How to turn a drunken idea in to a poorly written post, or, I like brackets (489 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -1.28 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Adam Marflitt <adam_the_incontinent.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-07-12 05:50:05 EDT
How to become the most amazing / coolest thing ever, which is obviously a Psychotic super genius zombie ninja pirate cyborg. (We were talking about this a couple of nights ago at a house party whilst drunk and stoned. I, being quite sad, spent some time thinking about how cool this was, then even more time working out how to become that cool and finally some more time writing all this down when I'm working. And then proof reading it and thinking about how pathetic I am. Well its more fun than looking at porn and then rushing to the toilet to jerk off before anyone notices I'm standing to attention. Ok so it's not more fun but you can only do that so often or your poor little fellow starts to hurt and your co-workers think you have die... diarer.. dyorear... the shits)
*1* Be a pirate (If you're not already a pirate then tough, you are just not cut out to be a hero to all right thinking men everywhere)
*2* Train for several years under a Karate / Ninjitsu / Kendo / Jedi master who belittles your efforts until you succeed and then belittles your haircut and / or general demeanour (You should at this point have a cool nickname like grasshopper or padawan).
*3* This one is a little tricky, so listen carefully grasshopper. Invent some really awesome cyborg implants like laser beams coming from ocular implants and twirling multi-tool dealies that attach to your arm. The implants will be so awe inspiring that people should say "Shizzle!! That's the most amazing implant ever" even as you are mangling there soon to be totally limp and lifeless bodies.
*4* Hack off some limbs and remove a couple of organs using only an ordinary pair of gardening shears, 2 handkerchiefs and a whole lot of "skate it off bitch". Then attach the implants using only your own mouth and a very highly trained pot plant.
*5* Gamble, in fact, just play poker, everybody who is tough plays poker, or Russian roulette. Either is good.
*6* Your last task is to zombify what is left of your mutilated body (Zombify! new word, I kick Microsoft's arse, spell checker sucks, I know loads of words it doesn't, like Shizzle (Shizzle: An exclamation of surprise or excitement e.g. On seeing that a car just turned into Mao Tze Tung, Gregory said "Shizzle! I can't believe that just happened", when hearing the news that London got the 2012 Olympics "Shizzle! This is so sweet!"), and Scambo (Scambo: An all purpose word that can be exchanged for any other word if said word is forgotten e.g. where did I leave that Scambo, When are you going to Scambo me, Scambo scambo scambo scambo)). There is only one known way to become a zombie, become the head of a British Business empire and then create a virus that turns people into zombies when they drink leaves in hot water with milk and sugar. Lets call this virus the Tea-virus.
Congratulations you are now 5 minutes older and have gained nothing from reading this post.
User Reviews
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-12 08:37:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
When my hand hurts from scrolling back and forth.....auto -2
Submitted by Ragman (user info) at 2005-07-12 07:36:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
where did you get bandersnatch from, is it a lewis carol reference or larry niven?
Submitted by Bandersnatch (user info) at 2005-07-12 07:27:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm the world champion at russian roulette, my record is 57-3.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-07-12 07:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
your wrong. I Did gain something from this post:
A headache and a murderous taste for you blood.
Blah
Submitted by Ragman (user info) at 2005-07-12 06:54:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bugger, I'll have to go piss someone off cos now I want one. I'm sure it won't take long. Help me out here guys
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-12 06:46:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
actually no.
that was your retaliatory +0.6666667
Submitted by Ragman (user info) at 2005-07-12 06:35:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
did I just get my first "retaliatory -2", this is a day to remember, thanks rad
Submitted by abaddon (user info) at 2005-07-12 06:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Congratulations you are now 5 minutes older and have gained nothing from reading this post."
not quite sure how slow you read, but hey, it was not even 3 minutes at best
and yes, i agree about the MS Word thing. even with actual sentences it fails.
I entered the sentence
"A message box should appear telling me that there are no eligible accounts, as they are all active, and cannot be edited" into a test report on the program we write at work (notably for a make up company)
upon F7-ing, Word would switch between 'all-active' and 'all active' -- oh well, that is what you get with crappy expensive software. openoffice.org all the way
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-12 06:31:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
THIS ASSHOLE IS BUSTING UP NEGRO'S +2 STREAK
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-07-12 06:29:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
rad is such a cunt
Submitted by Chicane (user info) at 2005-07-12 06:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
durrrrr
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-12 06:06:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GOOD JOB ON RESIZING THAT PICTURE YOU N00B
HEHEHEHEHE
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-12 06:05:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Ragman (user info) at 2005-07-12 06:00:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
See, I knew you liked me
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-12 05:56:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this has been done more times than your mother.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-07-12 05:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It was like a roller coaster that was broken. Go uphill, building anticipation, only to get over the crest and plummett to your death.