The cleaning guy at work needs to calm down (5132 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.92 on 61 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by comicbookguy (View user info) at 2005-07-25 12:04:03 EDT
Comicbookguy and the office bathroom do not get along.
I work for a small company which occupies one floor in a massive office building. As a result, our floor has the "privilege" of two bathrooms, each holding two stalls and two urinals.
Now, anyone who knows me will tell you that I am, and have always been, a urinal guy. I have eroded many a urinal cakes in my life time. However, my love for urinals is subject to certain conditions, and unfortunately, my office bathroom violates one of these conditions. The two urinals in my office bathroom are only a mere 10 inches apart. For those of you that need a better visual, envision my penis. Due to a minimal two bathrooms and a total of four urinals amongst a floor of at least 50-60 men, this guarantees that when you are pissing, there's a good chance that there will be another man pissing beside you. Why this a problem? I'll tell you. It's a problem because every fucking Office Space guy at work loves to have a conversation with you while you urinate, and if there's one think I won't stand for, it's a sober urinal conversation.
I came in to work as I always do this summer, 85 minutes late. Two cups of coffee later, my body naturally told me that it was time to urinate. This particular urination was coming on pretty hot and heavy, so I left my cubicle in a bit of a hurry to release the tension. Unfortunately, in my haste, I completely disregarded my urinal rule, and as luck would have it, 4 seconds into my piss, the washroom cleaning guy was peeing right beside me.
This guy was a real piece of work. He had on a "utility belt" which housed several types of disinfectant, four sponges, and a dozen toilet paper rolls. He was also fat and hairy. Mr. Clean is clearly not indicative of all cleaning men.
"Nice day huh?"
SIGH. Yeah, real nice in day INSIDE THE WASHROOM DUMBASS.
"Yeah."
"Did you happen to catch Canadian Idol last night?"
For my American readers, understand that if American Idol is terrible, Canadian Idol, without hyperbole, is eight billion times worse. And if things weren't bad enough, I realized that in addition to taking a piss, there was a storm a brewin' in my ass as well. I finished peeing and made my way to the sink to wash my hands.
The question was: how was I to make the transition from urinal to sink to stall? It was a little awkward to say the least. Was I supposed to wait the cleaning guy out? When was he going to clean the stall? Why won't he stop fucking talking about Canadian idol?
Unfortunately, as this man continued to blabber on beside me, I realized that action needed to be taken before I blew a hole in my boxers. My stomach was gurgling like Dexter's fucking laboratory.
"Excuse me," I interrupted. "I hate to end this conversation, but I have to get back to work."
"Oh! Oh of course...you have more important things to do, I understand. Glass ceilings and what not. Why bother talking to me, I just clean toilets..." he muttered.
"Riiight."
I bolted.
I hauled ass out of there, ran all the way to the other side of the floor, launched myself into the other bathroom, and leaped into the open stall. I ripped down my pants and boxers in one fell swoop and shit like I had never shat before. I moaned in pure pleasure. I think at one point I actually levitated to a state which can only be described as nirvana. It was like the shit induced version of an herbal essences commercial.
YES! YES! OH GOD YES!
7 minutes later, the evil deed was accomplished. I walked out whistling, dusting my hands off on a job well done.
As I made my way out to the sink the washroom door opened.
The cleaning guy walked in and looked right at me.
"What...what are you doing here?"
"Uh....what are YOU doing here?"
"I'm cleaning the bathroom."
"Oh. Right."
What was my next move? He was blocking the only path to the sink. His eyes narrowed and his brows furrowed. OH GOOD LORD HOW THEY FURROWED.
"I see what's going on here. Look at you, big shot office worker, too good to make a little conversation with a lowly cleaning guy."
"I'm...just an assistant."
"WELL I CLEAN SHIT FOR A LIVING!"
I backed up a bit and put my hands up defensively. "Listen man...I just don't like...doing number two when there's somebody else in the bathroom all right? That's all. Nothing against you."
The man didn't say a word. He just stared. I saw his fingers inching towards the Lysol spray.
That's when we both heard the "click."
In my haste to relieve myself of shit, I was completely oblivious of my surroundings and didn't realize that the urinal next to me was also occupied.
The stall door opened.
My supervisor walked out.
Picture the scene if you will.
One cleaning guy stationed in front of the sinks.
One confused Indian just wanting to wash his hands.
One supervisor, clearly having listened to the whole conversation, finally working up the courage to leave the stall.
Everyone stood around for what seemed like 9000 minutes.
My supervisor cleared his throat.
"You...you have that report ready Comic?"
"Uh...Yes Mr. Brandt."
"How...how bouts we go take a look at it eh?"
"Yes Mr. Brandt."
I waited until Mr. Brandt pushed past psycho cleaning guy to wash his hands so I could do the same. I didn't use soap. I just rinsed and moved on. I could his evil clean eyes burning into my skull as I left the washroom.
Mr. Brandt and I didn't utter a word. We entered his office and he shut the door.
He gestured for me so sit down, and I obliged.
He went around the desk to his leather chair, sat down, leaned back, stretched his arms, and looked right at me.
"I took a massive shit in there too," he said.
User Reviews
Submitted by EdaphonE (user info) at 2006-11-28 10:50:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! what a punch line
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-07-24 06:51:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I took a huge shit in there too.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-20 03:51:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate shitting at work. It's just not right. I'd rather put up with cramps if it means I can settle on my own throne and launch some brown galleons down into the briny depths.
If I could teleport I'd never use any shitter but my own - just nip back to do the business. I think it's a man thing actually. Sure women go to the toilet in packs (which still perturbs me) - but for a bloke, the solitary pursuit of having a crap while reading the paper is somehow life affirming.
Submitted by LadyJay (user info) at 2006-01-20 03:40:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant, I laughed till i cried, then laughed some more!
Submitted by humbletim (user info) at 2006-01-20 03:08:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi dude -- I want to work with you to produce some short films based on your stories. Please contact me back! humbletim _at_ gmail _dot_ com --Timmy
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-14 06:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-19 15:12:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are, hands down, the greatest writer on this site.
Every line=pure gold
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2005-09-07 15:43:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That cleaning guy totally wanted to do you.
Not in the pooper though. You know, sanitary reasons.
HITWHORE! http://www.ubersite.com/m/74666 It's Leonard Nimoy singing about hobbits. You know you want to.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2005-08-30 16:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-07-27 22:04:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Stridin on through
Throwin out a plus two
Cos this CBG story
Is about toilets and poo.
_______________
I don't know why this made me laugh hard too.. I guess the story put me in the mood.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-08-16 16:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great Shit.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-08-01 08:58:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing as always Mr. CBG!!
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-07-31 20:30:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think at one point I actually levitated to a state which can only be described as nirvana. It was like the shit induced version of an herbal essences commercial.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-07-29 11:05:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats just fucking awesome.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-07-28 21:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yo, you gotta e-mail me at djbabysmooth.at.hotmail.com and explain this or else you'll be DQ'ed from UM III:
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Submitted by RandomJose (user info) at 2005-07-26 16:40:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
I was joking when I said e-mail me for votes, now I vote against you.
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Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-07-27 22:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stridin on through
Throwin out a plus two
Cos this CBG story
Is about toilets and poo.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-27 21:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait... You're Indian?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE BLACK!
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-07-27 21:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The cleaning guy walked in and looked right at me.
"What...what are you doing here?"
"Uh....what are YOU doing here?"
"I'm cleaning the bathroom."
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:43:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by justsayno (user info) at 2005-07-26 07:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mad
Submitted by krayZpaving (user info) at 2005-07-26 07:20:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A 1.75 would be the real rating - good, but not up to the top of your standard.
Hope you enjoyed Oz.
Poop nirvana - lol.
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2005-07-26 02:01:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-25 21:16:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-07-25 18:32:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
That's the wonderful thing about being Indian. You could walk out of the restroom wearing shit mittens and one would have to be pretty observant to ever notice.
________________________________________________________
<laugh, gasps, dies>
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-07-25 18:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's the wonderful thing about being Indian. You could walk out of the restroom wearing shit mittens and one would have to be pretty observant to ever notice.
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-07-25 18:27:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yippie, your back. I haven't been here in a while, how was Australia?
Submitted by Vix (user info) at 2005-07-25 18:23:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh that is great stuff, and Canadian Idol does suck, Kaylan Porter, Really?
Submitted by Boon (user info) at 2005-07-25 16:56:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the bit about Canadian Idol, and the poop nirvana. I thought you could've wrapped the story up a bit better though.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-25 16:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You shit gold as always.
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-07-25 16:03:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha. Well done.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this post put me in the exact same state of nirvana.
well-fucking-done.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-07-25 14:11:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Obviously, I can never compete with Seinfeld. Alas, the beauty of his show was that any of those situations are applicable to many aspects of real life. Clearly, the door man episode is better than this post.
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-07-25 14:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This scenario was good when Seinfeld did it - door man style.
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-07-25 14:05:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LMAO
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YES!!!!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:26:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:08:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
should have proofread better. Sorry.
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I'm pretty sure that should have been "proofreaded" there Champ.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They have flys painted on the inside of urinals in Germany and Amsterdam. I still piss on he floor, because its Germany... and Amsterdam
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:10:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:09:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now, thats what I call a team-building exercise. Forget all that climbing walls in the forest crap we have to do.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:07:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"if there's one think I won't stand for, it's a sober urinal conversation."
The solution to your problem is right there.
key word: "sober"
Submitted by kadunkadunk (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:05:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well done!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-25 13:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG YOUR BOSS SHITS IN A URINAL???
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny.
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:44:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I chuckled. Thanks...
BUT
What is a urinal cake?
Indian from India, or Native American like Cherokee? Kumar or Quanto?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:41:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:14:09 (#)
Ranking: -2
FUCK! When I say urinal next to me, I mean stall.
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This aspect confused me. But then I am easily confused.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:39:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:24:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice. i did a little blurb on urinal cakes you might en joy. http://www.ubersite.com/m/68681
good to have you back around
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:20:57 (#)
Ranking: 1
Hate to ruin your perfect streak and all, but it was a 'fun' post, not a deluge of greatness.
------------------
LIK OMG U WUINED A CBG POST!!!!!!!
BART U BETTAR BAN HIM LIK NOW!!!!!!!!!1
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:23:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Clean you hands!!!!!!!
do not mistake cleaning guy leaning against a wall for one of those rotating towel things and dry you hands on his blue uniform.
this also apllies to cleaners with uniforms of other colours, though it would be harder to mistake them for a blue towel then.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:22:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You classist and elitist snob, talk to the poor guy!
hahaha +2
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:20:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hate to ruin your perfect streak and all, but it was a 'fun' post, not a deluge of greatness.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:20:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You getting anywhere with your UM title?
Submitted by CLAIRE1 (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:19:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ending was good.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You took a major dump....and hoped the water from the faucet would magically clean your hands?
I'd choose using soap next time, but it's your call
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking love you, man.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God I love poopy posts.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have gotten many a fuckky look from cleaning people when I shat in the urinal.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:14:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
FUCK! When I say urinal next to me, I mean stall.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:10:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"In my haste to relieve myself of shit, I was completely oblivious of my surroundings and didn't realize that the urinal next to me was also occupied. "
I had to start over because of that line confusing the hell out of me, Michael Jackson. Who cares though.
And Canadian Idol rocks the house ey! Shamone!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:09:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ohs shit, I've gone lightheaded from laughing!
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-07-25 12:08:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
should have proofread better. Sorry.