Quantum Drinking: The Epiphany (1801 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: Drugs
Rating: 1.61 on 77 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Spam (View user info) at 2005-04-27 10:55:55 EDT
My first home after flying the nest was a converted Farm-house with a lake and 5 acres of land. My schoolmate Adam and I had offered to house-sit for 6 months whilst the owner traveled across Asia and the Pacific Rim in a futile hope to become more interesting through the simple virtue of having traveled. If I sound jealous and bitter it's probably because I am.
What happens when two teenagers move away from home together, live in a posh house rent free for six months and work shitty minimum wage jobs?
Booze, that's what.
Lots and lots of booze.
Of course, there's only so long you can abuse your body with drugs and alcohol before cracks start to appear and you realise finally that it's got to stop somewhere. My first such epiphany occurred right outside that house - I was 18 and it was 8:56 on a Tuesday morning.
I awoke in what over time had become my standard sleeping position - sprawled face down across the bed, fully clothed, still clutching a can of lager in one hand. I had no comprehension of what time it was, although the pillars of light streaming through my uncurtained window and pulverizing my alcohol weakened brain narrowed it down to somewhere between 06:00 and 22:00.
A blissfully uneventful minute must have passed with me just lying there, beer in hand, broken pieces of the previous night's debauchery slowly slotting together in my head to form a vague outline of what caused my god-awful hangover. I remembered coming home from work the previous day to find a guy named Marcus dressed in army fatigues lounging on our sofa eating cold beans directly from the can, his feet propped on an untouched crate of Fosters. Marcus didn't have a key to our house - he didn't need one - whenever he was in town and needed somewhere to crash he would just break in and wait for us to come home so he could get the party started. He was a bit crazy, but we'd found that sitting down and drinking his beer was easier than trying to kick him out, so Adam and I just went with it. I knew then that things were going to get messy.
A disembodied crackly voice from beneath my pillow pulled me from my recollections, If I hadn't have been hung-over I may have jumped and possibly even given a startled cry of surprise. As it I was the best I could managed was a slurred 'huh?' followed by a fit of coughing. I rummaged under the pillow and withdrew my mobile phone. still lying face down I put it to my ear.
"Sir!....Sir!...Are you there sir? Please state the nature of the emergency"
I looked at the number I had dialed with my face whilst asleep - 99997*999## - and worked out that only the first 3 digits would have mattered.
Fuck no - it's too early to deal with the emergency services. I hung up without speaking and checked the time.
08:32 said the phone mockingly, reminding me that I had to work in 28 minutes. I peeled myself from my bed, took a swig from the can of flat beer I was still holding and stumbled towards the shower.
3 months of bingeing had taken it's toll and my face registered shock for a number reasons on seeing my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I looked pale, way too pale in fact, huge dark half-moons underneath my tired eyes. At some point in the last few weeks I had given up shaving and now had a patchy covering of course quarter-inch-long hair across my chin, complete with little flecks of dried drool around one corner of my mouth. As well as my attire from last night, I noticed that I was also adorned in a white knee-length lab coat and had managed to acquire a Doctor's stethoscope at some stage. I shook my head and tried not to think about it too much.
There was also a complete stranger asleep in my bath.
This would've been odd for me a few months beforehand, but at the time I knew better than to bother trying to work it out. The guy was drenched in his own vomit and somebody had obviously put him here after he had passed out. There was no need to wake him unnecessarily and risk the awkwardness of asking him if he could please clean up his puke and get out of my bathtub so that I could have a shower. I decided instead to forgo washing and bounced back along my hallway to get changed into my shirt and tie ready for the office.
Whilst I was donning my left shoe I had a vivid flashback of walking down Northampton High Street at 4 am amongst hundreds of post-club pissheads screaming "DOES ANYBODY NEED ANY MEDICAL ATTENTION." I recalled getting a phone number by offering some girl a 'free home consultation' but predictably enough I couldn't find it.
Phone says 08:52 and I have to leave for the office. No time for tea and a fag or any of that shit, I just grabbed a coat I didn't recogise from my floor and walked down the stairs wearily, every bone in my body aching with the pain of 12 weeks hard booze and sleep deprivation. Reaching the foot of the staircase, I waded through the sea of beer-cans and Chinese take-away boxes in my kitchen and exited though the front door.
So far It had been a lot to take in at that time in the morning but this sort of thing had been going on longer than I could remember - no great feat at the time because I couldn't remember anything that had occurred more than half an hour ago. I was at my limit however and feeling vulnerable - Weeks of drinking too much too often for too long and the random events for the morning had all but destroyed my grip on reality. So I was unprepared for what I saw next.
Marcus was lying on my garden path, face up, unconscious. Naked. Through the night, somebody had thought it funny to pour out the entire contents of an industrial sized tub of Saxa salt around his prone form to create a police-style white outline. The corpses of the couple of unsuspecting slugs that had attempted to cross this line worsened the overall effect.
Looking past Marcus' naked body I could see two Police officers exiting their vehicle - no doubt in response to my accidental prank 999 call. They hadn't seen his body yet.
And that's when it happened - My Epiphany. I could do this no longer. No more waking up in the morning and sharing a can before work with the random strangers that invariably populate my house. No more waking up to knocking on my bedroom door at 04:30 on a Wednesday morning by horny couples wishing to 'borrow my room for a few hours'. No more people fucking in the corridor outside after being met with my moody response. No more waking up on Tuesday morning (fucking TUESDAY! For Christ's sake) with a paralyzing hang-over and a shitload more questions than answers. I looked from the body to the police officers and decided - this shit has to stop right now.
"What's going on here then?" The lead one said with an amused expression.
"Not a clue officer, I just found him here on my way to work - if you'll excuse me, I'm running a little late.
I walked passed them without breaking my stride and started my long walk to work, leaving Adam and the strangers to deal with the repercussions of last night. Safe in the knowledge that I would never drink again.
.jpg)
User Reviews
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-08-14 21:57:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-08-17 13:51:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Spam. I hope this works--goddamn thing took me an hour to write.
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-08-05 13:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hobbs (user info) at 2005-06-08 09:35:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-05-25 14:19:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-05-25 10:42:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Spam's slacking off tip of the day (just for Apollo):
if you resize your IE window to be exactly the same size as your preview pane in outlook (assuming you use outlook) you can posistion it over the top of it so that to the casual observer it looks like you are just perusing your e-mails""""
That is brilliant.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-05-25 11:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
arrrrgh!! leave me alone!!
I promise I will have something up by the end of the week okay?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-25 07:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Speaking of putting a post up...
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-05-24 13:01:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
always fantastic to hear from you Stin, I really hope everythings going okay out there.
May I suggest you use your time on land to maybe put a post up, hmmm??
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-05-24 10:59:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I'm back on dry land for a while.
Just thought I'd share that with you.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-05-24 10:38:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry Mr Best Post Ever - yesterday afternoon I wrote five pages of drug saturated brilliance, but I can't find it now, I guess I didn't save it properly. It's been kind of difficult to get motivated after that.
something will be along shortly though.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-24 08:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ever planning to write ever again mr bored at work?
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-05-20 14:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Write something new, tool.
Yes, I'm working on it, before you say anything. I don't have shitloads of time in the office to kill anymore, my life has turned into a great big seething mass of politics, shows and the hottest room-mate EVAR. (Yes, I will ask her if I can post her picture.)
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-05-20 09:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahh
Memories
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-20 09:47:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why the fuck not.
You need some hits.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-20 09:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*Bumpety bump*
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-05-19 07:38:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
...or maybe even a women being teabagged by a giant cock, sandwiched between ant snuff porn and some guns?
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-05-19 07:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got quite a lot of shit on at the mo guys, but I do have a number of ideas and half written posts and shit - give me a week or so and I'll start banging out a stream of garbage for you.
..unless you'd rather I just cut and paste a quote from a movie and attach a shitty picture of a fake gun??
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-19 07:04:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He's dicking around on Zak's post, wasting time trying to argue against me rather than write something of quality.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-19 06:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You retired since you made B@W or what?
On an unrelated note *bump*
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-17 06:05:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where for art thou Spam? I miss thee dearly (not in a gay way you understand)
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-05-09 07:49:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn, I love Apollo.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-09 07:08:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<snort>
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-05-09 07:00:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-05-06 13:22:40 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-05-04 07:15:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Right folks, I've made a drastic (and ill-conceived) decision to stay off Uber for a couple of weeks.
I don't know how well I'll get on and to be honest, I'll probably be here reviewing stuff again this PM, but I need to at least give it a go - I've about 6 months worth of work that I've left untouched since I first discovered this site that I need to catch up on.
Take care all, back soon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*celebrates*
I hope your computer explodes so you never find your way back, tubby. """
Shut up. Cunt.
You know, that US Govt program ' A PC for every trailer' really ruined the internet.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-09 06:58:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think mytsi and I have made a truce.
She accidentally +0ed me. Twice now, while calling me a beaddy eyed fuck.
What does this mean?
===========================
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-05-08 06:28:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Whaddya say, RADically small eye, wanna play at vagina beach?
ya know you do.
Just wear big sunglasses, your eyes give me the willies.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-05-09 06:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know, my lack of will power sucks a big fat one.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-09 06:10:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha... you were gone a couple of days and returned to berate mytsi. Wonderful, she does have a use.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-05-09 05:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Seriously mytsi, whats wrong with you?
Is the best you can come up with REALLY: "I hope your computer explodes" ??
- That's a pretty fucking retarded Trouty, Shit, If I were to respond in kind, I'd have to say something like "I hope your Face explodes" - but looking at your photo it looks like you beat me to the punch there a long time ago.
In future, if you really want to continue this mudslinging, can you do me a favour and at least make your insults a touch more creative? At the moment its like shooting fish in a barrel. Literally.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-05-06 13:22:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-05-04 07:15:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Right folks, I've made a drastic (and ill-conceived) decision to stay off Uber for a couple of weeks.
I don't know how well I'll get on and to be honest, I'll probably be here reviewing stuff again this PM, but I need to at least give it a go - I've about 6 months worth of work that I've left untouched since I first discovered this site that I need to catch up on.
Take care all, back soon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*celebrates*
I hope your computer explodes so you never find your way back, tubby.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-04 07:31:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck with that.
See you soon.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-05-04 07:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Respect where due - For a man that has his priorities in the right order.
I'll miss ya sunshine.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-05-04 07:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Right folks, I've made a drastic (and ill-conceived) decision to stay off Uber for a couple of weeks.
I don't know how well I'll get on and to be honest, I'll probably be here reviewing stuff again this PM, but I need to at least give it a go - I've about 6 months worth of work that I've left untouched since I first discovered this site that I need to catch up on.
Take care all, back soon.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-02 08:55:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a plastic baggie of mushrooms that began to hold dialouge with me and an ashtray one time.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-05-02 08:31:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you dear Spamiel. And no that's not the drugs talking. Wow! Imagine if drugs could talk. "Sorry Frank, I'll have to call you back later... I'm busy at the mo shooting the shit with skunk." that'd be one entertaining random rambling session.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-02 08:26:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hold me.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-05-02 08:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
**cries emo tears**
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-05-01 15:03:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fat, greasy, slob
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-30 18:03:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-30 11:18:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah mate, I was thinking about it but I couldn't be bothered to set up paypal and I've got better things to spend a pound on than Mysti.
hmmm... 'better things to spend a pound on than mysti'... Something tells me that I'm not the first person to say that line.
----
and I thought it was surely you. either someone is stirring (surely not) or she put it up herself!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-04-30 16:41:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-30 12:22:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
I second that, Pock.
Mytsi Moon.
---------------------
I am sure I have seen a porno with an actress called Mysti Moon.
-Dave
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-30 12:22:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I second that, Pock.
Mytsi Moon.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-30 11:29:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-30 11:18:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah mate, I was thinking about it but I couldn't be bothered to set up paypal and I've got better things to spend a pound on than Mysti.
hmmm... 'better things to spend a pound on than mysti'... Something tells me that I'm not the first person to say that line.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Her name is mytsi. It always will be. Mytsi moon.
Ha!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-30 11:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A dollar does not a pound equal.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-30 11:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah mate, I was thinking about it but I couldn't be bothered to set up paypal and I've got better things to spend a pound on than Mysti.
hmmm... 'better things to spend a pound on than mysti'... Something tells me that I'm not the first person to say that line.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-30 11:14:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*do*
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-30 11:14:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you so it?
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-30 11:10:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The uberboard cracks me up everytime I fucking see it pop up there.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-30 11:05:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-30 10:56:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-04-29 17:51:06 (#)
Ranking: -2
--
**cries emo tears**
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**cries emo tears of sympathy, looks at the uberboard and laughs**
Whoever the hell "Mysita" is
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-30 10:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-04-29 17:51:06 (#)
Ranking: -2
--
**cries emo tears**
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-04-29 17:51:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-29 04:58:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-28 06:21:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
you were probably the vomit drenched guy in the bath - I never did find out who that was.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That would explain my permanant stench of vomit.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-28 06:21:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you were probably the vomit drenched guy in the bath - I never did find out who that was.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-28 05:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-27 12:32:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CLAIRE1 (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:39:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
It scared me a little with the length. But ended up just right
--
...I get that a lot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahahahahahahaha... that comment was almost as good as the post, which young Spam was marvellous so pack in doing it down...
I used to live in that house too, I'm sure of it.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-28 05:27:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck i said that yesterday, "i will never drink again."
Submitted by Rasta (user info) at 2005-04-28 05:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Kudos for drunken debauchery!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-28 05:07:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey! I represent that!
cunt.
At least I churn out one good piece every month or so.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-28 05:00:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought this was pretty shitty to be honest Rad... Although thinking about it, It's nothing compared to the depths that you've stooped to.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-28 04:09:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where I go for quantity, you go for quality obviously.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-27 18:48:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice read... now I want a drink.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-27 12:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CLAIRE1 (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:39:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
It scared me a little with the length. But ended up just right
--
...I get that a lot.
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-04-27 12:07:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am drinking really nasty Kiwi lager right now.
Shoot me.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not long enough, is what I think she means.
Submitted by CLAIRE1 (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:39:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story. It scared me a little with the length. But ended up just right.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:21:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
you first Dee.
________________
No I'm not. I've just finished a bottle of Evian which seems to have quenched my thirst, but thanks for asking.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:33:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I giggled like the baby Jesus did, like, three days ago when we watched an old man slip on the sidewalk.
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I say that everytime I drink and wake up feeling worse than dead.
It never sticks....
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:25:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Allow me to llinkwhore to the original (and FAR superior) Quantum Drinking - http://www.ubersite.com/m/48633
I will now attempt to stop camping this post.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:24:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've not touched a drop of alcohol in months, dear Spamiel.
Well, at least not while I'm working.
Submitted by etbeliever (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Similar situations to my student days too....I never lasted more than 3 days in "detox". I can't help it, glasses of alcohol would just appear in my hands. x
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:19:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Get yourself some willpower!
---
you first Dee.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Get yourself some willpower!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:05:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck. I thought I would be first.
-Dave
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahah sounds like my student days
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:05:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story.
Good to see that this.......
" Safe in the knowledge that I would never drink again."
.....lasted as long as my attempts.
-Dave
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:03:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah I actually said it: "Never, ever"
lasted a week.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:03:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was really half-assed and it's probably riddled with errors - sorry Uber, I'm really busy at work and didn't have time to prof-read properly.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:01:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Never?
Never, ever?