You sit where I fucking tell you to sit... (669 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.9 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by El_Wizardo (View user info) at 2005-02-14 04:20:06 EST
There is a strange quality about a restaurant that is absolutely empty. You feel like you own the place. You feel like everyone there is at your beck and call. You feel like you can sit anywhere in the whole restaurant. Even when it's not empty, you feel like you can have anything you want, and it is our job to rim you if you so desire.
Well it isn't you fucking yuppy asshole.
I'm a host. Not a glamorous job, I know. But the old catch-22 about serving gigs is that you have to have experience to get hired. The only way to do that is to get lucky and land a server job, or move your way up. I'm basically the lowest of the low on the restaurant totem pole. And since shit goes down stream, I get yelled at. Everything is my fault, from double seating people to people giving bad tips to not getting enough tables.
So you should not make my job harder by being a yuppy asshole.
No, you may not sit where you want. I tell you where to sit, and you sit there. The process is simple, efficient, and the easiest way of making a good first impression. You see, everyone talks at a restaurant. Everyone. So your server knows when you are an asshole and you will get shitty service on the basis that you probably tip like shit. Which you probably you, you bull queer. Phrases like these should be avoided:
"I want a booth."
"It's too bright."
"It's too loud."
Seriously. Go fuck yourself. Thanks. And who gets the shit when someone doesn't have enough tables because ignorant fucking customers come in and don't realize how things work? Me.
So again... go fuck yourself.
Here are some ground rules for restaurant:
1. Please sit where we tell you. There is a reason why I have you sit there. I have a rotation to follow and you are fucking it up. There is no real difference between a table and a booth. A booth isn't even that comfortable. I'm sorry that your pampered ass is too good for a table. And if you do need a different table for some asinine reason, then let me know politely. Looking at a table and shaking your head while you say "I don't think so" gets you spit in your food.
2. We talk shit about you. All the time. No matter where you go and what you do, unless you are the most polite person on the planet (and have no kids, old people, Asians, or Middle Easterners) you are more verbally abused in a restaurant then the kid at prom that wore the tux that his mom made for him, with the shoes that don't match and the date that is a blow-up doll that he insists people call "Sally."
3. Don't be an Asian, Old person, Middle Easterner, teenager... ahh hell, unless you are white, middle aged, middle class people, don't fucking eat at my fucking restaurant. You will generally leave a bad tip. And don't tell me I'm stereotyping, the people who work for restaurants know this. Ironically, its also rich people that suck at tipping. Time to open up the asshole, I'm in charge of the welfare and sanitation of your food. Prick.
4. Oh, and don't be a teenager. You have no value in society. Get up past drinking age and then come out of your house.
5. Drink lots and tip more. If you want kick ass service forever at any place, drink drink drink. Not waters you fucktard, the boose. Then you leave a huge tip. Even if you give an average tip every time after that, you will be known as a good tip. A good tip is 17-20%. Anything less is fucking cheap. Go to McDonalds, get a few double cheeseburgers and fuck off. We don't like you. See rules 2-4.
There you go. That's how you should act and what you should do in a restaurant. It is these simple rules that will get you kick ass service. It will get me some peace and quiet. It will also get you clean food. I know not everyone has worked a restaurant, or if you did, you forgot how fucking hard it was. In that case, fuck you. Seriously.
No. Seriously.
(Brought to you by people who work at restaurants everywhere. We generally don't like people, and you aren't helping any.)
User Reviews
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-02-14 19:24:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you couldn't pass the "Make change for the customer" test that is takes to be a waitress.
Hey, blow me.
Pen, in every resteraunt I've ever worked in, the sections are assinged. Generally the managers try to be pretty fair, and do sections so everyone gets a chance to make money, but when that's not possible, the best employees get the best sections. It doesn't matter how much senority you have, if you don't pull your weight in the back and you get a lot of customer complaints, you get the bad sections.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-14 12:30:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
RULE #1: The Customer Is Always Right.
RULE #2: If In Doubt, Ask Your Manager What To Do (usually a referral back to Rule #1).
RULE #3: Learn Another Skill Or Trade If You Don't Like Your Job.
Ok, I'm done.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-02-14 11:19:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
it's true...if a waitress/waiter starts seeing their section come up light...they can get a little grumpy.
It's also true that some waitresses/waiters jump to grab the better paying sections and claim them by seniority---even fight for them. maybe if sections were rotated between servers it would be more fair (it happens in some places, but not enough.)
and a tip is what it is--a way to thank a server for a good job. When the server starts looking at dollar signs and rushes people through their meals...just so they can get more customers and more tips...they aren't making me want to up the gratuity.
In the end, you can't dump your anger on the customer--just because a server's "gotta get paid"
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-02-14 10:50:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
First of all stop your fucking whining. It is not the customer's fault you had to roll out of your boyfriend's bed this morning, wash the cum out of your mouth, and come to this shitty job that you got because you couldn't pass the "Make change for the customer" test that is takes to be a waitress.
Second of all I AM THE FUCKING CUSTOMER. Without me and my money you would still be taking 5's for a rub and a tug at the fucking Rest Area. Asshole.
In response to your points:
1. I like a booth and I will ask for one or better yet show some assertiveness and ask me if I would like a booth or a table. Oh sorry I forgot you are running the coup de gras of time and asset management tasks with you fucking rotation. FU.
2. You talk shit about me...well fuck you. Want to know how much I talk about you? Not at all that is how important you are to me. You should get a life if I am all you talk about.
3. Don't assume I am not a good tipper based on anything. Rather figure it out after I have left your tip. Maybe if you weren't so fucking presumptuous in thinking that people are bad tippers and thus treating them as such you would get better tips. I am a damn good tipper...why...because I spent my time in the restaurant industry I know where you are coming from, I however wanted more out of life.
4. Your right teenagers are assholes treat them as you wish.
5. I am a damn good tipper. However I will not be governed by any percentage. I will tip you based solely on your ability to make me happy...that is your fucking job.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-14 09:54:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Annoying rant. If you didn't use the word "you" as a vehicle to discuss the people that annoy you then it might not come off as so arrogant.
When ranting about people that irritate you always refer to them as "them" other wise your audience will just think you're a cunt.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-02-14 09:51:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Why don't you go back to your paper route if the restaurant's so bad?
Turd.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-02-14 09:24:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-02-14 08:28:21 (#)
Ranking: -2
SuperSize it bitch
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-14 09:21:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I love the smell of hatred in the morning.
Submitted by Mitchapalooza (user info) at 2005-02-14 09:14:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's always a crapshoot to figure out how people will rate it. I have a feeling it's purely based on their mood, and on how the first rating goes.
Here's a +2 to try and even the shit out, you inconsistent fucks.
Submitted by Jay_Bassman (user info) at 2005-02-14 09:04:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A reply to me from Vomit on his "I'm Fucking Bored" post yesterday.
"Jay, a fun thing to do is reach in your pants and scratch your nuts in front of customers...then give them their change with the same hand."
I then learned he used to be a waiter. After reading that, and now this post... I'm scared to go into a restaurant. Awesome.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-02-14 09:00:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
But the old catch-22 about serving gigs is that you have to have experience to get hired. The only way to do that is to get lucky and land a server job, or move your way up.
Errrrrrrrr, no. Actually, most large chain resteraunts hire people with no experience in serving as servers quite often, because they want them to learn serving -their- way. They also hire experienced servers, but they're the ones who tend to bring in bad habits and have their own way of doing things, learned from wherever they worked before.
You must work with some pretty nasty people. If a server questions your seating, and you tell them that the customer requested a seat different than the one you chose, usually they understand. We know to a certain degree that people are going to be difficult. And the only time I or anyone I've known gets annoyed with the hosts is when we're skipped in the rotation 3-4 times, when we're extremely busy and we get double sat, or when you seat us when they're about to cut us. Personally, I always ask for a booth the second I walk in the door of a resteraunt, simply because I perfer booths to tables. Being a server myself, I know quite well "how things work." It would seem that you're the one who doesn't. The guest is there to spend money. Without the guest, you have no job. Ergo, the guest sits where they want to sit. Unless they're a total asshole about every little thing, and don't get me wrong, there are plenty of assholes out there, it's pretty easy to accomadate requests.
Hey, according to this post, you have to listen to me, because I'm a server, which makes you my bitch.
Submitted by ChesterTheJester (user info) at 2005-02-14 08:49:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Also Never ask for new silverware.... Because I used to spit shine dirty silverware for you...
NNEVER ASK ME FOR A "CLEAN SPOON"
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-02-14 08:36:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
If I want a booth, you'll give me one goddamnit!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-02-14 08:28:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
SuperSize it bitch
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2005-02-14 06:47:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
damn, this post is rated even worse than mine! hahahaha
this 0 should improve it, though
Submitted by AndyD (user info) at 2005-02-14 06:06:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah stop whining you fat cunt! If you've got such a huge problem with where you work go find another job. Just think yourself lucky you actually get tipped, i've worked in places where you get all the above listed stress, a shitty wage ples NO fucking tips.
Get over yourself.
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-02-14 06:05:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
And middle eastern customers are notoriously generous, i know this from the casino business, all the staff climb over each other to serve them, so either your mixing them up with indians (in which case your an idiot) or this whole sob story is bullshit (in which case your an idiot).
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-02-14 05:59:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
my father is a chef; i've worked as a frycook/pizza cook. i've been in bars and restaurants since i was 5...and this is almost total b.s.
spitting never happens. i've asked my father before (i'd like to think i can trust him)and he has known zero co-workers/servants that have loogied on a meal. that isn't to say it doesn't happen, but it is pretty frickin' rare.
as for other things...
usually a waitress/waiter will double as a seater in the afternoon shift (when it is nearly empty) and the only time i've seen them get pissy and demand certain seating, is because they were too lazy to walk to x-location in the restaurant. When it is busy, better seat management is a given, but come on...what a waste of energy to get annoyed over it.
yes, restaurant employees rag on customers...it's how you deal with the stress of the imbecilic. Even then, it is usually restricted to "look at the shitty tip x gave me...what an asshole." If it's a decent place, you don't really have any time to huddle in a corner and "chat." You're too busy busting your balls (if you are some lazy fuck, playing games in the dining room while i sweat it out in the kicthen, you can just fist yourself)
and speaking of tips...here's a typical complaint...
"fucking guy only game me 2 dollar tip"
"how much was his meal?"
"$1.49"
"so the tip was as hundred forty percent?"
"well, yeah....but he wasted my time"
"the place is empty..."
"..."
or
"why did i come in today?"
"what do you mean?"
"they dragged me in here because they were short on waitresses and all i made was 50 bucks."
"how many hours did you work?"
"3"
"that's about 17 bucks an hour"
"well...i had to shower....get dressed..."
stop complaining.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-02-14 05:48:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Terrible.
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2005-02-14 05:30:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fine then, here's one last -2. so long!
Submitted by Dustbrother (user info) at 2005-02-14 05:17:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Wizard (user info) at 2005-02-14 05:14:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't need to pump myself up. Thanks though.
Getting bad reviews from the talentless gives me wood.
Write something worth reading and I will reverse my opinion.
Everything you ever wanted to know about consuelo212
User id: 16293
Registered on or around: 2005-02-10 00:16:38
# Messages posted: 1
# Reviews written: 6
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 25
# Hits: 303
Average rating of all messages: -1.35
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2005-02-14 05:00:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
give yourself a +2. come on, i know you can do it
Submitted by The_Wizard (user info) at 2005-02-14 04:56:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bitter, party of one your table's ready.
Fuck you.
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2005-02-14 04:52:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
or 3?
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2005-02-14 04:51:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
am i able to give two ratings?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-14 04:48:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-02-14 04:37:02 (#)
Ranking: -2
Shut up worm, nobody gives a shit what servants think, and if your opinion meant anything you'd have duties in life more complicated than telling people to sit at a table.
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-02-14 04:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Shut up worm, nobody gives a shit what servants think, and if your opinion meant anything you'd have duties in life more complicated than telling people to sit at a table.
Submitted by The_Wizard (user info) at 2005-02-14 04:35:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't be a bitter fucking loser that posts shit and then takes it out on other people that recognize your piss poor excuse on how to use the english language.
You fuck.
-2die.
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2005-02-14 04:31:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
stop whining, get a better job