Black History Month - My Own Personal Hell. Thanks a lot, Ja Halla. (1350 hits)
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Submitted by TimeCop (View user info) at 2005-03-01 23:32:44 EST
Every February of my entire life has been all right. I learned about some presidents, Martin Luther King Junior, and got a little decorated paper sack hanging off my desk filled with Valentines. In Georgia, this is the February System. It starts in kindergarten and follows you all throughout high school, and now, as I have found out, partially into college.
Yet this is the worst one yet. Take a guess.
No, it wasn't getting a shitty grade on my Spanish test. Nice try.
No, it wasn't having to sit through the shitty process that is judicial affairs for my professor's plagiarism. Not a bad attempt, but try again.
No, it wasn't my girlfriend breaking up with me just before Valentine's day. Good guess though.
It was, ladies and gentlemen, a lethal combination of Black History Month and a man named Ja Halla.
I remember how it all started...
I noticed Ja Halla the moment I entered my Honors US History class in January. No, not because he was the only black guy in the room. Not even because he was the only person in the room not wearing a shirt. I noticed him most of all for the fact that he was the only person yelling and jumping from desk to desk.
He gently articulated his arguments, saying "DAMN, NIGGA, WHY GOT TA BE SO COLD IN HERE?!? I'M FROM FUCKIN' AFRICA AND IT BE TOO FUCKIN COLD FO' A NIGGA TA WORK! DAMN, NIGGA!"
I took a seat outside his leaping radius and tried to locate the single pen I had thought to bring.
The teacher tried to put things right. "Well, you'd be warmer if you wore a shirt, I have one right here you can borrow if-"
"OH, I SEE HOW IT IS! YOU TRYIN' TA DECIDE WHAT I WEAR AND NOT?!? SHEE-IT! I DON'T WEAR HONKY CLOTHING!" I glanced at the label on his jeans...which were from The Gap. I wisely kept my mouth shut.
He eventually got quiet and got ready to take some notes. He did this by grabbing the notebook of the kid next to him, ripping out a sheet, and dropping the rest on the floor.
"I KNOW SUMBADY GOT A PEN FO' A NIGGA RIGHT NAAA!" He punched me in the shoulder. "HONKY, GIMME A PEN!"
"Sorry, I've only got the one-"
"NAW, NAW I SEE HOW IT IS! YOU TRYIN TA KEEP A NIGGA DOWN SO THEY DON'T GET NO EDUCATION SO YOU CAN KEEP A NIGGA DOWN! WHITE TRASH CRACKA!"
For this entire semester, it hasn't gotten better.
Here's a fun fact about Ja Halla: no white person can pronounce his name correctly. This isn't a result of culture, lingual ability, or any other scientific basis. It is only because if you say his name, and he sees that you have white skin, he will tell you that you pronounced it wrong.
During the course of class, I have discovered that I am keeping him down, with the following evidence:
1) Projection screens are white.
2) The professor drives a black car, so she is using black people.
3) The refrigerators at our dorms are white.
4) Pages in the book are white with black text, implying that the black letters couldn't exist without the white page. Also, this has something to do with illiteracy or something.
5) I like to wear button-down cotton shirts, many of which are white. Also, it's made of cotton, which means I support slave labor.
6) Our financial aid paychecks are white.
7) My cell phone is white.
The list goes on, but a) I don't want to bore you and b) 7 is my lucky number.
Black History Month has only aggravated the situation. He constantly tells every single thing a black person has every invented and then got stolen by, and then accredited to, white men. Television, radio, cold fusion, soy sauce, DVDs, rechargeable batteries, and ghosts came about in this fashion.
Fun fact: good ghosts are black, and evil ghosts are white, according to the very scientific opinions of Ja Halla and the movie "Poltergeist."
Today, the first day after Black History Month, I was finally allowed to be right again by the powers-that-be.
It started off with Ja Halla insulting yet another of my cotton shirts. "YEAH MAN, WHY YOU WEAR COTTON SO MUCH? 'CUZ MY FAMILY HAD TA GROW IT, CUZ WE WERE YOUR SLAVES? MAN, I WANNA COKE, GIMME A DOLLA' AS PART OF MY RETRIBUTIONS!"
Before I could argue, the professor came to my aid.
"Actually, Ja Halla, I don't think that's going to work out quite right. Do you remember that genealogy project we did last month?"
He had winced when she spoke his name "incorrectly," but remained silent until she questioned him. He remembered that we had done the project.
"Well, according to Ben's genealogy, the earliest member of his family present in America was 1904. They emmigrated from Ireland. As you can see, that's well after that whole slavery business ended. So it's quite impossible that Ben's family ever owned any member of your family at any point in history.
"Secondly, unless that shirt is nearly 150 years old, there is no way it was made by slave labor in America. I sweat shop in Taiwan maybe, but definitely NOT by your ancestors.
"And if I'm not mistaken, Ja Halla, you are the first child in you family to be born in America. According to your somewhat embellished genealogy, both your parents were born and raised in Africa. Therefor, none of you ancestors could possibly be slaves.
"Next off, according to your genealogy, you are a direct descendant of a tribe that went to war in Africa to capture other Africans to be SOLD into slavery. If anyone in here needs to be handing out reparations in here, Ja, it's YOU."
She smiled a secret little smile and took the piece of paper off the podium and put it in her bag. She had taken time to write up a sheet of notes for an argument like this. For preparing to utterly decimate an idiotic student with notes and possibly a powerpoint presentation, I award her 50 gold stars.
I swear, if a man could slouch any lower in his seat from embarrassment, his head would be above his feet.
Guess what, asshole? It's Irish History Month now! And your gonna sit and listen every fucking thing I have to say.
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-05-12 18:22:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aces
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-02-22 14:08:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-02-22 13:55:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post should get a spot on the front page every February!
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2005-03-03 12:57:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to sex up your history teacher
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-03 03:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-03-03 03:09:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yep i can relate to that,its the same down under.Great post by the way.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-03-02 13:09:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-02 12:49:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And bravo for Jack's comments
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-02 12:49:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ja Halla = PWNED
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-03-02 12:44:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-02 12:15:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn nigga, you is FUCKED up.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-03-02 12:02:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I, the Sassmasterr, have recently judged his socks to be quite sassy, thus earning you a +2.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-03-02 11:58:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:34:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my God...I think this is my new favorite post.
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:33:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
racist.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:56:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Only at Southern could you get away with not wearing a shirt to class.
*feels superior*
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:26:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
niggeriffic
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-02 05:26:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The picture made me smile somethin fierce.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-02 05:17:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh he. I'm a white-ass cracka, and I'm waaaaay more African than him. I wish I could tell him that, just to see his reaction.
pwesome story Mr. Timecop.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-03-02 04:34:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-02 02:42:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-02 00:02:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're my racist asshole alter.
You racist asshole.
_______
Why are butch women from Australia always secretly racist?
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-03-02 02:40:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-03-02 02:37:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-03-02 02:01:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
Did I do something to piss you off or something? I don't see any.
-------------------------
emigrated and therefore
But I was just answering your question. I don't give a shit about spelling and this post was awesome.
Submitted by MoneyG (user info) at 2005-03-02 02:32:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PWNED
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-03-02 02:07:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well done indeed
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-03-02 02:01:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Did I do something to piss you off or something? I don't see any.
Submitted by Dustbrother (user info) at 2005-03-02 01:42:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
it was ok, but there were too many spelling errors
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-03-02 01:40:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I MEANT feet above his head. Damnit. I think I've proof-read something and then BAM! I've fucked it up again.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-03-02 01:37:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FUNNY BECAUSE BLACK PEOPLE ALL REALLY DO YELL WHEN THEY TALK!!!
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2005-03-02 01:35:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know where you go to school, but it's fucking awesome. From plagaristic professors to ones that do this shit, you apparently have way too much fuel for ubersite fun.
Good stuff.
Submitted by Gizmo (user info) at 2005-03-02 01:30:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved it
Though theoretically a man's head is always above his feet.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-03-02 01:06:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have seen enough, corral the men and tell them it's time to clean up the cafeteria.
I don't know, it's late.
Submitted by algermetiphist (user info) at 2005-03-02 00:44:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2005-03-02 00:37:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hot.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-03-02 00:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because linkwhore! http://www.ubersite.com/m/60087
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-03-02 00:28:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man, I love your prof a lot. Tell her I am sending her a thumbs up via internet.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-03-02 00:17:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And it happened to me, too. And I think it's ironic, in an over-used, cliched way.
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-03-02 00:13:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No, it wasn't my girlfriend breaking up with me just before Valentine's day. Good guess though
um not funny you tard, that happened to me...
but the rest was,
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-03-02 00:12:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fantastico
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-03-02 00:04:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want your professor to have my babies.
I get called a "crazy cracka" all the time, and get accused of "oppressing the lack man with my ivory skin." They don't seem to link my accent to the fact that neither I, nor anyone else in my family were born in this country, so I can't have owned slaves at any point.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-02 00:02:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're my racist asshole alter.
You racist asshole.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-03-01 23:51:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
EXACTLY, JACK! I'm glad I'm not the only person this annoys. My college is somewhere around 45% black, about 6000 or so, and there are maybe all of 100 who are complete idiots. This guy is one of the maybe 300 black people I have met in class, and he's the only idiot.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-03-01 23:50:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post was hilarious. Nice work.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-03-01 23:42:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Get ready to be called a racist.
I work with a lot of blacks that are just average joes like me, paying their taxes, having a few beers on the weekend, etc.
What I'm tired of is the crazy nigger routine. San Francisco is full of these welfare-sucking slobs who justify a crack habit by saying they are oppressed and screaming for spare change on the corner. Just as bad as the white trash bums on the same street corner year after year, taking advantage of the liberal pussy overpaid city supervisors who keep giving them handouts.
Funny how you don't see any of that shit in Chinatown, though, or Japantown.
Very entertaining post!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-03-01 23:39:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent!!!!!