Don't pray for me -- Jesus might get pissed. (1194 hits)
Category: Computers & InternetRating: 0.67 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Feijuada (View user info) at 2005-09-11 00:06:21 EDT
"I'll pray for you," a person might say. "Don't worry, Jesus is watching out for you." Well that's great, but I'd rather have a professional bodyguard. Jesus might not take a bullet for me, but a 6''6' black man called "Earl" might.
I don't trust God to make sure that I'm healthy and safe. He fucks up very often, and if I always said "Oh don't worry, JESUS will protect me!" I'd be dead. So would you.
In fact, I've done pretty well for myself! I've managed to avoid serious damage to myself, just a broken leg when I was two and another break at 11. I suffer from seizures, or at least I would if I didn't have a prescription medicine. What would Jesus tell me to do? Pray? No thank you, I'll stick with the drugs.
And besides, Jesus already has his hands full. He's got over one billion Christians, and at least ¼ of them are at least slightly stupid. He's gotta watch them ALL THE TIME. That's a tough job! He knows that I can take care of myself and that his presence is not really appreciated, so he leaves me alone and looks for masturbating boys.
So don't pray for me. Jesus has a really short temper, and I don't want him getting pissed off if too many people pray for me when I take a day off from school and he shows up at my house to find me watching "Law & Order" in my underwear. He already knows about that black man I lynched when I spent a weekend in Georgia, and I'm afraid that this just might set him off!
By the way, happy 9/11!
User Reviews
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-09-27 17:05:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-09-27 16:58:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-09-27 15:52:48 (#)
Ranking: -2
Lame story -2.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2005-09-20 18:34:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Thanks for leaving a -2 on my post like you do EVERY time.
Also, all your posts are dogshit.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-09-12 01:15:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
blhahga
Submitted by insanedoc (user info) at 2005-09-11 22:00:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funniest thing I've seen in a while. Bravo for you.
Submitted by XICOHTENCATL-NELLI (user info) at 2005-09-11 21:48:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
O.K. it's no longer funny, now go fuck your self. May you be met in heaven by 79 Brasilian transvestites with long thick schlongs.
Submitted by XICOHTENCATL-NELLI (user info) at 2005-09-11 21:41:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I truly believed that nobody could make me shit my shorts in laughter about 9/11.
My brown stained shorts are yours sir!
Submitted by Auf-Der-Maur (user info) at 2005-09-11 21:01:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-09-11 20:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-09-11 20:20:30 (#)
Ranking: -2
d-prime : -2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-09-11 20:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-09-11 00:08:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
Man I am torn on the rating for this, I agreed completely with the written and hated the picture.
Submitted by olivia_tremor_control (user info) at 2005-09-11 19:06:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a friend of mine was crying today about 9/11. i asked her if she knew anyone that died in the attack. she said no but she's praying for all of them. i asked her when the last time the bitch cried or prayed for just one of the millions of people dying of hunger all over the world. the answer? never.
Submitted by BlindMelon (user info) at 2005-09-11 19:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Not at all," they said, "We don't mind."
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-09-11 07:34:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-09-11 03:18:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
God damn that picture's cool.
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Makes a good background!
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-09-11 06:17:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The fonz won you the point.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-09-11 06:06:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The +2 was for the text; but I don't know how to feel about something about 9/11 actually being funny. I be confooses
Ala Bang
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2005-09-11 05:57:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What a load of shite.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-09-11 05:45:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
right you are...
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-09-11 04:04:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Better than the movies!
I think if you expect Jesus to protect you from breaking your bones then you are a Goddamned pussy.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-09-11 03:18:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God damn that picture's cool.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-09-11 02:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yawn
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-09-11 02:14:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i have had many more injuries than you.
he loves you more
:{
"He's got over one billion Christians, and at least ¼ of them are at least slightly stupid."
yea right. more like half.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-09-11 01:29:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is such a horrible picture I can do nothing but give you a +2
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-09-11 00:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-09-11 00:46:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh wow. I shouldn't give this a +2, but could I really dissapoint the Fonz?
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-09-11 00:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jeez dude, 10 minutes doesn't warrant a repost.
You had a good rating before, 1.33 or 1.44 I think, but now it's in the -'s.
I'll give you the +2 in hopes you don't do it again.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-09-11 00:19:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry dudes, but the last one was posted on 9/10 -- ten minutes too early. This was posted on 9/11.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-09-11 00:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-09-11 00:10:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear precious Jesus, Jesus's Daddy and the magic 12.
Please take care of Feijada cause he know's som'n som'n.......aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!
<scream>
<burn>
<poof!>
**********
make me do this twice will you
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-09-11 00:15:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2005-09-11 00:10:45 (#)
Ranking: -2
Just know.. you're a piece of shit.
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Hanky
There's nothing wrong with that!
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-09-11 00:14:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-09-11 00:08:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
Man I am torn on the rating for this, I agreed completely with the written and hated the picture.
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2005-09-11 00:10:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Just know.. you're a piece of shit.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-09-11 00:06:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is a re-post because I posted it ten minutes early.