Georgia Literacy hits New Low: My Own Personal Study at Georgia Southern University (1169 hits)
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Submitted by TimeCop (View user info) at 2005-03-11 01:16:54 EST
As a desk worker at my "honors" dorm, I get bored fairly easily. Working from 11 pm to 2am gets quite dull when there are no people around to talk to, or coerce into an assassination attempt on that guy at the dining hall who is convinced that two small chicken fingers are enough to form a sandwich.
I usually read Ubersite, watch some movies, or read a book. When all of that finally fails me, I grab a newspaper from the rack in front of me. I like to pretend to be dignified to be learning about world events, when I'm really just looking through the paper for the police blotter or those funny little "Only In America..." bits.
Last Wednesday's student paper declared, in quite a large headline, that Georgia's literacy rate had dropped even lower than was expected. "That's not really fair," I thought. "Sure some people around the state can't read, but those are most likely isolated areas where literary ability is not valued, needed, or encouraged. Surely it's different in more enlightened places like the big cities (OK, just one, Atlanta) and our state's colleges and universities."
I barely finish this thought when I hear a knocking at the western door by the computer lab. I look over to see someone banging on the door frame and waving to me.
The same door with a giant "DO NOT USE! DOOR BROKEN! DANGEROUS!" Below that I had posted a smaller sign: "TOP-THINGY WILL SWING DOWN AND HIT YOU IN TESTICLES!" We locked the door as a precaution.
The girl is now yelling to me, something along the lines of "I THINK THE DOOR IS LOCKED OR SOMETHING!"
Not even moving from my seat, I yell back "IT'S BROKEN! YOU HAVE TO GO AROUND! IT DOESN'T WORK! YOU HAVE TO USE THE OTHER ONE!"
Her: NO, THAT'S TOO FAR!
Actual distance between doors: 92.5 feet.
Fine, let's just see what happens. I walk over and unlock the bar on the door and step back, awaiting the results.
She storms through the door, shoots me a mean look, and immediately doubles over as the safety thing at the top of the door falls off it's hinge, swings on its arm, and punches her in the ovaries.
I try to help he up, but she just starts yelling at me. "What the FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!? THAT COULD'VE KILLED ME! YOU HAVE TO WARN PEOPLE ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT! LIKE, WITH A SIGN OR SOMETHING!"
As I try to point out the signs, she gets a disgusted look on her face. "Like anyone even reads those sign things anymore!"
When she left, I added to the second sign "...OR OVARIES!" It wasn't until after completing a pictograph of a girl getting smashed in the vagina and a guy getting his testicles knocked off like croquet balls that people never tried to open that door again.
I began to do a study to see exactly what people will do to avoid reading at all costs.
Case #1: Wiggers/African'ts refuse to read 36 sq. ft. banner
Just before watching television, I took a large roll of butcher paper and wrote "IF YOU NEED HELP I'M WATCHING TELEVISION!" I hung this banner across the entire front desk area. Total area of banner = 3 feet by 12 feet. Two guys came in. They walked around the desk area looking for me, complaining about where the staff was, for nearly 12 minutes. Finally, one of them got the courage to read the impossible-to-miss sign. Then he yelled at me for being lazy and watching TV and not working, instead being on the internet and not working.
It turns out they needed a DVD. When asked which ones they wanted, they said, "Shit, man, whatch'all got?" I pointed out the list of DVDs on the counter.
I have never seen more pouting and swearing by a human being.
Random Wigger/African't: "SHIT, MAN, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO READ FUCKING LISTS! I'M OUGHTA HERE!"
He and his friend tried to go through the door at the same time and got their bling tangled. I wish I had a video camera.
Case #2: Crazy Sorority Girl wants to print something on the toner-less printer
The printer in our computer lab ran out of ink. We were told that IT services would be out to fix it on Monday. I wrote all of this on a sheet of paper, unplugged the printer, and attached the sign.
It wasn't five minutes later that the first person came to see me.
Crazy Soroity Girl: Y'all need to be fixin' the printer! Somethin' wrong with it!
Me: Excuse me?
CSG: Yeah, first off it's unplugged, and when I put it back in the power hole and tried to print it ain't put nothin' on the pages!
Me: Did you read the sign?
CSG: I saw it, but I figure it'd save time if I just came up and asked.
Me: The sign explains everything.
CSG: Well, what's it say.
Me: Check out the sign. I assure you, you will like it.
She sighs, goes back into the lab, and comes out 30 seconds later. "Allright, I read it, but I got a question."
Me: Go for it.
CSG: What's wrong with it?
Me: Oh, Jesus Christ-
CSG: DON'T YOU TAKE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN! I CAN SUE!
Me: The problem is that he devil's in that printer, so I'd stay away if I were you.
Case #3: The Ultimate Test
Our hours recently changed at the front desk. We now open and close an hour later. We used to open at 7am. Now we open at 8 am. My boss, thinking that I love making signs, assigned me to make sure everyone knew about this.
I sent out two emails. I put posters at every gate to enter the buildings. I put up large signs on the entry doors to the place I work. I stuck signs to the doors of more than 300 residents. I changed the screensaver of every computer to show our new hours. There was a notice about it in the paper. In the newsletter. In the school magazine. If I had the budget, I would've hired a sky writer.
On the day that we first opened at 8, there were EXACTLY 43 people waiting at the doors, ready to get in, at 7:15 AM.
Some people are just fucking idiots.
I'm not afraid of any of them finding out about this post. Why? Because, honestly, do you think they're going to take the time to read this?
User Reviews
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2009-05-12 18:33:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where I work a basic scientific knowledge is required for you to get by and yet, in what should be a somewhat enlightened place, the topic of conversation today was Peter Andre and Jordan's break up and why I, TToM, shouldn't take the piss out of Jade Goody because she is dead.
Thats an even BETTER time to insult someone since theyre even less likely to find out and hurt you.
Anyway, my point is that people are fucking stupid.
Did you hear theyre making Kate McCann the new England manager? She's only lost one in Europe.
Whats the difference between a cow and Jade Goody? You cant milk a dead cow.
What's pink and covered in cobwebs? Madeleine McCann's bike
I could go on...
Did you hear you can catch swine flu from dead pigs? Jack Tweddy is shitting himself.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-05-12 18:08:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Utterly understand buddy.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-15 19:29:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wtf im not reading all that
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-03-13 02:49:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Go Dogs?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-03-13 01:46:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i've told you about my views on colleges being money-grubbing whores over many a night of hot cocoa, so i think i'm done here. Gonna go piss myself, take it easy.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-03-12 01:05:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment Necessary
Submitted by Recalcitrant (user info) at 2005-03-11 12:08:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I recommend printing 1,000 copies of this post out (at least the part about the ovaries) and display them around your campus.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-03-11 11:51:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, there are a lot of dumb people here, but there are quite a few smart ones as well. I think Georgia Southern is pretty indicative of our nation as a whole.
On the plus side, we had a table set out with free bottled water for all the residents . I put out a sign. They thought the water cost money, and therefor no water was taken.
My response? I just got 113 free bottles of water.
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-03-11 11:26:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-11 10:11:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this real?
Seriously?
-----------------
he IS at georgia southern. not the brightest of the bunch.
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-03-11 11:09:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
O.M.G.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-03-11 10:25:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uhhh... wat doz tht sin meen. i dunt got it? wy doo yu hat peepl tat kant speel gud. u r not a gud persun. i hat u too.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-11 10:11:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this real?
Seriously?
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-03-11 09:44:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was dope, yo, uh.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-11 09:33:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's worse across the river here in South Carolina.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-03-11 09:32:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Obviously, the girl coming through the broken door felt as if the sign was for Males only since testicle damage was the only danger posted.
Good post.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-11 09:02:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I always know clicking on your posts won't waste my time
+2
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-03-11 08:54:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-11 08:52:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"It wasn't until after completing a pictograph of a girl getting smashed in the vagina and a guy getting his testicles knocked off like croquet balls that people never tried to open that door again."
This made me burst out laughing.
Great post.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-03-11 08:45:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-11 08:43:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm worried for the future of mankind.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-11 08:43:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm worried for the future of mankind.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-11 08:26:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel kind of bad because I'm always making cracks about Southern when I review your posts. Fortunately, this time I don't have to because this post speaks for itself.
Don't worry - you're obviously the smartest person that goes to school there.
GO DAWGS WOO
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-11 06:13:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2005-03-11 05:36:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Guess what? People are stoopid.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-03-11 05:05:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Party on fellow desk aide.
Oh, and as a side note...FUCK YOU GEORGIANS AND YOUR FUCKING FREE COLLEGE AND HOPE SCHOLARSHIP. I HOPE ALL OF YOU FUCKTARDS NEVER EVER GET A JOB AND DIE.
Thank you for your patronage
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-03-11 03:54:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
solid
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-03-11 03:39:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta love state schools.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-11 03:08:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-03-11 02:57:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-03-11 02:51:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I red it it was funnee LOLROFLLMAO! you shood reely put up a bigger sine with ezier to reed leders and thingamajiggers on it... i got noked in ma teslicles
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-03-11 02:06:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it. +2 for the pretty picture.
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-11 01:54:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
amazing
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-11 01:23:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Put a "pull to open" sign on a door and count how many people try to push it open.