The Conservative Agenda (2498 hits)
Category: Politics -> RepublicansRating: 1.25 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Razor <Jeremy_21117.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-06-13 10:54:34 EDT
In honor of http://www.ubersite.com/m/67824
So what do you know... I was walking to work, when I passed Haliburton headquarters. This piece of paper came fluttering down and hit me in the face. It must have slipped out of a window or something. The contents were shocking! I present it to you, good reader.
The Conservative Agenda: June 13, 2005
6:30 AM: Wake up. Speak directly with God. If God wavers in his resolve, remind God that you know better than he does.
7:00 AM: Receive subliminal instructions from Fox Morning News
7:30 AM: Get those kids to private school! Speak with biology teacher, remind him that Darwin was an agent of Satan.
8:00 AM: Drive monstrous gas-guzzling SUV to work.
8:02 AM: SUV runs out of gas. Remove small Bangladeshi children from trunk, have them operate the SUV Flintstones style. Make sure not to tire them out too much, they will need energy for their afternoon with the priest.
8:30 AM: Arrive at work. Verify with Bush administration contact that your company's accounting systems are not going to come under question thanks to hefty re-election donation.
9:00 AM: Cut one thousand workers from the payroll. Give self $3 million per year raise.
9:30 AM: Complain about how unemployed people take your hard earned money in the form of taxes.
10:00 AM: Masturbate while listening to Rush Limbaugh. Just kidding! Masturbation makes you go blind.
12:00 PM: Lunchtime! Meet with operatives who are clandestinely laundering the money you've skimmed from off shore enterprises into Greenpeace and PETA so that the left continues to look extreme as possible. Call Howard Dean and remind him that he's your number one operative.
1:45 PM: Make off-color jokes about Hillary Clinton because it's so darn easy.
2:00 PM: Return from lunch drunk as fuck and hopped up on legally prescribed painkillers; compose a reminder memo to your employees that anyone caught violating the company's substance abuse policy is not only fired but is also the absolute scum of the earth.
2:30 PM: Disown your daughter for having an abortion after she was gang raped by a bunch of drunken Yale fratboys. When she cries, tell her that that's nothing compared to what Satan will do when he gets ahold of her. Quote applicable Bible passages.
3:00 PM: Use the powers granted you in the Patriot Act to kill a puppy.
4:00 PM: Use UN report on the most underdeveloped nations in the world to help shorten your search for human beings in the worst state of desperation to work at your new plant for 15 cents a month.
4:45 PM: Attend "Changing the Constitution and You", a seminar designed how to use your influence on the local government to get amendments passed to allow Arnold to become president and have gays and jews tortured to death with hot pokers.
5:45 Leave work. Lecture dark skinned man emptying the trash about leaving the dark evil of Allah behind. When he protests that he is Mexican, remind him that he is lazy and only here because of California liberals.
6:00 PM: Come home. Lecture your kids on the importance of avoiding minorities. Observe that your wife is looking at you with sexual longing. Ignore her.
8:00 PM: Attend "Jeb in 2008" fundraiser. If you donate more than $85,000, Katherine Harris herself will give you an enema with a reacharound.
User Reviews
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2005-10-20 18:00:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliance...how could I have missed this?
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2005-07-14 19:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
7:30 AM: Get those kids to private school! Speak with biology teacher, remind him that Darwin was an agent of Satan.
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That's just silly. EVERYBODY knows this must be a CHRISTIAN private school, therefore the teacher MUST teach creationism. Get your facts straight man!
Submitted by Fisher (user info) at 2005-07-14 19:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I hate the Republican party more than the Democratic party if that makes any sense."
Why hate one more than the other. Even though they give different lip service to their base, they're both very similiar to each other. Sold to the highest bidder.
I'm not a libertarian.
+2 for the shits and giggles.
Submitted by biggyph00l (user info) at 2005-07-13 20:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh... your my best friend now...
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2005-06-22 10:53:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not as good as Spooner's but still funny.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-06-14 19:14:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
public masterbastion
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-06-14 11:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-06-14 11:21:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha... i forgot to rate. shiza.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-06-14 11:21:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I switch from +1 to +1.5.
"Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-06-13 12:55:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
How can you take something with lines like this seriously?
3:00 PM: Use the powers granted you in the Patriot Act to kill a puppy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-06-13 12:53:56 (#)
Ranking: 1
This was funny aside from the economically-based ones.
"4:00 PM: Use UN report on the most underdeveloped nations in the world to help shorten your search for human beings in the worst state of desperation to work at your new plant for 15 cents a month."
If they're willing to work for 15 cents, obviously the alternative is worse (starvation.) How is only giving people 15 cents to work for mutual benefit worse than all those unemployed liberals who give thousands of starving people in other countries 0 cents/hour, or 20 dollars every Christmas.
"
And, becuase it generated downerSTAIN's hilarious last comment (go read my first ever post.)
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-06-13 21:21:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it was good.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-06-13 17:17:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And no, I'm not slamming this post. Keep your gun in the holster.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-06-13 17:15:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't tell who you are mocking: dumbass hardcore liberals or dumbass hardcore conservatives.
+/-0 for effort.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2005-06-13 15:26:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:19:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
"The difference between a republican and a democrat is that a republican sucks and a democrat blows."
"A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A SHITTY IDEA!!' and the democrate stands up after him and says "AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!'"
~ Lewis Black (both)
I just love me some Lewis Black.
******************************************************************************************************
Great and black is coming to omaha in july.
I am so there!
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-06-13 14:16:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2005-06-13 13:53:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Or, perhaps you actually do masturbate while listening to Rush
--------------
Hey, Geddy Lee's voice is pretty feminine, how was I supposed to know it was a guy?
...oh, Rush LIMBAUGH!
...what?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-06-13 13:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"If you donate more than $85,000, Katherine Harris herself will give you an enema with a reacharound."
Does anybody have $85,000 I can borrow??
Katherine Harris is WAY HOT!!!!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-06-13 13:26:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I figured it was something like that. That was as good a way as any to get that confirmed. This was pretty funny, by the way.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-06-13 13:23:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sped, we're waiting on bartbart to do the required programming. retards on this site eat up most of his free time to spend on uber.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-06-13 13:21:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The UberMadness organizer's agenda:
9:00 - Wake up
10:00 - Don't work on UM.
11:00 - Don't work on UM.
12:00 - Laugh at all the pathetic people who think they might have a chance to vote sometime soon.
1:00 - Don't work on UM.
2:00 - Don't work on UM.
3:00 - Don't work on UM.
4:00 - Don't work on UM.
5:00 - Don't work on UM.
6:00 - Don't work on UM.
7:00 - Don't work on UM.
8:00 - Don't work on UM.
9:00 - Don't work on UM.
10:00 - Don't work on UM.
11:00 - Go to bed.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-13 13:15:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I can appreciate a light hearted jab towards the conservative republicans.
I do think you could have done so much better with this.
Submitted by Phi (user info) at 2005-06-13 13:02:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-06-13 12:55:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How can you take something with lines like this seriously?
3:00 PM: Use the powers granted you in the Patriot Act to kill a puppy.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-06-13 12:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was funny aside from the economically-based ones.
"4:00 PM: Use UN report on the most underdeveloped nations in the world to help shorten your search for human beings in the worst state of desperation to work at your new plant for 15 cents a month."
If they're willing to work for 15 cents, obviously the alternative is worse (starvation.) How is only giving people 15 cents to work for mutual benefit worse than all those unemployed liberals who give thousands of starving people in other countries 0 cents/hour, or 20 dollars every Christmas.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-06-13 12:53:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-06-13 12:17:32 (#)
Ranking: -2
Your cartoonish misunderstanding of conservatives and what they offer the country fully explains why you (liberals) are on the outside looking in power-wise.
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Your cartoonish misunderstanding of goofy tribute posts and what they offer the reader fully explains why you (the morons) are on the outside looking in intellectual-capacity-wise. Did you just totally miss the link to Spooner's post or do you have trouble understanding what tounge-in-cheek humor is?
Or, perhaps you actually do masturbate while listening to Rush, thinking of the ingrown asshole hair that he used to skip out of the Vietnam war and how hot you would get if you could lick it.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-06-13 12:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-13 12:29:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
original was not by spooner.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/44578
and i ripped that off kai
who ripped it off an email forward.
---
The "What A Group of People do in a way" format has been around for years. It's like writing a knock knock joke and then claiming it was a ripoff of all other knock knock jokes.
Submitted by project_nessa (user info) at 2005-06-13 12:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
9:00 AM: Cut one thousand workers from the payroll. Give self $3 million per year raise.
9:30 AM: Complain about how unemployed people take your hard earned money in the form of taxes.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-06-13 12:31:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They're both funny, I like how offended alot of the "conservatives" get. Do you fucks understand a joke?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-13 12:29:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
original was not by spooner.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/44578
and i ripped that off kai
who ripped it off an email forward.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-13 12:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is really funny. Conservatives giving you -2s is also pretty funny- fascists.
Submitted by Papajoe (user info) at 2005-06-13 12:24:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was wondering when we would see the other side of this. ;p I laughed
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-06-13 12:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Your cartoonish misunderstanding of conservatives and what they offer the country fully explains why you (liberals) are on the outside looking in power-wise.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-06-13 12:16:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The original was a lot funnier. Less wordy, spontenaous and well...original.
+0.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-06-13 12:08:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
felt forced
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:54:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I almost put in a line about "then again, I could just be having a knee-jerk reaction."
Benefit of the doubt. +1.5
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:52:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Honestly, none of it comes from spite. I was just thinking of every stereotype I could in the five minutes I spent working on this.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:49:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yin and Yang here. Good and bad.
I liked the Liberal Agenda because it was a light-hearted and good-natured spoof. This one has elements of that, but some of it seems to come from real spite.
While you're entitled to your opinion, I think that one fact makes this one inferior to the other.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Even better than the post that inspired it.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:33:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
10:00 AM: Masturbate while listening to Rush Limbaugh. Just kidding! Masturbation makes you go blind.
Hahaha
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cigarr (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:23:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:23:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. I am a libertarian who hates the democrats more than the republicans.
And I'm giving you a bunch of shit.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:19:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The difference between a republican and a democrat is that a republican sucks and a democrat blows."
"A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A SHITTY IDEA!!' and the democrate stands up after him and says "AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!'"
~ Lewis Black (both)
I just love me some Lewis Black.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:12:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
I only assume you are a big lib with the michael stipe contribute to africa post.
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I am libertarian in nature when you look at it from the liberal socially, conservative economically standpoint, but the Libertarian party is nuts.
I hate the Republican party more than the Democratic party if that makes any sense.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:12:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Who said this is what I really think of conservatives rad? I mean honestly, I was just doing a tribute post to Spooner, becuase I thought his was hilarious, not much thought went into it besides that.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:12:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I only assume you are a big lib with the michael stipe contribute to africa post.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:12:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Have you been following me around?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:11:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This would be funny if this wasn't actually what you thought of conservatives.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:09:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is as good as "The Liberal Agenda" woulda been had I spent any time on it. But I'm lazy.
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Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:03:10 (#)
Ranking: -1
If you're going to be derivative, you might want to try adding in the funny. I didnt think the liberal one was great either, but at least it did a good job of mocking the way people see liberals. This post doesnt have the benefit of that wink and nod.
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It almost does the exact opposite of what my article did. My article mocks how conservatives see liberals, this article just plain mocks conservatives. Not really all that odd, conservatives are easy to mock.
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Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:00:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
This was better than the original
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Better written. Mine got by on a few creative entries (bleaching veterans' flags, teehee) and the "miscellaneous" running gag. Somehow this makes everyone wet their pants. I don't know.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:08:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Much more clever than the original.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:06:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Exhibit A can be described as wry.
Exhibit B can be described as bilious.
Never has this rating been more appropriate.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:03:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
If you're going to be derivative, you might want to try adding in the funny. I didnt think the liberal one was great either, but at least it did a good job of mocking the way people see liberals. This post doesnt have the benefit of that wink and nod.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:02:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, Rush comes on at noon. WTF.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NOt as good as the LIberal agenda, but it was a +3 (SHAMONE), so this is a +2.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-06-13 11:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was better than the original
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-13 10:58:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
big fat meh.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-06-13 10:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I doth chuckle.