Occupational Hazard (1089 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:fiction
Rating: 1.63 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-10-22 13:13:14 EDT
When the third assistant in a month didn't show up for work, Dave Richmond feared the worst. Well, actually, he feared that she'd been brutally murdered like his last two assistants, which, in the big scheme of things, possibly isn't the worst that a person could fear... for a given value of worst. Worst being most catastrophic, the worst would probably be a flaming meteor with an attitude barreling towards Earth at twice the speed of sound with Bruce Willis getting his scalp waxed somewhere in West Hollywood and therefore nowhere to be found; in terms of the worst, i.e., most shameful fear a person could have, we'd have to go with butterflies or, perhaps, sorbet.
Nonetheless, Dave feared that his assistant had been slaughtered. He didn't know why he kept losing perfectly good assistants this way; the work was not that taxing, they had a great dental plan, and he had never once made any kind of inappropriate sexual advance towards any of them, not even Eileen when she wore that tight little thin knit top that showed off her delightfully plump little bosom to such splendid perfection. He didn't deserve this. (Of course, neither did they, but they - being dead - and not in any kind of managerial position to begin with, come to think of it - didn't have to suffer as he did the hardship and annoyance of being sans assistant and having to go through the interview process again.)
He called the police station on his desk phone, dialing the extension for Ed Roberts. Ed was his brother-in-law, and a handy person to know when your assistants kept being gutted over the weekends. He'd always hated Mondays.
"Yeah, hiya, Ed. Look, Eileen hasn't come into work. Yeah, I know it's Monday. No, I haven't tried to call her, Ed. Because the idea of leaving a message on her answering machine while she lies on the floor three feet away from the phone in a puddle of her own intestines makes me feel maudlin, Ed. Word of the day toilet paper. I know. Okay, it's 34 Kerwin Way. I'd appreciate it. I sure will, Ed. She's feeling a little under the weather lately, but she'd like to have you and the wife over for dinner Friday. Okay. Bye."
Dave gathered up his papers and stuffed them into his briefcase. He didn't feel like working today, after all; there was no-one here to make coffee and he'd never been able to figure out he coffee machine in the break room. He'd catch up tomorrow. There wasn't much work lately anyway - the whole damned pissant town knew about his assistants and customers were avoiding him like the plague, preferring to go over to Glass Doors'n'More. The glass business was a cut-throat industry, as he was fond of telling people. It always got a laugh. Well, it used to.
Dave arrived home to a dark house. All the curtains were drawn and the only light came from the TV. He walked slowly into the living room where his wife sat in a bathrobe, staring at the children's show that was playing. She'd been a bit down, lately; Dave figured she had the flu. She'd feel better, soon enough.
"Sheryl? Honey? I'm home."
"Hi, Dave," was her colorless monotone reply.
"Say, I spoke to Ed today. He and Laura are coming over for dinner Friday. Won't that be nice?"
"You spoke to Ed?" She turned to look at him and he saw that her hand was clutching at her robe near her throat. Her eyes were wide and her left eyelid was twitching. She looked awful. "Did Eileen go missing?"
"Well, she didn't show up." Damn, Sheryl needed some sunlight. Some fresh air, that was the trick. Get her out of the house. It couldn't be healthy for her, sitting here in the dark.
"And you called Ed right away? You must be real worried to do that. Real worried. You must have missed her right away, Dave, to notice and call Ed like that so quick."
He stared at her. She didn't look well at all. "Well, you know.... after what's happened I thought it was best to make sure."
"How many girls have to die before you'll stop it and hire a male assistant, Dave? I mean, someone's trying to tell you something."
Dave smiled at her, touched by her concern for his assistants. "I'm sure it's just a coincidence. How would you like to go to the park today? Just you and me? You can take your book, we'll get some coffee..."
Sheryl blinked back tears. "That'd be lovely. I hardly see you anymore, what with you working so much... staying late at the office all those nights..."
"That's all going to change soon," said Dave, thinking unhappily of his mounting bills and lack of new work.
"I'm sure it is," replied Sheryl warmly, thinking of that skinny harlot twitching on the floor with a knife in her throat. "Soon, everything will be just fine."
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-19 04:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2006-02-22 14:24:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Genius
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-11-03 12:31:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a psycho. A psycho with a great sense of humor, but a goddamn psycho nontheless.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-02 07:35:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-10-25 03:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-24 16:58:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-24 09:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
this is crap.
it's like 'early apollo' but not as naturally amusing.
carry on.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-10-24 09:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOO!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-24 02:03:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-10-23 15:42:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-10-23 09:26:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure it's just a coincidence.... Heh....
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2005-10-23 05:49:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice... in a scary sort of way....
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-10-23 01:58:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-10-22 20:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah lahks yew.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-10-22 19:31:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
People must be obsessing over college football to an unhealthy degree... this should have way more reviews by now.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2005-10-22 17:23:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
eek!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-10-22 15:10:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just to clear up any possible misunderstanding, all my grading assistants and students are male, at the moment.
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-10-22 14:21:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good stuff.
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-10-22 14:14:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i had the bitch marked from "hi dave"
short and sweet, this is good
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-22 13:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those skinny harlots better watch for flaming meteors with attitude... dangerous stuff
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-22 13:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You can always make up for it by handing out wonderful ratings to people that participated.
Like, um...*cough*me*cough*.
And how did you know I was afraid of sorbet?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-22 13:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I missed GrUeberfest. Woe is me.