The First Girl I Ever Loved is Dying (3070 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.95 on 85 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phallic Cymbals (View user info) at 2005-08-14 22:23:33 EDT
I rush past the front desk and see the secretary turn to look at me. He sees the expression on my face and, professionally, chooses not to say anything.
I turn my face to him and attempt to give an "I'm alright, really" look, but I'm really a fucking mess and the grimace that smears onto my features reflects that adequately.
I'm holding the lilies so tightly that juices are squeezing through between my fingers and dripping onto the hospital floor.
I keep having mental images of pushing the door to her room open. 138. I found her room number by secondary, or even tertiary sources. She would never think I'd visit.
---
Charlotte was my first love. "First Love" is a term that has been pretty well gutted by the modern grab for emotion. Advertising executives, "target groups" and uninspired filmmakers have all conspired to make the profound accessible. If the profound stays intangible, how can people buy it? But, people, that's the fucking point. If you COULD buy beauty, it wouldn't be beautiful.
But I have it. I have the real "first love". She was my first love and the rending vortex of emotion that scrapes my heart and mind is so much stronger, so much deeper than any manufactured affection that I hold on to it. It hurts me, kills me, but I embrace it for the simple fact that it is TRUE, and truth IS beauty.
See? Keats had the answer years ago, and all the seminars in the world aren't going to make a more fitting response.
So I keep my love for her close to my heart, because even a terrible pain can be a beautiful thing if it is authentic.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still realistic. We'll never be back together. I was just one in a long line of boyfriends for her, and the late nights and sickening anguish and self-loathing were all a personal choice, and not her fault.
But I still blamed her, hated her for making me so happy then taking that away from me. For the six months that we still crossed paths after our break-up I would seethe, spit and swear at her. And that's the few times I would actually dignify her with words. Generally I just looked straight through her.
Now she's dying.
---
My face is numb and the sterile corridor scrolls underneath me like a false reality, a video game.
120. A painting of a ship. 122. A painting of flowers. 124. The same ship painting.
I wipe my hand across my forehead and feel greasy coolness but I don't know if it's me or the atmosphere.
I do some mental arithmetic and count the doors up the corridor until 138. I can see it, open. Thin sunlight washes across the green tiles.
My spinning nerves turn into a dull, aching sickness in my gut.
I clench my eyes shut tight as I walk. Will she even remember me? I know I didn't have the same effect on her as she did on me. But still. But still...
134.
I stop.
She's there. If I shouted, she could hear me. Hell, if I spoke normally she could probably hear me.
Then a sound reaches my ears, and my fucking heart just shatters into little bits and slides to the bottom of my stomach.
Dun. Dundun. Dun. Dundun.
Like a heartbeat, but I recognise that beat anywhere.
A voice.
"Am I just a walking bag of chewed-up dust and bones, ohh?"
It's 'Your lucky Day in Hell' by the Eels.
When I found her in the park, kissing Dan, it was the only thing I could say. I sang it too. I sang it very precisely, in tune, as I walked away from my dream and my hope. My stomach was tight, full of concrete, but it just forced the words out as if there was no space for them. I don't think I've ever sung so beautifully.
I remember sitting on a park bench and physically retching. My voice cracked as I sang that song over and over to myself. She didn't come over. Didn't bother trying to explain.
She's listening to the sound of our break-up, and I think it's too much for me to handle.
5 minutes ago, I was wondering if she would even remember me. Now... Now there are too many questions for me to even contemplate.
The lilies hit the hospital floor with a wet slap and a huge, crippling sob rips up through my body.
I place a hand on the wall to steady myself, and slowly drag my fingers across the dry wallpaper as I move towards her door.
It's there in front of me. If I reached out I could grab the frame, pull myself into the doorway and see her again. I haven't seen her in years.
I hear a sniff.
I pause, and hear another.
She's crying.
I can't do it. It's physically impossible. Never has anything been so completely out of the realms of possibility as me facing her again. To see her face and fall in love all over again would kill me just as sure as the cancer is killing her.
She's just there, and I can feel her and want to hold her more than anything. But I know that if I touch her, even see her, then the cancer will infect me and I'll die too. When she goes, so much of my soul will go with her.
I move my hand up to my face and feel it soaked in warm tears.
And I sit down.
And I don't know what to do.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-07-03 09:58:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Compare this. Compare the work of some of the shitty emos that have frequented this site. All I can picture is the white, pure light of this, like the Sun, shining so brightly that the sickly yellow light is completely washed out. This is REAL, man. The purpose of art is to try and make the reader feel the emotion that you're trying to convey to them, and you have done it.
Outstanding.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-07-03 09:21:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow. just wow.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2007-05-22 13:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrez (user info) at 2007-05-22 12:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is really intense and honest.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-22 11:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<mouth moving, no sound>
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-09-27 21:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-15 05:16:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Richard_Whitely (user info) at 2005-08-15 05:04:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
A real man would force himself upon her... i mean cmon, she's too weak to do anything about it.... then you can give her some poison and say it was the cancer just so that no one will find out your dirty secret
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That's it man, you've peaked right there. This is the funniest gag you will ever tell.
It's all downhill from here.
_______________________________
It's so true...
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-27 21:32:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
speechless
Submitted by karates_badboy (user info) at 2006-07-06 10:00:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my first and only love sees me everyday, but now were just friends because i messed up, she may never come back to me, and theres just nothing i can do. reading this was heartbreaking.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-06 09:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fuck...
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-07-06 09:53:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2006-07-06 09:49:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-07-06 09:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit me.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-07-06 09:25:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you gotta talk to her.
Submitted by Tracer0351 (user info) at 2006-07-06 09:23:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-07-06 09:05:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*speachless*
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-13 04:08:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did I mention, that I am the one that not only revised this, but labeled it as well>>???!?!?!
Submitted by soccer (user info) at 2006-05-11 02:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-11 02:14:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant. And thanks to the reviewer below me who stuck this on MRR, otherwise I might not have seen it.
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-05-11 02:04:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am so sad for you, truely. :hugs:
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-11 01:41:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, you probably won't see this, but I have labeled this as my favorite of your works. Both parts are fucking brilliant.
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-09-13 02:06:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2005-08-17 02:15:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-08-16 19:10:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am at a loss for words. Exquisite writing... I don't know what else to say.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-08-16 18:09:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-16 14:08:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jinhenkim (user info) at 2005-08-16 09:42:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
really good writing. and good ending too
Submitted by Thored (user info) at 2005-08-16 00:47:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I usually don't read or pay attention to anything serious. That was bloody good.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-08-15 20:48:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not half as fictional as i'd like it to be.
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:16:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolutley brilliant.
Thank you
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:58:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:55:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CoffeeAndSmokes (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:37:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FallenZer0 (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:33:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
amazing
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Richard_Whitely (user info) at 2005-08-15 05:04:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
A real man would force himself upon her... i mean cmon, she's too weak to do anything about it.... then you can give her some poison and say it was the cancer just so that no one will find out your dirty secret
I laughed WAY too hard at this... Yeah, I know. I'm going straight to hell.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:08:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesomeness
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:35:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The love of my life just married the man she left me for. I've been drinking a lot...
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:20:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
The romantic thing to do here is kill yourself and be with her forever. You better get started, you got a lot of catching up to do.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-15 10:59:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh for fucks sake, somebody give this a '-2 ***cries emo tears***' already, I'm starting to lose faith in Uber.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-08-15 10:46:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...
I wish I could write this well. Can I steal your talent?
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2005-08-15 10:39:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ThineJericho (user info) at 2005-08-15 10:38:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment needed.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-08-15 10:31:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This quality of writing motivated me to email Bart to acquire a username, become verified, and become an Uberer.
On a side note: My first love is now unmarried, has three kids, and herpes.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-08-15 09:47:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(speechless)
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-08-15 09:43:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am going home early now, because of this.
Good, very good!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-15 09:40:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good writing
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-15 09:23:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess you can add another "wow" to the list.
Wow.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-15 09:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No....Comment?
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-08-15 09:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heat!
More people need to read this.
Submitted by mazellan (user info) at 2005-08-15 08:44:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great writing
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-08-15 08:41:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-15 08:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PLUS
FUCKING
TWO
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-08-15 08:30:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fine job on this one, I enjoyed it.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-08-15 08:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy crap. One of the most powerful pieces of writing i've ever seen, on Uber or elsewhere.
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2005-08-15 08:04:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2005-08-15 08:00:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow - Can't tell if this is fact or fiction, but it deserves every single +2 it's going to get - simply amazing
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-15 07:59:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another because the ratings don't go high enough.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-15 07:57:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was brilliant, sincerely.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-08-15 07:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a real first love, and then she put my heart into my science teacher's cabinet of things to dissect. Couldn't even cut it open herself (she wrote a breakup note and made her friend deliver it).
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-08-15 07:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've often thought of such things myself. Mine probably wouldn't even remember who I am.
In any event, this was well done.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-08-15 06:59:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
7 shades of awesome.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-08-15 06:07:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YES! This was very good.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-15 06:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate it when that happens
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2005-08-15 05:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2005-08-15 05:41:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If this is fiction, it's gifted. If not, you have balls the size of church bells for being willing to share it. Either way it was outstanding.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-15 05:16:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Richard_Whitely (user info) at 2005-08-15 05:04:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
A real man would force himself upon her... i mean cmon, she's too weak to do anything about it.... then you can give her some poison and say it was the cancer just so that no one will find out your dirty secret
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's it man, you've peaked right there. This is the funniest gag you will ever tell.
It's all downhill from here.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-08-15 05:14:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Written well, very
Submitted by ShadowFacsimile (user info) at 2005-08-15 00:59:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
very well written
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Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2005-08-14 23:23:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written... Very Well.
Submitted by Richard_Whitely (user info) at 2005-08-15 05:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A real man would force himself upon her... i mean cmon, she's too weak to do anything about it.... then you can give her some poison and say it was the cancer just so that no one will find out your dirty secret
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-15 04:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not only is this good writing but it's a genius idea, everyone is terrified that all this actually happened so nobody is going to dare give this anything other than a +2. I'm not going to buck that trend though, who do you think I am, some kind of prick?
Submitted by iradney (user info) at 2005-08-15 04:49:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2005-08-15 03:21:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I agree, very good!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-15 03:20:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't even know what to say.
I hope this is fiction, but if not.....<hug>.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-08-15 03:16:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wowch.
Powerful fucking writing dude.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-15 02:19:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-15 01:57:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-08-15 01:33:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, man.
Submitted by ShadowFacsimile (user info) at 2005-08-15 00:59:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very well written
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2005-08-14 23:23:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written... Very Well.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-14 22:58:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You go in, you say,
"Hey baby! I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop by. So...uh....<look around room> you come here often?"
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-14 22:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Real man goes in...and gets hurt...bad...but tries to make her smile anyway.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-14 22:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-08-14 22:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Exodus (user info) at 2005-08-14 22:34:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit... This is amazing.
Submitted by WellFedEthiopian (user info) at 2005-08-14 22:33:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am without words.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-08-14 22:28:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-14 22:27:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow.
I hope this is fiction.