Bird and Bird are bad parents (3288 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.97 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom <theubertom.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-21 11:32:34 EST
Let me introduce to you Bird and Bird. My mom brought home a bird one day. She named it something cute, I am not sure what. Something. I called it Bird. It's a bird, it looked like something you'd call a bird. Bird isn't a smart bird. It'd scream and sing until you walked over to the cage, then it would look at you.
Golden Rule: Never ever touch bird for any reason. Ever.
Bird doesn't want to be touched, pet, and frankly Bird doesn't even like you touching her cage. Hey, look at that, I just gave Bird a gender. Bird is a she.
After telling my mother that Bird is annoying, mom got a second Bird so they could keep each other company. Well, it didn't make them quieter. Mother got a blue bird. So, now we have a green bird, female, and blue bird, male. We thought they were both male until I caught them doing the nasty over their food dish. I laughed for five minutes. Just like in the kitchen I guess.
The next part of my story surprised me. I put in a nest box and some hay and grass so they could nest and do their business. I also did my research to make sure everything was in good shape. Everything was in good shape. Bird, however, surprised me with just how much enthusiasm could go into her nest. First, she'd grab ONE piece of grass. She'd look at it, lick it, feel it over, then take it in the box. Once in the box, she'd stand there for a minute, looking around, then set it down somewhere. Occasionally she would decide that it's in a bad place, as if it matters, and place it elsewhere.
I guess it was a stressful time, as she did nothing but complain at her boyfriend, Bird. Poor Bird was trying to help her and she'd always insult him over it. No grass he picked up was good enough and Bird was not allowed inside that nestbox for any reason.
Okay, so she's a bit possessive of things. You sort of have to sneak changing her food or water dish while she isn't looking otherwise she'll sit there and scream. Bird doesn't care, as he is too afraid to stand up to me.
The first egg came. Then a second. Then a third. Then a sixth. Not really in that order, but you get the idea. There were six eggs. I predicted the worst, but only one hatched. Fine and dandy, mother never gave away the baby. I vowed to move if she kept any more.
Shortly after this bird was in its own cage (as Bird and Bird became hostile toward Bird) they were already laying more eggs. This time it was five. I figured it'd be just like last time, maybe two birds.
Suddenly, I heard God's booming laugh and then his omnipotent "NO!" as he reached his finger into their bird box and magically made all five of the little eggies fertile. God bless Bird and Bird, right?
So we have five baby birds. I notice Bird and Bird are both a little frazzled. Bird was feeding too many babies and Bird missed casual sex. Stressful situation, I imagine. Because there were too many kids, the oldest one tried killing some of the younger ones by pecking them and food hoarding.
Blasphemy!
I was cleaning out the cage when I noticed something weird about one of the babies. It had these marks all over it. Upon closer inspection, change marks to 'infected gashes' and you'd have Bird. The baby is six days old now, completely naked, about a quarter of a pound at most and is a sorry infected bag of pity.
I removed this bird and considered it dead. I decided to throw my hat in and give a shot at reviving it cause I wuv da widdle baby aminals. One of the infected gashes on its head exposed the skull, which I figure (and still do to some extent or another) would doom it. I decided to call around to vets in the area and see how much it'd cost to get it stitched up and MAYBE get a topical antibiotic to get rid of infection. The first place I called had their bird doctor out of town and referred me to another 'good place'. I called it and asked how much it'd be to stitch up my weak little friend. This was our conversation:
Woman: Hello, such and such veterinary office.
Tom: I have a big problem. One of my bird's babies has a large cut in its head that even exposes the skull and I was wondering how much it'd be to stitch it back up.
Woman: Well, let me talk to our doctor that's in. Can you hold?
Tom: Sure.
Music: I think I did it again. I made you believe we're more than just friends. Oh baby. It might seem, like a crush, but it doesn't mean that I'm serious 'cause to lose all my senses. That is just so typically me. Oh baby, baby Oops!...I did it again I played with yo-
Woman: Hello?
Tom: Eherm, uhnh, hi.
Woman: Hi, well, the vet can see you now but I can't really give you a quote, but I can tell you that the bill for even looking at the bird now is going to be 45 dollars.
Tom: What? Forty-five dollars?
Woman: Yes sir, that is our general price, then however much it'd cost to stitch it up and whatever would be needed there.
Tom: Wow, that's a lot. If I had 45 dollars every time I looked at a sick animal, I'd be living in a condo in Orange. Well, I have your number, ma'am. I'll discuss it with the family.
Woman: Okay.
That shit is so not happening, and I think today I might call around to other vets to get quotes, because I think it does need to be stitched up or else. It's too big to close on its own, and it'll only get worse.
Back on to my story though, I bought stuff to feed the bird myself and put it under a hot lamp. I leave the bird in my living room where my mother and brother are watching television. I'm mixing up some food when suddenly I hear "Shit, the cat's got it!"
My heart stopped for a second. Turns out in a twisted event, nobody was watching the bird, the cat grabbed it and ran.
The cat penetrated its skin, but missed vital organs as it stopped bleeding quickly. That wound has since closed and scabbed.
Bird didn't eat much during the first feeding. It ate a lot the second time, which was midnight. It was so full of food it looked like it could explode. It did, in a sense, as I woke up at 4 am for the first feeding of the day to the question "Good God what IS that smell?"
Maybe I'll update you later.
User Reviews
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2006-11-27 22:41:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I found a dead duck in my yard once. I shit you not. A dead duck with probably five bullets in its breast. Screwed. Up.
Submitted by aceyloulou (user info) at 2005-03-05 02:13:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I laughed, I cried, but I hate birds, so I kinda cheered when the cat got it.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-02-26 11:17:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How long ago was this?
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-02-24 14:51:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:10:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't read any of the reviews, so I don't know that this has been suggested yet, but Malt-o-Meal is the best food for baby birds. That's what we fed all the birds i rescued when I was a kid, and they all lived.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:09:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-02-21 17:13:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
LIVE LITTLE BIRDY, LIVE!!!
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-22 09:58:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was in this restaurant in Indonesia that had pidgeon goreng. I had never had pidgen before, so I thought I would try it (the pidgeons there are just as clean as the chickens). Turns out it was an entire baby pidgeon deep fried, and it looked a lot like that picture. That was one of 2 meals in Indo I ordered and didn't eat.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2005-02-22 03:30:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's looking at you................Bird
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-02-22 03:24:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-02-21 22:22:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
I call my animals by what they are.
"C'mere dog!"
"C'mere cat!"
"C'mere dangerously poisonous amphibious racoon!"
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-02-22 03:15:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We shall call him...... Method.
On a side note: I run a bath and go to get the toaster. (They took away the only thing I love which is my gf.) I went insane. She was like give me my toaster. So I give it to her. The I get in the tub anyway with my clothes on.
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-02-22 03:07:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm kind of stuck between rating it high or rating it low. I want to rate it low because I got attached to the little bird and I HATE birds with a passion and you made me cry because the bird bit it...but I want to rate it high because you went the extra mile to try to save the bird...*sigh* I have no choice, +2
Oh ya, this story also reminded me of these 2 birds that my previous employer owned. They tried for years to get them to have babies and even though the birds had sex many times a day, they never laid eggs. Come to find out the birds were both male. *snickers*
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-02-21 22:22:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I call my animals by what they are.
"C'mere dog!"
"C'mere cat!"
"C'mere dangerously poisonous amphibious racoon!"
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-02-21 22:21:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because 24 was awesome tonight and I've had a few drinks.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!
Submitted by EPatrick (user info) at 2005-02-21 21:44:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I'm sad. :(
Submitted by Mr.JackassFrost (user info) at 2005-02-21 21:19:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Blasphemy!"
That fucking made me laugh man.
Love your work, good show.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2005-02-21 21:11:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess you finally found out the answer to the age old question, "why do birds suddenly appear?"
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2005-02-21 20:54:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny.
If the bird had a giant belly it was probablly due to internal bleeding.
Submitted by Otters (user info) at 2005-02-21 18:55:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, but this post was really funny and good anyway.
Submitted by Otters (user info) at 2005-02-21 18:53:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why don't you put it out of its misery? It's cruel to keep letting it suffer when there's an excellent chance it's going to die anyway.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-02-21 18:50:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
KFC's new Bite Size Birdie Surprise
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-02-21 18:35:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Update soon.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-21 18:11:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-02-21 17:13:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
LIVE LITTLE BIRDY, LIVE!!!
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-02-21 17:13:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LIVE LITTLE BIRDY, LIVE!!!
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2005-02-21 17:10:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I-yi-yi.
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-02-21 13:28:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a bird and we all thought it was female so we called Rosie.
Turned out Rosie was a boy.
Now we have a boy named Rosie.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-21 13:28:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When birds die...
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-02-21 13:19:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-02-21 13:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-02-21 12:24:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-21 11:39:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom sometimes you really are all kinds of awesome.
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2005-02-21 13:09:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just kill it, less hassle... also birds don't have feelings until they're one year old.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-02-21 12:44:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
First, it's a lovebird.
Second, Loki, if you're talking about keeping the parents together, we didn't care enough. The first clutch went so well we decided to let them have at.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-02-21 12:24:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-21 11:39:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom sometimes you really are all kinds of awesome.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-02-21 12:23:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why did you leave bird and bird in the same cage? I learned this with hamsters when I was 12.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-21 12:21:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hos big is this thing right now?
And WHAT kind of birds do you have?
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-21 12:17:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes. Superglue. And bacitracin.
Submitted by MeanderingPoet (user info) at 2005-02-21 11:57:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very clever
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-02-21 11:54:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I just got done calling a lot more vets. Apparently it's a holiday (what one I wonder?). I finally got an answer to the head problem.
Superglue. One of my dad's nurses suggested it but wanted a vet's approval. Apparently dermabond is superglue and they use it all the time.
Woot.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-21 11:54:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-02-21 11:50:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can make a chicken out of a tea towel.
Submitted by DeadHorse (user info) at 2005-02-21 11:46:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What kind of bird is it?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-21 11:44:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good. Method should absoutely hate this post.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-02-21 11:40:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not entirely sure why, but I found this hilarious.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-21 11:39:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom sometimes you really are all kinds of awesome.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-21 11:38:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
take it to the vet!