R-E-S-P-E-C-T... (An Alltel Experience) (900 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 2 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by myredmirage95 (View user info) at 2005-03-21 14:06:18 EST
When you were a child, do you remember ever being bitch slapped by a parent and told to "Respect Your Elders" when you smart-mouthed your Grandma? I remember quite well because to this day I'm still bitch slapped and told to show respect. It's not that I don't want to be a civil person (generally I am a "Yes, sir, No sir, Thank you ma'am, you're welcome ma'am" type of person), it's just that I don't think I should have to be civil to everyone, especially to those who show no respect whatsoever to anyone, be them 2 years old or 92 years old.
Recently, on my way to work, my dad and I stopped by the Alltel store so I could pay my cell phone bill (I don't trust the mail). As always, there were only four employees who were working hurriedly trying to assist the 18 million people packed into the small establishment. I side stepped around the screaming children, ducked underneath the legs of the giant redneck in overalls and tip-toed past the sleeping dragon on the floor that was protecting the newest models of phones and took my place in line behind an older gentleman. The man was probably somewhere between 65 and 72 years of age and was sitting very grumpily on the dragons tail.
I looked at the old man and smiled, saying hello. The geriatric looked up at me and began his rant.
"I've been in this God forsaken place for 10 minutes waiting to be helped! I can't wait here all fucking day!" he said, fire shooting from his eyes, scorching my favorite shirt.
If I had been a bad person, or at least more bad than I am, I would have yelled at him then; either that or laughed in his face. Ten minutes? Ten whole minutes? You don't fucking say! I've waited in line for 2 hours to get my phone serviced when I dropped it in my glass of Dr. Pepper and I didn't complain, but here this guy was, nearly having a stroke over 10 minutes. I bit my tongue and nodded, adding that "It was ridiculous" and then I turned away from him to look at some overpriced accessories, hoping that he would not talk to me anymore; but alas, he did not shut up. I could have kicked my own ass for initiating this conversation. He grumbled for another 10 minutes about how he had to wait so long and kept getting louder and louder until it was his turn to pay his bill.
At this point, I think anyone who was fed up with waiting would just shut up, pay the bill and get the hell out. But no, not this guy. Not this man who had served X number of years fighting the Nazis and 'Japs' in WWII, not the guy who has to limp 30 feet to his mail box to get his social security check using a crutch because his knee cap was nearly blown out by shrapnel. He was a war veteran, damn it, and he deserved to have his ass licked by all! BY ALL! And he proceeded to let the cashier know this.
I stood back, amazed by his stupidity. He had waited a whole 20 minutes and was now screaming in the face of his savior from the chaos that is Alltel. Calmly and gently, the cashier asked the man to step out of her face and refrain from using that kind of language towards her or in front of the other customers. To this, the old man screamed louder, calling her a stupid bitch and making idle threats to which the cashier slid back her seat and told him to remove himself from the premises and mail his payment.
Everything happened so fast. I was standing in line, maybe 10 feet away from the old man, when he began to shake violently as he threw his head back and began staring open-mouthed at the ceiling. Everyone in the store was now watching with bated breath at what was about to occur. Suddenly, there was a high pitched scream emitted from deep inside the old man and rays of blood red light were shooting out of every orifice as his body morphed into something I can only describe as a demon, a demon from the very pits of hell, or a retirement village, either or both. The demon/retiree stood face to face with the cashier and said in a low growl.
"You WILL take my payment now, you bitch! I did NOT drive 5 miles to get some cocky assed whore to tell me to MAIL IT IN! AAAAAAHHHHH!"
Everyone had now crouched onto the floor, everyone except the kids in the corner who were egging him on while they wagged their forked tails and stamped their miniature pitchforks in lieu of applause. The cashier however, stood firm and handed him the phone and told him to call customer support and talk to them about it.
In an instant, the beast was back to his old, wrinkled self and began to speak to the customer support person, retelling everything that had just taken place, but more sugar coated. His voice was now in a very mild tone, almost angelic, but he threw in a few stutters and sobs to make him sound like he was a victim of a massive gang raping. Then he began to lie, lie through his teeth, lie like no man has lied before.
"Sir, I was just in here to make my phone payment and this lady just started yelling at me and screaming in my face and I said 'ma'am what's wrong, I just need to make my payment' and she wouldn't let me, sir. She told me to make her! I...I didn't do anything wrong! *uncontrollable sobs*"
At this point, I lost my temper. It was now 2:45pm and I had to be at my work station, ready to begin my job by 3:00pm, and now this fucker was wasting even more time by bullshitting sympathy from someone in Calcutta. Being late for work wouldn't have been horrible, but I can not stand a liar. I hate liars and everything they stand for and I called out the old man.
"YOU DAMN LIAR!" I shouted, loudly enough so that the customer service rep. on the phone could also hear me.
The old man looked at me with fire in his eyes again, covering the speaker with his palm. "What...did you....say?" he snarled.
"I said, YOU ARE A DAMN LIAR!" I repeated, this time louder. "You've stood here for the past 5 minutes screaming at this poor woman who is working her ass off to serve you as best she can and then you get on the phone to customer support and lie through your damn teeth! You should be ashamed!"
Somehow I had touched a nerve with the Strom Thurmond look-alike and this is when he laid the line on me that I've heard all of my life...
"Lady, didn't your parents ever teach you to respect your elders?"
"Of course they taught me to respect my elders," I said, " they also taught me that if I talked out of turn that I was going to get bitch slapped, they taught me that if I back talked to them I was going to get bitch slapped and if I lied, guess what, I was going to get bitch slapped. They also taught me that you have to GIVE respect to GET respect, which overrules the "respect your elders" bullshit."
The old man knew he was beat and put the phone back on the receiver and apologized to the cashier in an attempted to appease her so he could make his payment and walk out of the place with a shred of dignity. The cashier, who was grinning smugly because I had just said the things that she so desperately wanted to say, looked around him towards me and said "May I help you ma'am?" to which I replied "Yes, you may." and I proceeded to give her my bill and money. The man began his procedure of turning back into 'Grandpa Satan' but I shot him a look that made him duck and cover behind his child minions who hissed and brandished their pitchforks in my direction.
After the transaction took place, I thanked the lady, and made my way towards the door, getting pats on the back by other customers and a friendly puff of smoke from the dragon. As I was stepping out, I heard the man asking to speak to the manager. I stopped just before going out the door to hear her say to him, "Sir, you've already spoken to the manager. You've already screamed in the manager's face and you've even called the manager a bitch. I do not think that the manager is going to be of any help to you, other than getting you banned from this place of business." I smiled to myself as I exited the building, punting one of the minion children in front of a passing Hummer on my way to my car.
"What took so long? I heard screaming. What did you do this time?" my father asked, looking slightly panicked.
"Disrespected an elder." I said, as I pulled out into the highway, running over the kid one more time for good measure.
Until next month...
User Reviews
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-10 14:12:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PolPotPourri (user info) at 2005-04-02 03:55:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The funniest thing I've read all week.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-04-01 15:53:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
noob, your picture didn't go through. Attach the actual picture and resend it to "donitsu2002.at.juno.com"
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-22 16:14:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-03-21 23:11:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to father your children.
Submitted by aceyloulou (user info) at 2005-03-21 18:31:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is it that old people are only in a hurry when they AREN'T driving?
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-21 16:04:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When old people act irate about having to wait in line I always want to ask them "What's your hurry...it's not like you have anyplace you need to be.
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-03-21 15:22:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAahahahahahahahahahahaha!
That is wonderful.
Love,
A former Cingular Wireless Employee
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-03-21 14:36:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You were in line behind Howard Dean?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-21 14:22:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn whippersnappers.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-21 14:18:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have just kicked his feet out from under him. Subtlety is not my forte.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-21 14:16:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment