Wisdom Teeth Pulled? Stick A Tampon In Your Mouth (5341 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.94 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Matt Maiorano (View user info) at 2005-06-21 07:50:18 EDT
I've just recently had my wisdom teeth pulled.
For those of you who've never had the experience of waking up with a gas-powered saw ripping out your back teeth, I can assure you that it's breathtaking. Not only is the constant taste of your own blood filling up your mouth exquisite, but the painkillers can only be described as 'groovy'.
Bacardi 151 aint got shit on a hefty dose of Hydrocodone.
But as most of you have probably noticed, I bleed a lot in just about every one of my posts. The reason for this isn't because I think it'll make my bullshit story any more interesting than it already is (which it isn't), but because it's true. Whenever I start bleeding, be it from my nose, mouth, eyes, or asshole, I generally bleed a lot. This is why I ran out of gauze about 5 hours after they were done ripping pieces of me out the back of my mouth.
And the bleeding wasn't slowing down either. As a matter of fact, the bleeding was just as bad as before. I had to find something.
Let me tell you that tissues do effectively jack when it comes to bleeding, especially if you have to stick a wad of tissues in your mouth. It's pretty gross when you end up swallowing bits of blood-soaked pieces of tissue-paper.
Toilet paper isn't any better either.
It was then that my mother, whose brilliance is comparable to the greatest minds in all history, told me to stick a tampon in my mouth.
I was a bit skeptical at first, since the idea of sticking a tampon in my mouth never crossed my mind. Ever. But apparently, a tampon is nothing more than compact, sterilized gauze.... I just had to make sure there were no strings attached.
Before I go any further, I feel that I must offer some insight into the whole wisdom teeth thing for all those who haven't had the privilige of going through such a procedure. When you get your teeth removed, not only are you put under anaesthesia, but you're also given some pretty swell drugs. If it's been less than 24 hours after your surgery, I can assure you that you're going to be good and plenty drugged up, and your inhibitions are..... well........ gone.
Now, I want you all to picture something here:
Imagine a lightweight standing in a bathroom with a box of tampons in his hand, furiously stuffing them into his mouth with the zeal and grace of a special olympic hurdler.
You got a good picture?
Good, because then you can imagine how terrified I was while I watched that crazy bastard eat my mom's tampons. Me, on the other hand, even with my lack of inhibitions I had to question the idea of sticking a tampon in my mouth. Look, I know it's clean, I know it was an emergency...... but the last thing I ever expected to put into my mouth was a product that was intended for my mother's vagina.
But still, desperate times call for desperate measures, and in the end I decided that sticking one tampon into my mouth seemed to be a lot less painful than having to go back to whoever it was that ripped open my mouth in the first place.
So into my mouth it went, and I immediately passed out after. God knows, the lingering anaesthesia mixed with the painkillers will tucker a little tyke like me out.
Let's keep in mind, with guys like me, I like to sleep in just my boxers. Pajamas are for pussies. But when the doorbell rang and I realized that nobody else was home to answer it, I immediately jumped out of bed and ran to the door. Sure enough, it just so happened that my ex-girlfriend was in the neighborhood and she wanted to know if there was any way she could make me feel better.
We broke up for a reason. Many would suggest that we broke up because she's about as mentally stimulating as a fairly large rock. Others would say that we broke up because I went off to college while she was heading into her junior year of high school. But I say that we broke up because she's a bona fide psycho.
As tempting as her offer was, I had to decline since I didn't want to hear her rattle off some crappy poetry about how much she needs a loser like me to make her feel better about herself.
"Uh, look..... sorry, but my girlfriend is here. I can't." I told her.
Her confused look told me everything. Even better was her very large father coming out of the shadows to ask me:
"Can't what?"
Her father hates me. Every day I see him, I pray that he doesn't rip my face off.
"What's the string coming out of your mouth, Matt?" He suddenly asked.
Oh shit. I forgot to take the fucking string off the tampon. How could I NOT notice that!?
"Uh.... just a piece of gauze, sir. Look, I don't think-"
"Since when do pieces of gauze have strings?"
"Look, I just want you guys-"
"Are you doing drugs? You know, that thing where you tie a string to a balloon and swallow it?" He suddenly blurted.
"WHAT!?"
"Take that string out of your mouth, you little bastard." He growled.
That day, something told me I should've slammed the door in his face. But the wiseass part of me would let no such sensibility take hold. I grinned, opened my mouth, and pulled a blood-soaked tampon out.
It's ok, I didn't need my canines either......
User Reviews
Submitted by gizmo0923 (user info) at 2008-01-29 22:56:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My first time to find this site! I've gotta say, this really gave me a laugh ... not just a smile, but an honest-to-goodness laugh! Thanks!
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-12-13 16:20:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-28 10:11:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-06-30 20:06:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude. You're cracked.
Cool!
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-06-27 07:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Ananda (user info) at 2005-06-24 15:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha funny
Submitted by chgable (user info) at 2005-06-23 03:10:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"but the last thing I ever expected to put into my mouth was a product that was intended for my mother's vagina."
Your father's dick ?
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-06-23 01:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mr. Maiorano, you complete me.
Submitted by B-Nizzo (user info) at 2005-06-22 13:45:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I just had to make sure there were no strings attached"
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by cnympho247 (user info) at 2005-06-21 16:47:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
:-D
Submitted by icepigs (user info) at 2005-06-21 16:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed. I cried. I laughed some more.
This was beautiful, man!
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-06-21 16:16:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Disgusting yet hilarious.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:27:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i feel for you man, wisdom teeth suck and the drugs over here suck ass
that cartoon made me piss myself, thanks
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-21 12:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved getting all of my wisdom teeth pulled. The drugs they gave me were glorious.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-06-21 12:24:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BOOM!
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2005-06-21 12:19:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had one wisdom tooth pulled. No painkillers, no swelling. It was a breeze.
Sucks for you.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-06-21 11:42:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-06-21 11:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"but the last thing I ever expected to put into my mouth was a product that was intended for my mother's vagina."
You get a +2 for leaving yourself wide open with that line.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-06-21 11:02:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't "Ha" enough at that picture.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-06-21 10:48:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'Can I pull out your stitches?'
That made me piss blood.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-06-21 10:25:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-21 07:54:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
This was slightly contrived.
THAT CARTOON SAVED THE SHIT OUT OF IT THOUGH.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-06-21 10:22:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SUCKERS!
I still have my wisdom teeth. All four have come in beautifully and haven't caused me any trouble other than the initial soreness of, essentially, teething. The down side is, I don't get drugs.
I like drugs.
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-06-21 10:08:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA
AND SOME MORE
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAAH
I almost shit myself from reading that comic. Which is not good, considering Im at work, but damn.
Bra-fucking-vo!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-21 10:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Post +2.
Pic +2 SHAMONE!
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2005-06-21 09:57:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmmmmmmmmm... Vicodin...
I had to look at my own bottle to make sure I spelled it right.
Spinal cysts will get you unlimited refills on the shit.
It's like having a prescription subscription.
+2, because your way of looking at life reminds me of me. I would never give myself low marks on a post.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-06-21 09:53:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for the cartoon.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-06-21 09:44:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved getting my wisdom teeth out...until the painkillers wore off.
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-06-21 09:33:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Faaaaa-kneeeeeee
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-06-21 09:29:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who doesn't eat tampons?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-06-21 09:12:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-21 07:51:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
I just had to make sure there were no strings attached.
---
you could have done without this line
-------------------------------------------
I thought it was very droll.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-06-21 09:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
plus two for you sir
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-21 09:00:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-06-21 08:03:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
That cartoon made me physically ill.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-06-21 08:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, my. I hope it wasn't a scented tampon.
Is that comic by that indie film guy who does all those sick cartoons? Hold on, I'll get his name...
Don Hertzfeldt
?
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-06-21 08:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-06-21 08:17:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nicely written amigo.
when i got my wisdom teeth out, i was awake, and they used a hammer and chisel. i shit you not.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-06-21 08:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The pic was phenom!
The writing ok.
The story...well...I had 4 wisdom teeth taken out, one day, completly awake, only local and nitrous. Two were impacted and had to cut in half to be removed. I actually looked up at the Doc at one point, whilst he had his knee in my chest and yanking on my tooth I thought 'well at least he is working for his money'.
Submitted by Jutsin (user info) at 2005-06-21 08:06:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Probably the funniest picture/cartoon strip I've seen since forever.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-06-21 08:03:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That cartoon made me physically ill.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-21 07:56:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The words- eh
The pictures: priceless
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-21 07:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
blimey
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-06-21 07:55:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have kicked that fucker right in his satchel.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-21 07:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was slightly contrived.
THAT CARTOON SAVED THE SHIT OUT OF IT THOUGH.
Funniest thing I have seen since Loren's beekeeper porn.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-21 07:51:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just had to make sure there were no strings attached.
---
you could have done without this line.