read-through for typos and inconsistant bits and then put it up. I've got so many stories in my head that I'll lose them if I don't write them out fast. They don't have much of a shelf life inside my head. The stock boy up there is a bastard, always rotating stock and tossing out the old stuff for the new.
Literature ain't my thing. Story is.
...see what I mean?
Anyhow, thanks for the critique.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-16 01:40:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yea, Jack...why do you surround yourself with fags. That says something about your character surely.
;)
I think we'd get along more than either of us would like to admit.
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2005-11-16 01:24:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:55:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:24:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Was this one inspired by the time I dumped you and Buddy out in the desert out near Goffs?
--
No, but that 3000 mile cross-country trip explains why a lot of my shit happens in the desert. I like the desert. And I hate the water.
So why am I living on a peninsula next to the Pacific?
--
Search me.
You're like one of the Tenctonese in 'Alien Nation' when it comes to salt water.
Why you're right beside an ocean is beyond me. It's not like you're gonna go surfing anytime soon..
(..although I do seem to remember a plan involving you, me, Jonathan, Alcatraz, a Zodiac, and a lot of beer...)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-16 00:57:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That first part of my 'critique' is supposed to say: "I'm speaking a different language *THAN* you are..."
I'm sure there are way more mistakes, but you get it. I'm fucked up.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-11-16 00:47:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Addison thought this is what Kansas would look like if stripped down to the bone."
I was in Kansas even before you said that. The mantra of nothingness...brown. Captivating. Although I am speaking a different language and you are in the post at this juncture.
""This sure as shit isn't Canton," he said."
At this point, I am hearing the call of Indians in the distance...but with the next sentence, "Upper New York State had hills. And rivers. And trees. And towns. And people. Addison looked around. There was fuck all here but the road," you remind me this isn't a purely romantic situation.
"A sound in his head, like distant hammers hammering whatever the hell distant hammers hammered. His vision fluttering like there was a surge in the power making the kitchen lights flicker."
Holy shit, it's almost as if you hear the Indians too.
""You drink too much beer and coffee," Roth had said. "And spend too much time in front of your computer, nursing that gut. You need to get out more, even if it's a walk around the block." "
This part is autobiographical, I feel. Either that, or you are giving us internet junkies something to cling to to say: "this is about me".
"If this was a dream, it was topping out the realism scale."
This sentence seemed to interrupt the poetic flow just a smidgen. Don't know why... Call it an anomaly of the disparity in the contructs of our individual brains. (Whatever the fuck all that convoluted crap means.)
"But your life is as empty as this desert, so suck up the blatant symbolism. You sure as shit seem to get off on it when you write."
Again with the autobiography, Jack. You're showing me more than you thought I had a mind for, but I vaguely like it.
"It had stopped at 4:12. AM, PM, who knew?"
Nice tie-back into the uncertainty of the situation.
"He slipped it back into his pocket, the thick silver chain jingling merrily."
I take exception to the word 'merrily' as used here. If I am being entirely critical...and I obviously am...I'd prefer a clunky, clangy, dead, cocophonous tone to the reentering timepiece. But, again, that is only me. (At this point I am wondering why I don't just read and digest and then come back and leave this review.... Because if I were to do that, I wouldn't remember any of this enough to relate it to you in a review. I am the reader. Follow ME. Not the other way around.)
"Contacts had never worked for him, and bifocals drove him fucking nuts, so he always carried his reading glasses with him."
Again with the autobiobraphy. You are really telling me a lot about yourself here, Jack. Either that, or a lot about your wife. But I suspect it's you. This is about you.
"He had crossed the country at least a dozen times by car and once on a bike, in his youth."
Get rid of the comma.
"There were no mile markers, no signage of any kind."
In this sentance, the passive verb 'were' works for the 'mile markers', but doesn't do much for 'signage'. See what I mean? You really need two sentences to say what you're trying to say. (Sorry I'm being so picky here. I shouldn't be, but I feel like I owe you something for all your writing efforts to seriously critique at least something.)
"That last detail spooked him, filling his gut with ice."
THe metaphysical element gently creeps into the story.
"The stream coming out of him uncovered something white and smooth."
Is it that you associate 'white' with 'smoothe', or that you are alluding to the white of the bone that is to come in the next sentence? I'm curious... A little of both, I suspect.
"There was no doubt it was bone. It looked smooth..."
A-HA... So we see that the character is creating his own reality? Is that what's going on here??? To repeat what you've already adopted as your mantra in this story: "who knows!"
Ok, nowI understand that I misread what you'd written there. The piss was literally uncovering something in the sand. I was in the character's head and thought what you were saying was figurative. That's my quirk, not yours.
"He took five paces to the left of the white surface he had exposed and dug down. Bone. He waked fifteen paces to the right and scraped at the ground with the heel of one shoe. Bone."
In reading, I am a huge fan of ellipses. "..." I think they might have served you well somehwere in here. They denote more of a pause than a simple period and aid in the pacing of a passage... But you knew that already. ;)
"He hit an edge of white that continued deeper into the stony soil than he cared to dig."
Have you ever heard the song "Digging in the Dirt" by Peter Gabriel? That's what this reminded me of.
"Addison stood on the shoulder of the road and stuck out one thumb as the vehicle drew near."
"...the hitchhiker stood by the side of the road and leveled his thumb in the calm calculus of reason." -Jim Morrison
"It was an old yellow school bus."
"The blue bus is calling us. The blue bus is calling us.... Driver where you takin' us?" -Jim Morrison
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fox_River_Grove_level_crossing_accident 'Seven Angels Crossing'... I like that name... 'Seven Angels Crossing'. Don't you? I know you do. I can see your soul, Jack. ;)
Good piece so far.
*This review was entirely written as I read this so you could get into your readers' minds easier.
You're welcome.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:55:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:24:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Was this one inspired by the time I dumped you and Buddy out in the desert out near Goffs?
--
No, but that 3000 mile cross-country trip explains why a lot of my shit happens in the desert. I like the desert. And I hate the water.
So why am I living on a peninsula next to the Pacific?
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:24:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was this one inspired by the time I dumped you and Buddy out in the desert out near Goffs?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:16:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I would really like you to post your picture so I can finally put a face on the bitter francophobe that you are. You little bitch, I bet that would explain a lot.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:10:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Caul, your jealousy is a wound that festers and grows and will never heal until you admit the truth to yourself. I am better than you, in all respects.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 23:06:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm a very healthy person. I just have a lot of hate to share with the world.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-15 22:53:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 22:39:01 (#)
Ranking: -2
I hate Jack_McCullum, what can I do.
***********************
Let go of your hate, come over to the dark side, blah blah blah.
Hate's not worth it, in my experience. I usually ignore the people that annoy me the most -- I find it's healthier.
Submitted by crx (user info) at 2005-11-15 22:41:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 22:39:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I hate Jack_McCullum, what can I do.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-15 22:35:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Caulaincourt has gone insane. Leave us Ontarians alone! Go back to hating the Americans, and the British, and fat people, and stupid people, and Mondays, like that adorable little cat on the poster.
Ontarians are a peaceful people.
Seriously dude. You're starting to freak me out.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 22:26:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You're an Ontarian asshole Jack. No amout of USA will ever change this. You're a heinous Ontarian pig and should be hanged accordingly. Die.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-15 22:21:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-11-15 22:04:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
He has two pairs of glasses. Reading and regular. Remember, he hates bifiocals.
****************
DOH! And the Needs-Stronger-Pair-of-Glasses award goes to: ME!
Sorry dude.
HOWEVER, that gives me the impression that Addison is a bit older -- is this the case? For some reason I "read" him being in his 30's or so.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-11-15 22:05:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:45:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Veeeerrry interesting, Jack. Good hook to this one. But whom put him there, and why, etc etc.
--
That made me laugh, btw.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-11-15 22:04:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:45:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Veeeerrry interesting, Jack. Good hook to this one. But whom put him there, and why, etc etc. This, though:
"There was one feature that stood out. It couldn't be missed. Addison was close. On the shoulder. It was a road."
Too many sentences the exact same length. I felt like I was tripping over the words.
Also, later on he's relieved to find he has his glasses in his shirt pocket, but three paragraphs before that you describe him blowing dust off his glasses.
--
He has two pairs of glasses. Reading and regular. Remember, he hates bifiocals.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:45:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Veeeerrry interesting, Jack. Good hook to this one. But whom put him there, and why, etc etc. This, though:
"There was one feature that stood out. It couldn't be missed. Addison was close. On the shoulder. It was a road."
Too many sentences the exact same length. I felt like I was tripping over the words.
Also, later on he's relieved to find he has his glasses in his shirt pocket, but three paragraphs before that you describe him blowing dust off his glasses.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2005-11-15 20:22:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aren't you supposed to be finishing Allah town and four corners Jack? I mean what the fuck man it never stops! You just keep sucking us in over and over... I hate you. Have a +2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-15 19:57:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 19:29:12 (#)
Ranking: -2
je ne parle pas anglais...sorry :-(
____________________________________________
No shit, Sherlock...:<)
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-15 19:52:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is to offset Caul, because he is rating the poster, not the post.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-15 19:52:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your fiction always gets +2s from me.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-15 19:29:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
je ne parle pas anglais...sorry :-(
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-11-15 19:24:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it when you write fiction.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-15 19:22:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Always a good read Jack.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-11-15 18:57:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how many series are you gonna have running at once?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-15 18:52:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
not bad.
this was v.clunky though:
"""By the time Addison could see that the vehicle was big and yellow, he realized that it was too late to hide... in case whoever was coming was dangerous. Not that there was anywhere to hide, out here. """
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-15 18:48:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Who is?
Submitted by Phate (user info) at 2005-11-15 18:47:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF I am not reading all that