Two Nipples Beats Three Aces ANYDAY! Now with more tittied camwhore!!!! (NSFW) (3689 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.5 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Professional Peon <prof_peon.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-08-15 18:49:12 EDT
As usual shit happens to me whenever I leave the house. Haha's all around for everyone who witnesses these events, but always causing great embarrassment to me. My last episode occurred at the bar (big surprise).
A little woman - little like short not little like Mini-me - was trying to strike up a conversation with me. As I leaned in towards her to hear her over the loud shitty bar music I neglected to notice the lit cigarette she had pointed at me. Needless to say I burned a rather large whole in one of my favorite shirts.
This is where my drama begins.........
I broke down and decided to head to my least favorite place on God's green Earth.
THE MALL!
Dun Dun Dunnnnnnnnnnn
Yes ladies I know it's hard to believe that a woman could despise the mall more then taxes, but I do.
Now there is only one store at the mall that I even bother to shop in and that is the GAP. I know I sound like a pretentious snotty little hoo-hey, but I have my reasons... well one actually
Spandex!
Now before the visual causes you to vomit.
Oh what??? Too late???... Sorry about that.
Anyway I have to shop at the GAP for my shirts because they contain the proper mix of spandex and whatever in their tops. I don't have a problem shopping there because they keep their sizes consistent and it saves me the time of trying on every damn piece of clothing. I need this in my life because if I am stuck in the mall for more then one hour I could fall into an annoyance induced coma.
What?? It's true; my doctor gave me a prescription for a special order emergency life tag. But I digress.
So I storm through the store at lightning speed grabbing two of each design that I liked enough to attempt to wear in public. Then it hits me.... All the black shirts in my size are gone.
I could feel panic overtaking me. I need black like normal people need food. Out of pure desperation I did what I can only describe as a temporary lapse in sanity. I went to.......
THE TANK TOP TABLE!!!
<Insert psycho theme here>
I fought my hardest to keep the inner demon that is Jugsy at bay.
Jugsy: TANK TOPS!!! TANK TOPS!!! TANK TOPS!!!
Peon: Are you mental?? I can't buy that. I haven't owned a tank top in ten years.
Jugsy: But it's got one of those elastic hold up your boobs built in bra thingy in it.
Peon: I think if I wear it I may upset the natural balance of the universe.
Jugsy: .......... You know I hate it when you use big words!!
I rolled my eyes and turned away from the table of evil. My eyes scanned the store looking for something more appropriate for my figure.
Pssst
Peon: Shut up Jugsy
Pssst
Jugsy: *yawns* I didn't say anything.
Peon: Great, I'm officially completely insane. Don't you hear that?
Jugsy: Hear what?
Peon: That pssst noise.
Jugsy: Maybe you popped a tit.
Peon: Har Har
Pssst... over here. It's me.... Tank top.
Peon: Oh what the fuck?? I'm officially looney. Now clothes are speaking to me.
Tank top: Buy me
Peon: What?
Tank top: Buy ME!
Peon: NO
Jugsy: Oh come on please can we take it home?? It's so cute and cuddly!! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEE!!
Peon: NO DAMMIT!
Tank top: But I'm on saaaaaale
Peon: That black magic doesn't work on me
Tank top: I'm sixty percent cotton... feel the softness.
Jugsy: Nah man that ain't gonna work she's a tomboy.
Tank top: *grumbles* fuck.
I continued to peruse the store and found more suitable attire. I found a few more designs that I liked and decided to make one last lap around the store to pick out the darkest color in each design.
As I shopped I heard Tank top crying emo tears from across the store. I was so distracted and annoyed that I had failed to notice that in my haste I had picked up a very girly colored shirt.
Just then Jugsy started hyperventilating, sobbing and babbling like a little girl.
Peon: What?
Jugsy: *whispers* look down.....slowly.
Peon: *looks down* what's the matter?
Jugsy: P........P...........P..........P.....
Peon: oh for the love of BABY JEBUS WHAT!!!!
Jugsy: PINK PINK PINK PINK!!! Get it away!!! You know I'm allergic!
Peon: Since when?
Jugsy: Since... Since... oh blah blah blah where are all the black tops??
Peon: They're all out. I suppose they are a little out of season for summer.
Jugsy: But I love black!!! I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed it. Something.. .anything! Oh God I can't breathe!!! The walls are closing in.......
THUD
Peon: Jugsy??
I made three more laps around the store frantically looking for something, anything in black to bring Jugsy out of her self induced fashion coma.
Tank top: Pssst
Peon: Fuck
Tank top: I got what you want, you got what I need <pause> I'll be your baby come and spend it on meeeeeee!
Peon: Are you kidding? You are trying to coerce me with Donna Summer tunes??
Tank top: I'll make you sexy
Peon: <scoffs> Right. All the tea in China couldn't do that.
Tank top: I will give you cleavage.
Peon: Uh... hello?
Tank top: I meant cleave.......land yeah Cleveland.
Peon: Uh-huh
Tank top: I will be very distracting in poker
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Dollar signs light up in my eyes as I grabbed the evil tank top and made a beeline for the register. Jugsy praised me repeatedly for getting her a new "bestest-est friend."
I had an easier time then anticipated at the poker table. No one looked me in the face, seemingly distracted by some evil spell that Tank top was casting over them. I was going head to head with some jerk that was big stack and doing the "all in" thing on every hand he played. God do I hate bullies. I didn't have shit but 2-3 suited.
The bully goes easy on me and waits until after the flop to do the "all in" thing. The flop was A-2-3. Fuck! I'm not backing down. I start pretending that I'm thinking. I sat there twirling my hand with one hand, and rubbing a chip around my cleavage area with the other merely to torment him.
I look at my girlfriend. She gives me the "take this fucker's money" look. I call and stand with my cards still in hand. I stare lovingly at my chips as to say a final goodbye. I always, ALWAYS get fucked on two pair. It's a scientific fact or something.
I tossed my hand up right on the table. Yeah, that's right I ain't got shit! My girlfriend decides to be cute and yanks on the bottom of my tank top performing what she calls a "genius move". The table explodes in a chorus.
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
The bully was so busy gawking that he failed to notice he tossed his cards face down. I looked at his cards, then at him. "You folded?"
The guys at the table erupt into laughter as he walks away red-faced. They inform me that according to the "real poker rules" that counts as a fold, titties or no titties.
My girlfriend whips out her digital camera and takes a picture of my sorry half naked ass before I can claim my chips. Bully was still in the game, but never came back to the table. I asked one of the guys to flip over his cards and sure enough he had two Aces.
But hell, I'm not about to knock winning $30 bucks my first time playing for money even if my tactics are a little grandiose.
User Reviews
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-07-30 01:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am fairly certain that your breasts are large because you're fat. I hate fat floppy blob tits. They're disgusting to me =/ which nets you a big fat -2.
However your story was funny so that rounds it out nicely at 0.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-07-30 01:29:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apparently not my imagination after all :)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-02 11:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe I never 'bated this post.
I mean rated. RATED.
Oh hell who I am kidding?
*squick squick squick OH GOD AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*
*wipes off tip on hair*
Much better.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-05-15 23:31:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this post is almost as long as my dick.
and half as entertaining. Making it a well-rounded ...*ahem*... +2.
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-05-15 21:50:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
HARHARHARWHALEBITCH!!1
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-26 18:25:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i WISH YOU WOULDA DONE THIS WITH TALKING BRAS
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:04:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jugsy: Hear what?
Peon: That pssst noise.
Jugsy: Maybe you popped a tit.
Sweet lordy I found that funny. I'm such a kid.
Submitted by bandphotographer (user info) at 2005-11-15 22:06:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One word, Cleavage.
+2 Fairy
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:55:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok been reading all your stuff since I found you today. Good shit, nice tits!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-09-30 12:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All around niceness.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-24 12:30:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brand new Shlongy!
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-08-24 02:33:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's a retard convention at my house this week.
Sadly, we're booked full.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-23 23:03:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cute boobies - AWESOME bra.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-08-22 21:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
do you have trouble *not* floating?
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-08-22 14:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Peon, this is a response to one of your replies asking how the whole cowbell thing got started:
If you ever watch Saturday Night Live, more specifically the "Best of Will Ferrell" DVD, there's a skit where he plays a membber of the band Blue Oyster Cult, the cowbell player. In that skit, he plays it like a madman, is totally into it, hilarity ensues, and all the producer-played by Christopher Walken-can say is "needs more cowbell".
You had to be there...
Submitted by jimthefiend (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:05:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you have an ample bosum.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-08-20 13:52:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's a problem with that idea.
I am a Vikings fan, and I am allergic to the Eagles.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-08-18 16:42:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your vulva tastes like green olives and bay leaves.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-08-18 16:30:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you should be proud
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-16 23:54:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BOOOOOOOOOOBS those are huge boobs.
Just in case no one else pointed it out to you.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-08-16 23:02:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im such a sucker for titties
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-08-16 21:34:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
except for that abercrombie and fitch shit
who the fuck spends $40 for a t-shirt?
i can understand the gucci and prada and jewlers but damn thats just fucked up.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-08-16 21:33:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
peon- i can have a umm...expensive jewler..ahh.
i can have a tiffany's ring in 10 minutes.
ahh the perks of being surrounded by rich people...they bring with them the ritzy stores.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-16 11:42:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well thats cause you've got big jugs. I... I mean your boobs are huge.
I mean, I want to squeeze them. I... ma ma.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-16 11:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Donovan - More moterboat?? Is that just instead of needing more cowbell?
Bob - If you have a ring I will consider it a proposal
Badass - I forgive you .... this time
Crystal - Are you going to the NYC Ubercon?
Everyone else - sorry about the offensive chins.... or am I?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-16 07:02:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty loves breasts, loves em. I love 'em, I love 'em, I love 'em. Have done since I was a nipper.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-08-16 05:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-16 02:30:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 saucy camwhore
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-16 02:01:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-15 23:35:38 (#)
Ranking: 1
I see your nipples...
-----------
I can't see them, DO YOU HAVE X-RAY VISION?
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-16 01:34:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I debated a while to decide how to rate it.
I decided you get a +2 for saving Jugsy.
Submitted by ballchick_handjob (user info) at 2005-08-16 00:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I could take that raise, electric man.
teehee
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-15 23:35:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I see your nipples, and I raise you a penis.
(I just had to...what with it being a pun and all... :$)
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2005-08-15 23:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nice chins
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-08-15 23:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRR.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-08-15 21:39:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I appreciate the sentiment.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-08-15 21:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So I still havent recieved my Peon topless photo spread email yet. Whats up wit dat?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-15 21:08:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-15 20:52:34 (#)
Ranking: 1
yay for poker. i won 150 bucks last night.
booo for whoever is in that picture.
AC - Less than two weeks away, TimmyBoy.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-15 21:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I did NOT bother to read this.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-15 20:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
yay for poker. i won 150 bucks last night.
booo for whoever is in that picture.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-08-15 20:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-15 19:57:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Big-boob solidarity +2. Almost all my shirts are black too.
__
Mmmmmmmm...
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-08-15 20:32:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy double D cup size, Batman!!!!
For some reason, it's ok with me that you've gratuitously shown some boobage.
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2005-08-15 20:24:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-08-15 20:22:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I really have seen better. And no I would NOT fold to that pair.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-08-15 20:08:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cleavage camwhore is an auto +2 from me.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-15 19:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Big-boob solidarity +2. Almost all my shirts are black too.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-15 19:52:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
somethin' tells me you have back problems
I don't know, just a guess
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-08-15 19:49:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
alrighty
my offer still stands...
ill treat you better than badass, that lace freak!
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-08-15 19:44:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs less chins.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-15 19:43:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for cleavage, but tank tops and poker?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-08-15 19:40:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wOOOOOO hOOOOOO!
I need to meet Jugsy. I think I could learn alot from her.. like drinking from a bottle with no hands.... and other stuff...
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-15 19:37:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes bob I am looking down. I thought for some silly reason she was gonna take a picture of my face and she's good for getting up close pictures up peoples noses.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-15 19:26:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is breastfeeding an option?
for me I'm talking about
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-15 19:17:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should write about the 'other' stuff you and jugsy do.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-15 19:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait before I read it:
I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!I'M SORRY!!
*badass learns something new about companies with real computer systems*
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-08-15 19:02:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Then is not than. When equating things, please use than.
*removes cap with little skull and lightning symbols*
Nice post.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-08-15 18:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs less bra.
And more moterboat.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-08-15 18:57:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and you play poker?
marry me?
although that chin is worrying me
i hope its because youre looking down.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-15 18:51:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HOLY HUGE PICTURE. FUCK IF THAT'S ALMOST LIFESIZE!!!!!!