The D.I.P.S.H.I.T. Awards! (1589 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.81 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TimeCop (View user info) at 2005-05-20 02:24:41 EDT
I tried, I really did. But you idiots left me no choice.
After heading home from college, my days are spent trying to fix my journalism grade (some of my papers were "misplaced" by Professor AHPB from my earlier post), lying in the sun, working out, and working my old job at Zaxby's. For those of you unfamiliar with the place, Zaxby's is what a restaurant would be like if Buffalo's was raping a KFC, and they had a child raised with Burger King's "Have it your way" policy.
Being the table guy, I have to assemble food onto plates, constantly. During this time, I have to deal with all the shit problems people have that they can't claim responsibility for.
Which leads me to the reason I created this post. I thought, at the end of the year, I could do my own version of the Darwin Awards. It would be a little easier to get into, with death not being a requirement.
With just two weeks back at work, I have already seen enough shit to last for 3 lifetimes of Dumb, Ignorant People Sucking Hepatitis Inside Twats Awards, or the D.I.P.S.H.I.T. Awards.
3rd Place: I Can't Understand Calories, or Basic Food Items, But I Want Free Stuff
Two identical men come in, both in the Direct TV work shirts, obviously hungry from a long day of driving around and looking for people who don't have satellite dishes. They order a Fried House Salad and a Grilled House Salad, for dine-in. I make the orders, serve them, and get them back 30 seconds later. Turns out they are "men on the go," and need their orders to go. I sigh, then fix the order.
They take their to-go orders, and sit down in our dining room and start eating. Right as they finish up, they approach the counter again.
Apparently, they had accidentally switched salads in their haste to sit down. One starts yelling at me. "Man, I can't be eating fried chicken! I'm on a diet! I need a new Grilled House Salad!"
"How's that supposed to help? First, you're eating two salads. That's twice as many calories, no matter what chicken you get. Hell, there's 400 calories in the dressing alone!" As I was informed later, apparently this is "college learnin' to most folk."
Ordered by management, I give the 3rd Place Diphit another salad.
2nd Place: I Can't Understand Why a Place With a Chicken on the Sign Wouldn't Have Fish Products
I'm chilling by the drive-thru table, trying to build a tower out of french fries. I'm at about 3 feet thanks to some beautiful Ionic columns when the box starts beepin, announcing a customer.
I listen in so I can get a jump-start on the order.
Worker: Thank you for choosing Zaxby's, may I take your order?
Customer: Yes I need a number one, with no slaw, a shrimp plate, and the catfish combo.
Worker: Uh, ma'am, we don't have shrimp or catfish.
Customer: Yes, you do! It's on your menu!
Worker: Where would that be at?
Customer: Well, I can't see that now, because I don't have my glasses, but I know you have it. It's on your commercials.
Worker: I'm afraid I don't know what commercials you're talking about.
Customer: You know, the one with the pirate!
Worker: Ma'am, are you thinking about Long John Silver's?
Customer: Well of course, that's where I am!
For clarification, Long John Silver's is a seafood fast-food restaurant located nearly 10 miles from our restaurant. Dipshit Award winner, Second Place.
And now, for the award of Crown Dipshit: I'm Blatantly Racist, How 'Bout I Plan a Charity Event for an All-Black Highschool?
I'm sitting in the lobby on my break, trying to eat some hot-sauce covered chicken fingers when I hear a lunch meeting begin at the booth next to me. It's a group of old, white people planning a charity for an all-black highschool so they can buy new band uniforms. For the sake of simplicity and space, I'm going to be running the highlights here:
*****
On the subject of Prizes:
"Well, I know black people like door prizes, so how about we get some of those 'Kid Songs" compact discs? Maybe they even have so rap ones!"
"They might expect it, but we shouldn't give away drugs as prizes. This is a charity event, praise God!"
*****
On the subject of Food:
"Well, of course there's fried chicken, and watermelon, but what else? Maybe cornbread?"
"Why don't we get some of the moms to help out! I'm sure the houses they work in will let them use their kitchen to make something!"
*****
On the subject of Music:
"Well, I just won't stand for any of that rap or hip-hop music. Might as well hip-hop down to Hell, I say!"
"I wonder if we can get a local dance group to perform, with drums! Then we won't have to worry about any lyrics problems!"
*****
On the subject of Security:
"Well, there'll be a lot of drugs changing hands, and some gangs may try to take over and riot! We should tell the sheriff before hand, in case he needs to alert the governor."
User Reviews
Submitted by CinderellaMEG (user info) at 2005-05-23 15:17:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very funny ben...I'm scared though about that woman driving around when she can't even see where she's at...good thing i'm like 4 hours away from you!
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-21 03:38:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But I refuse to believe you're telling the truth about the first-prize winners.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-05-21 02:50:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, Phallic, that means a lot. On a further note, I'd like to know what inspires the genius of "I'm 29 and I've Never Had An Orgasm." I almost killed myself this morning after I got out of the shower and read that. Maybe it was extra funny because I was naked and dripping wet.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-05-21 02:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Props for maintaining a high standard of post since your lofty beginnings.
This story was awesome.
And:
"They might expect it, but we shouldn't give away drugs as prizes."
was... yeh.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-05-21 02:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stupid people are funny.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-21 01:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
chicken fingers = chicken strips
this was funny!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-05-20 22:21:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh, people like that brighten my day.
More specifically, they brighten my day by screaming in agony as I Do Horrible Things to them.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-05-20 12:11:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Allright, here's some explanations for some of you who might live in other areas and not understand some of these things.
CHicken fingers are just strips of white-meat chicken, but they are called fingers pretty much everywhere in the south for some reason.
I am from Georgia, and this ( http://www.buffaloscafe.com/ ) is buffalo's. As you can see, they are primarily located in the south. But for some fucking reason, they have a restaurant in Kuwait! Yeah, that place we ran into during the Gulf War.
Not only is Long John Silver's a fast-food seafood restaurant, we actually have two in the area. Captain D's is located about 2 miles away from Zaxby's.
Yeah, I'm serious about that last part. This is Georgia. Some of the people are very old and set in their ways. I actually saw a "colored" drinking fountain when I was 12, back in 1996.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-05-20 11:33:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Where do you live and what is Buffalo's?
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2005-05-20 08:51:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-05-20 08:51:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Long John Silver's is a seafood fast-food restaurant"
What the fuck? Fast SEAfood? Food-poisoning waiting to happen.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2005-05-20 08:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BigBad-2Train (user info) at 2005-05-20 07:49:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
WOOO WOOOO.....oh wait, this was actually decent....WOOO WOOOO
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-05-20 07:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've +2'd you, but i had no idea chicken had fingers.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-05-20 05:19:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Are you fucking serious with that last part? How fucking ignorant can people be?
Submitted by Rasta (user info) at 2005-05-20 03:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I just won't stand for any of that rap or hip-hop music. Might as well hip-hop down to Hell, I say!"
That line alone is worth +2. That crap isn't even music. I can talk better than that. lol
We won't even begin to address the lyrics or crime involved in much of that music.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-05-20 02:34:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You forgot the parts where you spat, jizzed, and pooed in their food. There better be a follow up post!
Banga
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-05-20 02:33:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliance!
"Hip Hop down to Hell!" ahahahahahahaha!