I'm Renaming My Possum "Flash" 'Cause That Fucker Can Run! (776 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.8 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by myredmirage95 (View user info) at 2005-02-25 02:40:56 EST
I live in North Carolina; the deep, back-woods parts of North Carolina with stinking chicken houses, rebel flag waving rednecks and old people who never drive over 30mph. Needless to say, I hate it all, much like I hate most other things, such as wrestling, NASCAR, children and most of all....possums.
Since I live in the "boonies" if you will, there is an abundance of these disgusting, moving speed bumps disgracing the area that I inhabit. Despite my hatred for this useless species, I've become almost fond of one. You see, this possum is not like most possums; he is special. The average possum is a pussy. If you run at it with a blunt object whilst screaming at the top of your lungs, the little bastards will roll over and pretend to have had a heart attack while it gets beat to death, or at least until you get bored or disgusted at its pussy-ism. But Wally...yes, I named him Wally... Wally O. Possum to be exact, is NOT a pussy.
Late one night, my first encounter with said possum, my mother, who is crazy, runs to me explaining that there is a possum outside on the side walk. I took off my headphones because mixed with The Used, it sounded like she said that "a posse was outside doing a sly waltz" and I feared she had forgotten to take her meds again so I went outside to investigate... and there was Wally, his bright rabid eyes shining at me. I cursed at him in hatred of the possum species and he hissed back exhibiting his disgust in me as well...I was amused; amused enough to want to take a picture. I ran inside to get my digital cam and I tried to take aim as best I could in the dark, using his glowing eyes as my focus...but they kept getting closer and I thought I had my finger on the zoom. WRONG! I found out that night that Wally doesn't like his picture taken because he began to run, not waddle like most possums, but run straight at me screeching and hissing. I screamed and snapped the picture and ran inside. I swear if that flash hadn't of blinded him momentarily, I'd have been made Wally's bitch. I'm still impressed with how fast he can run. That's another reason why Wally is better than other possums. I really should rename him "Flash" because that fucker can run. If you put him in a race against the fasted man on Earth...he'd win and after he won, he'd bite off the guy's head and do a victory lap dragging it along behind him. That's just how awesome Wally...or 'Flash' is.
Even though Wally is such a badass and after I tried to blind him with my cam, he still stays around my home, eating the cat's food and intimidating them with his speed and ferociousness. Which, to be honest, is great because I hate 97% or more of my mother's cats and it's about time they got what's coming to them. I'm just hoping one day Wally will bite one of my crack smoking loser cousins on the face and give them rabies or syphilis...one or the other, or both. That would really make my day.
My mother says Wally looks like a bear.
User Reviews
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-02-26 01:48:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-02-25 12:07:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, a possum out of its natural habitat; its natural habitat being "dead in the middle of the road".
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Well, I was gonna name him "R.K (Road Kill) Possum" but I didn't think it was as original as Wally.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-02-25 12:07:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, a possum out of its natural habitat; its natural habitat being "dead in the middle of the road".
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2005-02-25 12:00:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awwww!
Look at da wittle bitty cutesy wewtsy possum wossum bear!
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-02-25 12:00:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I swear if that flash hadn't of blinded him momentarily,
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Yeah, you are a fuckin redneck...
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-25 11:59:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They are nasty little bastards when they're cornered and figure out they can't play dead. I watched one tear a racoon apart. Racoons can be pretty nasty but that freakish possum handed ole coony his ass.
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-02-25 11:59:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck, man.....looks like a floating head.
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-02-25 11:46:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Survival of the fittest! I live about 800 miles NNW of you and we get REAL bears in our back yard; will try and find a pic of one and maybe do a post on that. Good work.
Submitted by garcon_fou (user info) at 2005-02-25 10:45:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-25 10:33:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry, son, but I think Flash has rabies. I'm going to need you to go ahead and shoot him, then send his head to Dr. Jeanneee's lab for analysis.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-02-25 06:38:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was at Warren's trailer doing his mum and I could have sworn I saw him wrapping a possum (NOT dissimilar to this one) in masking tape. Quick, Call 911, then Family Services to rescue his parents - I'll be finished by the time they get here.
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-02-25 04:22:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This should be a +3, but
Best Of The Night
will have to do.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-02-25 03:33:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Unquestionable +2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-25 03:24:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So much so that for some reason I told you twice
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-25 03:23:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That possum does look fucking nuts. Not that I know what an ordinary possum looks like. This was well written, and amusing. I liked the bit about the posse doing the waltz particularily
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-25 03:23:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That possum does look fucking nuts. Not that I know what an ordinary possum looks like. This was well written, and amusing. I liked the bit about the posse doing the waltz particularily
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-02-25 03:18:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Our possums are cuter... =)
http://www.tvwc.org/Assets/BrushtailPossum_1.jpg
Submitted by Otters (user info) at 2005-02-25 02:54:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay this post is great! I love possums. I am sorry you live in North Carolina. I like your writing style a lot.
Submitted by aceyloulou (user info) at 2005-02-25 02:42:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WALLY RULES!!!!!!!!!! I LUV YA!!!!!!!!!!