Hand Sanitizer should NOT be confused with Hand Lotion (1149 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 0.83 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by El_Wizardo (View user info) at 2005-02-17 19:12:57 EST
I admit it. I still live with my parents. I know, I'm 19. I know, I should be away to college living the "college life." But I made choices and now I'm stuck with them. Until I move out with my girlfriend. And then I won't have problems like this one.
It was late at night. I had gotten home late and didn't want to wake anyone. You've all done it, avoiding the creaks on the ground... tip-toeing through the tulips. Shit! Fucking guard dogs. I hate fucking guard dogs! Sheet! Sheet! Oh, it's just my dogs. Hi puppies!
All is well, I have made it to my room. But I've got the "itch." No silly, its not the ass herpes! I haven't had an outbreak for over three months! And, I've been taking those medicines and boy have I been living in paradise! Biking, swimming in the ocean... life is a party with ASS HERPES!
The itch to beat my dick like it owes me money.
But the thing is, I need an agent. Another person's hand would be nice, a mouth would be ideal. But when push comes to shove, I will use my hand. I always use lotion. My peener is sensitive... and it just feels better when you have the lube. Except when you are on your way home from work and stuck in traffic. Then you have no choice. Unless you keep a stash in your car.
Which I don't.
But I really do.
Anyway, I already depleted my supply that I kept in my room and I haven't yet gone to get more. And it's not just a little bitty bottle. It's a family size one. That's right, I jerk it a lot. So? If you say you don't, you do and you do it four times a day. Bitch.
The only other supply was in the kitchen. But I had just turned on the light in my room and I doubted that I could make another run undetected.
Fuck it, I'm horny and lefty is sexy.
I went downstairs and all was good until I made it to the kitchen. I didn't want to turn on the light, it was a dead give-away. So I felt around the area where I knew the lotion to be. Apples. Basket. Mixer. Success! Lotion.
When a dark figure came out from the dark.
"What the hell are you doing up?"
Shit! Guard dogs! I fucking hate guard dogs! Oh, its just my dad. Which is just as scary.
"I'm getting water, chill out."
"I swear, if I get woken up again... I've got work tomorrow..." and he trailed off as he shuffled off to bed. I was safe another day. And I already had my secret sauce to get to my secret sauce.
I raced upstairs and assumed the position.
Porn on. Lots to choose from... Girl on girl? Girl on guy? Girl on girl on guy? Guy on guy? Well, not that one... At least, not in posts. Just my dirty little secret.
What?
Girl on girl for now. Ahhh, the lotion feels so good. It feels so... different? That's weird. What's going on? I'm not breaking out the ass herpes? No, that's not it. It feels numb. Losing viscosity. What the fuck is going on here?
That's when it started to burn.
My dick was on fire!
I ran to the bathroom as fast as I could with my pants around my ankles. My what a funny sight this would have been. If it wasn't me. And if my peener wasn't on fire. I had to jump up on the counter to get to the sink, dosing my poor abused penis with life saving water.
Which is when my brother walked in.
"Ummm... I lit my pubes on fire!"
Not even batting an eye, my brother said to me,
"And I suppose the cold water shrunk it?"
Damn. I can't even clean my penis off in peace? I mean, I don't even know what happened. And, I get insulted by my own brother! I mean, the water did shrink it. A lot. I'm normally hung like a horse. Yeah...
With the fire of the demons exercised, I went to bed. I went downstairs and found the root of my problems. Someone had switched the lotion with the hand sanitizer. If anyone has ever tried to due the one handed nasty with what amounts to soap, you know how it feels.
Especially the next day when it started peeling...
Curse you sanitizer...
Curse you...
User Reviews
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-02-17 22:28:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2005-02-17 21:37:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for jacking off with lotion
pussy
move out you fucking cunt, let you parents live
Submitted by The_Wizard (user info) at 2005-02-17 21:20:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh I'm sorry that I posted something that resembled other people's work. I could understand if I actually plagerized something, but guess what? I'm sure if you look hard enough, you can find a parallel to pretty much every post ever done. Thanks.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-02-17 20:25:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/53348
http://www.ubersite.com/m/42369
sooooooo done.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-02-17 19:55:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have a +2 for your pain and suffering
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-02-17 19:54:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Shamelessly stealing from Charlie Murphy.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-02-17 19:36:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sucks to be you! :)
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-02-17 19:31:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh my god!
Submitted by EPatrick (user info) at 2005-02-17 19:28:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You think that's bad? My girl wanted to do 'body shots' which meant dousing my dick in vodka and sucking it off with her drunk ass teeth. the scabs were sterile though. :)
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2005-02-17 19:21:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks for the warning sir
Submitted by El_Mexicano (user info) at 2005-02-17 19:19:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my amigo's woman jerked him off with that stuff one time