Balls Deep Behind Enemy Lines: Guns, Cars and Palaeontologists (2453 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: UberPlanet
Rating: 1.9 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <> (View user info) at 2005-08-14 16:15:05 EDT
The last major stop on our tour of all things Midwestern was the Badlands. If you haven't been there, go, it's as cool as fuck. Actually, cool is probably the least appropriate word to describe the Badlands in mid-July. I thought Cuba was hot but Jesus Christ, it was the kind of weather where you have to keep moving just to create some kind of breeze. The temptation to knock someone unconscious, cover them in eggs and time how long it took for them to cook was almost too much for me. I'm sure they would have had at least a 50/50 chance of survival - you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs and you can't conduct good science experiments without at least one near-fatality.
This was fossil country, and there were actual palaeontologists around digging shit up that you could go and talk to. Which was fascinating, until Brad decided he wasn't satisfied with his lack of input into the conversation. Then it just became an exercise in frustration. He'd got it into his head that sonar would be the most effective way to locate high concentrations of fossils in the ground so that they would better know where to dig and posited this theory to our Fossil Woman. She explained that the fossils naturally take on the qualities of the rock they are in so there wouldn't be much, if any, contrast between fossilised remains and the rock, making sonar useless. So far, so good.
Until he asked her again. And again. And again. Apparently seeing Jurassic Park is all you need to be more knowledgeable on the subject of fossil excavation than a qualified palaeontologist. On his 15th insistence that they should be using sonar, the Fossil Woman looked over at me and I tried my best to convey the message "I'm so sorry, they've let him out of hospital for the day" via the gift of facial expression.
As much fun as it would have been to watch a girl with a trowel beat seven shades of shit out of him, I dragged him away just as the phrase "Palaeontologists don't know shit" was about to escape his lips. We beat a hasty retreat from the Badlands and headed back down through Iowa (thanks Richard) to Indiana and then Kentucky.
It was in Kentucky that I learned how to drive. We took Brad's piece of shit car out down the back roads and burned some rubber. Chances of me wrecking the car were quite high but, frankly, it would have been a mercy killing. Never before have I sat in a car that smells like the ass of a maggot-infested tapir.
I went from pootling along at ten miles per hour to reversing round corners at speed in a couple of hours. There was an unfortunate incident where I tried to turn around in somebody's driveway and careened across their flowerbeds but we don't need to go into that. I was a driving god, a paragon of vehicular control. Unless somebody was driving behind me....
The second another car appeared on the road I would morph into someone who had no business being left in a room alone with sharp objects, let alone in control of a car:
"Shit! Brad, there's someone behind me."
"Don't worry about him, worry about the road in front."
"I want him to go away. Please make him go away."
"Ignore him."
"But....but...what if I suddenly slam on the brakes for no rational reason and kill us all??"
"So don't slam on the brakes."
"Well, that's easy for you to say! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE BRAD! MAKE HIM GO AWAY!"
Given this irrational response to traffic, I think it was both extremely ill-advised and unbelievably cruel for Brad to direct me without warning onto the fucking highway:
"What the fuck is this? Dude, this is a big road! I need to stop!"
"Nuh-uh, you're driving us home."
"WHAT? NO! FUCK YOU! TAKE THE WHEEL!"
"Just drive Kathy."
"But...but...shit! You fucker! Where can I pull off?"
"You can't. Now shut up, take it up to 60 and concentrate on what you're doing."
".......*aneurysm*....."
Remarkably, we made it back in one piece and I spent the next two hours congratulating myself for being awesome, despite all the evidence to the contrary.
It was also in Kentucky that I shot my first gun, largely as a product of the following conversation: (keep in mind that I live just outside London)
"So you don't own a gun?"
"Nope."
"But how do you hunt?"
"I don't."
"My god! Aren't you overrun by deer?!"
".........You've never been to England before, have you."
Picture the scene. A line of beer bottles out in the middle of nowhere. Yours truly holding a semi-automatic. A crowd of Kentuckians standing to my left all clearly thinking "Tee hee, let's see what pussies the English really are." The pressure was on but my god, I brought my A game that day. Arms up. Aim. Fire. Fucking bull's-eye.
First ever shot of a gun and I fucking nailed it. I'd like to tell you I acted with grace and dignity, but as I turned to the crowd the expression on my face clearly said "that's right, fear me." Mentally I was doing a victory lap around the field whilst screaming "ENG-ER-LAND! ENG-ER-LAND!"
All my good 'England rules America' work was undone when they brought out the rifle. My jaw dropped. That's a big fucking gun. I crouched down, braced it against my shoulder and tried to aim. I say tried to because apparently I can't close my left eye without also closing my right, so it was a question of either shooting blind or contorting myself into the world's most uncomfortable position. They'd warned me it was going to be loud but I feel someone really should have stressed the point that it was going to be several volumes above loud and was also going to rip my fucking shoulder off.
"BAM!"
"Holy shit! I'm not moving until someone takes this away from me!"
So much for being a badass.
As we were driving back, Brad unwittingly convinced me to practice my firearm skills until I was a skilled executioner...
"Kathy..."
"Yeah?"
"She was wrong. They could have used sonar."
Previous Episodes (they all stand alone)
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71071 Post 9/11 Security Makes About As Much Sense as my Deranged Grandmother
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71163 AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71252 The Best Thing About Kansas Is The Threat Of Imminent Death
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71300 Mountains, Iced Tea and Wal-Mart in Colorado
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71375 Gettin' Our Teat On in the Tetons, or "It's Fucking Mordor!"
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71560 Good Morning Mr Ranger Sir
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72662 Men on Quad Bikes in the Bighorn Mountains Cannot be Trusted
http://www.ubersite.com/m/73104 Yes, Well Done, You've Just Fucked Up a Nice Mountain
User Reviews
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-23 11:41:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy crap, I have been there
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-08 14:40:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-07 23:26:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read all of these just now. Incredible. Seriously.
===
Thanks dude, glad you enjoyed them.
And Canada's on my list, but it's playing second stage to a West Coast roadtrip at the moment. I quite fancy Hawaii too, purely for this kind of shit: http://www.thewe.cc/thewei/&/images3/environment/lava.jpe
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-07 23:49:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PS: Visit Canada. Granted it's pretty much the same only slightly colder. Ontario/ Quebec is different namely muskoka "cottage country" area (tons of lakes and decidious (sp?) and pine trees) and of course Montreal is gorgeious providing you don't run into Caul.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-07 23:26:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read all of these just now. Incredible. Seriously.
I'd have plus two'd them all if I wasn't so lazy. Please state if this is an issue and maybe I'll go deliver the number twos.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-06 13:51:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WHY?? Because they were great American leaders. So where is your mountaintop
Churchill? Huh? Fuck the Queen.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-11-05 15:38:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-09-10 08:47:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/74730
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-24 03:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nononono, GO MESOHIPPUS!
Really, he's like a tiny prehistorical horse. With a sombrero. And castanets.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-17 11:02:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-17 04:00:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-17 01:22:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's not like he was close enough to save you, anyway.
====
Oh come on. Have you never heard of go-go-gadget-arms?
***********************
* gasp *
Brad's a cyborg? GO CYBORG!!
Submitted by Arthur_Dent (user info) at 2005-08-17 04:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fantabulous.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-17 04:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-17 01:22:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's not like he was close enough to save you, anyway.
====
Oh come on. Have you never heard of go-go-gadget-arms?
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-17 01:22:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, awesome, awesome.
I'd take a picture of you falling to your death too. It's not like he was close enough to save you, anyway. Might as well document your clod-footed demise!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-16 04:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good job making my heart as black and jaded as yours.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-16 04:03:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was sorely disappointed.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-16 03:50:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-16 00:56:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Pssst...Filthy....
I said, "Cincinnati." Did you come here? Did ya? Did ya? Did ya?
===
Remarkably, I just looked Cincinnati up in my interstate atlas thing and just outside it is a town with exactly the same name as mine. It must be an omen. Are you planning to harvest my organs?
We didn't make it that far east dude. South west corner of Indiana was as far as we got.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-16 03:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-15 21:20:50 (#)
Ranking: 1
How come you didn't visit Shlongy for some good ol' fashioned scotch and cunnilingus?
===
Uh, because I think you're a twat?
Get a new schtick dude, this one is nearly as old as you.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-16 00:56:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pssst...Filthy....
I said, "Cincinnati." Did you come here? Did ya? Did ya? Did ya?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-15 21:20:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
How come you didn't visit Shlongy for some good ol' fashioned scotch and cunnilingus?
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-08-15 20:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You certainly do ROCK... get it!? hee harr harr heeehra.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-15 20:35:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha you rock. As does this trip.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-15 18:08:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-15 17:40:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Do not dodge the question you whithey-pale Brit. Though it could be ETS dressed up. You *are* an alter after all.
====
Nah, if I was ETS I would be wearing fishnets and a pair of pink spandex hotpants.
Those sizes mean nothing to me dude - we don't even have a size 9 over here. I do have an arse the size of Bolivia though, if that helps.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-15 17:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-15 17:36:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-15 17:34:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm trying to guess what size you are from this far. Size 9? 10?
===
That picture is actual size Caul, so I'm about 1.2cm.....1.3cm if you take into account you can't see my feet.
====
Do not dodge the question you whithey-pale Brit. Though it could be ETS dressed up. You *are* an alter after all.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-15 17:36:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-15 17:34:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm trying to guess what size you are from this far. Size 9? 10?
===
That picture is actual size Caul, so I'm about 1.2cm.....1.3cm if you take into account you can't see my feet.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-15 17:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm trying to guess what size you are from this far. Size 9? 10?
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-15 17:33:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JusWes (user info) at 2005-08-15 17:17:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the way you write i signed up for ubersite just to rate this!
====
:D
Shit like that brings a warm glow to my black, bitter heart. But then, so does vodka.
Submitted by JusWes (user info) at 2005-08-15 17:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the way you write i signed up for ubersite just to rate this!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for making me want to use my vacation time this year
*sigh*
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:00:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CrazyCanuck (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:46:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did yu get a chance to go through the great town of Sioux CIty , Iowa? You wouldn't be able to miss it with the awful stench that consistantly eminates from it.
I'm so lucky to live a short 30 miles away from it.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:00:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got a badlands pic here too: http://www.ubersite.com/m/70389
Did you skip the black hills? Or maybe I just need to go back and read the two I missed. I also have travel envy.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-08-15 10:13:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I need to stop reading these. They make me want to get back on the road again.
For an awesome travel novel, check out "The Backpacker", by John Harris. Now THAT is a story.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-08-15 09:12:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We can't stop here; this is fossil country.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2005-08-15 03:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was very funny and charming, and the photos are breath-taking! I love the one showing the striations....beautiful.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-15 02:10:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-08-14 20:11:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
hahhhahaha London beating NYC?
hold on
need to catch my breath
hahahahahhaa
only in the olympics sweety.
====
Dude please. London was built by the fucking Romans. Have you got a 2000 year old original boundary wall in the center of NYC? Nuh-uh, didn't think so.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-15 01:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All I was saying about the sonar was that they could find strata that shared the same characteristics as the one in which they were finding all the fossils, which used to be a watering hole.
Either that, or just get a massive backhoe out there and start diggin' that shit up! Hell, get two backhoes involved and let's make a race out of it!
Creep: I had actually thought about creating a database of uberers who wanted to share their space with each other while on their respective travels.
That site beat me to it. Maybe we should still do it anyway. We all know how much we love to be imposed upon by pseudo strangers from the internet.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-08-14 20:52:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Filthy... Oh, I'm going to do some traveling soon. Expecially if you keep posting these. I'm also reading a book where the author travels all over Europe, and that's got me on edge, too.
I think I need to find some more spontanious friends... all of my friends balk at the idea of travelling... either that, or they say "YAY! Sounds sooo fun! Lets do it!" but when it comes down to cruch time I find out that they have no money saved, and no time off of work.
**
Creep... hah, I'll check out the site. I have a feeling it's just going to make me want to travel MORE than I already do.
AND YOU KNOW WHAQT!
The more you travel (the more I travel, I mean), the more I want to travel... it's not something that is satiable.
I've been all OVER the US (almost to every state, god dammit), I've been to Egypt, Italy, Mexico... Canada... but now I just want to do it MORE.
I think it's this: Once you realize how accessable traveling IS, it's nearly impossible to make excuses as to why NOT to travel.
I shouldn't drink and be online, it makes me already bad spelling worse.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-14 20:50:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture of you about to lose your footing and plunge screaming down the side of the tall rock thing is glorious.
I can just imagine Brad hounding the paleo - paleao - pally - dinosaur lady.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-14 20:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cincinnati
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-08-14 20:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very +2.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-14 20:28:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gorgeous.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-08-14 20:28:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-08-14 20:11:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahhhahaha London beating NYC?
hold on
need to catch my breath
hahahahahhaa
only in the olympics sweety.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-14 20:01:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-08-14 19:52:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
answer my fucking question:
why the fuck are you guys going around the midwest?
===
Why not? I'm fairly sure London kicks NYC's arse any day of the week, but we haven't got anything over here even remotely like the Tetons.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-08-14 19:52:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
answer my fucking question:
why the fuck are you guys going around the midwest?
i mean, NYC or Montana?
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-14 19:34:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That website looks pretty cool, creep. Thanks, I might sign up.
No doubt I will be back in America in due course so if anyone wants a flying visit from an english dignitary, shout. None-irritating people visiting the UK are welcome to stay in my house on the grounds that they don't steal my reservoir dogs action figures.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-08-14 19:02:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-14 17:14:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
I need creep to make me a 'one mesohippus town' t-shirt.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Geek.
These were spectacular, by the way. Exciting and humorous portrayal of the adventure of someone with the balls to just say "fuck it" and go exploring.
To you and Corinne, may I suggest:
http://www.couchsurfing.com/index.html
Because it's the coolest shit I have ever seen. I really want to become a member, but Tiff is being very wary of things like <little quotey fingers>strangers in our house</little quotey fingers> and <little quotey fingers>spending all of our money on travel</little quotey fingers> now that little Lily Christine will be born on January 13th-ish of 2006. Ultrasound appointments with that there baby doctor will wreak havoc on your priorities.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-14 17:57:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-14 17:48:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
You drove right past me....and neither of us ever knew....
===
Where do you live?
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-14 17:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You drove right past me....and neither of us ever knew....
Submitted by krootons (user info) at 2005-08-14 17:30:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those look like the South Dakota Badlands. Should check out the Badlands in North Dakota. It's
more red, less gray, and.. well.. more red. WE HAVE RED.
Awesome series though.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-14 17:14:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-08-14 17:07:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
This series is massively entertaining.
+50,000 to you for mesohippus.
===
Heh, thanks.
I need creep to make me a 'one mesohippus town' t-shirt.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-14 17:13:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-08-14 17:06:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck if these posts dont make me angry.
I'm so jealous. I'm not saying that in the typical, "I'll be nice and kiss so-and-so's-uber-ass" way... I'm seriously jealous. It makes my stomach hurt to know that I'm sitting home eating potato-chips while you traipse around THE GREAT WEST.
And north.
And everyfuckingwhere.
===
Beg for the time off work, grab your credit card and go - if you don't make it happen, it won't. We all need more holidays.
If you don't have the funds/freedom to go on a big jaunt, maybe you do a couple of day trips? There must be something awesome in your area that you've never seen.
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-08-14 17:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This series is massively entertaining.
+50,000 to you for mesohippus.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-08-14 17:06:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck if these posts dont make me angry.
I'm so jealous. I'm not saying that in the typical, "I'll be nice and kiss so-and-so's-uber-ass" way... I'm seriously jealous. It makes my stomach hurt to know that I'm sitting home eating potato-chips while you traipse around THE GREAT WEST.
And north.
And everyfuckingwhere.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-14 16:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm inordinatly pleased with my mesohippus joke. Now THATS comedy.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-08-14 16:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was also in Kentucky that I shot my first gun, largely as a product of the following conversation: (keep in mind that I live just outside London)
----------
Would have been funnier if you had used the word "previous" instead of "following"
Submitted by iradney (user info) at 2005-08-14 16:20:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love you
and i just wet my pants