Church Lady goes to Rotorua (893 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.4 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Peckerhead < latheman_67.at.yahoo.ca > (View user info) at 2005-04-23 00:19:42 EDT
I am now back home (Canada) after a fun and much needed vacation to New Zealand. I intend to do a semi-serious post describing some of the tourist attractions and also the raw natural beauty of this country -- but this is not it. It's Friday. The weekend is upon us and hopefully most uber members are either chilling or have fun and exciting plans after a hard week at work or school.
-----------------------------
My wife, Christine and I were nicely settled and unpacked and enjoying customary family visits with brothers, sisters, in-laws and friends. It was now time to venture out from our home base in Whangarei southwards to a small city called Rotorua. High on the agenda was a visit to Whakarerwarerwa, pronounced easily by the Maori natives (and my wife who is part Maori) but hopelessly fucked up by North Americans like myself. If you thought, "Peter Piper picked a peck of..." was a tongue twister then you have yet to try and repeat some Maori (native) terms.
We made our way safely into Whakarerwarerwa (I had to type it once more) and headed directly to the Thermal Village. If any of you have been to Banff, Canada or worked in a paper mill then you will know the smell that greeted us. It's similar to rotten eggs but is actually the smell of sulfur or sulphite. I didn't find the smell all that bad and hasten to say please don't let this deter you from a visit to this amazing place.
We arrived just in time to join up with a group going on an organized tour of the Thermal Village. Our tour guide had a name about twice as long as Whakarerwarerwa "... but you can call me Justin", was the first of many jokes he would tell during this fascinating tour. I will summarize a little and just say what we saw including bubbling mud pools, mineral (sulfur) springs, food being cooked in natural steam vents, natural geysers and other evidence of obvious geothermal activity. With Christine's help, I will attach a pic of what will look like a pre-historic setting. Think "Quest for Fire" or some other movie you may have seen depicting very very old scenery and landscape.
Justin finished this tour with a Maori blessing and recommended a couple other things we might want to do while in the area. We did a little shopping and purchased some mud-soap, mud based liniment, bubble bath liquid and mineral salts (naturally). Maybe some of the ladies of Uber have used or experienced mud facials or mud treatments at a health Spa. I'm one of the worlds biggest skeptics but I'm here to tell you that each and every one of these products WORKS! The therapeutic value of above said mud-based products must be felt, seen, and smelled to be believed.
What does all this have to do with the Church lady? I'm getting there. After the shopping and a quick visit to the ancestral Meeting House, we entered a small hall where we were told that we would get to see a short concert by a group of Maori natives. Shortly, there appeared on stage four lovely ladies of various ages accompanied by three very fit Maori men. Christine had already told me that the Maori's were very musical and enjoyed singing. The next 15 or 20 minutes was a jaw-droppingly good concert with excellent melodious singing along with traditional native dancing. Two of the men had old beat up perfectly tuned(!) guitars and the ladies used swinging "poi's" to provide the percussion.
I'm going to get in trouble here with the wife but one of these young ladies could make a fortune by putting together a strip-club act. Her third song would be her and the poi-string and balls on stage after previously dis-robing during previous songs. I've seen strip club competitions and I'm telling you that the act I have in mind would easily win most competitions; If she did not win for her amazing beauty then she would win for either talent or originality. Maybe I should e-mail her ;) (I'm going to get hit and hit hard when the wife reads this. It's okay... I'll risk it.)
After the main concert, the men stayed on stage and demonstrated a "haka" dance. I can't go into too much detail because this post is getting a little long. The haka can be thought of as a Maori posture dance but it was also used by Maori tribes at the start of a battle. Maybe some of you have seen the New Zealand "All Blacks" rugby team perform an abbreviated haka -- as a warm up -- prior to one of their games? In any case, this war dance consists of various paces, postures, slapping of chest and thighs and about the fiercest faces you can imagine -- done deliberately, I was told, to scare other tribes off - even before the actual fighting!
On introducing the male Maori warriors, one of the Maori women told the audience that typically they ask a few men up on stage - after the demonstration - to join in the Haka. On hearing this, I casually looked around and seeing mostly retired vacationers and tourists, it was almost a certainty that I would be asked. Sure as hell, I was the first guy picked, so up I go onto the stage.
"Oh and men, we usually ask that you take off your shirts", said the woman. I'm not having a big problem with any of this; It actually felt good to be up and moving after sitting and watching for the past half hour.
The Maori men are in front and all they want us to do is follow along and do the Haka along with them. I look down at my wife and some of the other women and kids in the audience. There is some laughter and everyone is having a pretty good time with all of this. The men start the Haka...
Left foot forward and a firm stomp (no problem)
Right foot forward and stomping into a football type squat or stance (going good)
Both hands SLAP your own chest and yell something out. (I'm getting into this a little and feeling any inhibitions slipping away. Hey, this is fun, I'm thinking)
Tongue out and really nasty sneer. (I quickly think of a couple ex-girlfriends and wish they are both right in front of me. Look at me; the alpha male Maori warrior, ready for battle!)
We go back to the start... Left stomp / Right stomp / Hands on hips / Chest slap and grunt/yell / Make a mean face and yell some more...
Repeat: Right stomp (Oops. I'm fucked up and out of sync. I try to do that navy half step and get back into it but it's hard.) The biggest toughest Maori guy notices me fucking up and laughs. Now he gestures to me while rolling his eyes. I'm doing my best to laugh along with the audience and work my way through this.
The big Maori warrior knows he has me and is now playing it up. Eyes rolling, indignant laugh-sneer, imitating the way I fucked up. Hey! Did he just do what I thought I saw him do?! Did he just scratch under his left armpit with his left hand like a monkey or ape?! Okay, that's it. Now I don't even try to keep time and deliberately do shit wrong. Big Maori warrior is now facing the crowd and ignoring the white-man loser (me) behind and to his left.
I'm not sure why but all of a sudden I'm thinking of Dana Carvey and his long-running skit as the Church Lady on Saturday Night Live. "Well this is Special", I say to myself just the way the Church Lady said it. I make damn sure that Maori warrior guy is not looking and break into the Church-Lady-Dance! I pretend to grab Maori warrior and give him the goose - right there on the stage. Meanwhile, my wife has got this "Are you fucking crazy?" look of horror on her face but is laughing at the same time. The rest of the primarily female audience is laughing it up too. Don't know what made me do it. Was it... SATAN! (see any Church Lady skit.)
This goes on for another minute or so -- me making my way across the stage, hips gyrating, humping the Maori warriors. I goose a couple of the guys from the audience too just for good measure. I make my way back to my spot and finally get the real Haka tempo back. We all do one more genuine cycle and then the Maori warriors signal the end. The laughter subsides and people regain their senses. What the hell just happened! Did I dream it? I give myself a chest slap like in the dance and sure enough I'm there in the flesh. I think back to a counseling session where I'm being told I have to try and be more spontaneous. Ha!
The Maori warriors approach me with grins and each shakes my hand. Good to see that they can take a joke as well as dish it out ;) One of the Maori women looks at me with... nope. Better stop right here. I'm in more than enough trouble with the wife already.
User Reviews
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-05-19 04:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed reading this and like thecaes said, nothing jumped out and grabbed me but your storytelling kept my attention going throughout the post. My only advice is to not fully explain your refrences. I may have gone with "... and I thought 'Isn't that special?'" then mentioned the Church Lady Dance, then have the "SATAN" line, only once mentioning the character in imitation. That's the only thing I have to say.
That and you should post more. (Comming from the guy approaching the 1 year "uber-versary" with only 25 posts under his belt)
Best of luck,
Banga
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-28 23:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey man, got your request...
I liked this post. It was long, but it was telling me about things I have no idea about, so I enjoyed reading it. It was descriptive more than entertaining; you didn't put a lot of humour or 'action' or whatever in there, though it was funny to hear you describe your possibly-suicidal antics in the dance. And the 'could it be...SATAN' line was a nice touch.
As for advice, I've noticed that Uber tends not to acknowledge or kindly favor posts like this. A lot of people tune in to find something that makes them laugh, or for fiction, or what not. This was well written from a descriptive standpoint, but it doesn't WOW me or grab me or anything, you know what I mean?
Does that help you?
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-04-25 10:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
submitted by LeggsTitsenarse (user info) at 2005-04-23 01:49:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Glad you enjoied the trip, I'm a kiwi myself. Sorry to burst your bubble but reading this is just another reminder about how our tourisium industry gives flabricated and inaccurate information to tourists. I did start to write more about it here but I figured you wouldn't want to know about it so I deleted it.
Ignorance is bliss.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leggs: Sorry you didn't like the post. You figured wrong. In fact, I would like for you to come back and re-type what you deleted. My wife is from New Zealand. I just spent 3 weeks with in-laws and family and friends who have spent most or all of their lives in New Zealand. I have enormous respect for both the country and (most of) its citizens. You might want to re-read the post another time when you are in a better mood. Thank you and take care.
Submitted by kiwi_chick_in_canada (user info) at 2005-04-23 13:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess this site does not like special characters. whanau was the intended word where all those upper case symbols are. Worth the error just to give you another +2 Peckerhead :-)
Submitted by kiwi_chick_in_canada (user info) at 2005-04-23 12:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being a Kiwi I found this well worth a read. Knowing my whānau (family) in that part of the world I can well imagine them being rather keen to put on a little impromptu skit if a memeber of the public was prepared to go along with it.
Sad that there are people who would prefer not see the funny side of this but would rather type a review that is filled with spelling errors. If the tourist industry in New Zealand is protraying a "flabricated" way of life then I have not seen it on my many visits back to Aotearoa (The Land Of The Long White Cloud). Or could it be that I have just frequented the "wrong" parts of the country to notice this "flabrication"?
No matter what...the awesome picture is worth a plus 2!! Good effort, Peckerhead. It made me laugh :-)
Ka kite ano
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-04-23 05:19:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What,no sheep ranch stories?
O well, thats OK.....
I guess
Submitted by LeggsTitsenarse (user info) at 2005-04-23 01:49:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Glad you enjoied the trip, I'm a kiwi myself. Sorry to burst your bubble but reading this is just another reminder about how our tourisium industry gives flabricated and inaccurate information to tourists. I did start to write more about it here but I figured you wouldn't want to know about it so I deleted it.
Ignorance is bliss.
Submitted by SarahJones (user info) at 2005-04-23 01:41:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA Rotorua is the stikiest town in the world.
Too many fucking Maoris too!