How to pick up chicks at the gym (14813 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.91 on 68 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by comicbookguy (View user info) at 2005-07-06 11:05:55 EDT
Tired of never meeting women? Tired of going to bars and clubs but struggling to catch the attention of that young girl in the middle of a giant sausage fest? Tired of never getting laid?
If you answered no to all of those questions, then fuck you. But, if you answered yes to even one of them, take my hand and come with me on this journey.
Allow me to reintroduce myself bitches.
My name is Hugh.
But you can call me Mr. Jassdick.
I'm a dating instructor and I have been picking up chicks for years, and with my five part instructional video series, you will too. The key to picking up chicks is to understand that chicks are everywhere. They are not just in clubs or bars, or back alleys behind dumpsters. They are in your everyday places, and that is why my set includes:
1)How to pick up chicks at bus stops: http://www.ubersite.com/m/50706
2)How to pick up chicks at grocery stores http://www.ubersite.com/m/58423
3)How to pick up chicks in an elevator
4)How to pick up chicks at the doctor's office
5)How to pick up chicks at the gym
6)How to pick up chicks in various other potentially socially awkward situations that cannot be categorized in the above four videos
After you have seen these videos, you will be able to walk up to a woman in any of these situations, get her number, get a date, and get laid, eventually leading to a healthy long-term relationship. Or, conversely, a lot of casual monkey sex with you eventual dumping her because she wants commitment. You dog you! Either way, if your penis enters one of her orifices, I know I have done my job and that gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside that reminds me why I got into the business in the first place.
Today's episode: The Gym
Gyme? What's a gyme?
Ohhh a gyme.
Yes my vaginally desperate friends, the gyme. I mean, the gym.
Today's episode will teach you how to pick up chicks in a gym based environment. Like the supermarket but unlike the bus stop, the gym is an environment in which your time frame for picking up chicks is quite substantial. Furthermore, all that grunting, sweating, panting, and heavy lifting exudes allusions that are ripe for sexual innuendo. Ripe like a sweet, sweet pomegranate on the streets of India. Ripe like the buttocks of a ten year old boy. I MEAN LIKE THOSE TWO CHICKS I TOTALLY BANGED LAST NIGHT. After you have employed my gym based methods, you will get as much pussy as me, Hugh Jassdick, and you all know that I need more pussy like I need an asshole on my motherfucking elbow.
1.Picking the right gym
When strategizing on location, you have to look at two key factors when contemplating gym choice: your competition i.e. other men, and the type of chicks that are most likely to be picked up in a gym.
First of all, I understand that your fat and/or lazy ass doesn't work out and more then likely, you have not entered a gym in many years. I ask you now to please get off the ass groove in your couch and leave your friends Ben, Jerry, Doritos, and Count Chocula behind. Get on the phone, cancel your Pap smear appointment, and let's get this show on the motherfucking road.
Now, there are certain gyms that are not good for picking up chicks.
a) Gold's Gym
What's that pencil dick? You want to be picked up by a massively chested man that where's a skinny tank top that could likely fit a tank and who's massive pectorals require a size E training bra? If so, then get the fuck out of here, you faggot. Go read an AJ post or beat off to your Sears lingerie catalogue your mom uses to order bras to impress the milkman who is likely your father which is ironic because you are lactose intolerant.
If you're serious about this, you understand that Gold's Gym doesn't have chicks. And, well, the chicks that do work out there...let's just say they have larger penises then you do and shave twice as often.
b) Corporate Membership Gyms
These are the gyms in the downtown or CBD area that are packed during lunch time by lawyers, corporate executives, and other hot shots that make millions of dollars and wipe their asses with one dollar bills. Though now that I think about it, though that would be totally bad ass, it must give you an awful rash. I hate to..."rub it in your face" George Washington (hahaha).....buuuuut I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.
Firstly, you will be unable to afford a membership to this gym because your corporation doesn't offer you the benefit of a gym membership, and by corporation I mean the pre-school where you do janitorial work. That money goes to Crayola and Oscar Meyer. Second, even if you could gain access into these gyms you would stand out like Hitler at a Bah Mitzvah. And lastly, the women that are at these gyms are confident, statuesque, gorgeous women and are likely looking for men with, you know, teeth and a fully functional penis. Unfortunately, you possess none of these qualities.
So my needle dick friends, what is the prime location?
C)COLLEGE GYMS
College gyms are cheap and affordable on your four dollar an hour salary. Remember, you have to look at your competition and the chicks with the most available pickupability. I understand that the college gym is full of massive football players and 7'0 basketball players with 12 inch penises, but these guys go for the hottest co-eds i.e. girls you would not have a chance with and if they ever spoke to you would cause you to premature ejaculate 45 times in 32 seconds which would likely result in a self-administered vasectomy. Of course, the bright side of this is that you will never expose the world to the horror that would be your offspring. But I digress.
The key to the college gym is that while all the competition goes after the cream of the crop, you will have the opportunity to pick up some prime book worm pussy. More on this later.
2. Wearing the right attire
Please, for the love of all that is good and pure in this world, do not wear a headband. I realize you sweat like a pedophile at recess, but that is what towels are for. Carry a small, white, face towel. If it is absolutely imperative, you can wear a wristband, but remember, the key is not to draw attention to yourself. You are not Paris Hilton at a library. You do not want to look out of place.
Second, if you even think about wearing that T-shirt with the spaghetti stain on it or those semen incrusted jogging pants that have not left your chicken legs in 10 days then I will cut off your balls and shove them in your ass, so when you shit, you shit on your balls (Fuck yeah). Wear a nice, cotton white t-shirt that fits you normally. You do not want to wear a muscle shirt because you clearly have no muscles, nor do you want to be swimming in a large shirt that will affect your mobility. A clean pair of track pants and white running shoes with slight scruff are also ideal. You don't want to look like one of those fags who just bought a pair of blinding white shoes. Also, leave your walkman or CD player full of Abba's greatest hits at your house, apartment, or cardboard box mud hut. I don't want any distractions, you fucking dancing queen fairy.
3. Picking the right girl
As I previously stated, the college gym is the ideal location because as the other handsome jocks are flouting after the big cuts of meat like the T-bone, you are after the filet mignon: tender and juicy and French. Little do the jocks realize that those girls that they think are prime cuts are really just ribs. They may have some meat on them, but it's mostly just annoying to work around the bones. I don't even know if that makes any sense, but I just like steak.
But seriously, the girl you are looking for is easy to spot. To start, she is wearing fairly loose fitting clothing. She is not the type to show off her body because she hates herself and the way she looks. However, you should be able to tell through the baggy clothing that there is plenty of potential. It might even help is she has a little junk in the trunk, but the operative word is little. Just a little junk. I'm not talking about a yard sale going on in her ass. If her ass says, "everything must go" then you must go the hell away from there. Do not collect $200. Second, it helps if she is wearing glasses and a bonus would be if she is constantly pushing them up because they slide down her nose. She feels exposed without a book clutched to her chest, and she has finally worked up the confidence to enter this intimidating environment. She is aimlessly walking around the gym, clearly scared. She is intimidated by the sexy co-ed's in their tight spandex pants and sports bras and sandy freckled cleavage, their locks of silky smooth hair caressing their sweet, sweet hooters......excuse me a minute.
......
Now, the ultimate bonus is if the girl has a little bit of acne on her cheeks. Do you know why? Because countless scientists have proved that there is only one sure fire way to cure acne.
That cure my friends, is semen.
The money shot then, is mutually beneficial. In the bedroom you can be all like, "sup bitch, just call me Doogie Howser, Dermatologist."
4. The Approach.
Okay pimp. You got your college gym picked out. You got your plain white T-shirt and track pants on. You got your small towel around your neck. You may or may not have your wristband. You got your ho in sight. It's game day baby. Let's do this shit. Don't feel intimidated. Attitude is everything pimps. You gotta have a look on your face that says, "nigga, you better back the fuck up before you get smacked the fuck up. I ain't singin', I'm bringin' drama. Fuck you and your motherfucking mama."
Start doing some exercises as you survey your target out the corner of your eye. She will wander around a little bit longer and then finally work up the courage to try a machine. But wait, what's this? She is struggling to adjust the seat on the bicep machine. It appears to be stuck. This is your cue gentlemen. Approach your target and flash her a smile. Make sure you brushed your teeth that day. Bend down beside her and say, "Those darn seats get stuck all the time. Let me help you with that."
She will look up at you. Like I said in previous posts, MAKE SURE THERE IS A WARM LOOK IN YOUR EYES. You will adjust the seat and show her how to work the machine even though you may be completely wrong. Who cares, she doesn't know what the fuck she is doing anyways. Work out with her for about a half an hour. You want to make sure she has enough energy to still fuck you and let's be real here, you need all the help you can get. During this half hour, ask her questions about herself, but don't say anything about you. A man who listens is a man who gets laid.
Go to your respective change rooms and take a fucking shower for god's sake. Meet her outside the gym afterwards and say, sort of awkwardly, while looking at the floor, "so...you wanna like...get a protein shake or something?"
I guarantee you that she will say yes.
For you see my friends, my approach is the sure fire way to pick up chicks. I mean, you can employ other techniques if you want, but it's kind of like watching a porno without a plot. Sure you'll still ejaculate in 38 seconds, but it's just not the same without a storyline.
User Reviews
Submitted by bugblender (user info) at 2008-12-13 07:49:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
what?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-06-14 00:49:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There was so much +2 in this it's ridiculous, but I'm gonna single out that fact you chose, of all songs, "Hit 'em up".
I fucking heart that song. It is, after all, why i fucked your bitch you fat motherfucker.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-09-03 11:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yay
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-07-24 06:52:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-31 06:32:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oooh a super post from the past!
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2005-12-31 06:17:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now, the ultimate bonus is if the girl has a little bit of acne on her cheeks. Do you know why? Because countless scientists have proved that there is only one sure fire way to cure acne.
That cure my friends, is semen.
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i fucking spit my coffee all over the fucking place as i read the last part.
hillarious
Submitted by chanman (user info) at 2005-12-14 17:50:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"nigga, you better back the fuck up before you get smacked the fuck up. I ain't singin', I'm bringin' drama. Fuck you and your motherfucking mama."
The wise words of Tupac Amaru Shakur.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-06 09:16:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...or beat off to your Sears lingerie catalogue your mom uses to order bras to impress the milkman who is likely your father which is ironic because you are lactose intolerant.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2005-08-23 15:13:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No headband? Ok. <throws away headband>
Almost not +2 for the semen acne medication. How dare you put that image in my head!
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2005-07-27 03:11:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by Timberwolves_At_New_York (user info) at 2005-07-09 15:45:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Technoboy (user info) at 2005-07-09 15:08:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't even know if that makes any sense, but I just like steak
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-08 12:19:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Today's episode: The Gym
Gyme? What's a gyme?
Ohhh a gyme.
******************
BAH HA HA HAA! +2 for that right there!
Submitted by nightshade (user info) at 2005-07-07 09:02:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Will you ever do a bad guide to picking up chicks?
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-07-07 08:32:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sitting here trying to work and I have this copied in an e-mail so it looks like I'm actually working. The problem is, every few seconds I giggle or bust out laughing and my clever ruse has gone the way of the Dodo.
This is, quite simply, fucking brilliant. Hilarious. Worthy of best ever. +2, old chap. Good show.
Submitted by momanlad (user info) at 2005-07-06 20:55:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This shit if fan-fucking-tastic.
Not saying that it would work, but it is funny as tits anyway.
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2005-07-06 20:29:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by disAbled (user info) at 2005-07-06 19:33:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome advice column
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Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:37:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry, but I am not picking up girls at Jim's.
Jim is my brother in law, and the only women there are my step-sister, who's a hosebag, and my 1 1/2 year old neice.
You sick bastard.
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^
|
This also is funny
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2005-07-06 18:51:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold.........pure fucking gold............
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-07-06 18:38:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha...it took you long enough to write this post. What do you think of the Villanueva pick? Hit me up in email (I lost your address again)
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-07-06 18:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha, funny shit.
Submitted by Hotpocket4you (user info) at 2005-07-06 17:59:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Golden
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-07-06 17:41:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
19 levels of awesome
Submitted by skeezy (user info) at 2005-07-06 17:17:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
clownin
Submitted by Bayley (user info) at 2005-07-06 16:34:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, leave your walkman or CD player full of Abba's greatest hits at your house, apartment, or cardboard box mud hut. I don't want any distractions, you fucking dancing queen fairy.
-------------
aaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahah
p.s. fucking abba is now stuck in my head.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-07-06 16:32:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hero.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-06 16:03:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great Public Service Announcement
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-07-06 15:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-06 15:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious as usual
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-07-06 15:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by iFocusNews.com (user info) at 2005-07-06 15:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-07-06 14:58:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-07-06 14:22:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There was so much gold in this post that I forsee a gold rush, complete with grizzled miners, skanky hookers, and mules. That's right, bitch: mules.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-07-06 13:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2005-07-06 13:04:04 (#)
Ranking: 1
Kinda Funny.
The best looking women on the planet will always be where the money is. College Gyms? Who wants a 23 year old girl from Kansas when you could be getting it on with a girl who just did the cover for fhm???
-----------------
Right, because we all fuck FHM models all the time. I know I do.
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2005-07-06 13:04:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Kinda Funny.
The best looking women on the planet will always be where the money is. College Gyms? Who wants a 23 year old girl from Kansas when you could be getting it on with a girl who just did the cover for fhm???
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-06 12:56:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:13:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Gyme? What's a gyme?
Ohhh a gyme.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One of my favorite Simpsons quotes.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-06 12:27:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK YOU, YOU SUCK! YOU ONLY GET +2S BECUASE OF YOUR NAME OMFG GAGGING ON HORSE BAJINER!
Submitted by LiquidPaper (user info) at 2005-07-06 12:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Does indeed kick ass
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-06 12:19:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She said "no"....now what?
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2005-07-06 12:18:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-07-06 12:15:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"If you're serious about this, you understand that Gold's Gym doesn't have chicks. And, well, the chicks that do work out there...let's just say they have larger penises then you do and shave twice as often."
=====================
A HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
How true.
Hey wait a minute, doesn't FatTony go to Gold's Gym?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-06 12:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As long as the guy isnt wearing tight tight spandex with a fanny pack...
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-07-06 12:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fucking shit. Nice work.
Added bonus for the 2Pac tribute. (We bad boy killaz)
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-07-06 12:06:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm not talking about a yard sale going on in her ass"
Please stop talking about me like I'm not here.....
*sigh*
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-07-06 12:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's that Wally guy been up to? Shamone!
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CBG! Holy shit! Exclamation point!
+2!
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:53:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:50:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:39:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Go read an AJ post or beat off to your Sears lingerie catalogue your mom uses to order bras to impress the milkman who is likely your father which is ironic because you are lactose intolerant.
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:46:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gym equipment is sexy.
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:42:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Har har! Peener!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go read an AJ post or beat off to your Sears lingerie catalogue your mom uses to order bras to impress the milkman who is likely your father which is ironic because you are lactose intolerant.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:37:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry, but I am not picking up girls at JIm's.
Jim is my brother in law, and the only women there are my step-sister, who's a hosebag, and my 1 1/2 year old neice.
You sick bastard.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
+2
+2
+2
+2
+2
+2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:30:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY SHIT A CBG POST!
Now I shall read it.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:29:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to play a tape. You need to tell me are they having sex, or working out.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Second, if you even think about wearing that T-shirt with the spaghetti stain on it or those semen incrusted jogging pants that have not left your chicken legs in 10 days then I will cut off your balls and shove them in your ass, so when you shit, you shit on your balls (Fuck yeah)."
AAAAAAHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My preferred pickup line is "Y HELO THAR BUTTSECKS!?", but to each his own I guess.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
STFU N00B!!!
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:23:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh yeah
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey man! Long time no see. Why didn't you keep in touch when you were down undah?
Anyways, this reminds me of a time when I was at a COLLEGE GYM. I was working out in a t-shirt that said "Eat Your Heart Out I'm Retired" on the front in that sweet Glittery Silk Screen writing. There is even a heart with a spoon lodged in the side of it as if to further demonstrate how one should go about eating their heart out.
This semi-retarded, yet hot, chick and her friend were on the machine that was beside me and she actually came up to ask me if I was really retired.
"Like, are you really retired?"
I laughed at her and said, "Don't you think I would have a better tan if I were?"
"Umm, yeah. I guess so"
Then she left. I tell you man, she went from totally flirty to totally dejected in about one second. Stupid gold digger. But I tell you, there is nothing better than turning down hot chicks. It's fun.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Meet her outside the gym afterwards and say, sort of awkwardly, while looking at the floor, "so...you wanna like...get a protein shake or something?"
Works every time.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, as usual.
Submitted by Nefarious (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:18:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The money shot then, is mutually beneficial. In the bedroom you can be all like, "sup bitch, just call me Doogie Howser, Dermatologist."
I can't believe you are posting this advice on the internet for free. Truly, you are the greatest philanthropist that ever lived.
I
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:17:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
However, you should be able to tell through the baggy clothing that there is plenty of potential. It might even help is she has a little junk in the trunk, but the operative word is little. Just a little junk. I'm not talking about a yard sale going on in her ass. If her ass says, "everything must go" then you must go the hell away from there.
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nice...
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:15:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay!!! CBG.
Submitted by abaddon (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As I previously stated, the college gym is the ideal location because as the other handsome jocks are flouting after the big cuts of meat like the T-bone, you are after the filet mignon: tender and juicy and French. Little do the jocks realize that those girls that they think are prime cuts are really just ribs. They may have some meat on them, but it's mostly just annoying to work around the bones. I don't even know if that makes any sense, but I just like steak.
^^
+2 for that alone, although the post was pretty much worthy of it anyways
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:13:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gyme? What's a gyme?
Ohhh a gyme.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:11:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment