The Erotic Adventures of a Boy and his Bike (Part 1) (6315 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.28 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom <theubertom.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-08-13 16:50:05 EDT
"Damn it." Mumbled Billy as he saw that beautiful vixen, Britney Pierce walk by. "Wouldn't give me a second thought.
"Fuck her dude, she's a bitch." Replied Robert, his best friend.
"I'd like to."
"Dude, she's got a pussy like a dog in heat." He laughed. Billy laughed too.
"Man, I just wanna fuck something." Billy frowned.
"I've never known such a fuck-hungry 13 year old." Robert condescendingly smiled at his friend, who was thinking of nothing more than his distraught and quite dry peener. "Dude, I gotta catch my bus. See you tomorrow." Robert picked up his bag, slung it over his scrawny shoulder and left the room.
Billy hopped on his bike as soon as he got outside to the bike rack and slammed his ass down on it. Then he slowly moved back and forth on the bike's seat, allowing it to stimulate him slightly. He heard giggles coming from behind him. He turned to see, and it was that bitch Britney and one of her peppy little friends.
"I was, uhh, just adjusting the seat." Billy stammered.
"Whatever, queer." She shook her head and walked away.
"Shit." He mumbled to himself as he biked away from the school. "At least my bike won't judge me." He smiled as he looked down at his bike. They pedaled and had a good old time, until he got home, where he threw his bike down in the front yard. He ran inside, where he saw his mother making dinner. "Hey mom." He ran up and kissed her.
"How was school dear?"
"It was pretty good. Got a good grade on my math test. After school I anally stimulated myself with my bike seat but I didn't realize Britney was watching me and she called me a queer."
"Aww, honey, you gotta be careful. You know I like anally stimulating myself with my bike too, but society judges bike fuckers in the worst way."
"I know." Billy looked at his feet.
"Now, why don't you go up to your room and start your homework?"
"Okay mom!" He got up and ran up the stairs to his bedroom. His mom wiped a tear from her eye.
"My little bike fucker is growing up."
Once in his room, Billy started his essay. The teacher told the class to write an essay detailing something that they think needs to be brought to public attention. "This would be perfect!" Said Billy. "I can bring attention to the hidden bike-fucker movement, it could get to a congressman, and maybe even to the supreme court! We could make it legal, and normal!" And with that, Billy started off his five-paragraph essay.
"How to start," He thought to himself. "A good opening statement. Hmm. Okay." Billy began dictating to himself.
"Bike fucking has been a tradition in my family, as well as many other families we've met." Oh, that was good. "Bike fucking is just like regular fucking, except with a bike instead of a girl. Some people think it is gay, that's why they shun it so much. Bike fucking could become the greatest pass-time of America, like baseball!"
"Hmmm." Billy thought to himself, becoming horny at the idea of fucking his bike. "Second paragraph. What should I say? Okay. Hmmm." He thought for a moment and started on the next paragraph.
"Bike fucking is a very simple thing to do." He started, wanting to make it as matter-of-fact as possible. "There are all sorts of ways to bike-fuck. For girls, you can just stick the handlebars into your vagina, and for guys you can stimulate your anus with the seat, or even the handlebars too. Personally, I like the seat. I haven't done much bike fucking in my time because, well, bike fucking is new to me. Really, I discovered it on accident. I went to Sunday mass to confess, and the man told me that bike fucking is okay with God, and that he often bike fucks himself. He reminded me, though, that masturbation is bad. And it is."
"That's a great second paragraph!" He said excitedly. It talked about the gender identification and the allowance with God. What could be better? He started on his third paragraph.
"Some people say bike fucking is gay. Well, it's not. Gay sex is gay. Bike fucking is just bike fucking. There's nothing gay about it. Straight couples often anally stimulate each other. It feels quite good during sex, after all. I imagine you know already. "
The paragraph was a bit short, but it served its purpose. Billy continued writing his essay, and he ended up falling asleep shortly after its completion. He was excited to turn it in. Maybe it would spark the next bike fucking revolution?
"I got an F?" He exclaimed as he got his paper back. "See me after class, what? Shit!" He exclaimed.
"William!" The teacher yelled. "No language in my classroom." He slumped down into his chair. She was obviously discriminating. He didn't understand what was so wrong about having sex with your bike.
After class, she talked with him about what a submittable entry is. "This is unacceptable. Repeated use of the F word, sexual dialogue, explaining how to...stimulate yourself with a bike? I couldn't pass this on to a congressman."
"How do YOU know?"
"Billy, I'm going to have to call your mother. This is unacceptable." With that, she shooed the boy out of her classroom. As soon as he got home, his mother confronted him.
"You know that people don't understand us. Don't force it upon them."
"I know."
"Billy, there's nothing wrong with being a bike fucker. If you want to be a bike fucker, go ahead and be a bike fucker. But I don't want you toting it around. I'm a psychiatrist. If they found out that my son was a bike fucker, I'd be in trouble."
"My teacher's just a scooter fucker anyway."
"I will NOT have that language in my house. You know how I feel about...scooter fucking! Go to your room."
Billy was furious. When he got to his room, he decided he was going to fuck his bike to make him feel better. Then, he noticed something he'd never noticed on his bike. At the very end, there was an open pipe. He wondered, "Could I fit it in?" He lubed up and stuck it in. SUCCESS! It fit! "Oh MAN!" He said to himself as he started to have rough sex with his bike.
"Oh oh oh." He put his O-Face on. After a few more minutes, he let out a long moan and ejaculated into the bike. He flopped down and went flaccid again. He noticed his bike moving. Suddenly, it was glowing, then the aura slowly faded. The bike turned itself around and started talking to Billy!
"THANKS!" He yelled. "Your jizz has brought me to life!"
"WHAT?" He screamed.
"Don't yell, Billy, your load has given me a new lease on life! I can walk! I can talk! I can siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!"
"What on God's green motherfuck is this shit?"
"Billy, I'll be your best friend. We can talk, play, and even bike-fuck!" This caught Billy's attention.
"You like to bike fuck?"
"Weyeah! Of course I do!"
"Oh bike, I love you." Billy hugged the bike.
"Please," the bike beamed. "Call me Steve."
User Reviews
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-06-26 15:32:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the sheer absurdity...
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-26 15:19:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://tinyurl.com/2v2a8l
Submitted by DasHeer (user info) at 2007-05-15 11:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA
"YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT... SCOOTER FUCKING"
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-05-10 03:21:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*honkkkkkkkkkkkk*
*honkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk*
I have a truck.
Brummm brummm.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-05-10 00:32:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*ring ring*
Submitted by fell-8-me (user info) at 2007-05-09 22:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ring your bell if you're a bike-fucker...
Submitted by RustyShackleford (user info) at 2007-05-09 22:24:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
reminds me of the good old days....
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-05-09 22:07:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-08-14 23:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My little bike fucker is growing up."
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2006-09-01 17:39:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
While the topic is a bit fucked, the writing was good. And in the end, the boy is ghey with his ghey bike Steve.....GHEY!!!
Submitted by DoctorPhil (user info) at 2006-06-21 20:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The author is obviously making a desperate call for help here folks, very sick person.....
Submitted by DirtyDoubleEntendre (user info) at 2006-06-12 19:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-09-03 20:55:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want you to know this is one of the finest pieces of true hilarity ever to grace Uber.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-15 07:52:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What the fuck? This is gash. Why has this got a positive rating?
You're all sheep!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-08-14 23:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My little bike fucker is growing up."
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-14 23:01:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
glad to see you writing again.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-08-14 22:58:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-08-13 23:22:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
The erstwhile question, "Who is a filthy chink?", can definately be addressed here. Unabonger is a filthy chink- an asshole/shit-sandwhich-eating pussy little boy with a dysfunctional pot addiction which leaves him addled and fucked up. Ha ha, asshole! I got over my pot use and brought it to a satisfying and controllable level, whereas you're still addicted! And that amuses me, because your brain is getting hollowed out in certain key areas and you're STILL compounding the damage.
Sucker bitch.
______________________________
way to go, moron...you've proven yourself retarded. fact is i haven't smoked pot or done any drugs in a months. moving to a new city with no connections tends to do that. But if I was high, I'd still think you're a fucking moron so it doesn't matter any way.
HAR HAR UNAB0NGZ0RZ eS ADDICT3D!!!! I R PHAT AWEs0ME SO BOW TO ME CUZ I RN'T SMOKING TEH DRUGZZZZZ0RZ!!!
you're *gulp* amazing!
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-08-14 22:33:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Perfect +1
Submitted by sixxforty (user info) at 2005-08-14 20:54:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-08-14 01:35:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have my gaybabies.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-08-13 23:22:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The erstwhile question, "Who is a filthy chink?", can definately be addressed here. Unabonger is a filthy chink- an asshole/shit-sandwhich-eating pussy little boy with a dysfunctional pot addiction which leaves him addled and fucked up. Ha ha, asshole! I got over my pot use and brought it to a satisfying and controllable level, whereas you're still addicted! And that amuses me, because your brain is getting hollowed out in certain key areas and you're STILL compounding the damage.
Sucker bitch.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-08-13 22:19:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-08-13 22:18:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-08-13 17:26:46 (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-08-13 17:03:37 (#)
Ranking: -1
although incredibly creative, this just didn't make me laugh at all nor did it keep me entertained. It was like waiting for a punch line that never came
________________________________________________________
More like waiting for an orgasm that never came. My balls hurt after reading that bike story.
"Whatever Queer."
___
Fuck you pencil-dicked niggers, this piece of writing was so hilarious and wonderful I want to grow a handlebar mustache and stick it in my vag.
____________________________________________________________
if this shitty fluff is entertaining to you, you'd probably *have* to fuck yourself.
go for it.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-08-13 22:18:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-08-13 17:26:46 (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-08-13 17:03:37 (#)
Ranking: -1
although incredibly creative, this just didn't make me laugh at all nor did it keep me entertained. It was like waiting for a punch line that never came
________________________________________________________
More like waiting for an orgasm that never came. My balls hurt after reading that bike story.
"Whatever Queer."
___
Fuck you pencil-dicked niggers, this piece of writing was so hilarious and wonderful I want to grow a handlebar mustache and stick it in my vag.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-08-13 21:51:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn Tom.
as Loki would say DAHAM.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-08-13 18:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have a sick and twist, plus weird ass mind.
Then again, we all do.
Keep it up. +2
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-08-13 18:25:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Weird, bizzare, seek professional help. :P
Submitted by hafguitarist6767 (user info) at 2005-08-13 18:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is the best post ive EVER read on this site
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-08-13 18:13:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uhhh, dude?
Where in the hell do you come up with this stuff?
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-08-13 17:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This started somewhat normal, and went all to shit from there. This is great.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-08-13 17:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, like us, let your children run wild and free, because as the old
saying goes, let your children run wild and free.
-- Homer Simpson
Bart vs. Australia
____________________________________________________
These Simpsons quotes are frightening sometimes...
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-08-13 17:38:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-08-13 17:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-08-13 17:03:37 (#)
Ranking: -1
although incredibly creative, this just didn't make me laugh at all nor did it keep me entertained. It was like waiting for a punch line that never came
________________________________________________________
More like waiting for an orgasm that never came. My balls hurt after reading that bike story.
"Whatever Queer."
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-08-13 17:20:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 because my best friend tells me(I'm female, he's male) he favored the rubber handlebar grip when he first discovered masturbation. Now he's my favorite person.
Bike fuckers are OK in my book.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-08-13 17:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Attn: Bike-Fucking Menz
Submitted by Orla (user info) at 2005-08-13 17:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So. . . bike fucking *is* gay.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-08-13 17:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
although incredibly creative, this just didn't make me laugh at all nor did it keep me entertained. It was like waiting for a punch line that never came.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-08-13 16:58:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You are completely and utterly fucked in the head.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2005-08-13 16:57:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"go ride your bike" has a new connotation
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-08-13 16:56:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was realy, really, REALLY wierd.